Women In Their 40s Share The Intimacy Lessons They Wish They Knew In Their 20s

1. Renn. 44. In a Serious Relationship.

“I think what I would tell myself the most about intimacy back then is to learn what it is before dating. The word is used to cover way too much ground. Sex is intimacy. A relationship is intimacy. A connection is intimacy. You can have sex with someone and not really be intimate with them. Sadly, you can do the same thing when it comes to a relationship. Intimacy is taking and making the time to really understand your needs and then your partner’s needs. People in their 20s are too busy trying to get an adrenaline rush from sex to take the time to be really intimate. I wish someone had told me that about myself because it would’ve spared me a lot of wasted time, stupid relationships and confusion.”

2. Elizabeth. 40. Married.

“Foreplay and afterplay are very intimate. I wish I knew that years ago. It’s not that intercourse isn’t too but how much a man invests into your body and pleasure before he enters you and how much he cares about you feeling loved and safe afterwards — that is what intimacy is really all about. A guy who isn’t interested in either of these things shouldn’t get a moment of your time.”

3. Gizelle. 47. Divorced.

“Girl, I got married at 25 and divorced at 37 and this question is a part of the reason why. My husband and I weren’t intimate because we weren’t ever really connected. We obviously had some things in common and even shared similar values, but we weren’t into each other enough to want to really learn one another. And because that connection wasn’t there, we would get irritated with each other often, we were impatient with each other’s transitions, and we weren’t very intentional about compromising to make the relationship work. Not because we didn’t love each other but we weren’t connected enough to make the sacrifices to make us last. I think that is what intimacy is: wanting to do whatever you can to make the relationship last because you want your partner in your life just that much.”

4. Angelle. 41. Married.

“I am married, happily married, and I still wish that I had waited until I was 30 to say ‘I do.’ I think your 20s should be about learning how to be intimate with yourself — how to understand who you really are because if you don’t get that down, you are going to be a trainwreck for someone else. I also think that you should care about more than a man’s d*ck size and performance in your 20s. Your hormones are high, just like a guy’s, and hormones can lie to you and tell you that you’re in a great relationship when you’re really just having good sex. You don’t want to spend your 30s and 40s in regret because you were sexually impulsive in your 20s. You can never get time back, sis.”

5. Everly. 47. Single.

“I wish I hadn’t faked so many orgasms in my 20s because then I wouldn’t have been faking like I was happy in so many of my relationships in my 30s. It’s weird to think about, but if you lie to others, in some ways, you’re lying to yourself. I didn’t know my sexual needs enough to explain to men what I wanted and that translated into my relationships too. It wasn’t until a season of abstinence that I got honest with me and that changed everything about how I interacted with men. Now, I don’t lie about sh-t. If the sex isn’t working for me, I say it. If the relationship isn’t working for me, I say it. I say it by explaining what my needs are and then seeing if the guy cares enough to meet them or not. Intimacy is honesty.”

6. Zeelah. 45. Married.

“I wish that I had more happily married people in my life when I was in my 20s. This culture is weird about its mission to devalue committed relationships. Have a boyfriend all day long but a husband? Nooooo. That’s so toxic because you end up in these senseless situationships with guys who jade you so that you don’t see how beautiful marriage is. If you’re 20-something and reading this, before you make a hard call about what you want your future to look like, get some married people in your life so that you can see how wonderful marriage is. Decide based on more than what social media tells you. A lot of crazy people are out there.”

7. Alexandria. 41. Single.

“Just because it was good sex, doesn’t mean it was intimate. You ever seen dogs in heat hunch in the park? They ran up to a random, got what they needed and they were out. When you’re in your 20s, there is so much ‘dog park sex’ going on and, because you don’t want to admit that to yourself, when you realize how shallow it is, then you want to act like that’s how intimacy is supposed to be. What I would tell my younger self is don’t let sex define everything about a relationship for you and to not have sex before you know what your emotional needs are. There are good men out here. You see them when you know who you are and what you want. In your 20s, you don’t realize how real this is.”

8. Natalia. 45. Divorced.

“Ask 25 people what intimacy is to them and I bet no one says the same thing. It’s such a broad word that comes with just as broad expectations. That’s what I would tell my younger self: don’t expect someone to want the same things that you do from a relationship or from sex and quit acting like they are wrong or bad people if that is the case. Learning others without projecting is real intimacy in my eyes.”

9. Mychelle. 49. Married.

“A really good kiss is intimacy. There is a song from back in the day called ‘Kisses Don’t Lie.’ A part of it says, ‘If you want to know the answer, kiss and then decide, ‘cause kisses don’t lie.’ It might sound silly but that’s my advice when it comes to physical intimacy. If you don’t feel ‘it’ during the kiss, it’s downhill from there. Emotionally intimacy — I wish that in my 20s, I got that you can’t separate it from spiritual intimacy. Someone who isn’t good for your soul, isn’t being intimate with you. Find another word for that. Younger me didn’t prioritize my spirituality like I should have and it caused a lot of pain that could’ve been avoided. A spiritual connection and a powerful kiss are what helped me pick my husband. 19 years next month and still going strong!”

10. Christian. 40. Single.

“My 20s? I wish I knew that I didn’t have to sacrifice any of the intimacy that I wanted. I can have a real relationship, amazing sex and feel like I can totally be myself all rolled into one. When you’re young, you think that you have to settle for one or two of those three things — and that you should feel lucky to get that much. As you get older, you don’t even want a less-than scenario. You accept that real intimacy is all three or it’s not real intimacy at all.”

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Philosopher Betrand Russell once said, “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give” and it is oh so very true.

You don’t have to be in your 40s to experience genuine intimacy — or to require it. Thanks to gems like what you just read, if you happen to be younger, you can use these women’s wisdom instead of “skinned-knee experience” to guide you along your way.

Beautiful.

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