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An Honest Conversation: I DON'T Have Pretty Privilege. And It Sucks.
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Stephanie's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
So, before I open up this conversation, let me say that I don't think I am an unattractive girl. I know I am attractive in some ways, and I understand as a Black woman, that we are all beautiful. I am not discussing this for pity. And I am not discussing this to be dismissed. I simply want to have a conversation about what it means to have pretty privilege. This conversation has been swirling around the social media-sphere for much of 2021, and I have always had opposing experiences from those who usually actually have the conversation—or those who are pretty.
Celebrities such as Saweetie have opened up about her experiences with whether she does or doesn't benefit from this type of leverage, and there's a multitude of videos on TikTok floating around on the subject of pretty privilege as well.
But this is my story, and what my mental health has personally struggled with for some time. And, well, I want to be honest about it. I just want to be honest. That's all. Please don't dilute my story with yours. This is my truth about the difficulties of not having pretty privilege in an image-based society.
OK. Here we go. *sigh*
Growing up, I always knew that 'pretty privilege' existed. I always knew people, specifically women, could use their looks as a form of currency as they move through a patriarchal society and that they could use it to get better mates, or they can use it to get better jobs that "regular-looking" women couldn't get. I was aware that this type of privilege is out there.
And I also knew that I didn't have it.
For anyone who doesn't know the concept of pretty privilege, it's when you basically get treated better in life due to how attractive you are. It never really bothered me until I got a little older and began to take stock of different things I didn't have in my life, which honestly, is natural as we all often compare ourselves to other people.
I started to just think about all the things in my life that probably would have been a little bit easier if I had some pretty privilege. But pretty privilege is not something that you, yourself, can decide that you have. It's something that society just gives you based on what the systems of society already are.
I began noticing subtle changes in behavior toward me and then toward my girlfriends. For example, for my most recent birthday, a few friends and I decided to go out and celebrate, which was a huge deal for me. It was monumental. I was never that girl who went out or that participated in the stereotypical rituals of partying, dressing up, or anything that most young, millennial women take part in. And sadly, this was because at a very young age, I realized I was the girl at the bar paying for my own drinks or never being approached by any men. I created a defense mechanism to where I would only go to places where I knew no one there would be anyone I was attracted to. I was roughly 22 years old.
But anyway, for whatever reason, this particular birthday, I decided, "You know what, sis, you've been watching YouTube tutorials, you are poppin' AF, go out and have a good time." I felt so pretty that night and I remember walking into the restaurant like I was a star. I felt like I was on top of the world and if anyone was going to notice me, it was going to be tonight!
But I walked in, and not a single person made eye contact with me. No one even budged, actually.
And what's wild, is my friend walks in to meet me, and the entire place shifts towards her beautiful light skin and effortless aura that I just do not possess. I went home, after such an amazing night out with friends, hurt. I felt I did all the things that women are supposed to do, and most importantly, I was confident. I was happy. But it just wasn't good enough.
I realized I will always be invisible, even if I try.
Another time, I was at the airport and crossed paths with a guy a few times as we were on the same flight. We stood near each other much of the boarding process, and didn't speak, no eye contact or engagement at all. We were offered to sit near each other but he chose to sit elsewhere (which in hindsight, it didn’t dawn on me why he chose the other seat until we sat down) so when we began to board, I went to my seat, and he went to his. He was near another woman, who was Indian or Latina. And within two minutes, she knew his name, where he worked, they connected on social media, and she was invited to a party in the Hollywood Hills.
Go figure.
And it sucks because for me, the guys that usually approach me are those who have minimal ambition or aren't equally yolked career-wise (not that I make a million dollars), therefore my dating experiences are limited. Like, I always make sure I'm even employed before I begin to date. Let's just say this is never the case for me, as successful men often look for a certain “type" of woman.
This is why women like Lori Harvey, or Ciara, or Cassie aren't role models for me, and never were. Women often ask Ciara what was her prayer for her husband and this conversation isn't even in the scope of my life as I can sit up here all day in a convent and pray and it won't work like that for me.
Ciara is not a regular, degular, smegular girl. She is beautiful, talented, and has a career all her own. No matter how much people try to dress it up, Russell Wilson was attracted to her because of that first. This is how pretty privilege works.
And it's the same with work. I have to work for people to think of me positively. Be more, have better, or seem stronger. It's exhausting.
But ladies, I say all of this to say, as superficial as this all may sound, it's real. The thing that hurts the most about not having pretty privilege is that I feel like I get left out of the amazing, beautiful things about being a woman.
Something did dawn on me, however: even without pretty privilege, I won't look like this forever. I thought to myself, 'You're missing out on the parade of life.' I may not be a pageant queen on a float, but I'm still here. And it's my job to adorn myself, the way I see fit.
Even though traffic may never stop when I go outside or I may have to pay for my own drinks at a bar, I can still make an effort to make myself be a reflection of how I feel about myself. And even if no one ever turns their head when you walk in the room, or if they never buy you a drink, when a picture is taken, and you go back and look at it years later and think, 'Wow, I can tell she loved herself,' that is all that matters.
Society may not feel that you have pretty privilege, but if you feel you have it, then you're going to reflect that back into the world.
And at the end of the day, that's all that matters too.
Stephanie often has open and honest conversations about societal norms on her YouTube channel. Follow her on Instagram @ohstepco for her latest updates on her life's journey.
Feature image courtesy of Instagram/ohstephco
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- Actress Logan Browning Gets Real On Privilege, Stereotypes ... ›
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Every season is bob season, right? Whether you’re a protective style, curly, or relaxed-hair girly, a bob unites us all. It’s arguably earned the title of most popular, just like finger waves and French rolls did in the ‘90s.
The bubble bob is the latest rendition of this timeless style that’s earned our attention and appreciation. It’s a short and bouncy voluminous bob with a bubble-esque effect. And seeing our faves like Lori Harvey, Zendaya, Ciara, and Kelly Rowland rock it effortlessly has us adding a round brush to our Amazon cart ASAP.
If this is your first time stumbling on this phenomenon, you’re invited to the chat as we explore all things bubble bob. If you’re already familiar with it but want to know more, keep reading sis, we got you. Here’s everything you need to know about a bubble bob, and how to achieve the classy look.
First Things First: What’s a Bubble Bob Exactly?
Jeremy Moeller/Getty Images
London hairstylist Luke Hersheshon officially coined the term “bubble bob,” according to Vogue. Hersheshon said, “It’s defined by that ’90s curve, which until recently was a bit of a no-no, plus it also has a little bit of bounce to it.” Its signature is a curvy silhouette made complete with bumped ends. “Think a classic, old-school, super smooth blow dry, that’s slightly curved under,” he said.
Who Can Rock It Best?
Because a bubble bob typically falls right between the shoulder and the chin, it’s actually flattering for most face shapes, the celebrity hairstylist pointed out. Hairstylist to the stars, Chad Wood, told Byrdie that it mostly complements round, heart, square, and inverted-triangle face shapes. For the ladies with longer face aesthetics, keep in mind that the bubble bob can make your neck and face appear longer, Wood said.
Still, don’t be afraid to go for this look as it works on all types of hair from full and thick to thin and fine.
How To Style a Bubble Bob Haircut
Daniele Venturelli/WireImage
We all want our bobs to have more bounce than the ounce. If you’re not afraid of a little heat, you can achieve this look by pairing a one-inch round brush with a hair dryer (or just use a blow dryer hair brush), starting at the neck and angeling the ends as you work your way up to the top of your head. Don’t forget your heat protectant, girl.
Still, a bubble bob doesn’t always require a ton of heat. Instead, you can also air dry and fluff your hair and use a round brush to give the ends that must-have bend. But I’d be lying if I said this method will get you the same volume and luster as using heat (because it most likely won’t).
Even though it has standout features like volume and such, there are different ways to sport it and make it your own. “You can angle or flip the ends of your bubble bob, add in curls, or leave it smooth. You can also leave longer angled pieces in the front to funk it up and make it more fun,” said Wood.
It’s All About The Versatility
Bubble bobs have easily become a hairdo fave thanks to their versatility. From length to volume, you can still make a bubble your own. Try it with a deep side part, bangs, or a middle part that frames your face. You can also experiment with chin, neck, or shoulder length to create a tailor-made look. Spicing it up with layers will give it that extra stamp of approval.
So How Do You Maintain It?
We all feel at our best when our bob is bobbing properly, especially when it comes to its sleek appeal. Depending on your hair type, you can keep it full of luster by using products like a finishing cream or anti-frizz serum.
If you love extra volume and bounce, NYC salon owner Nunzio Saviano, tellsReal Simplethat velcro rollers are the key. “Rollers are ideal to style a bubble bob. They are best for long-lasting volume.” For heat styling, get the lift with a round brush and a blow dryer, then finish off with rollers. Volumizing mousse and hairspray are also go-to products.
Getting a trim every four to six weeks also stops the ends from being disrespectful and turning outward. If you do use rollers or heat, you can extend the time in between cuts.
Will you be trying out the bubble bob?
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Featured image by Pascal Le Segretain/amfAR/Getty Images for amfAR