I can't recall when I first heard what I'm about to share, but it is something that I hold close to me; especially when I'm in the process of trying to make a rather significant decision—"Don't focus on what makes you feel good; focus instead on what you know is right." The reason why I so wholeheartedly agree with that way of thinking is because, personally, I think people are way too addicted—yes, addicted—to their emotions. And feelings? They can change at the drop of a dime. This means that if you're solely dependent on them, you could end up on an emotional roller coaster ride that can have you constantly feeling confused, unsettled and unsure. And because of that, your life decisions will, as they say, keep that same energy.
On the other hand, when the focus is on doing what is truly right for you, that's a bit different. I'll give you an example. Recently, one of my writing gigs gave me a raise. Putting that extra money into a savings account so that I can travel more is good. But right now, Uncle Sam and I have some things to work through, so hiring a reputable accountant is what's right. I recently had a conversation with a relative that was disconcerting to say the least. There was so much toxicity in it that establishing immediate boundaries would've been good. But because I know what it's like to not feel heard or validated, I listened and supported; at the time, that is what was right.
When doing what is right is what truly matters to you, it means that you are factoring in things like truth, facts, principles and timing; you're putting in the effort to make sure that all of these things will work together for your ultimate good. You're not only interested in how to appease your emotions or what will make you feel good in the moment. Doing what is right is about maturity and taking your future into account; even if it's not always easy, comfortable or what your heart—the center of your emotions—wants to do.
While keeping all of this in mind, how can you know if something—or one—really is right for you? That's kind of a loaded question, but here is a bit of a "cheat sheet" to hopefully help you out.
Your “Human Trinity” Is in Agreement
So, what is the "human trinity"? I define it as being the mind, body and spirit (for the church folks who may find it disrespectful, the actual word "trinity" isn't in the Bible. I refer to the "three in one" as the Godhead [I John 5:8], just for the record). These things are designed to work in harmony with one another. So, if there is something that you are considering doing or there's someone who you're thinking about getting involved with, take out a moment to listen to what your mind, body and spirit are saying. Is there a thought in the back of your mind that is telling you that it's not a good idea? Do you literally experience an uncomfortable physical reaction? As far as how your spirit/soul operates, check out "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul" for a bit of a breakdown.
When I look back over my life, most of the things that I regret, I did without making sure that all three parts of me were, for the most part, on the same page. Meanwhile, the things that I feel really good about, even to this day, my human trinity was at total peace at the time that I decided to do it. I'm pretty sure that's not a coincidence.
It Doesn’t Compromise Your Principles or Values
We're living in a time when people are attacking principles and values on every hand. While it's one thing to allow someone the space and freedom to live out their truth, it's another thing for those same individuals to berate someone else for the beliefs that they personally have. If you want respect, you must give respect. But that's another article for another time. What I will say, for now, is that no matter how much bullying—both online or off—that may be going on these days, it speaks volumes about your level of integrity if you don't allow it to compromise (or silence) your own core principles and values because they are a huge part of your foundation and character. They are a large part of what makes you…you.
A great quote that fits in really well with this particular point is by the French novelist and poet Victor Hugo—"Change your opinions, keep to your principles; change your leaves, keep intact your roots." Amen. That said, if what you're about to do involves invalidating your core principles and values? Well, the phrase "selling your soul" covers a lot of ground; this is just one of the examples of doing it. And, at the end of the day, it really isn't worth it.
You Can Already See How It Will Contribute to Your Growth and Development
You may be familiar with a really popular Alice Walker quote that says, "No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow." This is a powerful quote all on its own (check out "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" and "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" for a co-sign), but if I were to tweak it a bit to fit this article, I'd say, "Nothing is right for you if it hinders your growth and development." I don't care if it's a man, a job, a church or anything else—if we're not moving forward, we're either remaining stagnant or going backwards; those last two options aren't even remotely healthy.
So yeah, as you're in the process of trying to figure out if something is truly right for you or not, ask yourself if it will put you in a more progressive state a year from now? If you can't definitely say that, well, that's something to really think about. Isn't it?
It Invigorates and Inspires You
To be invigorated is to be filled with life and energized. To be inspired is to be compelled or influenced to produce something; something that is typically new. When something is truly right for you, these two things should definitely come into play.
I consider myself to be a creative. Something that I know about creative types is we're constantly driven by inspiration. When I recently checked out the article "10 Creative People Share What Inspires Them", some of the things that other creatives shared they are inspired by includes taking risks, challenges, relationships, self-reflection and nature. That's their list. What's yours?
For this point, let's look at it through a romantic lens. I know a married couple who talk all of the time about them knowing that they were right for each other because they both inspired one another to attempt things that they would've never considered prior to meeting. Not only that but, even after all of these years later, they wake up with a sense of excitement because, since they are both so spontaneous and driven, they never really know what to expect.
Doesn't reading that just make you feel invigorated? Yeah, if something is really right for you, it will cause you to feel a sense of exhilaration. It will motivate you in ways that nothing else quite has before too. If something doesn't move you like this, while I won't go all in and say that it's exactly "wrong", what I will say is do a little more investigating; something is definitely kinda sorta…off.
It Will Get You “Unstuck”
I've got a friend who keeps, as the old folks say, going around Charlie's barn. She does it on the professional tip. She gets a job at a company she doesn't like, stays for a couple of years, then looks for another job in the same field for about the same salary, only to find herself restless about six months in. I've watched her do this for about 15 years now. Finally, I flat-out asked her why she keeps doing that to herself. What she told me was although she has a passion for teaching, the irony is all of the jobs that make her unhappy are giving her more experience in a particular field. So, she thinks that it makes more sense to keep doing what she doesn't like than to step out and start all over.
OK, y'all. Guess how many of us absolutely hate what we do for a living. A whopping 85 percent! When you stop and think about the fact that you spend most of your waking hours at your place of employment, what sense does it make to be someplace where you are unhappy? The entire time that your eyes are open? Uh-uh. Better to start over than to die a slow death in a familiar space.
Another way to know if something is right for you is it will encourage you to get out of doing the same ole', same ole'; from living as if you are stuck in a rut.
That said, if you've been stuck in a rut for so long, you don't even know what that looks like, here are some telling signs—you are bored a lot; you hold onto toxic habits and people simply because they are familiar to you; every day feels like you are doing nothing more than going through the motions; there's nothing that you really have to look forward to and the only thing you really look forward to is ending the day and going to sleep. C'mon sis, what could possibly be right about any of that?
You Have Total Peace
At this stage in my life, "peace" is one of my favorite words. And yes, a final indication that something (or one) is truly right for you is it will bring tranquility, order ("order" is a BIG one) and calm into your world. There will be less confusion. Less tension and stress. And definitely less drama (when things are right, drama significantly decreases).
Based on what peace means, I seriously doubt someone else's husband is right for you. I seriously doubt taking a job that doesn't recognize your gifts and talents is right for you. I also seriously doubt remaining in a toxic relationship, whether it's a family member, friend or significant other, is right for you.
So, take a deep breath and think about all that you just read. What in your life, at this very moment, is truly right for you? Whatever isn't, it's time to do a little internal house cleaning. So that you can make room for what's better than average or even good. It's time to embrace all that is truly RIGHT. Right?
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Now before getting into some tips that I’m hoping will help a few folks out, let me first say that I think it doesn’t really matter if someone is 24 or 54, is a single mom or has no kids, is an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, wants to get married someday or is simply looking for companionship (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?”) — dating definitely can be a bit of a challenge right through here.
In my opinion, some of it is because we’re still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic. Another reason is that things have become so damn transactional these days that I’m not sure if folks even get what the purpose of dating is anymore (mostly, it’s to get to know individuals better so that you can determine who is your right fit). Still, another reason is that when we do step out into the dating waters (that are sometimes raging), some of us are already a bit jaded due to our past experiences, our friends’ stories, and/or those (oftentimes) horrible tales that we hear on TikTok.
Let’s simplify it all a bit, shall we? Although online dating and long-distance relationships are continuing to thrive in their own way, the reality is that if you want to establish a solid connection with someone, chances are, you’re going to need to participate in some old-school dating on some level. So, in order to increase your chances of those encounters being truly successful for you, here are some things that I advise you to do along the way.
Be Clear About Why You’re Dating in the First Place — and Communicate It
GiphyA woman recently told me that what’s pissing her off (her exact words) about the dating scene is, while she’s personally looking for her future husband when it comes to the kinds of men that she keeps running into, although they’ve wanted more than just a casual sex partner, marriage wasn’t on the menu. Not even a lil’ bit.
Yeah, one day, we’ll get into why more and more men are shying away from marriage — quite possibly more than ever before. For now, I’ll just say that if a person feels like they are meeting the needs of their partner while they’re also being told that theirs aren’t important, only for their partner to initiate divorce (over 70 percent of women do) and then take half of their earnings…I mean, I get why many guys are hard passing on the notion.
Anyway, because the men she was going out with didn’t want what she did, she’s been finding it discouraging to continue her dating journey. As she was talking to me about all of this, I asked her how long she would wait to bring her ultimate goals up.
Her: “I mean, I don’t want to scare men off, so I don’t really mention it at all.”
Yeah, that’s not good. Even though I get where she’s coming from, if you want to date in order to find your potential mate, you should never assume that the people you’re seeing automatically know that because not everyone is dating for the same purpose and reasons.
So, when should it come up? Not the first date because that’s basically a meet-and-greet to see if there’s anything “there” at all. However, if the second date goes well, it’s okay to say that your motive for dating is to ultimately find your life partner; that you’re not moving in fear or impatience, but you don’t see the point in dating indefinitely either. If a guy is on the same page, he’ll be fine with that.
If he’s not, he won’t — but at least you’ll both know where each other stands which can spare you from finding out that he was cool being with you but never wanted you to become his wife…three years down the pike.
Value Your Time
GiphyWhen it comes to valuing time, some of my favorite quotes include "Trouble is, you think you have time" (Jack Kornfield); "Time and effort can get you anything you want in the world. But nothing in the world can get you more time" (Matt Fox); "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it" (M. Scott Peck); "The one that values his time can value the time of others as well" (Sunday Adelaja); and "Time is the wisest counsellor of all" (Pericles).
Keeping all of these in mind, another benefit of knowing why you do what you do is that it can help you to value your time better. For instance, I have no interest in dating someone who has young children. This means that it doesn't matter how fine or funny a man is, if I meet you and that is what you have going on, why would I waste your time or mine by continuing to date you?
I can't tell you how many single people have come to me all distraught because they ignored their own preferences, got emotionally caught up, and now they are trying to figure out if they should totally ignore the very things that they said they did — or didn't — want in the first place.
Bottom line, please value your time and feelings enough to know what are non-negotiables and then not go further with people who fall into those categories. It's not a selfish act. When it comes to valuing another person's time, too, it's actually a really thoughtful one.
Learn a Few Current Dating Trends
GiphyAt the end of the day, trends are simply something that's popular at any given time. As far as dating goes, knowing some current dating trends can prove to be beneficial because it can 1) provide some insight on how to potentially approach dating at any given time and/or 2) help you to detect some things that might be going on with someone while you're on your say, first, second or third date with them.
That said, some trends that are, well, trending this year include open casting and infla-dating.
As far as open casting goes, the best way to describe it is it's all about stepping out of your "type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'") and instead being willing to date individuals who may not look or even act the way that you're accustomed to. Now for the record, this doesn't mean that you should compromise your standards, deal-breakers, or boundaries in any way. It's more about not being so rigid in wanting a guy who is 6'2" and chocolate that you're not willing to even consider 5'10" and caramel. Because the reality is that a good man (if that's truly what you are after) may not look exactly like you prefer, yet if he's truly right for you, making that kind of compromise really won't matter much at the end of the day. Trust me.
Another dating trend is known as infla-dating. Can you guess what it's all about? Basically, it's the kind of dating that takes into account the fact that a lot of us just don't have the coins that we used to. For instance, I live in Music City, and an article came out recently that said you basically have to work somewhere around 60 hours a week in order to afford the ever-skyrocketing rink of this place. SMDH. I wish I could say that Nashville is the exception, but it's not. So now folks are finding more creative ways to date so that they don't have to tap into their rent money or their savings account in order to do it.
And for the record, that kind of approach isn't being "cheap." It's being wise. Shoot, I know a lot of couples who are on the brink of calling it quits as we speak because one or both of them aren't financially savvy. So yeah, dating people who can think outside of the box and still create some awesome dating memories while also being able to handle their financial responsibilities and obligations in the process? That reveals a thoughtful individual who is good at adulting too. If that ain't a solid potential long-term partner candidate, I don't know who is.
Keep the First Date Brief
GiphyListen, I'm a woman, and even I don't get all of this $200 first-date nonsense. If I was a guy, I would see that as a peak hustle, too, because there is no reason why a man who barely knows someone should be shelling out that kind of cash right out the gate. Know what else? There's no reason why a woman who values herself should want to automatically give someone the privilege of 2-3 hours of her time initially, either.
Honestly, unless you already know the person you're going on a first date with (for instance, a friendship is transitioning into something more or you've been talking to someone online or on the phone for a while and you're planning on meeting up for the first time), a first date needs to be light and not expected to go over more than an hour or so. Why? Because all that you're initially doing is trying to see if there is some chemistry and even a mutual interest to take things further — and you don't need more than a meet-up at a coffee shop or a bar for a glass or two of wine to do that.
If your immediate response is, "that's frugal AF," — I mean, if all your motive was is to get an expensive meal or reenact something you saw on some dating show on television…maybe. Yet, if you genuinely want to maximize your precious moments (not to mention energy and effort), a brief and semi-casual first date is the way to go. Besides, if there does happen to be a mutual spark, it's not like the two of you can't book a second date…hell, the next day if you want to.
Ask. Don’t Interrogate.
@lexaftercancer Reply to @jwillis808 Here’s my list! #datingtips #listofthings #dating #datingadvice
Listen, this woman said that she has a fiancé, so clearly, this method worked for her. THAT SAID, although I am a big fan of people knowing what they desire in a partner, I will say that if you plan on also coming up with an Old Testament scroll of characteristics and qualities, just make sure to keep in mind that sometimes what you want may not be exactly what you need — which is why it's a good idea to be flexible on some things. Also, the goal is not to find the perfect person but someone who is a great complement to your life (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life").
That’s why it’s also a good idea to not treat your dates like they are an interrogation. While it’s cool to touch on points that are of great importance to you, no one wants to feel like they are being bogged down with tons of inquiries.
So, how do you avoid wearing someone out on a date? Per date, think about 3-5 things that are a priority to you and ask about those. For instance, if you've had a pattern in the past of doing most of the work in your relationships, ask him about how he values reciprocity in a relationship. Or if spirituality is of the utmost importance, ask him what his spiritual practice is and how long it's been that way.
The reason why I provided these as examples is because…did you notice how they were worded in a way that still gets the results that you're looking for without someone feeling like they are being put on the spot?
I'm gonna be real, some folks end up self-sabotaging their dates, and it's because they come all anxious and hurried. You can't get to know everything that you need to know in two hours. Ask some questions, sure, yet also enjoy just learning someone's vibe too because it also reveals…quite a bit.
Expect Them to Have Expectations Too
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that they can have a book of what they want in a person and then act shocked when someone comes with their own comprised list. It’s almost like the “book person” is on some “You need to be everything that I expect and more, but you shouldn’t expect anything more than me showing up because I am enough automatically.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can hear all of the ego that is just oozing out of that sentence, not to mention how unfair and even unrealistic that way of thinking is.
So, if you’re someone who thinks that you “are the table” (insert eye rolls here) and so there should be no questions asked of you — I already see why dating hasn’t been working in your favor.
Just like you want to see how a man can add to your life, men want to know the same thing. Going on the defensive only causes them to build up walls. In other words, prepare to be a lot of what you expect. If that’s a challenge for you…maybe shorten that list — or at least don’t articulate as much of it — up.
Emotionally Pace Yourself
GiphyWhat happens if, after the first date, the guy checks off all of your (initial) boxes, and you’re ready to call your mama and tell her that you think that he’s the one? Yeah, PLEASE DON’T. While it’s cool to be excited about someone, if you don’t emotionally pace yourself, the elation can have you coming off as rushing things or even being too pushy if you’re not careful.
How? Well, if you really do think that he’s a great match for you, you could start emotionally processing him that way which could cause you to have expectations that are premature: “You think I’m awesome, and I think you’re awesome, so why haven’t you texted me this morning?” or “You said that you want to do this again, so why has it been four days and you haven’t booked another date yet?” GOODNESS.
I once read a study that said that when it comes to cultivating a true friendship, it takes 40-60 hours to create a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to become an actual friend, and 200-plus hours to become good friends. And that’s friendship, so why would you expect a relationship to miraculously unfold after three dinner dates?
Almost any emotionally healthy person is going to gravitate to an atmosphere of calm and serenity. So, while it’s okay to express that you’re looking forward to where this could go, as Benjamin Franklin so poignantly once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” In other words, try not to allow your feelings to override the reality that everything has a time and purpose, and, as a wise person once said, “Time prevents everything from happening all at once.” In other other words, pulling on flower petals, trying to get them to hurry up and bloom, only ruins the flower.
Date. Mindfully.
GiphyListen, if you don’t get anything else out of this article, please get how important it is to date from a place of mindfulness. And just what does that mean exactly? A simple explanation is when you are being mindful, you’re intentional about remaining in the moment. You’re not caught up in the past or consumed with the future.
When it comes to dating, in particular, mindfulness can be super beneficial because you’re not focused on comparing the current person with the people you’ve dated before, and you’re also not causing unnecessary anxiety and/or stress and/or drama by applying pressure on yourself or the person you’re getting to know by being obsessed with the possibilities of the future.
If you’d like to be more mindful in theory but you’re not exactly sure how to put it into practice, there are mindfulness principles that we all can stand to put into practice more often:
Reality. Reality is about what is rooted in truth and facts, not what you want or wish something to be. You can sho ‘nuff spare yourself some drama and trauma if you are someone who lives in reality while you’re dating instead of some rom-com or fairy tale that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
Accept. How would you feel if someone tried to change you? Exactly. Some people have a really bad habit of trying to “tweak folks” so that they can “make them fit” into their dating/relationship/marriage narrative. Avoid this, please. Accept people for who they are. If you can get wit it, awesome. If not, maybe they are just meant to be a friend — and that can be a blessing too.
Relax. To relax is to be less rigid, which speaks to being more flexible. When it comes to dating, this can help because if you’re willing to just let things reveal themselves as they come, that can help you to avoid overthinking or putting more stress on yourself than you should.
No one said that dating was easy. Still, if you’re a bit easier on yourself and the people you choose to go out with, each date can be an opportunity, a lesson, or a win. And all of these can be beneficial — if you choose to date smart instead of, well, hard.
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