Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things.

Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things.

Great oral sex isn't just about what you should do. It's also about what you shouldn't.


I must admit that I kinda chuckled to myself as I sat down to write this. You know how a lot of guys say that there is no such thing as bad coochie? That some is simply better than others? Well, while I do know a few women who are able to share some semi-horrific tales of being on the receiving end of oral sex (a few guys can too), for the most part, I'd say that we all can agree that oral sex is bomb. For us ladies, especially, since the direct clitoral stimulation is what significantly increases our chances of having an orgasm whenever we have sex. And with that being the case, oral sex is pretty hot without figuring out ways to make it…hotter.

Indeed. Indeed. But if you're already damn near climbing the walls as it is, aren't you, just the least bit curious, about what you can do to take things to an entirely different level? If so, this is for you. It's not deep. It's not difficult. It's just a list of a few tweaks that you can make here and there so that both you and your partner can enjoy cunnilingus and fellatio in ways that you possibly never have before. Let's dig in with, not what you should start doing but actually what you should STOP doing in order to make that possible, shall we?

1. STOP Thinking It’s Weird to Ask Your Partner About Their “Pube Preferences”


Yes, y'all. I know. It is our body and we can do whatever the "f" we want with it. That is so true. But unless you're the ultimate contortionist (with a next-level kind of freaky side), you probably won't be as up-close-and-personal to your vagina as your partner will (same goes for him). That's why, it can never hurt for the two of you to discuss if either of you have pube preferences—not because you have to concede to each other's requests. More like it's because, when both of you are more comfortable with what's going on down below, that can result in a lot more pleasure. Ultimately, for the both of you.

Example. I know a woman who absolutely hates her own pubic hair, so she's been bare down there for years. When she got married, though, she found out that her husband is the total opposite; he likes pubic hair. A LOT. So, she decided to let a little of her soul grow out. What's a trip is, while he's always been down to "bless her" with some oral action, she said that he was absolutely ravenous once her pubic hair started to show. So now, she's got a fade (LOL) down there and they're both happy. Actually, she's ecstatic.

Listen, you can do all of the pushback that you want on this particular point. But if you are in a long-term relationship, it can never hurt to ask your partner, "So, how do you like it down there?" (and for him to do the same). It could open up a whole new world of possibilities, if you do.

2. STOP Always Taking All of Your Clothes Off


Is it TMI? I don't know any other way to be, so my apologies in advance. Anyway, back when I was sexually active (which included engaging in oral sex), something that was really hot to me was having sex while some of my clothes were still on. You know, breasts out of the bra, panties pushed to the side—you get it. To me, it translated that my partner was so excited to have me, that there was no time to wait for me to get naked. Plus, having sex when you're not totally in the nude makes it easier to get a quickie in when you're out—out in your car, out in the backyard…out wherever you want to take the risk. Maybe it's the exhibitionist in me coming out on this one, but you know what they say—don't knock it until you've tried it, chile.

3. STOP Always Doing It in the Dark


You know what's a trip about this particular point? I don't know one man who prefers to have sex in the dark. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that they aren't turned on when they do. What I mean is, every guy I've talked to about this topic (and it's been a lot of 'em), they've said that they wish their partner would be down to have sex more with the lights on. And the ones who consider themselves to be oral sex connoisseurs, what makes them enjoy "partaking" even more is, to not just taste the fruit but to be able to look at it as they are doing it.

If, for whatever the reason, you are shy about having sex with the lights on, no one said that you had to flip the switch up in your bedroom or open up all of the blinds during the daytime. A blue or red light bulb can provide just enough light for him to enjoy you in all of your beauty and you to feel like you're not standing directly in a spotlight.

4. STOP Sticking to the Same Sex Positions


Believe it or not, even something as phenomenal as oral sex can lean towards the boring side if you're always doing it the same way all of the time. Avoid that by intentionally getting into other positions than simply sitting up or laying on your back. If you need a little inspiration to get your creative juices flowing, check out "6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees". Come to think of it, try and incorporate a few "accessories" too. Some flavored lube. Some whipped cream. A couple of ice cubes—you know, things that will help to take cunnilingus and fellatio to an entirely higher level (than it already is)!

5. STOP Being Silent


There are a few people I know who say that they are pretty close to silent during sex. No moaning. No sweet whisperings. And, definitely not any dirty talk. For shame, for shame because science backs up the fact that when a person is already physically aroused and then they hear dirty talking coming from their partner, that further stimulates them, making orgasms much more intense and pleasurable. On this particular point, Kelly Rowland's "Motivation" comes to mind (actually, "Kisses Down Low" does too #wink). If you're shy, I get it. Look at dirty talking as a way to encourage your partner to keep doing what they already are or to switch up to what will please you more. Just saying his name in a low voice can be enough to, yes, motivate him to give you more of what you want and need, so try and get out of your silence zone. Watch how much it does for your (oral) sex life!

6. STOP Ignoring the Perineum


Ah. The perineum. I must admit that, it wasn't until I became a doula, that I knew the technical word for this little sweet spot on the body. Basically, it's the area that is right in between the vaginal opening and anus for women and the scrotum and anus for men. When a pregnant woman is a few weeks out from giving birth, it's a good idea for her perineum to be massaged and stretched with oil because it can significantly reduce her chances of experiencing any vaginal tearing. Well, when it comes to oral sex, kissing and licking the perineum can intensify you and your partner's orgasms because, for us, it's a very sensitive area of our body, and for men, it's considered to be right where their "male G-spot" is.

7. STOP Limiting Oral Sex to Foreplay—Only


I know a few women who, although they like penetrative sex, if they had to choose between it or oral sex for the rest of their lives, oral sex would win by a landslide. I get this too since several studies indicate that half of women climax from cunnilingus while 70-75 percent don't from sexual intercourse. But in my world, I want it all and I don't separate oral from intercourse. Oral might be foreplay. Oral might be the main event. Oral might be afterplay. If things are going the way I'd like for them too, oral is involved in all three categories.

The point here is to not see oral sex as just an appetizer or just the main dish. Treat it more like kissing. Let it flow in and out of your time with your partner, however and whenever. It's been my personal experience that, when you do, it will only make the act itself more satisfying and your connection with your partner, that much stronger too.

8. STOP Settling for Just One Orgasm


Not too long ago, Salt-N-Pepa's video for "Whatta Man" came on. I smiled because I've always liked it. Shoot, I've heard it so much at this point, that I pretty much know all of the lyrics. That said, there have always been two lines that have made me be like "huh?". One is "spends quality time with his kids when he can" (when he can?!). The other is "knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night". Listen, while it's cool to have such earth-shattering orgasms that one is all that you need, I personally think that is a low bar.

Make it a goal for you and your partner to have as many as you can in one sitting (one day, one night…you get it). Even though we all have different refractory periods, something that is great about oral sex is, he can make you cum, and you can "hook him up" while you get your bounce back and then, he can "return the favor" after he cums. If y'all do this right, you can get at least 3-4 orgasms in before calling it a night. Which is definitely something that makes cunnilingus an absolute fave in my book. What about you?

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Black Women, We Deserve More

When the NYT posted an article this week about the recent marriage of a Black woman VP of a multi-billion-dollar company and a Black man who took her on a first date at the parking lot of a Popeyes, the reaction on social media was swift and polarizing. The two met on Hinge and had their parking lot rendezvous after he’d canceled their first two dates. When the groom posted a photo from their wedding on social media, he bragged about how he never had “pressure” to take her on “any fancy dates or expensive restaurants.”

It’s worth reading on your own to get the full breadth of all the foolery that transpired. But the Twitter discourse it inspired on what could lead a successful Black woman to accept lower than bare minimum in pursuit of a relationship and marriage, made me think of the years of messaging that Black women receive about how our standards are too high and what we have to “bring to the table” in order to be "worthy" of what society has deemed is the ultimate showing of our worth: a marriage to a man.

That's right, the first pandemic I lived through was not Covid, but the pandemic of the Black male relationship expert. I was young – thirteen to be exact – when Steve Harvey published his best-selling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Though he was still just a stand-up comedian, oversized suit hoarder, and man on his third marriage at the time, his relationship advice was taken as the gospel truth.

The 2000s were a particularly bleak time to be a single Black woman. Much of the messaging –created by men – that surrounded Black women at the time blamed their desire for a successful career and for a partner that matched their drive and ambition for the lack of romance in their life. Statistics about Black women’s marriageability were always wielded against Black women as evidence of our lack of desirability.

It’s no wonder then that a man that donned a box cut well into the 2000s was able to convince women across the nation to not have sex for the first three months of a relationship. Or that a slew of other Black men had their go at telling Black women that they’re not good enough and why their book, seminar, or show will be the thing that makes them worthy of a Good Man™.

This is how we end up marrying men who cancel twice before taking us on a “date” in the Popeyes parking lot, or husbands writing social media posts about how their Black wife is not “the most beautiful” or “the most intelligent” or the latest season of trauma dumping known as Black Love on OWN.

Now that I’ve reached my late twenties, many things about how Black women approach dating and relationships have changed and many things have remained the same. For many Black women, the idea of chronic singleness is not the threat that it used to be. Wanting romance doesn’t exist in a way that threatens to undermine the other relationships we have with our friends, family, and ourselves as it once did, or at least once was presented to us. There is a version of life many of us are embracing where a man not wanting us, is not the end of what could still be fruitful and vibrant life.

There are still Black women out there however who have yet to unlearn the toxic ideals that have been projected onto us about our worthiness in relation to our intimate lives. I see it all the time online. The absolute humiliation and disrespect some Black women are willing to stomach in the name of being partnered. The hoops that some Black women are willing to jump through just to receive whatever lies beneath the bare minimum.

It's worth remembering that there are different forces at play that gather to make Black women feast off the scraps we are given. A world saturated by colorism, fatphobia, anti-Blackness, ableism, and classism will always punish Black women who demand more for themselves. Dismantling these systems also means divesting from any and everything that makes us question our worth.

Because truth be told, Black women are more than worthy of having a love that is built on mutual respect and admiration. A love that is honey sweet and radiates a light that rivals the sun. A love that is a steadying calming force that doesn’t bring confusion or anxiety. Black women deserve a love that is worthy of the prize that we are.

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