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What I Learned From A Therapist About Being More Vulnerable In Relationships
By now we know it takes vulnerability to establish long-lasting and healthy relationships of all kinds. For someone like me, who is aware of this but a hot mess when it comes to execution, this is easier said than done. So, I spoke to a professional on tangible tips to explore my vulnerable side. India Douglas, LMSW works at a school in Brooklyn, New York teaching underserved kids the fundamentals when it comes to understanding feelings.
She also became a teletherapist at Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy for all ages and genders during the pandemic at a time when vulnerability issues became a hot topic of discussion. Her background with the building blocks of emotions, I felt was perfect to break down the root of my vulnerability issues and how to move forward.
While she has never treated me, for the purposes of this story, I did share with her a few intimate details about my struggles with opening up wholeheartedly to those I care about. "Your diagnosis would probably be somewhere within the anxiety wheelhouse. It sounds as if you have issues opening up because you fear the response of what would happen if you did and the what-ifs," she explained. "If you get treated at Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy, you might get an unspecified anxiety disorder diagnosis (found in the DSM-5). Later, they might put a specifier in there, based on whatever past experiences you share with your therapist."
Below find her tips for myself and others like me to navigate the ins and outs of being vulnerable.
How you should work on being more vulnerable:
"Before you get vulnerable with someone else, that vulnerability needs to start with yourself. You have to start by asking yourself the questions that you've been dodging in the back of your head. Begin journaling and really thinking about any traumas that you've had. Also, if something that you struggle with is anxiety—which is just the fear of the unknown—write down a list of what you're afraid of, and then the possible outcomes. Ask yourself, 'What if that did happen? Is it the worst thing? Is it the end of the world? What are you fearing from being that vulnerable? What reaction am I afraid of getting?' Write it down, look at it, stare at it and then figure out, 'OK, if this happened how would I respond to it?' It takes away that fear of the unknown.
"Vulnerability lies a lot with understanding your triggers. A lot of people are triggered by things that are attached to trauma or situations that happened in their childhood. When another person doesn't know these triggers, their reaction can come off negative. But when they do, then you open up a conversation and better communication between each other. So, if you're not open to understanding what your triggers are, how can you possibly be open to being vulnerable with somebody else? That's why people need to take time before they get into romantic relationships to get to know themselves—which can sometimes take years. That doesn't mean you can't date in the meantime, but it does mean that the more you know about yourself, the more you can share with your partner."
How to be more vulnerable in your relationships:
"When it comes to a romantic partner, I suggest taking each other out on dates. One takes the other out on a date and on that date, that's the date planners' day to be vulnerable and talk there about things. Don't approach the date like 'I got a bone to pick with you.' It shouldn't feel like a meeting or something you're dreading. It should be more like, 'This is my date day so I get to pick the spot and choose the topic of discussion this time.' And then next week is your date day to go where you want to go and discuss what you want to discuss. You can do this with family members too if you're trying to build or repair that relationship. Maybe not indefinitely, but for a period of time that gets you both to a better place.
"The number one thing I recommend is couples counseling. The best relationships are where you're in therapy, your partner is in therapy, and you are jointly in therapy. That is the best way to move forward. [Also,] there are card games like We're Not Really Strangers. That's a fun way to kind of get to know someone that you're interested in a bit deeper, and literally laying your cards on the table."
How to be open and expressive if you’re afraid of being vulnerable:
"For someone who is not good at being vulnerable, it might feel like, 'I want to be vulnerable with you but I'm scared of being vulnerable with you, and by me having even this conversation with you, is me being vulnerable.' Lean into your strengths instead of focusing on your weaknesses.
"If your strength is drawing, draw a picture that expresses how you feel; if your strength is music, play a song that expresses how you feel; if writing is your strength, write a letter or a card—everybody has certain strengths. You want to play off those strengths, they will empower you."
Being vulnerable with someone who is not receptive:
"If you do step out of your comfort zone and are vulnerable with someone, and they're not receptive, then that is a sign that this person is not ready to be vulnerable back with you. It takes two. Instead, focus on why you're seeking validation from this person who's incapable of giving you what you're giving of yourself. If you feel like this is a person that you want to work on things with, speak to them about it. Have them own up to it. And if they're unable to do that, then move on to somebody else who's willing and ready to be just as vulnerable as you, because it doesn't work if one person is putting in all the work."
How to receive someone’s vulnerability when being outwardly emotional doesn’t come naturally:
"By saying to them that you hear them and you are appreciative of them being vulnerable with you. Then add that you need some time to digest what was just said to you so that you can give them the proper reaction to that vulnerability. Sometimes when people have a hard time being vulnerable and then other people being vulnerable back, they go into a shell. That's something that needs to be shared with the other person so that they don't feel like, 'Wow, I just laid it all on the line and this person just blinked at me.'"
Patterns, behaviors, and language that should be established to create a space for vulnerability:
"Setting boundaries is a good place to start because once you establish your boundaries, you can figure out who you can trust. Once that trust is established, then the vulnerability just spills out. I feel statements which go something like, 'I feel like this and because of that, I would like this from you moving forward.' Ifeel statements are good because you're starting from the feelings and it's not an attack on that person. It's just you talking about how you feel."
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Featured image by SDI Productions/Getty Images
Originally published on March 31, 2021
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
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The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
Looking for ways to level up your solo sex sessions or your partnered sex play? Entering the wonderful world of arousal oils might be exactly what the doctor ordered. As its name suggests, arousal oil arouses. And they might very well be the pleasurable vessel through which your mind-blowing orgasms can be beckoned. Specifically, arousal oils are a pleasure-enhancing sex lubricant intended to increase the sensitivity to your nipples, your vulva, or your clitoris, just to start.
With an ingredient list that can include the likes of CBD, ashwagandha, and essential oils, arousal oils act as an aphrodisiac in a bottle, maximizing intensity and heightening the levels of pleasure you feel, thereby making your climax that much more attainable.
Keep reading for our selection of some of the best arousal oils in the game right now.
Bloomi Luxe Arousal Oil
Described as a "sensual pleasure oil," the Luxe Arousal Oil by Bloomi is clean with plant-derived organic ingredients. With 2-4 pumps, a gentle massage with this oil-based intimacy oil is formulated to intensify pleasure to your clitoris, your vulva, your thighs, or anywhere else you care to use it, before and during the act.
Foria Awaken Arousal Oil
Not only do reviewers rave about the "incredible o's" from Awaken Arousal Oil, but this best-seller is also known for its sensuous aroma, slip, and feel. With the uncanny ability to enhance sensations, users of the product have reported reinvigorated orgasms and renewed sex lives. And all we have to say is, say less.
Mood Maker Pleasure-Enhancing Intimacy Oil for Couples
Amazon
The Mood Maker had us at hello. Christina Aguilera's sex oil is where luxury and intimacy meet. Thanks to the relaxation facilitated by magic mushrooms and pleasure-enhancing adaptogens, the Mood Maker lays the groundwork for easeful foreplay, sex, and even an encore. With its texture like silk and warm scent, the oil effortlessly sets the perfect mood for pleasure play and allows your body to follow suit.
Lure Deluxe Intimacy Oil
Sultry, clean, and moisturizing are the cornerstones of this intimacy oil. The oil is formulated with organic ingredients like MCT coconut oil and CBD, so there is no need to worry about throwing off your pH balance or leaving behind a sticky residue when using it for intimate moments. The silky texture provides a sensual slip that is all gas no brakes, creating a slip n' slide glide during partner play, as well as solo play.
Bonus points: since it's all-natural, it's also oral-friendly. So Deluxe Intimacy Oil is queening-approved.
Green Compass Intimacy Oil
Green Compass
Entice and awaken your pleasure and your senses with the Intimacy Oil by Green Compass. An intimacy oil made for every body, this oil is fragrance-free, paraben-free, and silicone-free and formulated with plant-based and organic ingredients. With ingredients like organic hemp flower extract, coconut oil, and jojoba oil, the pleasure felt and experienced in intimate areas becomes even more intense upon application.
FOCL CBD Arousal Oil
Loved by users for its "perfect texture," its "warm wonderful feeling," and the fact that it's "non-irritating," the CBD Arousal Oil by FOCL is definitely worthy of a spot in your tox boy. Like other CBD oils, the hemp-derived product is said to ease tension and promote blood flow, which are major keys to enhancing and maximizing your sexual pleasure.
Sensuva On Arousal Oil
Amazon
Looks like we saved the best for last. Available in Lite, Original, and Ultra to give you the ability to choose the intensity that suits your intimate moments best, the On Arousal Oil by Sensuva is said to be one of the most powerful arousal oils on the market with good reason. With a "unique, buzzing vibration sensation on the clitoris," in 1-2 drops, On Arousal delivers more sensation during sex, helps women achieve orgasms quicker and more intensely, and can also help curb any issues with vaginal dryness.
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Featured image by Getty Images