From Miss Independent To 'Mrs': Why These Adjustments Are Necessary
I was watching Tyrese and Rev. Run's new TV show It's Not You, It's Men on OWN the other day and they were discussing relationships and independent women. Tyrese went as far as to say, "Don't independence yourself into loneliness." Although there have been numerous songs produced that celebrate the independent woman (by both men and women), unfortunately some men lack the understanding of our independence.
[easy-tweet tweet="Don't independence yourself into loneliness - @tyrese"]
Personally, I think it's a great discussion and I don't think they were bashing women by having this conversation. However, there are some guys who have a tendency to bash those of us who instinctively, and sometimes unknowingly, rely so heavily on our independence without fully comprehending the rationale for our actions. Furthermore, some of them fail to acknowledge their unwillingness to uphold their responsibilities as a man, which has ultimately forced so many of us into the independent role. But that’s a whole other topic.
Nonetheless, it made me think about my personal experience as a single, independent woman and then my transition as a wife. As someone who was raised in a single-parent home, like many other women I know, it wasn't a surprise that I practically gained the personality and mindset of the infamous lady known as “Miss Independent.” When you've been raised without a prominent father figure in the home or in your life, quite naturally you often become self-sufficient and tend to lack the knowledge, let alone need, for what it means to depend on a man for anything.
When Miss Independent and the Mrs. Meet
I remember watching the movie Think Like a Man and seeing glimpses of myself in Taraji P. Henson’s character. She was strong, outspoken, successful in her own right and she was all about girl power. She was the epitome of “Miss Independent.” When I was single, this was perfect for me because it was exactly that power, drive and my faith in God that has and continues to push me to pursue my goals and aspirations.
However, it wasn’t until I started dating my husband, and soon after we got married, when I realized how my independence was causing conflict within our relationship. I always knew I wanted a strong, black man, but I didn’t realize what that really meant, let alone what it truly means to be "one" in marriage. It was difficult at times to transition from “Miss Independent” to “Mrs.” because it was all so new to me (Side note: I use the term "transition" very loosely because I can't say that it's something that ever truly goes away). Quite honestly, I wasn’t used to having a man around who actually wanted to do certain things for me.
Sometimes, it was as simple as opening the door or even carrying the groceries for me. For so long, I was used to doing these things for myself simply because I had to. Now, there was someone who was actually trying to help me. However, when my husband tried to do these things for me I responded in a negative way like, “I can open my own door,” or “I can carry my own groceries,” or "I can do it myself." My tone would come off as condescending or disrespectful and I was unaware of how offensive this was to my husband. There were other times when I didn't have to even say anything because I said enough through my actions or body language.
My aha moment: I didn't realize the need to do things on my own was causing my man to feel as if I didn't need (or want) him.
I heard at a conference once before, “Men interpret lack of need for lack of respect." I didn't want my husband to think I didn't respect him. Nevertheless, it was important for us to discuss this so he could gain a better understanding of why I was "wired" the way I was and why I was constantly trying to do everything myself.
It's interesting because we say we want a man who does certain things, but I couldn't on one hand say, "I want a good man who does this and that for me," and then later have an attitude like, “I don’t need a man to do what I can do for myself." Instead, it's about acknowledging the good men who are willing to step up to the plate, and allowing them to be the man they want and need to be to us and for us.
The more we talked, the deeper I looked within myself and the more I dealt with my "daddy issues," I realized my whole concept of family and children was heavily influenced by my independence and abandonment issues. For example, when we started talking more and more about having children, it was obvious that I wanted to wait but my husband didn't seem to understand why I was so hesitant. I had to be honest with him and myself and admit that I actually saw children as a burden rather than a blessing and unbeknownst to me, I was scared of having to raise them on my own.
It's funny because even though I was married, there was a part of me that thought "But what if he leaves me to raise these children by myself? How will I do all of this alone?" My independent mindset and abandonment issues had kicked in yet again, only later realizing that it was stifling my growth as a woman and a wife. I feared a future potential blessing because of a past burden.
[Tweet "I feared a future potential blessing because of a past burden."]
Nevertheless, with the help of my husband's reassurance, loyalty, a lot of patience and his commitment to be a good husband and father, I've learned to look at things quite differently as it relates to my husband, marriage and our potential future family. Unlike the seasons in my life when I had no choice but to be independent because I didn't have an earthly father or male figure, things are different now. I don't have to go at this alone. I can depend on him to be there and be a good father if and when that time comes to have a family.
I Still Have Independent Tendencies But I Depend on My Man Too
As a woman, it’s not like I can just flip a switch and turn off my independence completely. As I said earlier, the experiences and qualities I gained as an independent woman led me to become the woman I am today, and some of those characteristics are quite naturally still a part of me. Besides, had I been overly needy and unable to do anything on my own, my husband wouldn't have wanted to be with me anyway. As I like to put it, be the woman a man needs, not a needy woman.
Now, more than ever, I am more cognizant of how my independent tendencies can impact my marriage and how they can potentially overpower the relationship and isolate me from my husband. Instead of rejecting his assistance and trying to do everything on my own, I'm learning how to adjust and have a healthy balance. He, too, is learning how to adjust and make changes on his end as well with certain things.
It's important to show our men not only how much we love them, but how much we respect them. Simply put, we have to let a man be a man. Although there are guys who aren't willing to step up to the plate and be a man, there are still mature, responsible men who desire to be real men to real women.
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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7 Black Men On TikTok Making Everyday Living Look ThirstTrappy
You know how many of us, ladies, keep wondering why men don’t have the same sexy, handsome looks of yesteryear? That look from the ‘60s to the ‘90s? I FOUND THEM. And guess what? They’re doing what “real” men do best…simply making themselves handy (and not just in the traditional, gendered sense of the word). These fellas make it easy to fantasize about the reality that there are still good men out there – men who come into the lives of women and make it easier and softer by contributing every day but meaningful ways.
No, I don’t know them in real life because I found them via TikTok, but that’s the fun of fantasizing. You get to take one piece of the pie and make up the rest of it as you go alone. It’s like a game of MASH–choose your fighter and then go from there.
When I was watching their videos, I was totally unaware that my libido had been laying so low OR how attractive a useful man was until I tuned in to these guys (it started with Cam, and you’ll see why shortly). And I don’t mean to make it sound like men are only as good as what they can do for you, but I think it’s safe to say that far too many men are weaponizing their incompetence and enjoy being cared for but aren’t as quick to pour back into the women keeping their day-to-day afloat. Not even in minimal ways.
That said, these men seem to be a breath of fresh air on a sunshiny day. And, allow me to be wholesome and candid for a minute but they made me optimistic that there is hope for us after all. That we can find husbands and fathers who allow us to exist in this world with less harm and hope.
And, on a less wholesome note… never mind. I choose to keep it cute, but you’ll soon know exactly why this feels like a helluva task in just a moment. The other refreshing thing about many of these videos is the ASMR vibes – very cathartic to watch; really brings a sense of peace and calm over you. And, not to gas it, but if watching a man in action in that way via TikTok does that, JUST imagine what having the real thing would be like. My God.
Here are seven Black men on TikTok making everyday living look thirstrappy AF.
Cam
@renaissancecam subsist ⚙️ #vlog #dailyvlog #sundayvlog #peace #adayinthelife #gardening #handyman #rotties #bbq #pitmaster #juicing #health #healthy #fruit #fyp #explore #foryou #viral #menshealth #farming #country #outdoors #dogs #landscaping #food #vibes
Not only does Cam (28 and single) understand the assignment when it comes to carefully selecting Sunday’s cleaning playlist but he also was handcrafted by God himself, giving us #TradMan in only the best ways possible. Based on my lurking/Inspector Gadget deep dive through his content, he chops wood, gardens, fishes, and cooks–it’s no mistake that his handle is Renaissance Cam. And, ladies, I was able to get a few other little details about him because we all know curiosity kills the cat. No need to stay curious when we can just know. Yes, he’s single. He’s a Leo. And his ideal first date is a picnic at his favorite sunset island near one of the spots where he likes to fish.
Derwynn
@lifeofdwho Look how dirty my washing machine was 🤢🤮 . . #sundayreset #sundayroutine #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #homefragrance #fyp #explorepage
Next up is Derwynn, who is more of a modern man. His content centers on his Sunday resets which entail deep cleaning his home–and, if you know, you know–Black household law is that this type of cleaning must occur on Sundays. And, man, ol’ man, does he make cleaning look good. It’s no wonder more men don’t do this willingly. Most have speculated that he’s a Virgo, but he’s actually a Cancer (but maybe he has other Virgo placements throughout?)
Deon
@chakmahtheking Brcome someone you woukd be proud of‼️ Don’t settle, you’re a KING! Follw me on IG @chakmahtheking #fyp #diy #motivation #jackofalltrades #king
Mister DIY himself, in living color! Admittedly, I did have to mute that Rocky music, but all the fix-it action 100 percent makes up for that. I don’t know him, but it’s giving “my man, my man, my man” type of delusion the minute I saw him handle that power tool (like my little pun). Unlike the first two, Deon isn’t quite as subtle in his understanding that he is indeed a prize (not to be confused with thee prize, y’all). But, he is, in fact, a man that adds value in many ways. And, this is what we mean when we say bring back these men – the good with their hands, easy on the eyes type men – and we’ll bust out the apron and the table settings.
Oklahoma Cowboys
@oklahomacowboys0 🤠 #oklahomacowboys #rodeo #blackcowboys #fyp #explorepage #cowboy #blacktiktok #fypシ #losangeles #countryboy #billpickettrodeo #race
When Destiny’s Child said, “they always be talkin’ that country slang,” I imagine these are the type of men they had in mind. Cause the video alone gone bring out my Southern ancestors in my spirit, and I was born and raised in Michigan. Babbbby, this is a retro type of man, and I’m here for it. It’s also a personal belief of mine that it speaks volumes about a man’s ability to nurture in the way that they care for animals and, in turn, the way animals respond to them. What’s that they say about animals and children being the best judges of character? Unfortunately, we don’t have a name for this cowboy, but fortunately, this page is action-packed with other cowboys.
John Doe
@atvmvp #honda #hondaaccord #carsoftiktok #cars #bodywork #painting #spraypaint #restoration #accidentrepair #southcarolina #blackmen #cartok #cartiktok #7thgenaccord #blackentrepreneur #blackdudes #budgetfriendly #voiceover #countryboy
While it’s always safest to have a bald-headed daddy to handle all your car issues, it definitely doesn’t hurt to have a car-fixing zaddy on call, too. Well, here you go! Out in the garage, in the hoop shorts and the slides – now him coming inside smelling like outside, car parts, and fading cologne. We also stan a frugal, problem-solving king! Peep how he purchased a used car and a five-dollar can of spray paint and got to work. The definition of getting it out the mud, if you ask me.
Stephen
@styleunrivaled #fyp #trending #viral #atx #car #ignitioncoil
Impressive, I must say. This gentleman, Stephen, walks us through replacing his ignition coils, but he also makes himself useful in other ways. That’s word to his other TikTok, where he offers the young fellas who want to argue about why women aren’t submissive instead of giving them something worth submitting to advice.
Lee
@leeshomeimprovement Deck for the chicken coop #fyp #foryou #dmv #blacktiktok #watchthis #explore #HousestoHomes #HomeImprovement #BuildingstoCompanies #blackmenbuilds #building #constructing #StayFocused #menwithdreads #follow #share #baltimore #HGTV
While this video doesn’t quite show Lee’s face, it does show his craftsmanship. I mean, it looks secure enough–I don’t know too much about building decks, but I do know this looks about right.. As for the rest, I scoped out the facecard on his other videos, and he is worthy of this list.
These men were difficult to come by, and I’m not sure if it has to do with the ratio of podcast mics to rakes/power drills/etc. Or because they’re simply not documenting themselves. But you should know that we’re looking for some more of these men folk to lust after while they check off the one honey-do list item within their reach through the internet … the one with my Rosé. Send more over! Tag them. I might even start a Make Men Great Again campaign on behalf of these brothas.
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Feature image by @renaissancecam/ Instagram, @steviie_j/ Instagram, @derwynnwho/ Instagram