xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
I considered myself a bad feminist until I read Mikki Kendall's Hood Feminism. This is mostly due to the perception of what mainstream feminism characterized itself as. For example, January 2017 comes to mind when I think of feminism. I consider the time when 4.6 million women—the majority of whom were white—demonstrated around the United States in favor of gender parity and the difficulties we would unavoidably encounter under the newly elected Donald Trump. I remember the placards insisting that people should never "grab their pussies." The banners complaining that "we" only get paid 75 cents for every man's dollar, and the shouts demanding equal pay, despite this being the least of our problems.
Yes, I give its superficiality a lot of thought.
While many lamented that women only earn 75 cents for every dollar earned by white males, I considered the reality that Latina, Indigenous, and Black women make even less. I considered all the significant concerns that were overlooked since white feminist issues constituted a huge portion of the feminist vision. However, I was unaware of the degree and rationale behind this contempt until I read Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot.
'Hood Feminism' by Mikki Kendallwww.shopatmatter.com
Hood Feminism introduced me to the several reasons why I believe my feminist credentials were inadequate. It gave me insight into the various areas that feminism should concentrate on to achieve success in my lifetime and that of my potential children. It taught me how to be a feminist in ways I've always wanted to be. This book covers all the issues and arguments that feminists should be paying attention to, to ensure that feminism is more than just a term. It isn't necessarily a call to action, but it is a playbook of how to create feminist movements that hold the ideals of all individuals involved.
To be an effective feminist, we must emphasize Hood Feminism, and Kendall provides us with a number of strategies to help us do just that.
"Solidarity" Is for White Women
"We can't afford to wait for equality to trickle down eventually."
The Problem: The feminist agenda has prioritized narrowing the pay gap as the top feminist concern. While the salary gap is undoubtedly a problem that has to be addressed, the feminist movement's decision to make it a central issue is the ideal illustration of the trickle-down method and how solidarityis truly for white women. The idea behind the trickle-down approach is that if all women band together to address the problems facing the majority, like equal pay, then they would be able to assist minority groups in fulfilling their objectives. In essence, we should scratch their backs before they scratch ours.
Nevertheless, this idea functions only proficiently in theory. Particularly when minority concerns like food poverty, child care, and gun violence demand more urgent attention and action, while some legal processes—like equal pay—take years to resolve. The mainstream media makes us believe that solidarity means forgetting that other problems need to be addressed first.
With the clear difference between abstract ideals and very real lives, there isn't a possible way all women can stand united, when fighting one issue worsens the survivability of another.
How It Can Be Solved: It is obvious how to handle this problem: take care of the larger problems first, and the smaller ones will be taken care of afterward. Work on bigger concerns like child care services, gun violence, and food poverty, which impact all women regardless of race, rather than the wage gap, when the majority of women barely even make the alleged 75 cents to a white man's dollar.
Hunger
The Problem: Two other feminism-related concerns that must be at the forefront of the movement are affordable housing and food poverty. Families' capacity to make ends meet is rarely given much concern, despite the fact that women have access to food stamps and public housing, among other government support programs. Hunger disproportionately affects women, with food insecurity being more common in families headed by single women than in those headed by married couples or single men.
Even worse, women make up 60% of the lowest-paid workers in the nation despite making up almost half of the workforce. In addition to all of this, the majority of their income is allocated to housing and child care, which leaves very little money for household maintenance and much less for food purchases, particularly in light of the ongoing inflation. Everything is simply unaffordable.
How It Can Be Solved: Call for lawmakers to be held responsible and to boost federal nutrition programs via practical measures. Nearly two-thirds of adult and senior participants in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) are female, yet the program offers very few advantages. The monies allotted to each household hardly even cover the costs of keeping the mother and kids fed. Increasing the monthly SNAP payment should be a top goal for policymakers in order to help more women become food secure and escape poverty.
Then, one may mention the pay disparity. Even though they make up the majority of workers, women still earn a lot less than males. As a result, women head homes that spend a larger percentage of their income on costs than men. Enforcing lawmakers to reduce the pay disparity may lead to more accessible housing and a decrease in food insecurity.
"Fast Girls" and the Festishization of Fierce
The Problem: Black women must mature more quickly than other girls. This is either due to expectations—where society stops viewing young black girls as girls around puberty—or needs—like needing to raise siblings or take care of oneself before one should. In any case, the perception that young Black girls are "fast" prevents them from being recognized for what they actually are: children. Given the battle being waged against Black girls, this adultification bias misses the fact that black girls need to learn how to fight, escape, and protect themselves at a very young age.
Black girls become strong women as a result of this instant adultification, and they are typically portrayed as "fierce" for conquering their surroundings. Sadly, this simply makes matters worse because Black women are increasingly viewed as self-sufficient and capable of defending themselves. They can preserve themselves because they are powerful. Because it is assumed that Black women can and will continue to help themselves, violence is inflicted upon them more frequently and major difficulties are disregarded.
How It Can Be Solved: Regard Black women as simply put, women—not "strong," nor "fierce." Regard them as people who deserve to be taken care of, fed, shielded, and given consideration. Black women and other minority groups need to be supported and encouraged when they seek help; instead of it being assumed they are capable of taking care of themselves.
Gun Violence
"The bullets that didn't hit me, still changed me."
The Problem: It is difficult to go five yards in predominately Black communities, where poverty meets life, without someone bringing up the topic of how unsafe the neighborhood is due to gun violence. Nevertheless, the same could apply to anyone who chooses to enter a public space in America, such as grocery stores, malls, hospitals, or schools. For the unfortunate, unforeseeable future, America and gun violence are synonymous. However, this truth is disregarded or publicized as a racial issue because it is only thought to exist in the context of poverty and Blackness. Never mind the sad truth, that women are the main victims of gun violence, due to domestic violence, mass shootings, and gang violence.
How It Can Be Solved: Gun violence must be seen by feminists as a feminist issue as much as a "Black issue." Guns are a leading cause of death for children in the United States; when they don't kill them, they terrorize them instead.
Race, Poverty, and Politics
The Problem: Always the savior, never the saved. Ironically, Black women are frequently viewed as the Democratic party's saviors. Black women voted 94% for Hilary in 2016, 96% for Obama in 2012, and 93% for Biden in 2020. Therefore, Democrats appeal to Black women if they want to win. However, Black women and their promised policies are frequently overlooked while legislation is being produced. Rather, the laws that are always remembered have to do with restricting Black women's rights and limited authority.
The majority of them lead to gerrymandering, such as that which is occurring in Alabama, or the development of laws that further downplay the hardships faced by Black women, such as poverty. Even worse, the policies that are being imposed are the result of white women's votes, who hurried to support the undermining of the laws that granted them the same liberties.
How It Can Be Solved: It is imperative that white feminists recognize the ways in which racism affects elections and the growing disparity in voting rights and access. Furthermore, Black women must recognize and resist ongoing limitations on our right to vote as well as the rights of other groups whose voting rights have been curtailed, such as those of those incarcerated. Racism is being utilized to deny our voices a platform and make our votes insignificant, and we can no longer afford to ignore this. This includes combating policies that undermine the right to vote, or even the right to vote easily, and making protecting voting rights a priority.
To understand other various ways you can use Hood Feminism to combat other feminist issues, such as education, housing, parenting while Black, the reigning patriarchy, reproductive justice, allies, and more, give Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall a read or listen.
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Taysha Robinson is a writer and high school English teacher, based in metro-Atlanta. A self described philomath, you can find her reading books and articles of every genre, attending educational conferences, and hiking wherever the terrain will allow.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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Sex & The New Year: Single Women Get Candid About Their 2025 Intimacy Goals
Fail to plan, plan to fail. It is certainly a saying that all of us have heard at one point or another; however, when it comes to sex, specifically, and definitely when it comes to women who aren’t married or in a serious relationship, I’m not so sure that plans are encouraged as much as they probably should be. I don’t just mean planning to get tested with partners or planning to use birth control — hopefully, those things are a given (right?).
What I mean is, if you are someone who likes to sit down and come up with resolutions for the new year, when it comes to your sex life, what exactly are you resolving to do? What sex-related goals do you actually have? Because if you don’t know and you kind of just let life “happen to you,” the way you end 2025 may not be the way you planned…because there never was a plan in place.
All of this is why I decided to ask 10 single women to pause, ponder, and then produce a semi-formal sex plan that they would be willing to share with y’all. Although a few of them were taken aback by my request at first, by the time they gave me their answer, each woman found it to be something that they would be doing annually moving forward — because, like everything else in life, knowing what you want out of sex, for yourself, is essential. And you certainly increase your chances of getting what you desire…when there is a plan in place.
*Middle names are always used in these types of interview pieces so that individuals can speak freely*
1. Hannah. 28.
Giphy“Girl, my sex plan is to stop having sex with my ex-fiancé. When we broke off our engagement 16 months ago, I’m not sure if either of us thought that we’d keep having sex like we were still together. But who wants to keep racking up bodies or risking getting an STD? Plus, the sex with him? I have never had it so good and so consistent. But when you asked me about putting a ‘sex plan’ together, and I really thought about how our relationship has no future — I accept that I need to let that last part of us go. Otherwise, I could date someone and still be having sex with my ex. I’m not going to tell him [her ex] about my plan until after our date on New Year’s Eve. Don’t judge me. I’m a work in progress!”
Shellie here: Check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”
2. Alexie. 34.
Giphy“I’m gonna have me some multiple orgasms, dammit! I am so tired of reading about them and not being able to relate. I think women have been conditioned to think that even getting one is something that we should be grateful for — you know, kind of like that Salt-N-Pepa brag about getting knocked out for the night after one ‘shot.’ No ma’am. I wanna know what it’s like to cum, pause, cum again, pause, and cum again. I’m going to make that my mission for the entire year. I’ll let you know how it goes.”
Shellie here: Check out “How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.”
3. Thalia. 27.
Giphy“I want to learn how to enjoy oral sex more — not giving, receiving. I’ve always liked the power that comes from giving a man head, but I haven’t met a guy who makes receiving it feel as good as my girlfriends talk about. Whenever it happens to me, I feel annoyed; it’s almost like a dog is licking on me or something. Everything just feels wet, sloppy, and aimless. I’ve got a guy friend who says that he can get me what I’m after. I’m considering him because I’ll be damned if I’m out here giving out all this good head, and I end up dying not knowing what everyone else is even talking about!”
Shellie here: Check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).” and (just in case) “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”
4. Icelynne. 30.
Giphy“‘Get over a man by getting under a different man’ is some bullsh-t. All you do is up your body count. The guy I’ve been seeing, the kissing is good but the sex isn’t that great, but I really like him. In the past, I would just move on, but now that you ask me to come up with a plan — I think the plan is to try and make sex better. You get older, and you realize that sometimes you ‘click’ immediately with someone, and sometimes, you need to be more patient. It’s not that the sex is bad, it’s just that I’m used to good sex being easier. Learning to talk about my needs and working with someone to meet them — that’s the plan for next year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Do You Lie About Your Body Count? Here's Why You Shouldn't.,” “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed” and “Is There REALLY Such A Thing As 'Bad Sex'?”
5. Gabriella. 45.
Giphy“I’m sick of reading about all of the different kinds of orgasms that you can have and barely knowing what a [clitoral] one feels like. If I can have a nipple orgasm, then I’m going to have one. And I can have one by myself? In my sleep? [Shellie here: Yes, sleep orgasms are an actual thing] And what’s this, you can come just from someone kissing you, right? What the f-ck?! I’m on mission to be able to say that I’ve had every type of orgasm there is. The interviewing process for this mission is about to be so funny, too. I already know.”
Shellie here: Check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”
6. Terrika. 33.
Giphy“I’m leaving faking orgasms in my rearview mirror. It doesn’t help anything. All it does is make men think that they’ve accomplished something that they haven’t and make me resent them for doing it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been acting like I’ve cum for so long that I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve had a real orgasm — oh, yes, I can, and it was two damn years ago! I think because I like sex, even if I don’t cum, is why I’ve put up with it for so long. I’m not getting any younger, and I need to make sure I end up with a man where I don’t have to do any pretending. 2025 is going to be my year. I am speaking it into existence!”
Shellie here: Check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” and “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”
7. Persephone. 38.
Giphy“I want to experience sexcations all over the world. I find it fascinating how much sex gets better for me whenever I’m in a new environment. If that can happen just with a different hotel or an Airbnb, I can only imagine what it would be like to make love in London, Cape Town, or Barcelona. It’s also sexy to get to know someone better in a different space. I met a guy [last year], and our connection is strong. We’ve been talking about stamping our passports together. We haven’t had sex yet. I think an international sexcation being our first time, would be perfect for the new year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!” and “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”
8. Evelyn. 29.
Giphy“I want to know what ‘making love’ feels like. Is that weird to say? Coming into sex, I was what my friends say is a ‘late bloomer’ because I didn’t have sex until my junior year [of college]. It wasn’t random, but it wasn’t with a guy who I loved — well, I loved him as a friend and still do, but it wasn’t a romantic type of thing. I was curious and trusted him to try it out. I don’t regret that, but since, there have only been a few others, and the pattern has been the same: sex with friends and nothing mind-blowing. [In 2025], I want to wait until I’m in a serious relationship and then have sex. I keep hearing that love-making is the best. I have no clue. Would like to know.”
Shellie here: “Unforgettable: 10 Men Open Up About That 'One Experience' They'll Never Forget”
9. Tamiko. 41.
“I want to take a break [from sex]. During my marriage, we had so many sex problems that once we divorced, I definitely made up for lost time. It was mostly because I felt like I was being ‘sexually gaslit’ by my husband — like I couldn’t get the sex that I was after, and it was my fault. Now that I know that it wasn’t a ‘me problem,’ it was an ‘us issue,’ and I’ve gotten all of my ‘itches scratched,’ I’m ready to learn some other things that make me tick outside of the bedroom. I’m not necessarily declaring abstinence for a year, but I am done with my nothing-more-than-sex quest. Next time, it will be someone who gets me excited in more than just the bed.”
Shellie here: Check out “I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.” and “6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner”
10. Lana. 51.
Giphy“My plan is to be more open-minded — not so much when it comes to my standards for a partner but the things that I’m willing to do sexually. I’m not the most conservative person on the planet, but when it’s always in the back of your mind that you can get pregnant, that can make you more cautious. I’m on the tail end of menopause now, so I suddenly feel more adventurous. With a steady sex partner, I’m ready to try whatever and do whatever. Sex that exceeds anything I’ve done before…that is my 2025 plan, girl. Let’s go!”
Shellie here: Check out “What Having Sex After Menopause Is Like, According To 10 Women”
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