Get That Old Thing Back: 4 Things I've Learned About Rekindling An Old Flame
“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." – Kahlil Gibran
It's the quiet moments with him that leave me the most thankful that we found our way back to each other.
If you were to ask me a year ago, the thought of us reconciling or rekindling our relationship would have never crossed my mind. Been there, done that, scorched earth philosophies–you name it. Giving second chances were reserved for my first love.
The loves that came after and somehow did not work, I felt it was the way things just had to go. I loved, I lost, accepted that L, and kept it moving. My current partner was no different in that regard. We weren't seeing eye to eye and wanted different things. He made it clear to me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but could very much see himself committing to me in the future. I had heard that line before and just wasn't believing it despite how honest I knew him to be. Six months came and I decided it was time to bow out because we weren't progressing the way I wanted to progress in a romantic relationship.
I didn't foresee him reentering my life. He came back singing a different tune, being patient as my new relationship began to fizzle out, all while being an incredible friend to me along the way. He and I went out shortly after and I realized that starting over in our relationship was something that I really wanted to do with him, especially because unlike the year before, we seemed to be where we needed to be in order to rise in love.
Starting over in a relationship might not be a viable option for a lot of couples going through their ups and downs, but I've learned a few lessons about starting over in a relationship that just might change your mind about stepping away and seeing if your love comes back to you better than before.
Lesson One: There is no such thing as a clean slate.
Or at least not in my opinion. But for me, I do feel there is a such thing as a mutual understanding of the past being the past and concentrating on the relationship for what it currently is versus what it was and wasn't. It's about coming from a viewpoint of having instead of lacking. Old discussions will come up, but it is important not to fester, dwell, or punish, but instead to face it head on and have those tough conversations before they become unconquerable.
Lesson Two: Sometimes time apart gifts you with a pair of brand new eyes.
Time apart can grant new perspectives and new appreciation for one another. Sometimes you meet that person again, the circumstances are better and maybe love can thrive, which is wonderful and the preferred outcome in make it or break it scenarios. Often times however, moving on is just that. Regardless of the desired outcome, it's important to approach that process of moving on with sincerity and without expectations of a reconciliation. Be prepared to accept whatever outcome that happens.
Lesson Three: Running away is not the answer to solving problems.
I confess, I am a habitual runner. I've spent the greater part of my adult life in short-term relationships versus long-term ones, largely because when something doesn't work for me, no matter how trivial, I kinda just go into this default mental chorus of “on to the next one, on on to the next one" and keep it moving. Nothing gets solved that way though. Sometimes a knee-jerk emotional response isn't the best way to sustain a relationship. So, I appreciate the way this person has anchored me and provides balance to my sometimes emotional waves. I like to think we do that for each other. His effort and his fight for me inspires the same response.
[Tweet "Fight for what you want in life and in love."]
Lesson Four: The gray area can be a fun place.
I am a true Cancer; I crave security. It is my deepest want, and thus, my deepest fear is rejection. In the past, casual relationships have been difficult for me, because in a lot of ways, it goes against my nature and my desire for control. In relationships, I often label “dating" as “black" and “committed" as “white", with the “gray" being what's in between. We are, but we aren't. We are sleeping together, blurring those clearly defined lines and making gray by making love. Forgive me, but that part used to freak me out to no avail.
Maybe it's history. Maybe it's how hard he fights for me. Maybe it's him showing up day in and day out. Maybe it's the fact that I don't care about “what if" or “then," and focus solely on “what is" and the “here and now." Or maybe it's the things that I am learning about myself--but I feel good here. Damn good. I actually think this is the most secure I've felt with anything in years. And it's all because of me and where I am in my life.
What are some lessons you've learned about life chapters with recurring romantic leads?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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