Married Couples Aren’t Always Gonna Agree…And That Is Okay. Beneficial, Even.

At the end of this article, I will post the second video that I just referred to, mostly because I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch for yourself. However, the main thing that Glen said that inspired this post is, as he was paying attention to all of the steps that his wife was taking to make not-just-any-ole’ pancakes for the family vs. what his method would probably be, he said, “Although we don’t agree, we are aligned.”

Listen. LISTEN. As someone who’s been working with married couples for two decades at this point, that got me right in the gut. Lawd, how I wish that more people would get that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean that you always have to AGREE (have the same views or emotions about things)…the goal should be to make sure that you always remain ALIGNED, though.

And why shouldn’t agreement be the main priority? To me, I look at agreement in a marriage a lot like I look at perfectionism for individuals — it’s simply unrealistic. Just because you selected someone to “do life with” or, as Scripture calls it (Genesis 2:24-25), “become one” with, that doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are identical — and that alone means that the two of you will not agree all of the time.

In fact, there is plenty of science out here that says that disagreements and conflict can be good for your personal and relational development because they can do the following things:

• Conflict can help you see things from another perspective
• Conflict can teach you how to become a better listener
• Conflict can show you where you need to brush up on your communication skills
• Conflict can help you to master controlling your emotions (and your tongue)
• Conflict can show you how to set and respect boundaries
• Conflict can reveal where you need to show humility (like when to apologize, for example)
• Conflict can help you to become a better problem solver
• Conflict can teach you the art of negotiation and compromise
• Conflict can show you how to see the bigger picture
• Conflict can reveal where you need to mature and evolve as a person

Yeah, anyone who thinks that a relationship should be conflict-free is not only someone who is living in a dream world; they also tend to be a great example of where I am coming from when I say, “Many people are not looking for a PARTNER; they are looking for an AUDIENCE.” Meaning, that they don’t want someone who is going to help them, sometimes through conflicts and disagreements, to become a better individual; they simply want a “yes” person who is going to go along with what they say all of the time. SMDH.

Okay, but what about another Scripture that asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 — NKJV)

Good question, and to that, I will say, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re considering getting married soon, you mostly definitely need to be in agreement when it comes to some core things like your value systems; how you see family; if you have similar goals and insights when it comes to finances; if you esteem marriage in the same way; boundaries that need to be set with each other and other people (including and sometimes especially family); how a household should be ran; if you see the future in a similar way and honestly, if you’re on similar pages about religion/faith (or at least can you live in harmony if your belief systems are different — check out “6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship”).

By ignoring how important it is to have similar views on matters as big as these, you can end up being in unnecessary conflict — and yes, as much as a home can start off in peace and with a sense of harmony, the better. After all, “until death parts us” is a really (REALLY) long time.

Beyond that, though, again, it’s okay to not always agree. The goal, instead, should be alignment.

Let’s explore the difference for a bit.

You Can Disagree in a Productive Way…When Your Ultimate Goal Is to Be ALIGNED

I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the only time when you actually hear about alignment is when folks are talking about the universe or planets (which basically means that they appear to be in a straight line). However, when it comes to what we are discussing today, when two people are aligned, alignment means “to bring into cooperation or agreement with a particular group, party, cause, etc.” In other words, being aligned doesn’t “just happen” — mutual effort is required.

That’s actually why I like the word so much because, literally, cooperate means “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.”

Yep, when married folks want a peaceful dynamic, they strive to cooperate with one another for the sake of a common purpose or benefit…even if there are some disagreements along the way. And, in order to do that, they have to remember how important it is to be aligned with one another — and then be willing to put in the necessary effort.

And how does that transpire? Well, here are some synonyms for align that particularly stand out to me:

1. Ally:

Allies “unite formally,” and boy, are there times when I wonder if my clients are allies or enemies. SMDH. When two individuals have both decided that, no matter what, they are going to stand as a united front, they really can get through just about anything. Period.

2. Troubleshoot: 

How cool is it that “troubleshoot” is a synonym for align? I adore that because troubleshooting is all about discovering ways to eliminate problems or malfunctions — yes, even in a relationship. And here’s the thing about troubleshooting: oftentimes, you have to be willing to try several different approaches and methods, all the while BEING PATIENT until you find what works for the both of you or for the problem overall…even if that means following your spouse when you would prefer to do your own thing (follow is another synonym, by the way).

3. Adjust: 

People who can make adjustments are people who are flexible; they are not so rigid in their way of thinking that they aren’t willing to shift in order to reach a common goal. So many people can’t make their marriage work or last due to this one necessary skill alone.

4. Accommodate: 

One of my favorite definitions of accommodate is “to make suitable.” When you watch the video of Yvette making the pancakes for her family, because they are in a hotel in Mexico, she has to make some accommodations, i.e., make some adjustments, in order to get the job done. Would it be easier at home? Yes, yet the objective is to do her best with what she has. Mature individuals get that this should be the ultimate objective of marriage too. Be willing to make accommodations. Again, mutually so.

5. Sympathize: 

“Sharing in the feelings” of your partner is what sympathizing is all about. Hmph. You’d be amazed by how much peace can come to a stressful situation if both people are simply willing to understand how the other individual feels about it — and then validate that emotion.

6. Mend: 

“Mend” is such a bomb word for marriage. That’s because mending is about making things whole, repairing what’s been damaged, removing defects, making progress, and setting things right. I know far too many people who married conflict-makers instead of menders. Singles, if you are tiptoeing in on this, if you are not with someone who displays very clear “mending” characteristics — you need to totally reconsider the relationship. TRUST ME.

7. Improve:

I adore this word as well because Glen said that although he and Yvette may not always have the same views or emotions on things (agree) because they are aligned, they seek out how to improve matters and each other — and improve means “to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.” You know what this means? Sometimes, a disagreement, when done well, can actually make things better than before.

When mutual respect, patience, and a desire to make things even “more excellent” is what the husband and wife want, that is exactly what can happen.

____

And all of this is why I say that if married couples are willing to apply the word “align” to their relationship, there can be so much more understanding, growth, and even love that can take place — because when you get that you don’t have to be the same, you just have to ultimately desire similar things for the relationship…you can be so much more effective in your approach.

So, if you’re ready for a healthier dynamic: GET INTO ALIGNMENT.

A game-changer, for the better, indeed.

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