Can You And Your Ex Find Love Again After A Toxic Relationship?
After writing an article on leaving my toxic ex, I got a question that I never anticipated: What could my ex have done to get me back? I choked from laughter. There was not a damn thing he could have done.
However, the man on the other side of this question wanted an answer, expressing his desire to rekindle a relationship with his child's mother. He explained that she was single and not dating anyone and that he was a changed man. However, she made it clear there was no hope for them. Our conversation was brief, but one thing became clear: This wasn't the first person to mess up and it wouldn't be the last. The only thing he could do at this moment was to respect her wishes.
This got me thinking, was there love after toxic behavior? Yes, I believe so. This doesn't apply to everyone, specifically anyone who physically, mentally, and/or sexually abused their partner. Y'all can kick rocks.
However, some mistakes are a direct result of ignorance, while others can be linked to selfishness, greed, and ego. If you or your significant other displayed any of these behaviors, then it's time to tell the truth and own your mistakes. Next, you must accept there's no guarantee your desire to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge.
On the flipside, love isn't linear and there are plenty of happy and healthy couples that reunited after breaking up, but make sure both you and your partner meet these requirements, first.
How To Fix A Toxic Relationship
1.Change Your Mindset
If you're thinking about pursuing your ex, you must change your behavior. The same mindset won't work. This is the time to work on yourself. You've got to do more than talk, show them that you care. My suggestion? Start with figuring out the root of your issues. Perhaps, you could try therapy. It's a safe space to be vulnerable and share your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I can attest to its healing elements, which allowed me to identify traits like jealousy and residual anger that I had to release. Use your sessions to become a person you could be proud of.
2.Honesty & Transparency
An apology isn't enough. Communicate your feelings, the self-work you're doing, and your hopes for the future. Be brutally honest and don't leave anything out. It may seem weird at first, but this could be the breakthrough you're looking for.
Transparency builds trust.
3.Be Flexible
One of the biggest issues in a relationship is the inability to be flexible. Some non-negotiables need to be communicated and agreed upon. Think about some of your biggest disagreements and if it was worth it. Were you stuck on getting a certain result? Did the outcome drive you apart? Write out your list of must-haves together and compare the results. This will help both of you get clear on what's most important.
4.Listen & Learn
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Active listening can improve your relationship because it's an emotional skill that forces you to engage. Ask your ex what they're feeling and what healing looks like to them. Don't fight them on their truth, it's theirs. Instead, listen for opportunities on how you can improve and support their boundaries.
5.Accept the Present & Move On
As I mentioned before, there's no guarantee that your desires to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. It may be time to accept that it's over. Accept that you played a part in this outcome and now that you know better, you can do better. You have an opportunity to be more intuitive and empathetic through the lessons that you've learned.
With maturity, my thoughts on relationships have changed. I've come to find that no one is all good or all bad; they're just human. The blame doesn't fall on one person; it is a result of actions–and those not taken. If you decide to rekindle the relationship, then that's your business. Be prepared to start fresh because resentment and love can't exist in the same space. Always remember, you are enough with or without them.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Exclusive: Koryn Hawthorne On Her Miraculous Love Story: ‘I Was Never A Girlfriend’
Gospel singer Koryn Hawthorne has used her voice to let the world know about what God can do, and now the Season 8 finalist of NBC’s The Voice is sharing a miraculous act that led to her engagement.
The Praise This actress shared in an interview with xoNecole that prior to becoming engaged to her partner, Hunter Register, she passed over one particular title on her way to becoming a fiancée.
“I was never a girlfriend,” Hawthorn, 26, tells xoNecole.
“We've known each other since we were kids, so we just kind of always had this distant friendship. We would hit each other up on social media, and [I] slide up under things that he was posting,” she says. “We ended up hanging out together, and when we hung out, it was an instant immediate connection from all fronts. I think we just knew from the first day that I don't want to spend a day apart from you.”
Koryn Hawthorne On Her Miraculous Love Story, New Album, & More
She continued, "And yeah, we probably were boyfriend or girlfriend after — am I delusional? Then we were engaged a few months later.”
The Grammy-nominated singer, who became engaged in November of 2023, went on to share what her experience has been preparing to become a wife, exploring the personal growth, challenges, and emotions experienced throughout the process.
“It's a journey, I'm not gonna lie,” she says. “Relationships, in general, are hard, and whenever you think about marriage, is just different from being boyfriend and girlfriend because if you piss me off, I could just go,” she shared. “But marriage is an actual commitment. It's a partnership. It's a ministry.”
Hawthorne, 26, and Register, 27, were childhood friends growing up in Louisiana and sealed their love during a weekend getaway in New Orleans last fall.
For the gospel star, marriage involves more than lovely-dovey aspects, emphasizing how her relationship has allowed her to grow, mature, and learn valuable lessons through love.
“We were supposed to get married in May, but like for us to be mature enough to be like, ‘You know what? No, let's take the necessary time to make sure that we're fully prepared for this commitment such a beautiful thing,” Hawthorne reflected.
“It's a learning curve for sure, but our preparation for marriage would have been the only thing that brought this out of me. It's hard and it's scary at times, but it's God's purpose and His plan for our lives.”
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Featured image by Dia DipasupilGetty Images