

We Don’t Have To Mourn Our Oppressors
My mind often returns back to the day of Nipsey Hussle’s funeral when his partner Lauren London took to the stage at his televised service and spoke about their relationship. In one of the many profound moments of her eulogy, it’s when she said “grief is the final act of love,” that stayed with me the most.
I thought about those words a lot in the past week after the death of Queen Elizabeth II at the age of 96 garnered controversy after two Black female professors made international news after calling attention to the monarchy and by extension the Queen’s history of colonial violence.
“I heard the chief monarch of a thieving raping genocidal empire is finally dying,” Carnegie Mellon professor Uju Anya tweeted in a now removed-by-Twitter tweet. “May her pain be excruciating.”
RISD professor Zoe Samudzi also tweeted:
“As the first generation of my family not born in a British colony, I would dance on the graves of every member of the royal family if given the opportunity, especially [Queen Elizabeth II],” RISD
They were far from the only ones calling out the Queen’s legacy; a stadium full of Irish soccer fans gleefully chanted “Lizzie’s in a box,” when they heard the news. And yet the richest man in the world and owner of The Washington Post Jeff Bezos, used his power to single Anya out for her tweet, leading her institution Carnegie Mellon to condemn her in their own Twitter statement.
British tabloid The Daily Mail singled out t both Professors Anya and Samudzi for condemnation in an article, spawning thousands of trolls to harass them, justifying their ire with the notion that death absolves someone of the harm and abuse they committed while they were alive — or at the very least should prompt people to refrain from talking about it.
Death brings an end to someone’s life, but it doesn’t bring an end to the way someone made people feel or their reverberating impact on the world.
Let them tell it, Elizabeth was either a frail old woman with no power or agency as the figurehead of colonial rule for her 72-year-reign, or she was so powerful that she had a hand in decolonizing the countries that were seized by her Empire (and, of course, rebelled and won their independence from her rule without her help).
Aside from the obvious point that death doesn’t erase the things people did while they were alive, mourning is just one of the many ways we continue to express the love that we already feel towards someone. Death brings an end to someone’s life, but it doesn’t bring an end to the way someone made people feel or their reverberating impact on the world.
The racist and misogynist backlash that these Black women have been singled out by the media to receive exposes who monopolizes our empathy and grace in life and in death. In the wake of Elizabeth II's death, hospital appointments, surgeries, funerals, and more have been canceled to "show respect" for her funeral, which matters more than the continuing lives of the people in the UK. Not to mention, the deaths of millions of Black and brown people who lived in British colonies, whose lives were sacrificed for the maintenance of British rule, don’t elicit mass sympathy. There aren’t weeks of televised mourning in their honor. They simply become nebulous collateral, mere casualties in the project to maintain white British hegemony.
A way to ensure that people don't celebrate your death is to live a life that doesn’t bring people endless pain.
In an interview with The Guardian explaining her tweet, professor Anya spoke about the family she lost in the Nigerian civil war, a direct result of British colonizers creating the boundaries of Nigeria and founding it as a colony of Britain. Though the war took place seven years after Nigeria won its independence, the UK government sent money and arms to the Nigerian government for the war against the Igbo people in the south, to maintain its control of the country – the extent of which was only recently revealed in 2020. “‘We lost half of our relatives,” Anya shared. “That’s the legacy of this war. It was a genocide, a slaughter, a holocaust.”
Sometimes love and mourning towards our departed loved ones manifests as anger toward the institutions and figureheads that are responsible for their deaths. A way to ensure that people don't celebrate your death is to live a life that doesn’t bring people endless pain.
Queen Elizabeth II is survived by a legacy of colonialism, imperialism, and white supremacy. She leaves behind decades of bloodshed, violence, and carnage in the name of royalty. Her death ends her life but it doesn’t end the memory of the destruction to come under her reign. Silencing her critics only serves to whitewash the UK’s violent imperialism and colonialism. As Zora Neale Hurston said, “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it." May peace and power be with the ones whose blood was spilled to build the United Kingdom.
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“Just date yourself” could easily be crowned as the worst advice you could impart to a single woman. The all-too-common expression has become blanket advice for us dating folks and is typically met with eye-rolls and dismissal. In most cases, it’s coupled with the dash of “just work on yourself” and a sprinkle of “let love find you,” leaving some to believe that love enters our lives when we’re on the offense.
But in recent times, the conversation surrounding dating yourself has been reclaimed to mean something that’s less about turning ourselves into a DIY project and more about making time to give ourselves the love, attention, and quality time that we desire.
Masturdating & What Exactly Is Solo Dating
Solo dating, otherwise known as masturdating — as Urban Dictionary defines it, is the act of “going out alone” and enjoying one's own company without the presence of a romantic partner. The method is all about taking the time to explore your interests and passions while discovering acts of self-love that truly make your heart flutter.
While popular culture has made singleness out to be a sort of loveless life sentence, solo dating takes the focus from outward expectations to an inward commitment. It can be a liberating and empowering experience for women to go on solo dates, especially if they’re used to putting their own needs and desires aside for the sake of others.
When you participate in going on solo dates, you in turn, learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company, build self-confidence, and develop a stronger sense of self-awareness.
How Do You Go on a Solo Date?
Solo dates can take many different forms, depending on one's interests and preferences. For example, some women may enjoy going to a museum or art gallery on their own, while others may prefer taking a solo hike in nature or trying out a new restaurant.
Whatever your speed is, the key to a successful solo date is to approach it with an open mind and a positive attitude. Sans the lonely girl energy. Why? Because there’s no shame in being single and exercising the muscles of treating yourself.
Many single women understand that there’s no real substitute for romantic love when your desire is to be in a loving relationship. However, solo dates help you to stay in the practice of hopeful anticipation and set the standard for when you begin to get courted by potential suitors.
It’s not always about overindulgence and buying your way to the contentment of singlehood; but more so about taking the focus away from finding “the one” and creating moments with yourself that remind you that regardless of your relationship status, you are always the number one priority in your life.
So if you're feeling hesitant or unsure about solo dating and where to start, we’ve put together a list of four steps you can take to connect to master your dating needs through masturdating.
1. Start with some personal foreplay.
There’s nothing like getting yourself in the mood and the right headspace to take yourself out on the town. To prepare your mind for your solo date, start by taking a relaxing shower and follow up with your favorite body care and makeup routine. Light a candle. Play your favorite playlist and speak affirmations and compliments to yourself. Tell yourself how beautiful you look in that dress you’re wearing and how you single-handedly beat your soft-glam look to the gods.
The moments you have with yourself before your date are just as important as the date itself, so be your perfect hype woman.
2. Make plans in advance.
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with a spontaneous date night, but if you’re a girl who loves an itinerary or is new to the solo dating world, you’ll want to plan in advance. Setting a date on the calendar for when you want to take yourself out not only gets you excited for the night but sets the standard that if you or any man wants to get the most out of your time, they’ll have to make the time. Set a reservation 24-48 hours in advance. Plan out your itinerary. Know the showtime for the movie you’re headed to. You’ll thank yourself for it later.
3. Be open to something new.
If you’re taking yourself out on a solo date, congratulations! You’re already taking the first step to breaking out of your comfort zone and trying something completely new. The first few times you take yourself out, it will feel awkward and unfamiliar, but you’re getting the experience of dating yourself while gaining the experience of a new restaurant, cooking class, concert, or museum too. And once you’ve gotten over the discomfort and conquered your fears, all those nervous butterflies that come with a first date will be a little easier to manage.
4. Come home and reflect.
What feelings were brought up while you were out? Was the night a success? Did you strike up a conversation with someone at the bar? Journaling is an essential tool to use while solo dating to discover new layers of yourself. When you take the time to reflect on the personal time and dating experience that you had, you’re able to get a visual of what your core values are, what new things you learned about yourself, and even script what the perfect date night would look like when love enters your life.
Not to mention, it gives you the space to show gratitude for your single season because it deserves to be celebrated too.
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