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So…if our feelings tend to lean into being fickle, why would God give us whatever our feelings want at any given time? Sounds pretty…unstable and unreliable if you ask me — and why would God cosign on anything that is like that? Want one more? James 4:3 (NKJV) states, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures” — uh-huh…that one is pretty self-explanatory.
Okay, so why the mini-sermon today? I’m just laying down some groundwork to consider as we dive into something that has been pretty popular as of late: the dating delusion calculator.
If you’re not familiar, it’s an online calculator that you can use to put in some basic things that you want in a mate to see what the probability is of you being linked to an individual who perfectly fits the bill. For instance, say that you desire a Black Christian man who’s between 30 and 40, has a bachelor’s degree, has no kids, is between 5’10” and 6’1”, isn’t obese, and makes around $100,000 annually. According to the calendar, the percentage of men who fit those criteria in the US? You ready (you’re not…LOL): that’s 0.00154% or 2,541 of 164,977,341 American men. Chile…CHILE.
Now, back to the God points, if you do believe in Him, your faith can definitely make great things happen. However, a Scripture that I like a lot is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it” — and the reality is sometimes what we call “standards,” if some hardcore facts and truth aren’t added in, they could lean into becoming semi-serious delusions if we’re all not careful.
Yeah, this isn’t one of those fairy tale kinds of pieces yet, if you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while, you know I’m not big on those anyway. This is more like a dose of reality; if you’re big on that, then keep reading. It could be the reality check that your dating life actually needs.
The Difference Between Standards and Delusion
GiphyI can’t even count how many times I’ve seen a woman on Instagram or TikTok talk about all of these things that she wants in a man, all the while claiming that they are “standards,” when actually, they sound more like unrealistic expectations or delusional thinking. Now, just so this all makes sense, let me define “standard” and “delusion” before expounding further:
Standard: a rule or principle that is used as a basis for judgment; an average or normal requirement, quality, quantity, level, grade, etc.; those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable
Delusion: a false belief or opinion; a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.
So in order to really illustrate my point, let’s go with something on the physical tip first. Words cannot express how much I hear women say that they want a man who is at least 6’ tall, all the while calling it a “standard.” Based on what a standard actually is, how are you able to judge someone’s character or make a moral assessment about them based on their height alone? I mean, isn’t that what y’all try and push down men’s throats when it comes to women and their weight? And the thing is, height can’t be changed and isn’t a potential health risk. Know what else? Reportedly,only 15 percent of men in this country are 6’ or over.
Believe you me, I like a tall glass of chocolate oat milk (LOL) as much as the next woman. I’ll also say that most of the guys I’ve been with, on any level, have “scratched that itch” as far as 6’ and over goes. Know what else I’ll say? Tall in stature absolutely doesn’t mean tall in character, so to call height a standard when it’s really more like a preference is already semi-problematic if you’re looking for a good man. However, where it really gets tricky is if you will push a good person, someone who checks off all of your other boxes, aside simply because they are 5’9” in height. My dear, to move like that is delusional thinking — it is literally a false belief that you should overlook who is right in front of you (a fact) simply because they are a couple of inches shorter than you would like (a preference).
Let’s move beyond the physical. Say that you want a man who makes six figures. First of all, since equality is shouted out on the regular in these media streets, is that what you clear after taxes? What’s your own credit score? How much money do you have up in your savings account? Have you even thought about why 'six figures' matters so much? Could it be because you’ve allowed the media (especially social media) to program you into thinking that it’s the only way a man can be a good provider?
Whatever the reason may be, if you call a six-figure earner your standard when you’re not that yourself, couldn’t it be argued that you are a bit on the delusional side? I mean, because, real talk, the facts are that most men reach their peak earning years in their early 50s (check that outhere andhere), andonly 18 percent of individuals earn more than six figures; not only that, but those who do make that kind of money (unless it’s high six-figures) tend to live paycheck-to-paycheck just like everyone else.Not only that but the reality is Black men in America who are between 40-49 earn $41,600 (on average) while Black men in America between 50-59 earn around $51,000. If you’re going to bring facts and stats into the mix, the truth of the matter is it’s delusional for every woman to think that she’s going to get a six-figure earner and even more delusional to require what she, herself, is not.
If you put both examples (height and earnings) together, a STANDARD says that you want to be with someone who you are attracted to and who will be a consistent provider of the things that you need. DELUSION says, “I’m not even all of the things that I want yet in spite of what reality says, I’m going to ignore people who have 80 percent of what I’m looking for because I want a Prince Charming [who also isn’t real] to fall into my lap.”
Honestly, as triggering as the dating delusion calendar may be for a lot of people, that’s basically what it’s saying: that folks are coming up with a wish list like kids do for Christmas, believing that they can have it all — whether it even really makes a lot of sense or is rooted in reality or not. And then folks have the nerve to think that if they do factor reality into it all, somehow, they are settling. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Settling for less shouldn’t be about shallow things. Settling for less should be about convincing yourself that shallow things matter more than having a solid man who profoundly cares about you and who complements your life. Straight up.
Flexibility: The Key to Handling the Dating Game
GiphySo, what are you saying, Shellie? That I should marry some tiny guy who’s broke because that’s realistic? Listen, if that is what you choose to get out of ALL that I just said, then you are indeed choosing to do that. No, my points are as follows:
Make sure that you know the difference between a standard and a preference. Then make sure that your standards come before your preferences. If you meet an awesome man who adores you and is on the same page as you are as far as the future goes, to give him up for shallow reasons like he’s not 6’3” or making $125,000 a year is a delusional form of thinking. You already know what the stats say about finding that kind of guy (who is single); not only that but what do you expect to be the shelf life of a shallow set of desires? Ask some divorced folks you know who are willing to admit that they didn’t heed this kind of advice where it got them — and what they wish they had done differently.
Don’t demand that others be what you aren’t. Yeah, it’s mighty funny to me how folks will just toss 'six figures' and 'owning a home' out there like it’s nothing — only to find out that they barely make $50,000 and are hustling to pay rent for their apartment in the process. I’m telling you, nothing will humble you and get you out of your own dating delusions like striving to be the kind of person you want to date (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”).
BE. FLEXIBLE. As I’m in the process of penning this third book of mine, it has caused me to take a few walks down memory lane. As I happened upon the Chicago Tribunedeath announcement of my late fiancé (whom I had never seen before this year), it got me to thinking about how much I would’ve missed out on (both while he was here and via the lessons that our relationship continues to teach me almost 30 years later) had I been INFLEXIBLE. Damien was a bit shorter (although still cleared 6’ — LOL), lighter, and a few other “ers” different than I was accustomed to, and sadly, I wasted a lot of our precious time by giving him quite a bit of initial pushback because of it.
Around the last 16 months of his life, I became less rigid and it was a true blessing…a billion times over. You know, it is the popular (and sometimes controversial) life coach Tony Robbins who once said, “Stay committed in your decisions, flexible in your approach” and no greater words have been spoken when it comes to dating.
Flexibility is about being open to 5’9” over 6’ (especially when you’re barely 5’5” yourself). Flexibility is about preferring an ambitious guy over a wealthy one. Flexibility is about dating the introvert to see if he balances out your extroverted qualities (someone needed to hear that). Flexibility is about being mature enough to know that if you can get the most important things from your list in a guy, you can compromise on the rest.
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When I first happened upon what is known asthe dating delusion calculator for the first time, two sentences in the first paragraph are what made me even take it semi-seriously: “Are your romantic expectations in line with reality?” and “Using data from the US Census Bureau and the US CDC, we'll tell you if your expectations are reasonable and give you clarity in your quest for love.”
As I close all of this out, let me just say, for the record, that there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Demanding it without really getting real about it, though — that can end up working against you. Delusional thinking tends to do that. So, whatever it is that you want in a partner, just make sure that you are putting standards above preferences and factoring in reality to the mix. Oh, and that you are flexible in your approach. You’d be amazed where those three dating tweaks will get you — regardless of the 50 things on your list or what a calculator ultimately says. TRUST ME.
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