They say that God works in mysterious ways—both in the face of our greatest losses and biggest wins. And while the road to uncovering the reason and ‘why’ behind such marvels may seem dim, what’s later relieved often lights the path to our purpose. And thus was the case for Brittney Winbush, founder of the breakout candle brand, Alexandra Winbush (AW).
Photo Cred: Mark C. (Mark Clemmons @mark.c)
After experiencing a house fire during college, much of what Brittney called home was unrecoverable. “I was like, why did this happen? Why did it happen in my room? Why was I the only person that lost something?” she tells xoNecole. As the aftermath of the fire brought on waves of anxiety and depression, Brittney began to reestablish a sense of stability back into her life through her sacred self-care trinity: music, tea, and candle making. “Now I have this routine. Now I'm tapped in, open, and happy to talk about my journey with anxiety and depression,” she says. “I found comfort in candles and tea and music, and I was able to build a business out of it.”
What came from the ashes was a brand that’s rooted in self-care and grounded by an ever-growing community that’s found a safe place to land during life’s toughest moments. “I always say that AW is for your bad days,” she shares. “Everybody's bad day isn't a house fire, but it could be a rough day at work, tension in your relationship, or what none of us saw coming: a global pandemic that puts you in the house for a year. I create products for those days.”
Photo Cred: Mark C. (Mark Clemmons @mark.c)
Supplying a product that allows her customers to take a load off, this wellness founder has found her sweet spot. Through her curated playlists, aromatic candle line, and teas, Brittney is proving that peace of mind and ease can be found in the small moments we make for ourselves. “The combination of escaping with scent, sitting down with a cup of tea, and enjoying whatever music I want in that moment, feels like the perfect three,” she says.
And as she embarks on a new chapter in life, having recently celebrated her 30th birthday, Brittney is confident that wherever it leads her, she can always return to the home within.
“I thought at 30, I needed to be somebody else. But now that I'm here, I'm happy with who I am,” she reflects. “I'm leaning into the newness of, ‘hey, I thought I needed to have it all figured out,’ but I don't — and that's actually exciting.”
“I'm excited to figure it out and be on this next part of my journey and see what the next decade brings for me.”
xoNecole: As someone who is in the business of self-care, how has your relationship with self-care evolved since starting your business and what does it look like for you today?
Brittney Winbush: Self-care is ever-changing for me. I always say the biggest form of self-care is listening to yourself. There's no one particular practice, although I do have the things that I always can go back to, on any given day, I might need something different. Some days I need to get on the phone with my mom and talk about whatever or nothing at all, other days I need to close my laptop and only do things that make me happy. I’ll go to yoga or the spa.
The best form was self-care is me being honest and listening to myself when I want to do nothing, ask for help, or be alone to pray. It's listening to those things and doing it.
Photo Cred: Skylar Marshai (@skylarmarshai)
xoN: In the age of social media, entrepreneurship can be so glamorized and highly curated. But what would you say is something that has been a challenge for you to adjust to on your journey, and what have you learned from it?
BW: As a small business in the digital age, really big things happen really fast. You could be having slow sales one day, and then the very next day, Issa Rae can post about your business and you can have the most amount of orders that you've ever had. Because you're a small business, and it's so insular, the moment eventually goes.
So take time to revel in those things that happen, because when other things come in, it'll just be a moment that passes. It's okay to sit in those moments and take them in because when you let them pass you might not be thinking about the lessons or the celebration part—but take in every moment, big and small.
“It's okay to sit in those moments and take them in because when you let them pass you might not be thinking about the lessons or the celebration part—but take in every moment, big and small.”
I’m literally in church talking to God asking Him to guide me in my business, take lead & just give me a push because I’ve been feeling off lately. I grab my phone to take notes from the sermon & see this notification from ISSA FREAKING RAE. pic.twitter.com/C9cC43rl5q
— Brittney 🕯 (@voguebritt) August 18, 2019
xoN: Speaking of Issa Rae, back in 2019, you got a major shoutout from her highlighting your "September Sixth" candle. What did your now-viral moment teach you about the power of preparation?
BW: I think sometimes with a business, especially a small, Black business, and with the lack of capital that Black businesses have in the playing field, that we start at such a different place than a lot of other businesses. There's only so much you can prep for sometimes. There are certain things you don't know until it happens.
The best thing you can do is be prepared for flexibility. I feel like I held on to the moment as best as I could and got the orders out. But oh my gosh, that was like a hell of a time. I felt bad for my roommates, they couldn't walk through our apartment because orders were everywhere. I was shipping further than I ever had before. Candles are breaking in transit. Those are things I couldn't prepare for because you don’t know until you know. The most I could do was be prepared to be flexible, be prepared to learn, and then be prepared to be transparent along the journey.
Photo Cred: Mark C. (Mark Clemmons @mark.c)
xoN: You have such a solid, supportive group of friends in your circle. As a creative, how has your community played a role in the growth and trajectory of your business?
BW: Oh my gosh, it's everything. AW is nothing without our community. A part of that is my really close friend circle and the way that they've supported and helped me with this business every step of the way. From the very beginning, AW has been community-driven, and I think that stemmed from my own personal brand and community that I had before I launched AW. There was a community of people that already trusted me because before I had products I still talked about the house fire, my anxiety and depression, and things I was doing for myself—so they already trusted me.
Once we built AW, the community grew with people that were open to sharing bad days and good products.
xoN: One of the things I admire about your brand is that the aesthetic and design all feel like an extension of who you already are as a person. What tips do you have for aspiring entrepreneurs who are looking to create a product or service that fits their passions and lifestyle?
BW: If what you're trying to do is a medium of self-expression and a part of the passion you have, then you have the biggest tool already there. Start with what you have. It's okay to put in the groundwork silently. It's okay if you even do it loudly, but no one's paying attention. But just start with the little things in whatever you have. And if you're building something out of love and passion and a reflection of you, it's going to attract the right people. You just have to put yourself out there and lean into your resources and your people.
"If you're building something out of love and passion and a reflection of you, it's going to attract the right people. You just have to put yourself out there and lean into your resources and your people."
There’s this Issa Rae quote where she talks about how sometimes people are trying to network up but you need to network laterally. There are people right next to you who are doing amazing things and are killing in their industry. Link up and create.
xoN: Overall, I think we’re all pretty excited about what’s to come from your brand. What can your supporters expect from Alexandra Winbush this year?
BW: You can expect to see us a lot more in public. We'll be celebrating our five-year anniversary in April, which I'm really excited about. We also have a brand new candle coming out in February. It's called “Plum Wine.” It's incredible. I'm obsessed with it. So expect new products throughout the year that we'll be putting out and we’ll have some in-person events so we can get back around each other and love on each other as a community.
For more of Brittney, follow her on Instagram @voguebritt. Shop Alexandra Winbush here.
Featured image by Mark C. (Mark Clemmons @mark.c)
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by madopile/Getty Images