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How An Interplay Session Pushed Me To Trust Myself Again
I wholeheartedly believe in the "move in silence" philosophy. I'm stealth like a jaguar, silently entering and exiting rooms without being seen or heard unless someone turns around and catches me in the act. It's mainly because I don't want the scrutiny, inquiry, and critique. This also means that I won't generally do anything that would cause anyone to direct their attention to me. So for the life of me I don't know what convinced me to participate in interplay last weekend.
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Now before you go pick up your phone and ask, "Siri, what is interplay", I'll tell you what it is not. It isn't a new-age take on foreplay. It's actually an introspective, therapeutic-type practice that incorporates moving, storytelling, and voice inflecting. It also has many health benefits including decreasing stress, lowering anxiety, building and improving relationships, and boosting self-awareness and confidence.
Ironically, I walked into the building with my cousin feeling hella stressed and anxious because I didn't quite know what to expect.
The best way I can describe an interplay workshop is that it's improv-ish.
When we entered the classroom, the eight punctual students were paired up in the midst of a "babbling" exercise in which they talked about absolutely everything and yet nothing at the same time. The object was for the person to freely express herself while the other person remained fully present and listened without making a single interruption. Then they switched roles.
The subsequent tasks, which seemed pretty simple, included activities like concocting a convincing story based on a made-up word and telling another story in a child-like voice. Every task lasted 30 seconds, but some felt much longer than others. My only concern at that point was my ability to fictionalize something so elaborate with such ease. I mean, was I an undercover liar? But before I could ponder a rational response to that question, I realized we were only in the warm-up phase and the interplay leader was truly about to test my comfort zone and stretch the limits of my vulnerability.
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She told us to think of something boring and then sing about it in an operatic voice. And if that wasn't horrifying enough, she divided us into two groups so that half of us could observe the other half!
Say what?
My group was given the word "light". Then, our interplay leader played music for us to dance to while we created a three-sentence story and delivered it to the other group.
Singing?
And dancing?
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I frantically looked at the clock. It was only 3:20 p.m. Only 20 measly minutes had gone by and class wasn't scheduled to end until 4.
I glanced at my cousin and gave her the it-is-time-to-go-NOW eye.
She grinned back at me.
The music began.
The five-year-old me would have thrown a tantrum and cried. I didn't sign up to feel humiliated and exposed. I didn't want to be a songstress, an actress, or a ballerina. I wanted to be an observer. A wallflower. The person who had to see what something was like first or how someone else did it before she decided that she wanted to join in, too.
The 45-year-old me wanted to flee.
I tried to come up with a step routine disguised as an escape plan, one where I'd actually glide across the room, down the hallway, and out the front door. Too bad I was a passenger and didn't drive there. So in that moment, I vowed I would never return. But I thought about that decision. I didn't want to be that student.
I didn't want to be the one who didn't apply herself.
I didn't want to be the person who ran away the instant a situation grew unfamiliar or uncomfortable because that doesn't work in either our personal or professional lives.
And I didn't want to be a quitter.
I made the choice to dig deep and I uncovered my soprano, baritone, and bass to describe the boring peach curtains with the autumn leaves that complemented the hideous peach walls. I two-stepped and swayed my way back to the time when I lived in a studio apartment in Boston and the only time it saw sunlight was for an hour shortly after sunrise. It always seemed extraordinarily bright.
"There's no such thing as too much or too little light," I began.
My "audience" was in awe at the impromptu stories I told throughout the activities, and something inside me clicked.
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GoodTherapy, an online mental health resource, defines interplay as "a practice based on the premise that play helps people unlock parts of themselves they have psychologically buried over time." For the last few years, I've been trying to live up to everyone else's standards and expectations of me. I've been playing it safe because I'm so afraid of further fucking my life up and disappointing all the Iyanlas who think they have all the solutions to fix my life.
I've also developed the tendency to overthink and create crises that aren't even there or conversations that may not even take place. But when I think about the choices I want to make because they feel right to me, I instinctively feel compelled to defend my choices like a dissertation because I already know they don't mesh with what everyone else thinks I should do.
I used to be a bit more spontaneous. I was a risk-taker, an independent, unconventional thinker, and a big dreamer. I moved differently. I do not flourish when I play it small. I grow stagnant, oftentimes feeling like I'm suffocating or regressing rather than progressing as I simply go through the daily motions.
Interplay forced me out of my head and discomfort zone. It empowered me and pushed me forward. It reminded me that my intuition is my God-given compass, not the guidance of someone who's traveling down a path I'm not even meant to go.
Interplay even reignited my creativity. Last week alone I've written seven articles in five days! On the surface that may sound insignificant, but I haven't even written seven pieces within a whole year in a very long time.
I refuse to keep suppressing who I am and dismissing what I really want to do. And I don't have to explain it or do it based on approval and consensus. I still won't be that person to announce her every move but if anyone catches me making these moves, I won't downplay them or shrink and hide. I'll just stand a little bit taller and let people witness this glow up.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
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“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
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Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
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It’s funny how a breakup can be the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to you. It has the power to completely change your life, whether it knocks you down or empowers you to evolve. Either way, whatever happens next is up to you. That can feel like a lot of pressure when you don’t even want to get out of bed. But sometimes, all it takes is a moment of encouragement, inspiration, and motivation that you’re not crazy for wanting to send that drunk text or stalk your ex on social media.
But in those heartbreaking moments, you can tap into your inner resilience and strength, knowing that there’s a reason the relationship came to an end. Whatever that is, please trust that whatever is meant for you will be so much better, including the you that comes out on the other side.
This is the perfect time to heal, rediscover you, and open yourself up to love again. Here are 12 books to help you do that and more.
Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force
Whether you were the initiator or the receiver of a breakup, the end of a relationship can be traumatic. But it can also help you find the confidence you might have lost in the aftermath. Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force reminds you that your true self is worth loving and pulls you out of the status quo that you might have fallen into in your relationship. It lets you know that it’s more than okay to clap for yourself and the growth you’ve accomplished while unleashing your boldness. Tap in!
Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away
Amazon
Nobody wins when the relationship ends. But if we’re honest, many of us want the other person to at least regret the parting of ways. Like, did we matter at all? Natasha Adamo’s Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away talks us off the ledge of trying to prove that we have the upper hand (and quoting Beyoncè’s “She ain’t no divaaa” under anyone’s post that your ex appears to be moving on with).
Instead, Adamo motivates us to focus on our own journey after the breakup because it will be tough enough without being preoccupied with what our exes are doing. You have a whole life after this, and your best days are ahead of you, not behind. You truly win when you decide to walk away from whatever negativity came with the breakup and focus on you. ‘Cause we’re not looking back, sis.
Emotional Self-Care for Black Women
Amazon
One of the best things you can do in this moment is be selfish and think about you. If self-care is a priority in your healing journey, think about diving intoEmotional Self-Care for Black Womenby Alicia Magoro. It takes you through the process of improving your self-esteem, getting rid of negative thoughts, and truly healing from past traumas, each of which is crucial after a breakup. No matter how crazy life is as you try to put the pieces back together, taking moments to truly uncover the reality of your feelings and emotions is essential to your healing.
Break Up With What Broke You
Amazon
I feel like a key step in getting through a heartbreak is cookie dough ice cream, any Shonda Rhimes show, and a box of tissues. But unfortunately *sigh* that can’t last forever. When it’s time to push through, Break Up With What Broke You by Christian Bevere is waiting for you. When you’re ready to overcome the comfort of who you’ve always been, this book helps you evolve into who you’ve been meant to be all along. If you need a book that provides steps with compassion and grace instead of a no-nonsense approach, this is for you (cause who’s trying to get their feelings hurt?)
How To Get Over A Boy
Amazon
‘Cause that’s all we’re trying to do, right? I love the theory of How To Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue because it reminds us that men, or any partner we have, do not belong on a pedestal. As amazing as they may be, you’re just as dope! Eggerue isn’t having you tap into your inner fineness to help you find a man or get a text back with outdated tactics. No, sis. This book is all about reminding you that you are the true prize, and there’s nothing wrong with carrying yourself as such. Yes, wanting to be in a relationship again is natural and inevitable. But for now, it’s also okay to find satisfaction with yourself.
Didn’t See That Coming: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart
Amazon
All of the signs may have been there, but a breakup can still be shocking. We’ve tried to see the best in our now-ex, and it may have left us holding the bag. Any breakup can be devastating, but if you’re trying to get through a traumatic one, add Didn’t See That Coming by Rachel Hollis to your list. The title alone is funny because it’s ironic and true. And in all seriousness, it pulls you out of being stuck in your pain and trauma and encourages you to be a better you when all is said and done. Your breakup doesn’t have to be detrimental to your life. It can be a turning point to help you transition into the woman you never thought you could.
I Almost Forgot About You
Amazon
Isn’t it crazy how after a breakup, almost everything reminds you of that person? From a song that’s shuffled into your playlist and inside jokes to a hilarious viral video on social media, it feels like you can’t escape. Thankfully, our good sis Terry McMillan did her good work with her novel I Almost Forgot About You. No, it’s not a non-fiction book that gives you ways to get through your heartbreak, but it tells the story of a woman named Dr. Georgia Young, who’s going through a transformation of her own to find her inner shero after quitting her job and relocating. The relatable ups and downs she experiences as she bravely takes on unexpected risks can inspire and let you escape for a while.
Sis, Don’t Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart
Amazon
Following our hearts is all fun and games until it leaves us in an agonizing situation. Sis, Don’t Settle by Faith Jenkins gives us a much-needed reminder not to give in to the desire to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone. Whether your ex checked every box on your list or you compromised because you saw potential in what it could be (we’ve all been there, love), let’s decide to not let our hearts or emotions cause us to settle for less. I love this book because it drops the fluff and gives relatable ways to be smart about love, have healthy and loving relationships, and not rush the process.
The Art of Letting Go
Amazon
I read a meme that said, “If overthinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist.” And I felt seen. After a breakup, it’s so easy to replay those final moments in your head over and over again, especially if you were blindsided. The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm) by Nick Trenton walks you through doing exactly that.
No matter what happened, the brutal reality is we can’t do anything to change it, and mentally running it on a loop does more harm than good, sis. This book lets your mind be a safe place full of peace and tranquility instead of a battle zone. It inspires you to embrace the present without yearning for the past or being afraid of the future.
The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
Amazon
Like many books on this list, The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce empowers you to channel your inner power, rediscover your worth, and flourish like you’ve always wanted. If you’re like me, you might not know where to start after a major (and possibly unexpected) life transition. How do you even begin to move on without sitting in the aftermath for too long?
This book, penned by Rachen A. Sussman, serves as a guide for you to truly heal from the devastation one step at a time. Because it’s okay to take things slow. It features three phases of recovery — healing, understanding, and transformation — providing a clear road map to not just surviving a breakup, but coming out whole on the other side.
I love this version of myself that you brought out: a memoir of a broken heart
Amazon
Can we just take a second to salute the power of a breakup? Whether it sparks your international solo eat, pray, love journey or makes you truly consider what you want in life for you, as horrible as it can be, good things can come out of the parting of ways. I love this version of myself that you brought outby Jaymen Chang gets real about the good, bad, and the ugly, from wishing you could unsend that vulnerable text message, to waking up one day feeling different and ready to move on. Pick this one up when you’re ready to cry it out, process, and enter your season of becoming.
When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal
Amazon
When the dust settles, how are you for real? You may be excited about the idea of using your breakup as an excuse to glow up, or you may be heartbroken and just aren’t in the space to think beyond turning on Mary J. Blige and drinking wine in a bathrobe. And that’s okay. When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest encourages you to embrace the true work of your healing journey. It can be soul-crushing, yet rewarding. With dozens of essays geared toward your process, this book realizes that it doesn’t take one day or one thing to heal.
It’s an ongoing life moment as you recover from the person (or people) who just wasn’t the best for you. As you find yourself again and welcome the things and people who truly love you, you’ll flourish even through the pain.
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