As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer. If you have a story you'd like to share but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
This is Brittany Autry's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
The Introduction
Have you ever met someone and said to yourself, "yep, that is absolutely going to happen"? Well, that was my first impression of my ex. For the sake of the story, let's name him Uncommitted Chad.
Uncommitted Chad and I worked together, which made it incredibly easy to get to know one another in a short period of time. We didn't tell a single soul at our job and actually, lowkey didn't even engage with each other while at work.
Red flag.
He was fine, charming, spontaneous, and on top of that, he loved the Lord. We bonded over being from the south, our love of music, and our desire to change the community. I was smitten with everything about him. We dated for about a year without an official title. Throughout that first year, everything was great. We made each other dinner, we toured the city. We even had an incredible sex life. Everything was fairy tale perfect.
It wasn't until we celebrated my birthday at dinner with my closest friends that I started to notice that something was off. He didn't express interest in getting to know them and he rudely made assumptions about who they were. I decided to stop bringing him around my friends and individualized our time.
As time went on, I wanted more clarity on our situation, but he made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship until he reached a certain income level. I thought it was ridiculous, but I also rocked with his ambition, so I reluctantly stayed. Around a year or so of dating, we stopped seeing each other. He wasn't making any moves towards us being together. He wasn't happy, but he didn't try to stop me either. So, I ended it.
Strike Two
I didn't hear from Uncommitted Chad for months until one day, out of the blue, he called to ask me to lunch. He'd since decided to move back south to start a new business venture and support his family. It seemed like he was in a more positive place, so we slowly started to date again. This time, he expressed an interest in a real relationship and asked me to meet his mother. I was thrown off, but secretly ecstatic that we had come this far.
I bought a bus ticket, to make an eight-hour trip to visit him. On the day of my trip, I grabbed dinner with friends and I planned to Uber to the station directly afterward. Just as we were finishing up, he called and said he wasn't comfortable with me coming anymore. He didn't feel like it was the right time.
He. Didn't. Feel. Like. It. Was. The. Right. Time.
I was embarrassed, pissed, and genuinely hurt. I could not understand how in the hell he could decide an hour before my departure to tell me this. And most importantly, I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to give this man another chance, only for him to show me yet another example of his inability to be in a relationship. How is it possible to be so wrong about someone?
I gave myself three days to be sad and then I decided to pick myself up and move forward. I blocked him from contacting me and didn't talk to him for six months.
The Breakthrough
Here's our pattern: every time I got away, he made small progress, and we would try it again. I don't know what type of spell he had over me, but he was a master at reeling me back in. He had moved to the south permanently, purchased a house, and invited me to visit for Valentine's Day. He even purchased my flight this time—which for my ladies who have been involved with an Uncommitted Chad, you are familiar with this mind game. I had decided that people mess up all the time and given that I'm a therapist by trade, who am I to believe people can't change?
So, I went.
The first day was great. We played games, had dinner and made breakfast together the next morning. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment that things shifted, but he told me that he was considering a position in two different places, neither of them being where I live. He discussed his business prospects, salary negotiations and even renting out his home, but he never included me in the conversation. As I listened and robotically gave feedback, I knew this would be the last time we gave this foolishness a shot. He was making future plans for himself. There was no "us" in the equation and if I stayed, I would just be hoping he would one day choose me. I got on my flight the next morning and never looked back. And I haven't spoken to him since.
Self-Therapy & Taking Control
When I returned home, I made a playlist of sad songs and began journaling as a means of coping. It sounds a little crazy, but I am huge on processing, so both allowed me to be sad, mad, frustrated, grateful and ultimately relieved. But I also knew I needed to process the end of the relationship in a real way; I needed a break. I remembered watching Eat, Pray, Love and thought it would be cool to have a similar experience. One night, I got an alert for a roundtrip flight deal to Bali for $650. I bought the flight and started planning my solo trip right away.
When I arrived, I sat in silence. I hated it. But I made myself sit in the discomfort and be present with my thoughts. I sought after activities for healing, so I spent intentional time with myself. I went to a coffee farm and tried different Indonesian blends. I rode elephants. I went to temples and prayed for myself and my family. I treated myself to fancy dinners where I sat at an actual table alone and ate food while I people-watched. I went to the beach to watch the sunset. I took yoga classes. I read by the pool. I wrote about my life thus far and the future life I wanted. I created commitments for myself. I also made a list of desires as well as non-negotiables for my next companionship.
Being with myself was so necessary. I knew I was leaving with something I absolutely did not arrive with.
The Birth of Wellness Retreats
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After returning home, I began thinking of the sheer inner peace I felt being away. I thought about how I made the trip happen for very little, and the ways in which the trip helped me heal. A retreat seemed like the next logical option. I began doing some research and focus groups with my girls, and the Cent(her)ed Collective was born.
As I was setting goals for what I wanted to accomplish when back, I realized that I wanted to recreate my experience for other Black women. Given the stress that we deal with on a day-to-day basis and the various life events that impact us, we need more opportunities to be vulnerable, present and focus on ourselves. Mental healthcare is quite expensive if you don't have great insurance and I want to be a change in that.
Manicures and brunches are great, but they won't sustain us long-term. We must make our mental wellness hygienic and that requires daily practice, even if for just a few minutes.
I know for sure that my cultural impact is about creating healing spaces for my people. I want to ensure that I do my part to create access to quality mental health practices and resources for my generation and those who follow. Ultimately, I want to make sure that I relentlessly pursue ending the mental health gap for black women and girls.
So, ladies, let’s make it a priority to heal—whether it’s from a bad experience, a traumatizing job, or an Uncommitted Chad.
Brittany's next retreat will be held in Houston, TX from March 5th-March 8th, 2020. You may email Brittany for more information or visit her website.
Featured image by Brittany Autry.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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