6 Signs You're A Relationship Self-Sabotager
There's a guy I know who's the walking definition of intimacy issues. It's not just my personal opinion either. He knows it and readily admits it. No matter how many good women he meets or even dates, he seems to find some sort of way to ruin the dynamic, whether it's platonic or romantic.
If I were to put on my relationship coach hat, I'd say that his past childhood abuse (including sexual abuse) has a lot to do with it. Plus, I think a lot of us, as women, tend to underestimate what a man's first heartbreak is really like for them. Unlike many of us who are resilient when it comes to finding love after loss, many men may experience a first love and a spouse with maybe someone in between. This means three love relationships tops. So, if they don't properly heal from their break-up(s), that too can keep them at bay when it comes to…trying again. Ultimately, they are so scared of being hurt and/or fully trusting someone and/or giving their all that they would rather sabotage—meaning, deliberately destroy—the good that's happening than take a chance that it could all work out for their good.
The good thing about the man I'm referring to is at least he knows he's got an issue. If you're not sure—or you know someone who fits the bill but seems to be in complete and total denial about it—here are some pretty telling signs that "he" is not alone in the relationship sabotaging department. That you—or that someone you know—is right there along with him.
1.You Make Mountains Out of Molehills
Don't sweat the small stuff. It's a simple sentence that is packed full of wisdom. Unfortunately, relationship sabotagers always seem to miss the memo, though. Basically, unless their significant other is perfect—and that's according to the oftentimes totally unrealistic expectations they've set for them—a sabotager is going to constantly critique and nitpick until they pick their relationship totally apart.
To them, they're simply not settling for less but what's really going on is they aren't happy. As a result, they expect others to fill that void. When they are disappointed, they make small things big issues. Plus, since relationship sabotagers suck at forgiveness, it's like watching a few snowballs eventually turn into an avalanche. Or a molehill turn into a mountain.
2.You Look for Problems That Aren’t There
Typically, people who create problems where there really aren't any have some deep-rooted trust issues. It could stem from their childhood (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries with Toxic Family Members") or a previous relationship that went badly. As a result, whether the sabotager realizes it or not, they are borderline paranoid. Basically, they look for signs that their current partner isn't who they say that they are or that the relationship isn't on the up and up.
They decide someone has betrayed them when there are no receipts; not a single one. There is no such thing as human mistakes; everything is a huge character flaw. If their partner is late, they're hiding something. If they hang up the phone when they walk in the room, they're sneaking around.
For a relationship sabotager, they don't know how to relax. They seemingly aren't "happy" unless they are manufacturing some sort of problem—or bracing themselves for one.
3.You Are All Problems and No Solutions
If there's one thing that irks me about social media (and trust me, there's plenty), it's that there's a lot of time devoted to complaining about stuff but not nearly as much energy devoted to coming up with solutions for the complaints. Instead of (more) people taking advantage of the enormous think tanks that are at their disposal, they'd rather bitch and moan. Problems? Oh, they've got time for those. Solutions? Now it's "crickets" in the atmosphere.
The same thing applies to relationship sabotagers. They'll tell their significant other something like, "I just don't feel appreciated in this relationship" or "Something feels 'off' between us" but when their partner asks them to expound or provide suggestions or recommendations to make things better, all the sabotager offers is a Kanye shrug or a blank stare.
People who are all problems and no solutions start off being draining and end up becoming toxic. Healthy individuals want nothing to do with toxic people. Period.
4.You’re a Walking Pressure Cooker
There's someone I used to be fairly close to that I had to end things with. As funny and bright as they were, they were also pop-offs—the kind of pop-offs where you never really knew when their storms were coming. Anything from a phone call to a tweet to something they heard at work could take them from 1-1,000 in under 30 seconds and, unless you were on their side, you ended up catching the heat too.
You know what another term for pop-off is? Emotionally unstable creatures. Although having a pretty bad temper is one sign of being emotionally unstable, so are moody individuals, folks who refuse to admit when they are wrong, people who have a sense of entitlement, commitment-phobes, folks who expect you to read their minds and meet their needs no matter how unrealistic they are and also individuals who refuse to look at things from other perspectives and points of view.
If you are this kind of person, just ask anyone who is close to you and they will tell you that dealing with you is a lot like being in the presence of a pressure cooker. No one wants to feel pressured all of the time. It's just one more way to completely sabotage your relationship.
5.You’re Constantly Wanting Him to “Prove” His Love
Speaking of pressure. Ugh. I'll personally raise my hand in this class and say that when you get to a point in your personal growth and development where you love yourself, you're not spending a lot of time conjuring up ways for someone else to "prove" their love to you. In the beginning of a relationship, you look for signs that someone's character is on the up and up but still, they don't have to really prove anything; they're either a good person or…they're not.
To me, the more productive approach is giving someone the space and time to express their love instead. In order for a man to do that, first you have to be lovable (some women make it hard to be loved because of all of the other stuff that we just discussed) and second, you have to allow things to evolve into love.
This brings me back full circle into why someone having to prove their love is a form of relationship sabotage. People need to prove themselves in order to establish the genuineness and validity of something. If the guy you are seeing knows that's what you are constantly looking for, not only does that basically mean that you don't trust him very much, but it also tends to feel like everything is a test. No one wants to be tested all of the time.
Be careful. If tests are what you're all about, you could be the one who ends up failing—miserably so—in the relationship department.
6.You Think All Men Are the Same
I believe that it's a man by the name of Larry Dixon who once said, "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." Agreed. And since all of us are unique with our own individual purposes to fulfill in this life, no two men are just the same.
Unfortunately, I hear more than a handful or two of women who speak to the contrary of this. One guy dogged them out and so their resolve is that all men will. One guy broke their heart, so they keep a wall up because they think that's every man's mission.
If you're the kind of person who goes into relationships with the mindset that every person is just alike, therefore, you're gonna treat them that way…not only are you being extremely unfair but you're setting your relationship up to fail no matter how awesome he is. How? Because you're probably gonna treat each guy like they're the same and, not only is that putting too much pressure on them, but, if they have a good sense of self, it will become offensive as well. Who wants to be in a relationship with an offender—of any sort?!
A wise man once said that if there's one thing all of your exes have in common, it's you. If you notice any of these patterns in your relationship, while it might be hard to accept, there's a huge chance that things keep not working out, not because of "them" but because you have a real knack for sabotaging things.
Which is it, sis?
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Chances Are You're Not "Damaged", Just Broken
5 Ways Your Pride Is Damaging Your Relationships
My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'
5 Ways To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself
- Signs You're Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship ›
- Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships? 9 Signs ›
- Signs of a Toxic Relationship That You Might be Causing | Reader's ... ›
- Self-sabotage in relationships | Signs you're preventing yourself ... ›
- six warning signs you are sabotaging your own relationship ›
- 10 Ways You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship | HuffPost Life ›
- 4 Subtle Signs You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship ›
- 12 Ways You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship | Psychology ... ›
- 10 Signs You're Unconsciously Sabotaging Your Relationship ›
- 40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Often imitated, never duplicated, The Midwest ItGirls hold a refreshingly raw essence, style, and cultural identity. These ItGirls are the living, breathing definition of rolling up your sleeves and chasing dreams. Trust us when we say, these Midwest ItGirls don’t just talk the talk, they walk it, holding fast to their values in everything they get their hands on.
Read about five of our ItGirls here, but be sure to check out the full ItGirl 100 List.
BREE SPECIFIC
Courtesy
Bree Specific is a media personality and entrepreneur. She gained recognition for her work in hosting events, moderating panels, and covering festivals. Off-air, Bree coordinates Music Relations for Whats The Word Media and serves as a Tech Producer at WVON 1690 AM.
Chelsey Carter Sanders
Courtesy
Chelsey Carter-Sanders is the founder and CEO of the Alex Carter brand, which focuses on creating everyday attire for extraordinary individuals. The brand is known for combining simplicity with an edge, appealing to those who are willing to take risks.
Jean Deaux
Courtesy
Jean Deaux's music spans R&B, rap, pop, house, and indie as she creates from the unique lens of a Black queer artist. Often described as a multi-hyphenate and 'modern renaissance woman,' she is a creative director, filmmaker, and songwriter.
Mari Copeny
Courtesy
Mari Copeny, also known as Little Miss Flint, is a youth activist who gained recognition for raising awareness about the Flint water crisis and her fundraising initiatives to support underprivileged children in her community and across the country.
Sky Jetta
Courtesy
Sky Jetta has worked with the likes of Rico Nasty, Charli XCX, Baby Tate, and Saweetie. Known for her unique fashion sense, she has been featured in global campaigns Nike x Serena Williams, Burberry x SSENSE, and Jordan Jumpman23. Jetta was also the featured opener for singer Neyo, DJ’d for luxury brands Balmain and Gucci, and just completed a tour as direct support for Zack Fox.