6 Signs A New "Friend" Is Nothing But An Opportunist
Oh, the amount of "What the heck was that?!" I could've been spared if I had read an article like this, oh, I'd say about 15 years ago. I'm telling you, the older I get, the more cautious I am about using the word "friend", no matter how popular social media has made it. It can't be said enough that just because you and someone may vibe or have certain things in common, that doesn't automatically make them your friend.
Acquaintance? Sure. Cool associate? Possibly. But the amount of effort, commitment and consistency that goes into cultivating a friendship? It's kind of like the difference between a great first date and your husband—there's a lot of work that's required to get from one point to another.
An opportunist? They are banking that you don't have enough insight or boundaries (more on that in a bit) to know what true friendship looks like and/or requires. They think that so long as they turn on the charm and compliments, you'll let down your guard and welcome them into all areas of your life—resources and connections included. If they have to act like your new BFF in order to make it happen, so be it. So long as they get what they need from you, that's all that really matters.
Scary, huh? And just how can you know if someone who has recently come into your world is an opportunist (wolf) in friend's (sheep's) clothing?
6 Signs Your New Friend Is Actually An Opportunist
1.From Day One, They Are Oozing with Flattery
GiphyThere's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "He who speaks flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children will fail." (Job 17:5—NKJV) That's how little even the Word thinks of flattery—and flatterers. I get why too because while on the surface, a flatterer's compliments may sound good, they usually come with an ulterior motive intact. People who flatter others are not doing it purely for affirmation's sake. Matter of fact, many times, they don't even really believe that they're saying. They're just telling you that you're attractive, brilliant or impressive so that they can fuel your ego, disarm your discernment and ultimately take advantage of you.
An example of flattery that comes to mind is a man you just meet who is dripping with comments about how good you look. Then when you don't return his advances, he says something insulting. Flatterers of all forms are a lot like this. If they can manipulate you into getting whatever it is that they want, there are plenty of affirmations coming your way. If you're not goin' for it, the same mouth they used to "praise" you will be the same one they use to tear you down and gossip about you with.
2.They Wouldn’t Know a Boundary If It Hit Them in the Face
GiphySomething that gets on my nerves about opportunists is they are pushy as all get out. They'll find out you know someone they would be interested in meeting or that you've got access to an opportunity that they want to be a part of and either they keep dropping hints about it or they won't let up on asking you if you can "hook them up", almost as if, just because you are cool with them, they are entitled and you automatically should.
Pushy people like this are not go-getters; they are aggressive and disrespectful of your boundaries. Hmph. Come to think of it, one way to really tell the difference between a friend and an opportunist is a friend is all about honoring your boundaries while an opportunist barely even acknowledges that you have any. I'll take it up a notch—opportunists so don't care about your limits that when you express them, on any level, they try and make you feel guilty or like you're the bad guy for doing so.
3.They’re Constantly Asking for Things While Offering Nothing
On the heels of the point I just made, while we shouldn't keep tabs on what people do for us, when it comes to our real friends, we don't have to. That's because the give-and-take cycle is so consistent that it's hard to even keep up. But an opportunist? If you feel like a person in your life is draining you and is always on the receiving end, that's because that's probably exactly what is going on.
There is someone who used to be in my life who, when I sat and thought about how much money I had spent on them over the course of knowing them, it was well into the thousands. Over that same period of time, I got a box of lip gloss that they lost and a ring that cost five dollars. Hey, I was codependent back then, so I'll own some of that. But I also have to admit that while we had some good times, when I think of all of the ways they benefitted from my resources—both personally as well as professionally—I also know, for a fact, that they were a total opportunist.
4.Both Online and Off, They Are Trying to Infiltrate Your Circle
Back to the flattery thing, I know they (whoever "they" are) say that imitation is the highest form of flattery but all it does is irritate me. I want you to do you while I stand over here and do me. That's why I don't find it complementary that when someone gets in good with me, they suddenly feel like they should buddy up with the people in my life.
There's one chick I know that I had to release for this very reason. The moment she found out I was friends or even close acquaintances with someone that she thought could benefit her, she would try and befriend them, send them DM's with questions (including questions about me) or, if we happened to be out together and we saw someone that I knew, she would try and find a way to get their contact info. It got to the point where some people were even asking me, "Yo, what's up with your girl?"
That's the thing about opportunists. It's not good enough that they drain your resources; they want to tap out all of the ones attached to the people you know as well.
5.You Feel Like They Are “Forcing” the Friendship
You don't have to take my advice, but don't say I didn't warn you. Watch out for the person who declares after one conversation that the two of you are going to be really good friends. While the initial sentiment might sound sweet 'n all, my best friendships happened organically and definitely without any kind of agenda—spoken or unspoken.
Agenda. That's a great word to describe what an opportunist is typically up to. The fact that getting close to you is a mission rather than something that naturally happens is another sign that you should probably keep your guard up, if not totally keep your distance.
6.Something Feels “Off” About It All
If there's a silver lining about an opportunist, it's that they are definitely ambitious. But when you're trying to cultivate a true, meaningful and lasting friendship with someone, you don't always want to be around that kind of energy. You don't always want to talk about networking, resources you have available or what you can do to get someone to the next level. An opportunist is just the opposite when it comes to this way of thinking because, chances are, the main reason why they want to get close to you at all is because of what they think you can do for them. Take it a step further, the main reason why they think you should be in their life is to help get them to where they want to go.
Most of my friends, they are highly accomplished in their own right; they really are. But whenever we get together, most of what we talk about has absolutely nothing to do with work. Matter of fact, it's like watching a rerun of Seinfeld or The Office because although we're entertaining to one another, we're not really discussing much of anything consequential. We're just loving being in each other's space.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Keeping what I just said in mind, if a new person in your life seems OK, but you always feel like you are "on the clock" with them or "peace" and "chill" are not two words that you are ever able to associate with them and, if the more you read this article, something definitely feels a little off, don't doubt your spidey sense. It doesn't feel right because it probably isn't right.
Not to say that an opportunist has to be totally kicked to the curb. All I'm saying is 1) do some serious pondering and evaluating before classifying them as a "friend" and 2) be alright with possibly placing them into the "work associate" or "acquaintance" category only. Either way, create some boundaries so that they are not the only ones getting something out of the relationship.
What this all boils down to is I'm not saying that opportunists are the devil; with the right approach and clarity, they can be beneficial at times. I'm just saying that when it comes to your friendships, if there's a word that should never been synonymous with that kind of situation, it's "opportunist".
Please don't learn this the hard way.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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According To This Power Couple, Real Estate Remains The Best Way To Build Wealth
Money Talks is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they get it.
Douglas and Dr. Atiya “Blondie” Parson are a celebrity realtor power couple with a notable client list that features some of the industry’s biggest heavy hitters, such as rapper T.I., restaurant entrepreneur Pinky Cole, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta reality star Sierra Gates, and more. The couple has made as much as $200,000 from one sale as real estate agents and consistently make over six figures by flipping homes. While their success is groundbreaking, their thought process is pretty standard. They believe real estate breeds wealth, budgeting is essential, and you should keep your goals major and top of mind.
Now, the duo have made it their mission to share their knowledge. Through "We Nailed It! The Blueprint for Real Estate and Relationships, available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold, and their YouTube channel, they’re determined to share their learnings with the culture. “The richest person is always going to invest in real estate, but you don’t have to be rich to invest in real estate,” says Doug. Check out our transparent convo below.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Blondie: Well, I’m one of six kids from Indianapolis, Indiana. I went to a private school, but I still grew up below-middle class. Actually, my mom cleaned up after hours to help cover my tuition – so I knew the importance of education early. Later, I went to an HBCU in Ohio, and it just so happened my mom moved to the Virgin Islands right after my senior year of high school. So I decided to get an apartment, but it was too much, and I had to go home. Around that time is when I met Doug; we dated for like a year before things occurred that caused him to do a lifestyle change, and he moved to Kentucky. I ended up following him there, getting married, finishing school in Kentucky, and I’ve been in education for almost 25 years. But along with education, I’ve been helping my husband; I’ve been licensed for a little over three years. Now, we’re in partnership doing all things real estate.
Doug: I’m also from Indianapolis, Indiana. My first love was football, and I’ve always loved shiny things. So it’s a terrible thing to say, but I was in the drug trade for years. I had a child at 15 and had become huge in that industry. But I knew I wanted to do something different with my life, and I changed everything in 1996. So Blondie and I kept pushing on. We came to Atlanta after being in Kentucky for four years. And I met a young lady who really inspired me in real estate. That’s really how I got started. I got in the flipping game years ago, and now we’ve got a #1 best seller.
Let’s go back. Can you tell me about how you were spending before becoming responsible with money?
Doug: I definitely had to learn the hard way about spending. Being an ex-hustler, I always had excess money. Even in real estate, you stop thinking about spending because it’s coming back so fast. But at the end of the year, when you look at everything, it makes you want to cut back and change your ways. Even though we have a lot of luxury things, we had to learn how to write things off and save. I’ve learned what things you can cut off (do without) – because it’s a necessity in our business.
Blondie: It’s funny that Doug said he had to work on the spending because when he decided to change his life, we had times where we really didn’t have money. We had to learn how to budget. But even while we’re in a different space, I still like to live under my means. People say you should live within your means, but if you’re working on a certain goal you have to live under your means.
"We had to learn how to budget. But even while we’re in a different space, I still like to live under my means. People say you should live within your means, but if you’re working on a certain goal you have to live under your means."
Dr. Atiya “Blondie” (L) and Douglas Parson (R)
@iamrealestate1/Instagram
If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you make annually, or what’s a typical month look like for you?
Doug: Me and Blondie are real estate agents, but we’re also master flippers. In a month, I’ve made close to $200,000 just off sales. Then, in regards to flipping, we make six figures all the time. One of our goals is to show the culture how to do this. Also, we’ve been together for like 28 years, we want to show people how to stick together and make money.
Wow. Okay, so you have to tell me more about how this actually works. In layman's terms, how would you explain the difference between a real estate agent and flipping homes?
Blondie: The big difference is that a real estate agent helps people if they want to buy or sell a home. But if you’re only a flipper, you’re only an investor; you don’t have to be licensed. But we try to educate people on the importance of getting your license. Once we find the property, we make sales as an agent and an investor.
Talk to me more about your multiple streams. How does it play a part in your financial journey?
Doug: We try to maximize the whole real estate game. We’re real estate agents, flippers, and we have a property management company. Plus, we’re working on a show and have our book. So it’s all real estate. I’m in love with real estate - so that helps.
That can be a lot coming in and out. Do you guys budget? How have you made it part of your routine?
Blondie: I’m the budget queen. I write it all down. Now, I use Google Docs, but when we first got together, I had our “infamous notebook.” I get anxious when I see money going out, and I don’t know where it’s going or how I’m getting it back. And you have to do that when you have multiple streams, and you’re trying to reach a goal.
Doug: Yeah, you’ve gotta cut the fat off. Only spend what’s needed.
Are there any budget must-haves you recommend? What tangible tips or advice can you offer for people who are creating or revising theirs?
Doug: We like fine dining. You know how TikTok is in Atlanta. But you’ve got to cut that down on how much you’re eating out, also be aware of your entertainment – especially in Atlanta. You have to have a realistic budget for food and entertainment.
But do you two have any splurges? What’s your thing you just have to buy?
Doug: My splurge has been designer shoes since I was a child. That is one of the things I have to plan for – I can’t just go to designers whenever there’s a sale. But I write some stuff off, too, because it’s part of my “costume.”
Blondie: I’m the coupon queen, but I splurge on my nails. But my nails are over the price of the usual nails. I’m going to get designs and everything, but that’s my thing. I have to have it.
Dr. Atiya “Blondie” (L) and Douglas Parson (R)
Paras Griffin/Getty Images for BET
I get it. Now, let’s go in the other direction. What are your current savings goals?
Doug: One of my goals is to have one million dollars sitting. A lot of people think I have it already, but that’s just in assets. I’m going to get there, though. I’m well on my way.
Blondie: I want to condense and have less bills. I don’t like a lot of debt. Like credit cards, when I use them, I pay it off, and I recommend paying off what you can. For example, if you can pay off your car insurance for the year – do it. If you have it, get it out the way.
"I want to condense and have less bills. I don’t like a lot of debt. Like credit cards, when I use them, I pay it off, and I recommend paying off what you can. For example, if you can pay off your car insurance for the year – do it. If you have it, get it out the way."
Let’s get into unhealthy habits. Were there any practices you had to unlearn before getting to this point?
Doug: We have a small fleet of cars. So, every Sunday, the mobile guy would come and wash the cars. But after a while, we noticed how it added up. Now, I’ve made that part of my workout to wash my car every week. It saves money and keeps me active.
Blondie: For me, it’s my nails again. I don’t get them done all the time. I let them last. I’ll ride that design out a little longer and do what I have to. Also, there’s been times I’ve gotten my nails done and not really liked them, not said anything, and had to get them done again in a couple of weeks. That’s not good. It’s just about making better decisions.
What are your money mantras/affirmations that could keep you motivated?
Doug: If I’m not in the mode, I say, "Let's get it.” You’ll notice that’s on a lot of my social media posts. That’s my thing!
Blondie: Part of my daily prayer is to use my tools to not only help people but allow them to be lucrative to me. Like for our book, I hope it helps other people and it makes money.
Speaking of, what inspired you to create We Nailed It! The Blueprint for Real Estate and Relationships?
Doug: We wanted to inspire the culture. I see so many kids coming from my background being hustlers or never really having anything. But then someone passes away, and they come up on money and don’t know what to do with it. So we’re trying to show them it’s not hard to sell homes and flip houses. And we’re changing lives in real life. We’ve made millionaires. So, our goal in writing books is to show that you can get money together, and I want it to be a blessing to others.
Blondie: Also, I wanted to talk about building a strong relationship in business and two people working together. Two is better than one.
Finally, is there any advice you can give to readers who want to improve their finances or get into real estate?
Doug: CUT OFF ALL THE FAT! Get rid of everything that’s not essential for you right now – put that money in an account now. Next, get your credit together – keep it at like 30%. What we try to teach is if you can save $30K or $40K and leverage your credit, you can do it. So now you can go to Home Depot and use that for credit cards, now you’ve created your business. You have your down payment for a small flip, and when you have materials and stuff, you use your credit card. Now go pay it all off. Just by limiting your spending and saving, you can do it – that’s a quick way to get money. It’s not going to happen overnight, but it definitely can happen.
Blondie: I’m very visual, so I have a whiteboard where I visualize our goals. I recommend that. That way, you can reassess your goals. Don’t wait months, and don’t be afraid to make changes.
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