There are a lot of articles, self-help books, Instagram quotes and the like about how to travel the world, meditate, and eat, pray, love to find your true self.
There are twice as many people willing to tell or sell you their testimony on how, once lost, they discovered themselves at the end of a grueling search. We, the people, love a good hide and seek tale about one's identity. As of late; however, I've been all about being proactive instead of reactive--focusing more on causes rather than effects, and from that focus came the question: How do we lose ourselves?
I began to think critically about the times (yep, plural) that I've felt disconnected from my spirit and found that these 5 things are how you lose yourself.
1. Being in relationships that drain you.
And no, I don't just mean those of the romantic sort. I am talking about those friends who only call to dump their bad days on you, but who disappear when you're in need. I mean that family member who has always mistreated you and who you forgive because “blood is thicker than water." Hell, I mean that girl who does your hair and makes you wait three hours after your scheduled appointment time because she has personal issues that keep her from being professional. And yes, I also mean that man or woman who keeps you up all night in tears, makes you question your self-worth, and can't see anything in you worth respecting---all in the name of “love." These are the relationships that deteriorate the most crucial connection you can have, the one with yourself.
2. Failing to practice gratitude.
Often times when we feel the most broken or down, it's because we are focusing on all of the things we do not have instead of the things we've already been blessed with. It is so easy to get caught up in the “what ifs" and the “when is it going to happen" that our present situation can feel anything but satisfying. We pick and prod over everything we are lacking in such great detail while barely noticing the multitude of wonders we have to offer.
3. Mistaking depression for anything other than depression.
Depression is tricky. It has the uncanny ability to distort your reality and make you believe that your job/friends/lover/dreams/self are all worthless. And it will try its best to convince you that it will be cured by losing weight, moving to a different city, having less or more lovers, praying a lot or not at all, secluding yourself or keeping so many people around you never have a moment to yourself---oh, depression is a real shapeshifter. And the truth of the matter is depression can only be dealt with after it is called by its name and treated as such. If you're suffering from depression, try your best to face it head on---you won't always win but you won't always lose either.
4. Placing your self-worth in your accomplishments (or failures!).
Here's the thing: sometimes life is absolutely amazing and other times, it is literally terrible. Ebbs and flows are a natural part of everyone's life--even those who seem to have it all. But what I've found is that if I can detach my feelings about myself from my feelings about wherever I am in my life, I can hold on to the same amount of peace and joy in the bad times as I have in the good times. This takes practice, a lot of it, but it is so worth it. When the way I viewed me was wrapped up in whether an article I wrote went viral or whether I booked the role I wanted, I was on a constant roller coaster of loving myself and then hating myself, and that spilled over into my relationships--both professional and personal. I was teaching people to love me with the same conditions, and people whose feelings about me depended on what I could do for them surrounded me.
5. Wallowing in self-pity.
This is a hard one to accept for many because it means taking a long, hard, critical look at yourself in the name of growth--and it can be uncomfortable. The truth of the matter is we as able-minded adults, those of us not suffering from mental illnesses that keep us from being able to think clearly, must be responsible for ourselves. It doesn't matter where we come from or what we've been through, there comes a time when those things cannot be called upon as excuses for our unhappiness.
We tell the universe to keep dumping bad things in our path because we like them. We convince ourselves that we are powerless; therefore, handing over the baton of our lives to whomever and whatever we come in contact with.
The bottom line is that you cannot cover yourself in gasoline and be mad when you are set on fire. The gasoline can be the refusal to separate yourself from toxic relationships, ingratitude, or even a career that zaps your goodness, but one thing is for sure--you won't dodge that fire for long. That fire can be consuming. Sure, there are those who are able to self-help book their way out of it before too much precious time is wasted, but there are others who spend their whole life trying to find their way back to themselves. That doesn't have to be your story!
Do you feel as though you've lost yourself? Let's chat in the comments
RELATED
In fact, aromatherapy is quite powerful when it comes to promoting calm and relaxation, helping to put you into an optimistic mood, reducing stress, preventing insomnia, and improving how soundly you are able to sleep throughout the night. And so, since I’m such an essential oils fan (and I truly am!), let’s get into 10 that will help you to rest well — thanks to the way that they smell along with a few other benefits that they are able to offer you too.
Essential Oils for Better Sleep
Getty Images
1. Lavender
When it comes to essential oils that are best for you in the “rest and relaxation department,” lavender may be the most popular one. That’s because it is well known for doing everything from reducing pain and inflammation and making menstrual cramps less intense to lowering anxiety and increasing your melatonin levels. On a super scientific note, something else that’s cool about lavender oil is it works with your body’s neurotransmitters in order to reduce restlessness if you happen to be someone who doesn’t sleep soundly due to tossing and turning all throughout the night.
2. Cedarwood
Although I’ve always liked the earthy scent of cedarwood, something that caused it to earn my respect was reading about how it’s an all-natural way to improve the attention span of children who’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Beyond that, as far as calming oneself goes, cedarwood oil is able to soothe arthritic discomfort, reduce coughing (if a cold is what’s keeping you up), decrease the itchiness and irritation that comes with eczema, lower your stress levels, and, yes, improve your quality of sleep if you’re someone who happens to rest yet not really…rest well.
Unsplash
3. Patchouli
Another oil that has a solid reputation for decreasing bodily inflammation is patchouli. Some other things that make it stellar are the facts that it helps to ward off depression-related symptoms (if that is what keeps you up at night), puts you in a better mood, boosts your immunity (so that being under the weather doesn’t prevent you from catching some zzz’s) and it even intensifies your libido — ‘cause chile, ain’t nothin’ like the sleep that you get after having an orgasm…or two. Oh, and it absolutely must go on record that patchouli oil also acts as a sedative if you’ve been dealing with insomnia as of late as well.
4. Marjoram
Women who are looking for an all-natural way to regulate their hormones (check out “5 Signs Your Estrogen Is Too High. 5 Signs It's Too Low.”) might want to speak with their doctor (or homeopath) about trying marjoram oil. Some research says that it can help to balance hormones which can make PMS and the latter stages of perimenopause more tolerable (which can make falling and staying asleep easier to do too). Marjoram is also helpful when it comes to reducing pain, easing digestion, and alleviating anxiety.
Plus, since marjoram is an oil that is high in magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that can help you to get to sleep, stay asleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed — so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding (you should consult your doctor first if you are because it can sometimes produce side effects in your case), you definitely should give marjoram a shot.
Getty Images
5. Ylang Ylang
Typically, when I think of the essential oil ylang ylang, what comes to my mind is how it can make for a very eventful evening…if you catch my drift (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”); however, it can actually help you out in more areas of your life than just your bedroom. Ylang ylang is another oil that helps to reduce pain and anxiety. Something else to keep in mind about ylang ylang is if you’re having a hard time falling asleep due to something like a headache or even respiratory issues, putting a couple of drops into a diffuser could bring some relief. That’s because ylang ylang is also classified as being a sedative — one that can even help to lower the blood pressure in your bae (healthy men) if need be.
6. Fennel
As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is the fact that fennel seeds can help (some) mothers to produce more breast milk. It doesn’t stop there, though. If sleep is evading you due to gas or constipation, fennel oil can help you out there. Some scientific research also says that it’s the kind of oil that can help you feel less anxious if you’re trying to rest after a long hard day. And, since fennel is known for making sleeping better when it’s in tea form, I don’t see why it wouldn’t do the same thing as an essential oil too.
Unsplash
7. Valerian Root
If you’re looking for the kind of essential oil that will help you to relax, on pretty much every level, look no further than valerian root. The properties in it are going to help to calm your nervous system, soothe headache tension, lower your stress levels, decrease menstrual cramp discomfort, bring relief to hot flashes (that come with perimenopause) and yes, it’s an all-natural approach to insomnia as well. Although many choose to use it in supplement form, applying valerian root oil to pressure points like your feet can also provide a very relaxing and impactful effect.
8. Jasmine
If you check out my article, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” from back in the day, you’ll see that jasmine is another essential oil that is considered to be a pretty potential one if you’re looking to boost you (or your partner’s libido). I get why too because its floral-meets-fruity scent can be quite sensual. Beyond the bedroom, jasmine can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, experience less menstrual-related discomfort, and make you feel less depressed — and yes, it contains properties that qualify the oil to be a sedative. This is especially the case if you blend it with another soothing essential oil like lavender.
9. Clary Sage
If pretty much nothing but perimenopause symptoms are what’s keeping you awake at night, you might want to keep a bottle of clary sage oil on your nightstand because it can help to decrease night sweats by naturally “leveling out” the estrogen that may be on a bit of a roller coaster ride in your system right through here. Other things that this oil can do is reduce stress and help to relax your system. Not to mention the fact that if menstrual cramps are what’s keeping you up, some women say that rubbing some of the oil (add a carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to the oil to dilute it a bit, please) to your abdominal region can provide quite a bit of relief.
10. Vetiver
Final one. In my opinion, it’s kind of surprising that vetiver essential oil isn’t mentioned more in the holistic care space. For starters, it has been celebrated for providing support for children with ADHD as well as decreasing nervousness and anxiety in adults. Some other ways that this oil can benefit you is it’s the kind of aphrodisiac that raises testosterone levels while lowering cortisol ones (cortisol is a stress hormone that’s in your body) which can intensify orgasms and promote great rest — and yes, it’s also mentioned quite often in the sleep-inducing space.
___
You know, I once read that since 2010, the amount of people who rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep has pretty much doubled. Since the side effects of the long-term use of over-the-counter sedatives include things like headaches, muscle weakness, digestion issues, and even louder snoring and sleeplessness, consider trying one of these essential oils before popping a pill. As you can see, not only can certain oils help to lull you to sleep — but they can help in so many other areas too. Happy resting, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Mavocado/Getty Images