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What We Can Learn From Ronda Rousey: 'Being Defeated Is A Choice'
Being a celebrity in a Twitter kind of world is hard and not because it gives you the opportunity to tell to your fans that your “embarrassing” $53 million dollar debt is stifling your creative process. On its best day, social media will remind your fans that your three-year-old debut album just went platinum, that you shut down this year’s Superbowl without even having to touch the ball, or that your Grammy performance is enlightening a whole new audience about social injustice.
But on its worst day, social media will make you relive your losses, one Instagram post at a time. Michelle taking a tumble on 106 & Park while performing with Destiny’s Child? Someone is using that as a GIF right now about falling in love. Bill Cosby has been meme’d more than I can think of when it comes to consent and, while we all have a good laugh and keep scrolling, the truth is someone is being forced to relive the worst moment of their life, one tweet at a time.
Ronda Rousey is no exception.
Last night, the UFC fighter returned to the ring for her first bout since her devastating first career loss to Holly Holm and suffered a knockout within the first 48 seconds of the fight. It wasn't a complete loss for Rousey who collected a payday of $3 million for showing up, but the TKO has critics calling for her retirement -- including her mom.
Back in February, when the former UFC champ sat down with Ellen Degeneres in one of the first appearances since losing to Holly Holm in UFC 193, she appeared to be humbled by the experience as she talked about what her first defeat taught her.
"In that exact second, I'm like, 'I'm nothing. What do I do anymore?'" the MMA fighter revealed through tears while talking to Ellen about the devastating defeat.
"What am I anymore if I'm not this??
No one gives a s--t about me anymore without this.”
Rousey gave some honest insight on the feelings that come with reassessing your self-worth when the one thing you have been defined by seems to disappear. But what makes Rousey’s struggle so relatable is the fact the we are all one failed relationship, one job loss, or one loss of a loved one away from reconsidering our place in the world and the value placed on what we have to offer it.
According to Rousey, that sometimes is necessary:
“I did a lot of thinking and I was like, 'Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen like this?' I do believe that all the best things in life happen from the worst things. I do believe all the best things come from the worst things. All the worst things in my life resulted in all the absolute best things. And I’m trying to think what is the reason of all this. And I’m thinking, what is my actual purpose?
She continued:
Maybe winning all the time isn’t what is best for anybody. Everyone has their moment of picking themselves up off the floor. And I’ve gone through several of my [moments of picking myself up] but no one has actually ever seen me go through it. So maybe I had to be that example of picking myself off the floor in front of everyone, maybe that’s what I’m meant for.
"I really do believe that I'm still undefeated. Because being defeated is a choice. Everyone has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated."
[Tweet "Being defeated is a choice. Everyone has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated."]
And she's right. It's not about what happens to you, but ultimately how you respond to it. So why is Ronda Rousey's loss met with so much hate?
Not being familiar with MMA fighting, I tried researching reasons why fans, celebs, and other fighters alike seem to revel in their hobby of hating Rousey. The most I came up with:
[Tweet "We love to build up celebs, just to break them down."]
It would be like if Beyoncé came out with a bad single that went double aluminum foil; social media would have a field day. Before the knockout, Fortune magazine credited Rousey with being a “cultural phenomenon”. Rousey was the first American woman to win an Olympic medal in judo and one of the highest-paid fighters (male or female) in UFC history. She also stars in the bestselling Electronic Arts video game UFC 2, has a best-selling autobiography and made appearances in blockbusters such as Furious 7, The Expendables, and Entourage.
OK, maybe she did make a little comment-bragging that she could beat boxer, Floyd Mayweather. But seriously, did we really expect a woman who along with tennis superstar Serena Williams and Nascar’s Danica Patrick, who are giving the figurative finger to common stereotypes about female athletes to be a shrinking violet? Why should Rousey’s personality be any less bold than Muhammad Ali, or Mayweather who reminds fans on a daily basis that he makes more in a night than some of us do in a decade?
Nonetheless, after the first knockout everyone couldn’t wait to celebrate Rousey’s defeat with Donald Trump even tweeting:
“Glad to see that @RondaRousey lost her championship fight last night. Was soundly beaten - not a nice person!”
Social media was flooded with opinions about Rousey being “overrated” and “overhyped” simply because of one brutal “L”. All comments that until I learn otherwise allude to the fact that because Rousey was winning both in and out the ring and doing it well that she needed to be humbled. Because of course any girl who‘s feelin’ herself just a little bit after breaking records is in urgent need of a life lesson.
Ultimately the only thing that Rousey’s loss did was make her more human. Rousey revealed having to deal with fans afterwards that hated her without even knowing her, and finding a reason to get up again made her battle with some self-destructive thoughts:
"I was literally sitting there thinking about killing myself."
The one thing that gave her reason to go on? Some good old-fashioned love:
"I looked up at him and I was just like, 'I need to have his babies. I need to stay alive,'" she explained about her boyfriend, UFC fighter Travis Browne and the days following her loss when she would sit around crying into a bowl of ice cream. "I was meant to have him at my lowest point, for sure. I don’t think I would’ve made it.” Her finding a reason to live in her soul mate is also an indication of how important it is to have a strong support system during a time of loss and defeat.
Rousey’s story reminds me of a saying my father has always told me: The only thing you can depend on in this life is change.
It’s a saying I often look to when I find myself allowing myself to be defined too much by one thing. When you place all of your self-worth on the fact that you’re a CEO, a platinum-selling singer, or even a mother or wife, in the event that that title is taken from you, you’ll be left to redefine yourself all over again. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but it can be a painful process and it’s important to remind yourself that you are so much more than a title and that you are more than your most recent win.
[Tweet "You are so much more than a title, and your most recent win"]
Whether you’re actually in the ring or just feel like life is kicking your ass in general, Ronda Rousey’s appearance on The Ellen Show might help if you are in the process of picking yourself up and putting it all back together:
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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