Being a celebrity in a Twitter kind of world is hard and not because it gives you the opportunity to tell to your fans that your “embarrassing” $53 million dollar debt is stifling your creative process. On its best day, social media will remind your fans that your three-year-old debut album just went platinum, that you shut down this year’s Superbowl without even having to touch the ball, or that your Grammy performance is enlightening a whole new audience about social injustice.
But on its worst day, social media will make you relive your losses, one Instagram post at a time. Michelle taking a tumble on 106 & Park while performing with Destiny’s Child? Someone is using that as a GIF right now about falling in love. Bill Cosby has been meme’d more than I can think of when it comes to consent and, while we all have a good laugh and keep scrolling, the truth is someone is being forced to relive the worst moment of their life, one tweet at a time.
Ronda Rousey is no exception.
Last night, the UFC fighter returned to the ring for her first bout since her devastating first career loss to Holly Holm and suffered a knockout within the first 48 seconds of the fight. It wasn't a complete loss for Rousey who collected a payday of $3 million for showing up, but the TKO has critics calling for her retirement -- including her mom.
Back in February, when the former UFC champ sat down with Ellen Degeneres in one of the first appearances since losing to Holly Holm in UFC 193, she appeared to be humbled by the experience as she talked about what her first defeat taught her.
"In that exact second, I'm like, 'I'm nothing. What do I do anymore?'" the MMA fighter revealed through tears while talking to Ellen about the devastating defeat.
"What am I anymore if I'm not this??
No one gives a s--t about me anymore without this.”
Rousey gave some honest insight on the feelings that come with reassessing your self-worth when the one thing you have been defined by seems to disappear. But what makes Rousey’s struggle so relatable is the fact the we are all one failed relationship, one job loss, or one loss of a loved one away from reconsidering our place in the world and the value placed on what we have to offer it.
According to Rousey, that sometimes is necessary:
“I did a lot of thinking and I was like, 'Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen like this?' I do believe that all the best things in life happen from the worst things. I do believe all the best things come from the worst things. All the worst things in my life resulted in all the absolute best things. And I’m trying to think what is the reason of all this. And I’m thinking, what is my actual purpose?
She continued:
Maybe winning all the time isn’t what is best for anybody. Everyone has their moment of picking themselves up off the floor. And I’ve gone through several of my [moments of picking myself up] but no one has actually ever seen me go through it. So maybe I had to be that example of picking myself off the floor in front of everyone, maybe that’s what I’m meant for.
"I really do believe that I'm still undefeated. Because being defeated is a choice. Everyone has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated."
[Tweet "Being defeated is a choice. Everyone has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated."]
And she's right. It's not about what happens to you, but ultimately how you respond to it. So why is Ronda Rousey's loss met with so much hate?
Not being familiar with MMA fighting, I tried researching reasons why fans, celebs, and other fighters alike seem to revel in their hobby of hating Rousey. The most I came up with:
[Tweet "We love to build up celebs, just to break them down."]
It would be like if Beyoncé came out with a bad single that went double aluminum foil; social media would have a field day. Before the knockout, Fortune magazine credited Rousey with being a “cultural phenomenon”. Rousey was the first American woman to win an Olympic medal in judo and one of the highest-paid fighters (male or female) in UFC history. She also stars in the bestselling Electronic Arts video game UFC 2, has a best-selling autobiography and made appearances in blockbusters such as Furious 7, The Expendables, and Entourage.
OK, maybe she did make a little comment-bragging that she could beat boxer, Floyd Mayweather. But seriously, did we really expect a woman who along with tennis superstar Serena Williams and Nascar’s Danica Patrick, who are giving the figurative finger to common stereotypes about female athletes to be a shrinking violet? Why should Rousey’s personality be any less bold than Muhammad Ali, or Mayweather who reminds fans on a daily basis that he makes more in a night than some of us do in a decade?
Nonetheless, after the first knockout everyone couldn’t wait to celebrate Rousey’s defeat with Donald Trump even tweeting:
“Glad to see that @RondaRousey lost her championship fight last night. Was soundly beaten - not a nice person!”
Social media was flooded with opinions about Rousey being “overrated” and “overhyped” simply because of one brutal “L”. All comments that until I learn otherwise allude to the fact that because Rousey was winning both in and out the ring and doing it well that she needed to be humbled. Because of course any girl who‘s feelin’ herself just a little bit after breaking records is in urgent need of a life lesson.
Ultimately the only thing that Rousey’s loss did was make her more human. Rousey revealed having to deal with fans afterwards that hated her without even knowing her, and finding a reason to get up again made her battle with some self-destructive thoughts:
"I was literally sitting there thinking about killing myself."
The one thing that gave her reason to go on? Some good old-fashioned love:
"I looked up at him and I was just like, 'I need to have his babies. I need to stay alive,'" she explained about her boyfriend, UFC fighter Travis Browne and the days following her loss when she would sit around crying into a bowl of ice cream. "I was meant to have him at my lowest point, for sure. I don’t think I would’ve made it.” Her finding a reason to live in her soul mate is also an indication of how important it is to have a strong support system during a time of loss and defeat.
Rousey’s story reminds me of a saying my father has always told me: The only thing you can depend on in this life is change.
It’s a saying I often look to when I find myself allowing myself to be defined too much by one thing. When you place all of your self-worth on the fact that you’re a CEO, a platinum-selling singer, or even a mother or wife, in the event that that title is taken from you, you’ll be left to redefine yourself all over again. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but it can be a painful process and it’s important to remind yourself that you are so much more than a title and that you are more than your most recent win.
[Tweet "You are so much more than a title, and your most recent win"]
Whether you’re actually in the ring or just feel like life is kicking your ass in general, Ronda Rousey’s appearance on The Ellen Show might help if you are in the process of picking yourself up and putting it all back together:
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
