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10 Weird & Random Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm
Not too long ago, while having a conversation with a wife that I know about marital intimacy, she shared with me something that her husband isn't even aware of. It's two things, actually. The first is that she's been faking orgasms with him, pretty much since they met (which is close to 25 years at this point; they've been married for almost two decades). The other thing is, the only man who has been able to make her climax, is a boyfriend from back in the day; someone she still talks to from time to time (chiiiiiile).
"Shellie, when you get married, you'll see that it's not all about sex or orgasms. There are more important things to focus on." Hmph. Spoken like a woman who doesn't have orgasms, right? Yes, I agree that sex is a part of a marriage and not the entire shebang. But what I absolutely disagree with is the fact that good sex—the kind that should include mutual climaxing as much as possible—does not play a pivotal role in a couple's happiness and satisfaction.
A while back, I penned a piece entitled "Can't Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself". If you're someone who also has a challenging time "getting there" with your partner, those questions might help you to get to the root of the matter. But before you dive into that, maybe check out this list first. Although the biggest sexual organ is our brain—which means that making sure we feel safe and secure in our relationship is paramount—there are also some semi-weird and quite random things that could be keeping you from gettin' yours as well.
1. Cycling
Here's something to think about before you head off to your next spin class. There's a study that revealed that 7 out of 10 consistent female cyclists have either experienced pain or numbness in their vaginal region. And here's the thing—not only do both of these transpire right after they get off of the bike; they can last for up to a week. Now tell me, who do you know who has earth-shattering orgasms when they are experiencing discomfort or numbness down there? Sounds like there's no time like the present to go running or to do a little yoga instead, huh?
2. Your Diet
You can read articles like "How To Eat Your Way To Better Sex" to discover some foods that are proven aphrodisiacs. But did you know what there are foods that can work against you climbing the walls as well? Caffeinated drinks can pose a challenge because they have the ability to make you anxious. Processed foods (like fast food) aren't the best because they can destabilize your hormones. Please push back from soy more often; it mimics estrogen (you can read more about that here and here) which can also put your hormones on a roller coaster ride. Too much sugar can affect the dopamine levels in your system, resulting in delayed orgasms or (gasp!) not having one at all (sugar can trigger vaginal dryness too). Also, while I know this is a weird one, try not to have cantaloupe every morning. It naturally contains a carbocyclic polyol called myo-inositol; in women, it can decrease testosterone levels by as much as 75 percent. Low testosterone, less orgasms.
3. Being Too Quiet
So, what are the conversations like in your bedroom? From what I've read, 81 percent of women actually wish their partner would talk dirty too them more often. It makes sense because there is tons of data to support that that kind of communication, relaxes the body, stimulates the mind and inspires both men and women to take more sexual risks. Case in point—I know someone who absolutely loathes the word "p—sy". But when she is ready to cum, that is the main thing she wants to hear.
There's something about dirty talk that gasses us up to attempt truly great things. If your bedroom is silent or y'all are up in there talking about bills during coitus, I'm actually impressed if the orgasms are high on the shook-meter. Real talk.
4. High Heels
On one hand, high heels can make your butt look amazing. On the other, it can cause your orgasms to tank. How in the world can that happen?
Well, when you wear your favorite pair of pumps, they tend to put stress and strain on your psoas muscles (those are muscles that are close to your spine and also line your hip and thigh bones). When they become deformed, that can hinder your body from receiving the message that orgasm arousal is taking place.
I know some of y'all are like "What the hell?!" but sometimes you've gotta make hard decisions—is it gonna be non-stop Stilettos or earth-shattering orgasms? Report in the comment section, please. I'm dying to know.
5. Not Kissing Enough
Back when I was in college, I always found it to be, "odd" is the word I'm going to go with, whenever a woman would say to me that they were offended when a man would have sex with them without kissing them. Personally, a man wouldn't be able to get to base 2, 3 or anywhere else without a smooch session going down but, at the time, I chalked it up to youth. Then, about three months ago, I spoke with a man in his late 30s, who also said he was not big on kissing. About two sentences after that, he then boasted that he satisfies all of his partners. Eh. The jury is out on that because I haven't polled those ladies. What I do know is if he's as "bomb" as he claims, he can only make sex better if he would do more kissing—on the mouth.
Yep. Another reason why some people struggle with climaxing is because there's not enough mouth-to-mouth kissing going on. When saliva is exchanged, a boost in oxytocin occurs. When oxytocin is surging throughout our system, it stimulates and relaxes us simultaneously. And that sets the "perfect storm", as far as orgasms go.
6. Too Much Alcohol
Alcohol is weird. On one hand, while it can get you in the mood to have sex, there are also studies which indicate that it can pose all types of barriers when it comes to how your genitalia responds to sexual stimuli. A part of the reason is because it can inhibit your central nervous system (you need that in order to have an orgasm). Another reason is because it can dehydrate you (you need to be hydrated in order to get wet). As far as guys go, alcohol can also delay ejaculation (which could be a good or bad thing, I guess).
So if, for some reason, you thought that getting drunkety drunk drunk was what you needed in order to have a great night, push the bottle back and think again. Drunken sex may start off cool, but it usually doesn't result in the kind of fireworks you're probably looking for.
7. Youth
If you're someone who hates aging with a passion, maybe this will give you a reason to look forward to putting another candle onto next year's birthday cake. According to a medical expert who shared a study on climaxing as it relates to age, the older you get, the easier it is to have an orgasm. How easy? Reportedly, 61 percent of women between the ages of 18-24, and 65 percent of women in their 30s claim to have had an orgasm the last time they had sex. Meanwhile, a whopping 70 percent of women in their 40s and 50s did. With age comes wisdom and experience. This data confirms that that is more than just a popular saying.
8. Being a Control Freak
OK. How many of y'all remember the early 90s movieStrictly Business? It started Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson and a woman named Anne-Marie Johnson who was dating a character played by Joseph C. Philips. Anyway, there's a scene in it where Anne-Marie and Joseph were having sex and she was shouting out instructions. Literal instructions—"left…right…move…there." Ugh.
If you're a control freak in other areas of your life, there's a chance that you could be one in the bedroom. No one wants to have sex with a drill sergeant. And you know what? When you're all tense from overthinking and bossing your partner around, you significantly decrease your chances of having any real or lasting pleasure too.
9. Condoms and Lube
By no means am I saying that you shouldn't use condoms. If you are not in a mutually exclusive relationship and both you and your partner aren't getting tested on a regular basis, you most certainly should. All I'm saying is, not every man—including Black man—in America needs a Magnum brand. In fact, since the average size of an erect penis is a little over 5", it's important for a man to know what size condom he can comfortably wear. Otherwise, the condom could be too tight, preventing him from having an orgasm or too loose, resulting in it coming off (condoms that are too thick can hinder climaxing too).
As far as lubrication goes, I'm pretty sure you know that the wetter, the better. If there's not enough foreplay for natural lubrication to flow and/or you're not bringing some other form of lubrication into the mix, not only do you decrease your chance of having an orgasm, but intercourse can become really uncomfortable as well. So yeah, make sure you're using the right condom and that there's enough lubrication.
(Oh! If you agree that your man needs a better-fitting condom, you or he can read more about how to get "sized" for one here and here.)
10. A Non-Jealous Man
Nobody is saying that you should go out here and get a raging lunatic stalker. Please don't. But there isn't anything wrong with being with a man who keeps his guard up, just a bit, around your male associates. Don't take my word for it. There are studies to support that when men perceive other guys are potential rivals, they tend to up their sex game, just to make sure their partner is fully satisfied and stays put.
So, if your man isn't bringing the fire like you want him to, perhaps introduce him to a fine male co-worker. According to the research I've done, that just might be what he needs to get you to climaxing—over and over and over again.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm
Blended Orgasms Need To Be The Next To-Do On Your Sexual Hit List
What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?
Can't Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself
Feature image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Skylar Marshai Talks Hair Reset With SheaMoisture Bond Repair 'Revive & Thrive' Campaign
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
Skylar Marshai is known for her extravagant style, and her hair is no exception. But now, she’s giving her hair a break and focusing on hair care with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection. “I feel like my hair has always been an extension of my storytelling because I know it's so innately linked to my self-expression that I've been thinking a lot about how my love for crafting my hair into these different forms and shapes has honestly never given it a chance to just be,” Skylar explains.
“So for the next few weeks, I will be wearing my natural hair out.” The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is infused with AminoBlend and HydroPlex technology, scientifically proven to make hair 6x stronger with 84% less breakage by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds (vs. non-conditioning shampoo). That’s why it's the perfect hair reset for Skylar.
“It's been a long, long time since I've worn my natural curls. I haven’t nurtured it in its natural form so I’m scared of breakage, of it being dry, of it being damaged,” she admits. “I do feel like my hair is in good hands because I will be using the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection and it’s known for repairing damaged hair making it smoother, making it stronger like all of these very real concerns I have.”
Thanks to the unique blend of Amino Blend Complex (fortifying amino acids), Amla oil, and fair-trade shea butter used in each product, the hair will become visibly healthier after just one use. That’s because the collection focuses on repairing and reviving dry, damaged hair due to color, protective styles, heat, and more. This 4-step system, which includes Bond Repair Shampoo, Bond Repair Conditioner, Bond Repair Masque, and Bond Repair Leave-in, also enhances weakened hair bonds to reduce future breakage.
Skylar shows us how she uses the collection and it’s giving big, beautiful, healthy hair. “So I think it's gonna be some beauty to allowing my hair to rest,” she says. When it comes to styling, the influencer is “just gonna let Mother Nature do her thing.” Learn more about the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection below.
Step One: Bond Repair Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are infused with the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, Shea Moisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Conditionerdeeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Feature image by @skylarmarshai/ Instagram
I Went To The Spa For A Deep Tissue Massage But Got A 'Happy Ending' Instead
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Q's story, as told to London Alexaundria.
This was a few years ago. It had to be back in '21 because it was during the pandemic. And I work out, so my body is always sore, and normally, I would go to a chain, like a Massage Envy, for the most part. And I got bored with it. I got bored with changing locations. I got bored with changing the therapists.
And so I said, let me try to find something different. So what I did was, and it was like, later on in that evening. So I was trying to find somebody who do late-night massages outside of Jeju (Atlanta spa) and going that far. And so I did, like a simple Google search, just massage therapists that are open. I found one, and it was Black-owned, and it was in a reasonable amount of time. It wasn't too far, like it was less than 45 minutes from where I am. And I decided to give it a chance.
I wasn't looking for anything in particular except to get a really good deep-tissue massage because I was in a lot of pain, and they were open up until midnight, and so I went ahead and booked. I submitted my down payment, and I showed up. And when I showed up, it looked like it was maybe; I don't know if you want to call them; they could resemble homes, but it's like a plaza, I guess. It's his actual business. And when I went in there, it was clean. It was small and quaint, but it was very clean. No issues. And the massage therapist was very nice; very professional.
DragaonImages/ Getty Images
He broke everything down for me. I told him my areas that I needed attention on, and then he gave me a few minutes just to get undressed. He said, if I'm comfortable, I can just lay on the table. If I would like to be covered up, just go underneath the cover. You don't have to get completely naked. You can keep your undergarments on if that's what you choose to do. But me, no matter where I'm at, no matter what type of massage I'm getting, I just like to be completely naked. And I just laid on top of the table because it was pretty warm in there. Like, it wasn't too cold, it wasn't too hot, it was just right for me. And so once he came in he got everything situated, he got the music playing, and he just gets to going, and he's massaging me on my back.
I opted for a deep tissue, and he's really focusing on my trigger points. And normally, when I get a massage, naturally, I'm relaxed. Naturally, I might get excited. But this time, it was different, and I think it was just because of the way that he really paid attention to my body. And not only was he good at paying attention to it, it had a certain type of sensualness to it. So I guess you can say it reminds you of something similar to a sensual massage therapist that you might see online, like a TikTok or Instagram. So it was something similar to that. So once he finished with my back, and he started going to my lower back and buttocks area, he went into my inner thighs, and he's doing my inner thighs and my calves. And the more he starts working my inner thighs, the more excited I'm getting.
MilanEXPO/ Getty Images
I'm getting super wet, but in my head, I'm thinking, okay, play it cool. Just be professional. Keep it going. But the more he kept going up my inner thighs, the more excited I got, and I know he felt how wet I was. The closer he got to my private area, I slowly open my legs up a little bit more so he can get the idea that I'm okay with him just going all the way through. And if you want to give me a happy ending, I'm okay with that too. But he still took his time, still kept massaging. And the more I opened up my legs, the closer he got, and then he had touched me on my vagina area, and I liked it, and I let out like a sigh.
And so he kept going and going and going. And then he didn't stop until I came. And once I came, he just like... it was nothing. Just kept massaging the rest of my body, and he told me to flip over. And when I flipped over, you know, he did the top portion of my body. He did like my temples on my head. He did my décolletage area, like the chest area. And then he did my legs and my feet, you know, on the top side. But then when he went into my inner thighs again, I get excited again, and he does it again, and so I come again, and after that, I'm completely relaxed, and this man is like, your massage is complete.
And I was just stunned, because I've never had that happen before, but it was amazing. And I said I could do this again. But then I started thinking, does he do this often? Or did he do it just because he knew that I was okay with about opening up my legs a bit more, so he knew that it was okay to keep going in that area. And I really didn't ask him, 'cause deep down inside, I didn't care. I just knew that it was something that I was going to keep with me that way if I want to see him again. I still got him in my back pocket, and I did see him again, but we'll save that for another time.
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Feature image by Casarsa