I've been struggling a lot lately in my personal and professional life, which has been the source of anxiety, self-doubt, lack of sleep, and this ongoing feeling of not being "enough." The end of my 2018 and the start of my 2019 were rough, and since I have become a "push through" queen, it has been normal for me to put things I want in my life before my physical and mental health.
"You're looking really frustrated over there," my co-worker and friend Q said on his way out the door. "I've got a lot on my mind," I said cupping forehead in my hand. "I know," he said with a smile before hugging me on his way out. He along with many of my coworkers know what I've been dealing with since I returned from holiday break.
I'd been saying, "I'm going to take a break" since I got back from Atlanta in January. It was March 5th, and I decided that it was time to take at least a day.
At 11:25 pm I sent my boss a note on Slack letting her know I was going to take a mental health day, noting that, "If the team needs me, I'll come in. I hate feeling like I'm leaving the team hanging."
I was feeling guilty and very millennial as I wrote that message. Who needs to take a day for mental health? But, I knew in my spirit I needed that day.
Before she wrote me back, I'd gone ahead and booked a massage at a new place in Los Angeles called The Now. What intrigued me about the spa was their pricing ($100 for an eighty-minute massage) and that fact that I could add on their CBD balm to my treatment for an extra $10. Before you say that's too much, we all have those beauty and wellness things we can't live without like getting going to see our favorite nail tech, getting our edges laid by our lifelong stylist, or whatever your heart desires. If I give up eating out six days a week for only two, I'll have enough to book my next spa day.
With the boom of the cannabis products in the beauty and wellness world, I'd read many studies that claim CBD can lower blood pressure, act as a natural anti-inflammatory supplement, and help ease the pain of those chronic pain. The next morning, I woke up to a note from my manager, "You are not leaving us hanging at all! Take care of yourself — that is the most important thing."
How lucky am I to have a boss that understands, I thought.
Too often, managers guilt employees into pushing through at the expense of their health. In 2017, only one in five American workers under the age 45 took sick days, according to labor statistics. If we're not taking sick days when we're sick with the flu, a cold, or any other ailment deemed a sickness — the likelihood of people taking a day off for mental health is minimal.
I scheduled my appointment for 2:30 pm on a rainy Wednesday in Los Angeles. I know Tony! Toni! Tone! told us "It never rains in Southern California," but it does. When I arrived, I was greeted by two lovely hosts dressed in denim and was checked in to my appointment with my massage therapist Darrien.
Writer Bianca Lambert captured in The Now
I know there are black massage therapists out there, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a young black woman greet me to go over my what I was hoping to get out of my massage.
"Your girl is stressed," I said with a chuckle.
We chatted a few more moments, and I was off to a dimly lit space filled with salt lamps, sounds of an ocean breeze, and Tulum-esque decor that made me wish I could stay there forever. "Take a deep breath," Darrien said as she started the massage.
I tried to inhale to take a deep breath, but my body was so tight that I was only able to take in a little air. As the massage went on, I made attempts to quiet my mind, but if you have ever experienced anxiety, that's not as easy as you'd think. I started to think about the emails I might miss, the phone call I might get from my agent telling me I'd booked that audition I'd gone in for on Monday, the possibility of there being an emergency. My mind -- even in a place that was meant for mindfulness and relaxation -- was filled with all of these never-ending, fear-based, obsessive thoughts. About 20 minutes into the massage, I felt myself start to relax, especially when she got to the spots on my body where I hold all of my stress — my neck, shoulders, and back.
Eighty minutes later, my spa day was over.
I looked at the ceiling, took the first actual deep breath I'd taken in months, and cried. I felt like I'd dropped the boulder I'd been carrying around for the last few months. When I left the shop, my body was so relaxed that I dozed off at the restaurant I'd gone to have a drink and when a couple of stressful emails popped up on my way home — I felt the stress, but my body didn't tense up the way it usually would.
I think that can be attributed to the peppermint and hemp-derived CBD in their CBD balm — so I will be adding CBD oil to my list of things to buy in the name of self-care. When I got home, I turned on The Golden Girls and woke up the next morning having a had my first night of uninterrupted sleep in months. As I write this a little over twenty-four hours after my massage, I am still feeling grounded and relaxed, which is a pleasant surprise.
Many of us view massages as a birthday treat or for special occasions, but I realize that massage therapy can be important for those of us that carry our stress on our shoulders (literally) — science backs me up. Doctors say that massage can be beneficial because of their ability to connect your mind to your body and can help with stress management.
I know that a CBD massage can't knead my problems or anxiety away. But, choosing to put my well-being above the grind with the help of mental health day (and 80-minute massage) was just what I needed to change my inner dialogue. I have always been proactive about seeking out opportunities to grow in my career, but haven't put that same thoughtfulness into checking in with myself along the way. I'll continue to try new wellness remedies to ensure I stay in control of my life and mental health, and not allow the hustle and things I hope to accomplish in life control me.
If you're curious about CBD massages or do a self-massage, spas in Atlanta, New York, and D.C. offer them. If you're not in any of these cities, you can also purchase CBD oil online to add to your self-care regimen.
All images by Bianca Lambert / Instagram
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images
