Sex Tips For Virgins For A Pleasurable Wedding Night
Whenever I speak in churches on relationships and intimacy, something that I will sometimes ask is if there are any engaged couples in the audience. Usually, at least a few people raise their hands. After they do, my follow-up question is, "So, when are you getting married?" which is then followed with "So, I bet you can't wait to have sex…right?" Then I'll make some semi-obnoxious cheering sounds as they look at me like I've totally lost it.
I haven't. It's just that if there is ever a moment that I find to be totally beautiful for two people, it's their wedding day and their wedding night. To me, one is not more important than the other either. In fact, back in the day, Jews (Christians, remember Christ was Jewish so Hebrew culture is relevant) didn't even start the reception until the newly-married couple went into a back room and had sex for the first time. To them, no wedding ceremony was complete until they consummated their union (which is literally what consummate means—to complete).
Unfortunately, a lot of couples don't see the value in making sex on their wedding night a top priority. I say that because (SMH) less than half do. But to me, since sex should be a staple in marriage, there's no time like the first night of officially being husband and wife to set the foundation of a happy and healthy sex life.
If you're engaged, whether you are a virgin (if so, you have my full and total respect!) or not, here are some tips to make your wedding night more relaxed, more comfortable, and even more of a beautiful experience for you and yours.
Be Honest with Your Spouse
I've got two stories for this. Both are certifiable.
First, I went to high school with someone who was mad sexually-active. But when it came time for her to get married, she told her husband that she was a virgin, claiming that since she was a "born again virgin", her past promiscuity shouldn't matter. Listen, I haven't had sex in 12 years but I'm still not a virgin. You're a virgin one time. After that, you may be abstinent but a virgin you are not.
Second story. A husband once told me that while he was in premarital counseling with his then-fiancee, the topic of oral sex came up. He mentioned that it was extremely important for him to receive it. She claimed that fellatio was one of her favorite things to do. Eight years into their union, he got head (count it) twice. TWICE. He ended up cheating. And before you say there was no justification for that, ask yourself if there was any justification for her lying in the first place. Both are problematic to me.
Moral to the story, a part of what comes with marriage is signing up for only having sex with your spouse for the rest of your life. If there is anyone who needs to know who you really are, what you need and expect, and how you really feel about sex in general, it's them.
If you start off being dishonest in any way, you're already creating an unstable foundation as far as the intimacy in your marriage is concerned.
If You're a Virgin, Invest in this Wedding Night Guide
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I personally know quite a few virgins. One will be 50 this year. The only reason why I'm mentioning this is because, contrary to popular belief, virgins are not rarer than rainbow unicorn sightings. Reportedly, 1 in 30 people are virgins on their wedding night (I personally know two couples that were and they've both been married for over 15 years) and out of those, 60 percent are women and (surprise, surprise) 40 percent are men.
When I counsel people who are virgins, I try and provide them with as much relatable content as possible. Thankfully, there are couples out in cyberspace who openly shared their own wedding night virginity stories (like this beautiful couple here); there are other resources too.
For instance, a woman I both dig and appreciate has a platform called The Blissful Wife. She has a survival guide for losing your virginity on your wedding night that includes how to decrease pain and bleeding along with just about anything else you can think of. Ministries come in all forms, y'all. Tell the Lord "thank you!"
Extend the Foreplay
Whether you did nothing with your partner before your wedding night, everything but intercourse or you were sexually active and decided to take a few months or weeks off in preparation for your wedding night, it's perfectly normal to be nervous. And nervousness can make it a bit more difficult to become sexually aroused. The answer? Take your time in the foreplay department.
Something that is so special and sacred about married sex (which is reportedly so much better than single sex, by the way) is you're sharing your mind, body, and spirit with someone who vowed to be with you for the rest of your life. This means there's no rush, so don't rush it. Women need about 20 minutes to warm up on an average day. If you need to tack on 20-30 more minutes to that, it's completely understandable. Besides, if you've got an unselfish lover on your hands, to him, it'll be all good to totally ignore the clock.
Make Your Own Lubrication
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If you are a virgin or you're a woman who's in menopause, natural lubrication may be a bit of an issue. Don't be embarrassed by that. It's natural. Just make sure to not go without using any or you're headed for a really uncomfortable—if not straight up painful—night. You can either purchase some lubrication at a local drugstore or, you can make some of your own. A few great recipes are here; they're all ideal, whether you opt to use condoms—or not.
Use Some Rose Essential Oil
Something else that is truly awesome about sex is it involves all of your senses, your sense of smell included. If you know that you're gonna be anxious and maybe even a little scared, apply some rose oil to your wrists, your temples, and your bedding. Not only will it help to calm and relax you, rose oil is also a libido-booster that can give you a heightened sense of self-esteem too!
Have Some Dark Chocolate, Honey, Red Wine and/or Kava Tea
One of the virgin couples I knew, I treated them to their suite on their wedding night. When one of their relatives went to clean everything up the next day, he asked me, "What was all of that food about?!" Whatever dude. First, you'd be amazed how many couples are too busy to eat at their wedding reception. Second, I know there are foods that can also help to calm the senses. And some of them? They double up as aphrodisiacs as well.
Dark chocolate increases blood circulation (including to the genital region) and lowers your blood pressure. Honey is soothing and increases testosterone and estrogen levels. Red wine replicates pheromones, making two people more aroused by each other's scent. If you'd prefer something non-alcoholic, kava tea is proven to relieve anxiety and even reduce inner fears.
Wear Something in His Favorite Color
Something that I thought was super precious about a husband I know (who was a virgin on his wedding night) is when he told me that his wife said, "What if you think my breasts aren't big enough?" His response was, "I've never seen breasts before, so if you're an A-cup or a D-cup, I'm gonna be hype regardless!" (Again, there really are some beautiful things about virginity.) If you're marrying someone who has either never had sex before or never had sex with you before, he's basically going to be thinking something pretty similar.
You are the prize—no matter the size.
But if you're feeling a little self-conscious, opt for wearing something on your wedding night that is in his favorite color. It's another tip that will help to calm you both because you can focus on presentation more than body image. Also, it will be a pleasant surprise for him because seeing our favorite colors automatically invoke joy, contentment, and peace of mind.
Get a Corner Room (or Rent an Airbnb)
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Here's another tip for virgins or people who haven't had any in a long while. There really is no tellin' how you're gonna react or respond throughout the evening, so you need the utmost of privacy. If you and yours are planning to stay in a hotel, ask for a corner room (it's quieter down there). I'm a huge bed and breakfast fan but your wedding night is NOT the night to book one of those (sometimes the walls are quite thin).
My recommendation? Either go back at y'all's place or a rent out an Airbnb. You need to be someplace where you don't have to feel self-conscious or worry about an unsolicited audience listening in, um, inadvertently.
Get into the "Right" Positions
If all you've been used to (whether lately or always) is a tampon, a penis is gonna be…quite the (eye) opener for you. Don't worry about it too much—you are fully capable of birthing an entire child from your vagina. Trust me, a penis is something you can definitely handle.
It's all about knowing how to ease into things, starting with positions that will make sex a bit more comfortable. The tried-and-true missionary position tops the list. So does spooning, being on top (because you can control the amount of penetration that you receive), and the butterfly (which is a lot like the missionary, only your hubby is sitting up and kneeling and you may or may not have a pillow underneath your backside for support).
So long as things are taken slow and easy, having sex will be a lot more comfortable for you.
Watch Who You Talk to—But Do Talk to Someone
Back when the two virgin couples that I referred to got married, I was personally still gettin' it in pretty regularly at the time. Because of that, I wasn't the most…sensitive when it came to the advice that I gave the first wife who got married. I was telling her stuff like, "Girl, you're gonna be hanging off of chandeliers!" when the reality is, first-time sex can be awkward, uncomfortable, and even a little messy. When she came back and told me that her "freaky friends" had ill-prepared her, I wised up with the second wife and told her what my first time was like. She came back like, "THANK YOU! When I saw that big ol' thing, I literally freaked out for the first three nights!"
Moral to the story, it's OK—advisable even—to talk to someone other than your soon-to-be spouse about your feelings while inquiring what to expect. Just make sure they are a safe place who will offer some insightful tips that will calm your spirits and also get you excited about ALL that is to come!
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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