June is a month of overcoming challenges, clarity, new relationship developments, and being more flexible with life. Gemini Season is underway, and when the Sun is in Gemini, we understand the depths of communication. This is a good month for connection, networking, and finding more common ground with others, and there is power in working together right now.
Venus enters Taurus on June 6 until July 4, and Venus loves being in Taurus, making love and relationship matters especially prominent this month. Venus in Taurus creates a foundation for love and romance, and it’s about planting your seeds in love, creating space for more love to enter, and nourishing what is working for your relationships right now.
Mercury enters Cancer a few days later from June 8 until June 26, and this will be bringing another focus into where your heart stands right now, and the importance of communicating that and spending more time focused on your emotional and intuitive world.
June 2025 Horoscope Overview: A Month of Clarity, Connection & Change
We have a big transit this month, and that is Jupiter's move from Gemini into Cancer on June 9. Jupiter changes signs once a year, and these more lengthy transits in the stars hold a lot of impact. With Jupiter being the benevolent planet of blessings, expansion, spirituality, wisdom, and good fortune, Cancer placements, water signs, and cardinal signs will feel the blessings of this transit a little more strongly.
With Jupiter now in Cancer until June 30, 2026, expansion is available within you, in your home space, your emotional world, and within the things that really matter to you deep down. Jupiter in Cancer brings Mother energy, and there are opportunities for feeling supported, nourished, and safe in this transit.
The Full Moon for the month is on June 11, and is a Strawberry Moon in Sagittarius. This Full Moon is eye-opening, and emotions will be worn on their sleeve. Mid-June is all about letting go of what doesn’t inspire or support your vision for your future, and having more fun with the way life is playing out for you. Mars enters Virgo on June 17 until August 6, making this a summer of getting organized, taking care of your priorities and health, healing, having more energy to do it all, and feeling inspired to create space for a new beginning.
Cancer Season officially begins on June 20, and a few days later, we have a New Moon in Cancer on June 25. This New Moon further amplifies the emotional journey this month is taking us on, and there is a new door opening here. This Cancer New Moon is about setting your intentions from your heart, spending more time with the people who make you feel loved, and about healing in the home.
Overall, June is a month where a lot is being presented, and there are some things to work through with others, but the more you can grasp what both your heart and your head are telling you, the more you can navigate this time with divine trust, power, and timing.
Read for your sun, moon, and rising sign below to see what June has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
June is a month of gathering your strength and remembering that you are worth everything you are working towards right now, Aries. This month is about picking your head up and seeing yourself the way you want others to. It’s about giving yourself the same time and care that you have been giving to other priorities, and remembering your power this month.
With the Sun in your 11th house for most of June, you are being asked to look at your dreams and inspirations as signs from the universe.
The Full Moon on June 11th is a reflection of everything you have experienced this year, and where your heart stands now. You are letting go of old versions of happiness that don’t resonate with you anymore and reclaiming your inner confidence. Jupiter forms a Square to Saturn in Aries on June 15, and it can feel like forces are working against your progress at times this month. Know that redirection is protection, and you are being asked to trust the timing of it all a little more right now.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
June is a month of victory, Taurus. You are making some major accomplishments this month, and feeling supported in doing so. This is a month of upliftment, owning your dynamic nature, and creating a new beginning in your life through accepting the gifts and blessings that are coming your way right now. With Venus in your sign for most of the month, there is love surrounding you in June, and you are looking around in gratitude.
Mars moves into Virgo and your house of romance, creativity, hobbies, happiness, and pleasure this summer, and there are a lot of exciting and heartfelt experiences ahead of you. These next few months are going to be great for you when it comes to love, self-expression, and feeling the joy of your world. On June 25, we have one of the best New Moons of the year for you to manifest by writing down your intentions or speaking them into existence. At the end of the month, it’s all about focusing on your dreams and aspirations, and knowing that you have the power to bring them to reality.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
June is a powerful month for you, and it’s your time to shine, Gemini. Gemini Season is fully underway, and good karma is coming your way right now. This is your time to find your balance, feel empowered by what has been and what is now, and to trust where the universe is guiding you. Jupiter moves out of your sign on June 5 after expanding your world for the past year, and this is helping you take a deep breath and feel a little less pressure on your shoulders.
On June 11, we have a Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are letting go of relationship dynamics or experiences that don’t serve you, and are focused more on where the support is growing in your life. This Full Moon can also highlight your financial world, and you are gaining clarity on how to feel more abundant or supported here.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
June is a beautiful month for you, Cancer. You are feeling in tune with your heart’s desires, and are being met with magic. This is a month of honoring the connections and support in your life, feeling the strength of love, and experiencing more romance and joy in your world. Jupiter enters your sign on June 5, and with the planet of blessings in your sign for the next year, you are going to be experiencing the gifts of a new beginning and are exuding main character energy this month.
Cancer Season officially begins on June 20, and you are entering this year’s Cancer Season on a high note.
You are empowered by where life and love are for you right now, and there is a strong sense of hope in your heart. With Mercury also in Cancer until June 26, this is also a good month overall for communication, networking, coming up with new ideas or insights, and feeling heard. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Cancer on June 25, and this is your time to set your intentions for how you want to physically and mentally show up in the world and be seen.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
This month, for you, Leo, is a month of change, closure, and letting the past go. You are doing some reflecting this month as you recognize where new boundaries may be needed in your world, and how to take care of your energy and your heart right now. With a Full Moon in a fellow fire sign mid-June, you are looking at things with a different perspective and feeling the need for a change. You no longer see things the way you used to, and are changing what and who you want in your life overall.
Mercury enters Leo at the end of the month on June 26 until September 1, and with Mercury in your sign for most of the Summer, you are finding your power within communication matters. It's about being completely vulnerable, open, and honest with yourself and others, to bridge that gap to forgiveness this month. At the end of the month, we have a New Moon in your 12th house of closure, and you are leaving June feeling the blessings that have come from your inner healing.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
June is all about perspective, Virgo. Your guidance for the month is to focus on where you are growing and not on where things are feeling stagnant for you. The more you can shift your energy when you feel less hopeful about things out of your control, the more you can experience the gifts of the present and the ones coming in for you. With Jupiter moving into your 11th house of friendships, aspirations, community, and dreams for the next year, you are getting real-life examples of the blessings and support available to you in life, and you are more seen and inspiring than you know.
Mars enters Virgo on June 17 until August 9, and with Mars in your sign for most of the summer, life picks up the pace for you at the end of the month. You are going to have a lot of energy to get things done and will be inspired to move forward, overcome, and take charge of your life in a new way over the next few months. You could also be seeing progress in health matters now as well. The New Moon on June 25 will be an opening for you when it comes to community and finding the people who resonate with you on a soul level.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
June is a transformative month for you, and one that changes a lot for you moving forward, Libra. Your guidance for the month is to flow with the winds of change rather than fight them, and to trust that what is leaving your life will be replaced with something better. With Venus in your 8th house this month, there is support there for you if you can ask for it, and you are exploring the depth of your relationships right now.
Love is a strong influence for you in June, but you are also learning to give yourself more of this love right now as well.
On June 11, we have a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and you are getting the answers you have been seeking. This Full Moon is about letting go of perspectives or beliefs that may have been limiting your progress, and about seeking the truth right now. The New Moon in Cancer at the end of the month on June 25 will be a good time to set your intentions for your career world and for what you want to see take place for you this summer.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
June is about taking a break and letting divine timing do its thing, Scorpio. You’ve been working hard to make your dreams come true, but right now it is about taking a moment to pause, in order for your dreams to reach you. You are getting an opportunity to reflect and plan before you make your next move, and this can be a really inspiring month for you, Scorpio. With Jupiter also moving into your 9th house this month for the next year, travel plans are being made, and things are falling through for you in the best way possible, even when you are least expecting it.
The Full Moon on June 11 is a great time for gaining clarity in financial matters, and old projects or intentions revolving around your sense of abundance are coming full circle for you now. Cancer Season officially begins on June 20, and you flow in synergy when the Sun is in a fellow water sign. With a New Moon happening in Cancer on June 25 as well, you are ending this month feeling more adventurous, in tune with your spirit, and excited about what is ahead of you. Trust your path this month, and know that you are making progress.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Your guidance for the month is to back your intentions with your actions, Sagittarius. This month is about putting the work in towards your goals and desires, and about strengthening your skill sets and perspective. You have a lot to get done and take care of this month, but these are things that you once wished to come about for you. With your ruling planet Jupiter changing signs this month as well, you are gaining some renewed support and seeing the gifts that come from committing yourself to something you care about.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on June 11, and is showing you how much you have grown this past year. Your emotions are running high, but you are feeling in tune with your intuitive world and what you feel called to let go of or move towards right now. It’s all about honoring your growth, not selling yourself short, and letting go of the past. With a New Moon in Cancer on June 25, before we end the month, this is a time of dedication, perspective, and choosing to walk on a new path that resonates more with your multifaceted self.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
June is a beautiful coming together for you, Capricorn. There is abundance, support, and growth present in your life, and you are recognizing that you don’t have to do it all alone. You are experiencing some big personal wins in your life and are enjoying sharing this abundant energy with others. With Jupiter entering your 7th house of love for the next year, you are moving into a time of seeing the gifts of connection, and more support and romance are on the way to you right now.
Mars moves into Virgo and your house of adventure this summer, and there are a lot of exciting experiences ahead of you.
These next few months are going to be great for you when it comes to travelling, expanding the mind, and feeling connected spiritually. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in your 7th house of love, and this is a good time to set your intentions for how you want to see love unfold for you this summer, and what is truly possible for you here.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
June is all about timing, Aquarius. You have some important decisions to make this month, but you also have to be prepared enough to make them. Let the answers come to you, and trust that they will, knowing that you deserve the clarity you are looking for right now. With Jupiter now in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine for the next year, you are going to see your everyday life expand and transform for the better, and you are going to see the gifts of taking care of yourself and others, and dedicating yourself to your purpose.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation on June 17, where it will remain for most of the summer, and you are on a journey of finding and owning your power right now. Your life looks a lot different at the end of the summer than it does now, and what is brought to your attention this month is the catalyst for this change. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Cancer, and this is a great time to set your intentions for your work/life balance and where you want to see progress in your everyday life.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
Pisces, June is a fast-paced month for you, and you are moving forward in strides. This month is about taking charge of your life, being you unapologetically, and allowing yourself to shine in your independence. You are feeling creative, inspired, and courageous this month, and there is a lot to do and a lot to look forward to. The most important transit of the month for you is Jupiter's move into Cancer, as the planet of blessings will be expanding your romantic world and love life over the next year. This month, you are getting glimpses of that progress, and your heart is shining.
On June 17, Mars enters Virgo and your 7th house of love for the next few months, and you are motivated by the relationships, abundance, and harmony that are possible for you now. Disagreements or conflicts are also possible, however, with Mars being the planet of war, though, if you can find a middle ground when differences or challenges arise, you can move through this time making real progress in love.
The New Moon on June 25 is another magical moment for the heart, and you are leaving the month feeling more seen, supported, and encouraged than ever.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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