A couple weeks ago, xoNecole published my piece about the cold world of singledom, and thousands of you felt that in your chests! Many co-signed with having done so much internal, and soul expanding inner work, and being ready to find a vibrational match!
Well, I took it upon myself to connect with 8 #MCM worthy men, who will not only cheer you up, and help you hold on to that #BaeGoals faith...but they'll also warm things up with their divine masculine charm, and appealing transparency!
This list will give all my Single Ladies the scoop on up and coming millennial #MCM snacks that will be flooding your timelines if they aren't already! Hold on to your ovaries ladies, this read will jumpstart your week!
1.Marshall Price
His name is Marshall Price, he's originally from Harvey, Illinois and currently living in Dallas, Texas. He's a model and actor making moves in the industry.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"What I look for most in a woman is her personality and goals. If she doesn't have anything going for herself then I can't be around. I'm a pretty busy guy, so if you're not doing nothing, or you're not doing your passion, it wouldn't work."
His Ideal Date is...
"My ideal date would be bowling, then Shellshack, followed by a walk on a pier, and comedy club."
Photo by: Jarriel Jones
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"I would say my originality makes me attractive. I'm an old soul, so I like to enjoy classic R&B music sometimes."
2.Everette Taylor
Everette is originally from Richmond, VA and is currently based in downtown Los Angeles. He's a serial entrepreneur at heart and has started several companies over the past 10 years. He's naturally a passionate person and enjoys seeing people he cares about be as successful and happy as possible, and he goes above and beyond to make that happen. Ultimately, he's passionate about art, creating generational wealth within the black community, building great products, mentoring youth, and helping those less fortunate than himself.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"Can we laugh together? There's nothing more that I love to do than laugh. A great sense of humor is a must and just a generally positive and joyful person. Energy is important. I look for ambition and the refusal to settle for mediocrity. Someone who just doesn't have dreams, but follows through. I look for someone who wants to build their own legacy and can stand on their own too, with or without a man."
"Outside of that, I look for someone level-headed, intelligent, willing to compromise, and believes in something bigger than themselves."
What His Ideal Date is…
"My ideal date is anything that's optimized for great conversation. That means no movies, loud bars, etc. With a focus on conversation, we leave the bullshit at home. No masked ulterior motives or disingenuous intentions. Just a transparent and free-flowing conversation with in depth answers and lots of laughs."
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"Such a hard question for me to answer because I know that it varies depending on the person and in a superficial world, success tends to attract a lot of people for the wrong reasons. Mama ain't raise no fool though. With that being said, I do believe emotional intelligence is something that works in my favor in terms of attraction. I'm hyper aware of emotions and energy from others. I pride in myself in being able to cater to that. Not in a fake way, but a compassionate and thoughtful way. I personally think that's my most attractive quality."
3.Jéan Elie
Jéan Elie is an actor and content creator from Brockton Massachusetts living in LA. You've probably seen him on Insecure playing Issa Rae's petty younger brother, Ahmal Dee. His passion is creating content that elevates the underrepresented and the understanding of relationships, mental health and growth.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"I look for women that can take a joke and just live in the moments."
What His Ideal Date is…
"My ideal date is a random outing after lunch where we just go wherever and do whatever moves us."
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"Y'all going to have to answer that one for me. My mother told me never to talk about myself like that."
Related: 'Insecure' Actor Jean Elie Talks Infidelity, Expectations and Why He's Team Lawrence
4.Lawd P
He goes by the name Lawd P, and is a hip hop musician, creator, and entrepreneur. He's currently building a lifestyle brand called Soullennial, which is centered around a distinct music culture. He's created his management company to incorporate new ideas in owning and capitalizing off our creativity. He is passionate about music, teamwork, and love.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"A woman has to be wise. Completely trustworthy, and can lead the initiate through the process to show her man the other side. The other side is connecting with a woman physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually."
What His Ideal Date is...
"My ideal date is Smorgasburg at Prospect Park. BYOB, picnic, and you have food vendors. Everything you need all in one space. I believe in killing two birds in one stone." [winks]
Photo by: Rashida Zagon @sheedaz
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"I believe what makes me attractive is that I always find a way to go back to joy. I'm all about positivity, jokes, trust and affection. I always find a way to connect and understand a woman's perspective without my ego in the process."
5.Tyler Lepley
Tyler Lepley is known for being an actor and he's most passionate about finding different mediums for self-expression.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"I meet lots of beautiful women who seem to be on autopilot. So one thing that keeps me interested is a woman with a specific point of view."
What His Ideal Date is...
"My ideal date is anywhere near a bucket of crab legs! It's always easier to vibe when the eating is good."
Photo by: Eric Michael Roy, Stylist: Paris Libby
Related: Actor Tyler Lepley on Breaking the Stigma of Black Men and Therapy
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"Whether or not I'm attractive isn't for me to say, however, I have a passion for developing myself, and although I have feelings of insignificance at times, I do believe that through my gifts I can impact the world; and that's beautiful."
6.Terry Omi
Terry Omi holds a MBA in Business Management & Leadership and also a BS in Human Services. He has gained career experiences working in the pharmaceutical industry specializing in dermatology medication, as well as in the social services industry, working with substance abuse population, HIV/AIDS population, college prep programs, child welfare, and also as a counselor for teens in need of anger management services. In addition, he has career experiences as a media correspondent/journalist, which has led him to interviewing hundreds of business leaders, celebrities and entertainers, such as Sean "Diddy" Combs, Chris Brown, Jennifer Lopez, Migos and more!
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"The main things I look for in a woman is the fear, love, and passion for GOD. Someone who loves and appreciates her family, someone who is fuuuuuuun, open-minded, educated, creative, wise, self motivated, and is able to inspire and connect with me in many ways. It also helps if she takes pride in her appearance, is a good dancer, enjoys exercising and we're both into similar music."
What His Ideal Date is...
"My ideal 1st date would involve hearing some good music, eating great food, laughs and being in a space where we can comfortably talk and learn which ways we're able to connect and relate to one another."
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"What makes me attractive is my love for GOD, my ambition, and the fact that I can relate to people very easily."
7.Jayson Aaron
Jayson Aaron was born and raised in Los Angeles. He's an artist intent on creating things that will have a positive impact on culture.
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"If I'm interested, I'm looking at how she literally and figuratively moves through a room, her smile, sense of style, and our ease in communication. Can we be honest, can we be friends?"
What His Ideal Date is...
"Get fly, explore whatever city that we're in for a while, eat some great food, then go dance somewhere playing Afrobeats (laughs)."
Photo by: Renee Wootsen @iironic
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"What I hope people notice is my vibe. Good energy is important to me."
8.Jonathan Henderson
Jonathan is a graphic artist from New York and a Senior Manager at PF Changs on Long Island. Graphic design is his passion and he's been doing it for the past 13 years. He owns a graphic design business specializing in flyers, logos, business cards, album cover artwork, and photography. He got into modeling to mainly learn more about photography. His end goal is to end up in the entertainment industry as a graphic artist and personal photographer - and he's open to acting gigs too!
What He Finds Attractive in a Woman:
"I look for smart, educated, and independent women. I love a challenge, not one that makes it too easy for me. The older I get, the more open I become to all different types of women."
"If the vibe is there, that's all that matters."
What His Ideal Date is…
"I'm pretty simple with dates. Let's go out to a nice restaurant, grab a drink or bottle of wine, have good conversation - not all up in our phones the whole time. I've been on dates where the girl will be on her phone the whole time, and any time I tried to hold a conversation, she somehow made it about herself. That's a turn off to me. I'm all about learning about the woman I'm dating, but not when they're full of themselves. Confidence is sexy, cockiness is not."
Photo by: Marvin Bienaime
What Truly Makes Him Attractive:
"To me, I was pretty hit growing up. A lot of people use the 'Steve Urkel to Stefan' reference, but I stay very humble at the end of the day. I feel my ambition, drive, and work ethic is what makes me attractive. I like to make people laugh and always keep a positive vibe. Also inspiring others to follow their dreams and never give up no matter what setbacks get in the way. I live by the saying, 'Every setback is a set up for a major come back.' Looks aren't everything at the end of the day, but I will admit my family got some good genes...I can't complain about that! (Laughs)"
Featured image of Marshall Price by Melissa Allison Photo
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”
GiphyI can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your Past
GiphyThere is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual Needs
GiphyQuestion — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual Needs
GiphyA husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” Approach
GiphyLazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping Mechanism
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking It
GiphyI will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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Featured image by Giphy
