

8 Solid Tips For Enjoying Foods Without Guilt Or Regret
Not too long ago, someone was venting to me about how it gets on their nerves when a relatively thin person goes on and on about how "fat" they are. When they asked me if I thought it was a tactic used to bait compliments, I simply said, "You know, some folks are survivors of eating disorders, so you've gotta be careful with your responses."
I'm introing this article this way because, like our relationship with people, oftentimes our relationship with food can be layered and quite complex. Our upbringing plays a role. The media plays a role. Our body image plays a role. Our mental and emotional health play a role. What our systems may be lacking at any given time plays a role. And unless we process all of this from a healthy and balanced perspective, it can be really easy to bring some level of guilt or regret into the dynamic whenever we sit down to have a meal.
Let's get free from the ties that bond today, OK? While a topic as complex as this can only be broached on a semi-surface level in one article, I really do hope that the following eight "hacks" can make your own experiences with foods less about shame and more about joy — because you deserve for them to be.
1. Accept That We All Have a Relationship with Food
Like I just said, we all have a relationship with food. And, like virtually all relationships, sometimes there are going to be good days. Other times, not so much. So, just how can you know if you and food are in a great spot? It's really about approaching food from a levelheaded and practical perspective. You don't rely on food to make you feel good (more on that in a sec). You don't find yourself being extreme (either eating tons of what isn't good for you or depriving yourself of certain things that make you happy). You also don't allow yourself to make food define your worth or value. You also are forgiving when it comes to you and food. What I mean by that is, if you go on a diet and break it, it doesn't totally devastate you or, if you're trying vegetarianism or veganismand you have meat sometimes, you don't feel riddled with shame. In short, you know that even when it comes to food, grace has to be extended.
Wanna know another sign of having a good relationship with food? You don't isolate your feelings. You don't lie to yourself and say that you're the only one who has good days and bad days. You also know that it's OK to share with those who care about you the thoughts that you may be having about food.
No relationship is easy all of the time. Yet what we need in our lives, we find a way to work through. We definitely need food and so, a good relationship provides space to figure out how to see food from a healthy perspective while also offering up self-compassion on the not-so-good-days — knowing that there will be some.
2. Ponder If You’re an Emotional Eater. Or Not.
There's someone I know who, over the years, has caused me to see emotional eating in a bit of a different light. It's because she is very open about the fact that the state of her marriage can cause her to put on or lose 25 pounds (literally), depending on how things are going. Matter of fact, whenever I see her on the heavier side, she will casually say, "Girl, you know I'm an emotional eater and he stresses me out."
What she should do about her marriage is another topic for another time. For now, let's hit on some pretty telling signs of an emotional eater. Someone who comforts themselves through food is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats more when they are stressed out or anxious is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats, even when they are full, because it helps them to deal or distracts them from dealing with a particular matter at hand is typically an emotional eater. Someone who almost sees food as a friend is typically an emotional eater. Someone who uses profoundly intense words to express their relationship with food (words like love, tempted, obsessed, guilt, drawn to it) is typically an emotional eater.
The problem with all of this is, once you start leaning over into this way of thinking and feeling, you tend to become more attached to food than you should be. Instead of it being a necessary substance for your survival, you rely on it as a coping mechanism. And when you become this food dependent, there's a chance that feelings of guilt or regret will occur.
The thing about this particular point is it's not really something that you can "get a hold on" all by yourself (which is why the person I was talking about remains on a constant "weight loop"). So, if you happen to see yourself here, schedule an appointment with a reputable therapist/counselor and also a nutritionist. They can help you to see food from a more productive perspective, so that you can enjoy it more than rely on it.
3. Let Up on Yourself, the Week Before Your Period
If you and food are pretty good other than a week or so before your period, girl, let that ish go. There is a legitimately scientific reason for why you may want stacks of pancakes every morning and a plate of fries every night. It's because your estrogen and progesterone levels are all over the place. Not only that but when you eat starches and sugars, it can give you a serotonin surge which can actually make you feel happy, at least for a little while, when you are PMS'ing. So, while this is no excuse to totally go ham, what I am saying is if you've got cravings around your period, there is no reason to feel guilty about that. If there's one thing that is pretty universal with women when it comes to food, this would be it.
4. Give Yourself “Cheat Days”
Whenever folks talk about developing better eating habits and then they say something like "I'm never gonna eat such-and-such again," unless it's something that is super bad for them (soda immediately comes to mind), I'm kinda like, "why?" Life is too short to not have a scoop of your favorite ice cream, a slice of your favorite pizza or whatever else brings you joy from time to time. That said, there's no reason to totally deprive yourself. The answer is to give yourself a cheat day — you know, a day in the week when you actually give yourself permission to indulge in some of your faves without feeling any guilt about it. If you come at certain foods from this perspective, there will be no reason for shame or regret because you will still feel like you are in control of things. You set (for instance) Saturday aside, by design, so that you can sit back and eat what you want without having to second guess it later.
5. Don’t Always “Reward Yourself” with Food
I honestly can't remember how many times I've written an article for this platform and not referenced enjoying some ice cream in it (like this one, for example). That's how much I like the stuff. That's why, I would absolutely be a total hypocrite if I said that it's 100 percent wrong to reward yourself with food sometimes. However, in the context of this particular piece, I think the wiser focus would be to "treat yourself" from time to time with food rather than all out reward yourself.
Here's why.
If every time you set a goal and reach it or make a commitment (even to yourself) and keep it and you eat as a way to pat yourself on the back, it can cause you to create some pretty unhealthy eating habits. Because after all, how many of us are out here rewarding ourselves with a salad, right? Plus, approaching things this way can program your mind to think that food is the pinnacle prize for "good behavior".
While something sweet or delectable can be cool sometimes, strive to be more intentional about rewarding yourself in other ways. Go on a trip. Purchase those pumps you've been eyeing. Have an at-home pampering day. Spend a night in a swanky hotel room. Do absolutely nothing one weekend. Again, food is great. Delicious too. Still, when it comes to rewarding yourself, put forth the effort to think outside of the box. There are a ton of other ways to celebrate yourself. Ways that won't possibly make you feel bad after you do them.
6. Cook More Often
Maybe you feel guilty because you are constantly spending money by going out to eat or sitting through drive-thrus. The best way to remedy this is to cook at home more often. As someone who cooks, at least five days a week, I'm here to tell you that once you get into the swing of it, it's hard to not get totally hooked. After all, cooking is proven to be healthier, far more cost-effective, it saves time, can help you to lose weight (because you can control the portions) and, if you do it with loved ones, it's a fun way to spend quality time too.
There have been times when I've ordered a salmon Caesar salad to be delivered to my house and guess what? Afterwards (sometimes even during), I felt guilty for doing so. Why? Because the delivery fees were high as hell (plus, I like to tip well) and, sometimes, it wasn't prepared to my liking either. So, in the back of my mind, all I could think is, "I should've just made this myself." Not to say that eating out is bad or wrong. I'm just saying that if you tend to experience what I just said, there's a high probability that cooking at home can instantly remedy that. Try it. It just might surprise you.
7. Remember That Being Healthy Is the Top Priority
Please hear me, loud and clear on this point. There are some thin people with clogged arteries. There are some not-so-thin people who are in great physical condition. That's why I'm not big on talking about size so much as the word "healthy". You know, on the topic of guilt, I once read that two of the problems that arise from it is it can cause you to constantly punish yourself and prevent you from fully embracing and enjoying your life. You don't need to give food that much power. So, if the reason why you struggle with guilt and regret is because you think you should look like someone on an IG profile or magazine blog, please let yourself off of the hook. For one thing, filters, Photoshop and cosmetic surgery run in abundance in these streets and besides — we all need to eat in order to be healthy more than anything else.
If you need some help understanding what that requires, this is another dynamic where a nutritionist can be of great service. If you'd like to know how to begin your search, a Black, female, registered dietician nutritionist by the name of Marisa Moore published an article on her site entitled "Black Nutritionists You Need to Know" earlier this year. I'm thinking it can at least point you into the right direction.
8. Keep Everything in Balance
An author by the name of Joshua Osenga once said, "Balance is a feeling derived from being whole and complete; it's a sense of harmony." I totally agree and you know what? When it comes to achieving balance as it relates to your relationship with food, it's also really important to ponder if things are a little out of balance when it comes to other areas of your life. Because oftentimes, what we do physically is an extension of things that are going on (or not transpiring) mentally, emotionally, relationally, financially or even spiritually. This means if those areas are straight, we oftentimes see food from a more holistic perspective.
So, before you beat yourself up for the way you've been eating lately, do some journaling about how you've been feeling or what you've been experiencing overall. If things seem chaotic, confusing or overwhelming, tend to those areas specifically. I'd be really surprised if that doesn't alter your eating patterns, so that balance can be restored.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masterdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masterdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masterdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masterdating All About?
Getty Images
Masterdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masterdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masterdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masterdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masterdating
Getty Images
1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masterdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masterdating
Getty Images
So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masterdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masterdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FOTOGRAFIA, INC./Getty Images