When it comes to living a life of purpose, hands down, one of my favorite quotes is by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." It truly can’t be said enough that being consumed by only what makes you happy could actually have you out here NOT living your best life. Why? Because happiness is fleeting, oftentimes fickle, and sometimes even selfish.
Living out your purpose, though — even when it means doing some things that will sometimes make you uncomfortable, requires great sacrifices and encourages you to grow in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise. That will always and forever be worth it. Why? Because fulfilling your purpose is why you’re here. Literally.
So, as you’re in the process of looking over these past 12 months in preparation for the next 12 that lie ahead, I want to urge you to have a conversation with yourself — yes, about your purpose. Because if you make the time to focus on it, above all else, I believe that it will boost your self-esteem and confidence, help you to concentrate on things that truly matter in the now and for the future, and it will cause you to effectively realign your priorities too.
Are you ready to pull out your journal (or phone so that you can record some voice notes) so that you can do some very necessary purpose-themed soul-searching?
What Is My Purpose?
Unsplash
Former UN secretary Kofi Annan once said, “To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.” I really like this quote because it’s a reminder that 1) when it comes to the quality of life that we end up having, most of it has to do with the choices that we make, and 2) you can’t choose as well as you should if you don’t factor your purpose into your decisions.
Y’all, for as long as I have breath in my body, I will declare that NOTHING and NO ONE should cause you to compromise your purpose because, by definition, your purpose is “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” So, before you close this year out, be honest: Do you know what your purpose is? If you don’t, this is the season to be super intentional about figuring it out. For starters, you can do that by asking yourself the following questions:
- What are you passionate about?
- What problems do you want to solve?
- What puts you into a state of bliss?
- What causes you to completely lose track of time?
- What do you do rather easily that is a semi-struggle for others?
- What almost seamlessly incorporates your gifts as well as your talents?
- What brings out the best in your entire being: mind, body, and spirit?
- What do you enjoy that isn’t solely or even mostly motivated by money?
- What feels like it spiritually elevates you and results in you helping others?
- What would cause you to leave behind a legacy that you can be proud of?
So many people are out here in the wrong job, with the wrong person, doing the wrong things with their time and it’s all because they prioritize everything in life BUT their purpose — and that is truly tragic. Again, if you don’t know your purpose, now is the time to figure it out (even if that means getting a life coach for a season). However, if you do, write a mission statement for what you want to do within your purpose this coming year.
Which brings me to the next point.
What Have I Done This Year to Elevate My Purpose?
Unsplash
Another definition of purpose is “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal” — and indeed, one of my favorite things about living a life in and on purpose is that purpose will never keep you stagnant; it will always motivate and inspire you to come up with new ideas, plans, and missions. And so, as you reflect on the past 12 months, what are (at least) five things that you can say you did to elevate your purpose?
For example, because I am someone who also believes that you should be able to explain/express your purpose in three words or phrases, and since mine are “marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath,” the five things that I did to “go to a higher place” (elevate) in those areas is to write another book, get more clients, pick some platforms to support that share a similar agenda, do more podcast interviews (to get the word about my purpose out) and I’m building a site as well.
When you know what your purpose is, you also know that amplifying its voice isn’t about you; it’s about bettering mankind in the way that you were specifically and specially created to do. Jotting down some distinct ways that you took your own purpose to another level will help you acknowledge some areas of growth and provide insight into what you need to do for the next 12-month cycle.
What People, Places, Things and/or Ideas Complement My Purpose?
Getty Images
When it comes to making wise life choices, “complement” truly is one of my all-time favorite words (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”). Y’all, it takes a lot of self-awareness, maturity, and even self-surrender to accept the fact that you can love and like a lot of people and things in this life that you really shouldn’t take along in your journey (at least on an intimate level) if they are not going to complement your purpose. When someone or something complements you, by definition, they literally help to complete you.
No, not in the rom-com kind of way. It’s more like they are puzzle pieces that fit well into your overall life picture; they do this by 1) providing encouragement and/or support; 2) being the “work” friends that Aristotle spoke of (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility,’ ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”) and/or; 3) holding you accountable to your purpose-related goals and/or; 4) offering connections and/or resources that will aid in fulfilling your purpose and/or; 5) helping you in ways that keep spiritually grounded and emotionally healthy and/or, 6) fueling you to keep going in your purpose.
I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with who have struggled, A LOT, and a big part of it is because they chose a partner who they deeply care about yet doesn’t even begin to complement their purpose (shoot, sometimes their partner doesn’t even respect it — SMDH). Please hear me when I say that it is a peak form of spiritual disobedience and personal betrayal to delay purpose-fulfillment for anyone or anything.
That said, the folks who have “held you down” in the purpose arena, the places, things, and ideas that have inspired you — thank the people and revisit some of the motivators. Anyone or thing who helps to keep you focused on your purpose deserves some heartfelt gratitude.
What People, Places, Things and/or Ideas Are Hindering Purpose Manifestation?
Getty Images
Ask anyone who is thriving in their purpose, and they will tell you that it came with quite a bit of sacrifice. Sacrifice is also a word that I like a lot because it literally means to give up something good for something greater — and if you read in between the lines when it comes to that, sometimes you are gonna have to release some people, places, things and/or ideas that might seem good or even feel right because they simply aren’t a good “purpose fit”…whether it’s right now or…ever.
For me, there have been some people in my life who I like a lot; still, I’ve had to shift them out of my space because they want to debate my purpose or have me prove to them what my purpose is. I don’t have time to make you believe that I know what my purpose is; that is a complete and total waste of time. An example of this is a guy friend who I had to let go because he was constantly challenging me on how much I talk about sex due to his own hang-ups on the topic; meanwhile, I’ve got married folks who are consistently telling me that they’ve received great ah-ha moments on intimacy due to my research and writing on the subject matter.
Also, there are some leisure activities that I’ve had to participate in less because they are counterproductive to my purpose. Listen, when you know that your life’s work is to (for instance) help people have a healthy marriage and sex life, you don’t need to be consuming a lot of toxic information or energy — whether it’s on or offline.
So, take a moment to reflect on who and what has been more of a hindrance than some actual help this year as it directly relates to your purpose. Just for the record, to hinder is to obstruct, prevent, burden, delay, interfere, thwart, and even slow down. Oh, and if you are currently dating someone who you know these words apply, please end the relationship. You can’t move forward, in a beneficial way, with someone who is keeping you from fulfilling your purpose instead of empowering you to do so (someone really needed to hear that, too!).
What Are Five Things That I Can Do in the Next Six Months to Benefit/Further My Purpose?
If you’ve never taken a chronotype quiz before (here), make this the day that you do. Long story short, it’s a test that helps you to learn a lot about your sleep patterns as well as the time of day when you are the most productive based on different animals: lions get most done during the morning between 8 a.m.-noon, bears, and dolphins are at their best between 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and wolves shine between noon-9 p.m.
When I discovered that I was a lion, it helped me to accomplish more because, honestly, I tend to be the most productive and focused between like 6 a.m. and 10 a.m., which is probably why I like a quote that I once read so much: “Any man who doesn’t finish half of his day’s duty by 10:00 a.m. has wasted the day.”
It came from an article that said that there are certain things that you can do to get 10 years’ worth of time within 12 months. I agree because once you know what your purpose is, how to refuel and rejuvenate your system by getting the right amount of rest and which time of the day you are most productive — you can do the following things that further your purpose on a whole ‘nother level:
Put together a plan that includes some short and long-term goals for your purpose; create a budget to get those goals accomplished; seek out some resources that will support you in executing your plan; set aside some funds to take a break from all of your “purpose work” (check out “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'”), and get an accountability partner who can check on you every six months to make sure that all of this has been properly executed.
____
A new year is literally a few moments away at this point. In the midst of all of the other plans that you may have, please put your goals for your purpose at the very top of your list.
You will never go wrong with focusing on why you were put on this planet…for such a time as this. I promise you that.
Happy (Almost) New Year, y’all!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by MilosStankovic/Getty Images
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy