![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![6 Telling Signs That You're "Convincing Yourself" To Be With Him](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNzU4MDkxNi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc4MjA0NDcwOX0.ZglK24g6t6IqmGlR6Qwk-yQGIvXQXglg_8mIPXtWjh4/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C18%2C0%2C336)
6 Telling Signs That You're "Convincing Yourself" To Be With Him
Do you ever experience moments where, after the day is done, you reflect on certain conversations that came up and you're like, "How did I find myself so passionately involved in that?" Since I work in the field of relationships, while all of this is kind of an occupational hazard for me, I must admit that a recent two-plus hour discussion about the Dwayne-Whitley-Byron (you know, from A Different World) triangle was IN-TER-EST-ING. The bottom line is a guy was talking about how much Whitley would've been better off with Byron; that even Dwayne said so. Meanwhile, I was like, while their lifestyles may have complemented one another better (at least at the time of the engagement and wedding), no one should ever have to convince themselves to be with someone else and, while Whitley was dating Byron, she did that, more times than not — including the night before and day of her (attempted) nuptials to him.
If you've never seen any of what I'm talking about before, a YouTube clip of Dwayne interrupting the ceremony is here. Yet honestly, even if you are totally unaware of what I'm talking about or you're not a fan of the show (what in the world?!), all of what I'm saying is really just a backdrop of the topic that we're gonna tackle today. Because between those three and a lot of my clients, I can assure you that far too many people make it a point and practice to convince their own selves to romantically remain with someone. And if you bear with me, I'm about to share how and why that's so not a good thing. Not. At. All.
SIGN #1: You’re “Aight” Yet Not Satisfied
Listen, I will be the first to say that one of the biggest problems that a lot of people have is they worship the god of "being happy" instead of focusing on saying and doing what will make and keep them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I'm so resolved about this, in fact, that I recently wrote an article about it for this platform entitled, "I've Got 6 Solid Reasons To Put Being 'Healthy' Over Being 'Happy.'" Along these same lines, I also believe that many people end up sabotaging what could be really solid relationships because they spend way too much time having a "fairy tale mentality" instead of approaching things from a realistic point of view. And when it comes to this particular point, what I mean by that is it is extremely unrealistic to believe that you are going to get everything that you want from another person (or that you'll be able to provide that for them). At the same time, I'm all about folks making sure that they feel satisfied with where they are and who they are with.
Feeling satisfied isn't about every whim being met. Feeling satisfied is about feeling content and content is about being good with the way things are, having peace of mind, and being willing to fully accept the circumstances that you are in — not one of these things…all of them. Something that I tell many of my clients is if you're constantly trying to change someone, if you can't relax and be present in your relationship, and/or if you are always complaining about your situation, yet you then turn around and say your relationship is on solid ground, you are in a serious state of self-denial.
Far too many of us are out here treading in water instead of swimming, even when it comes to relationships. It really can't be said enough that satisfaction should be a state of mind that all of us should be in when it comes to who we are with. Are you?
SIGN #2: You Love…You’re Not IN LOVE
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference." One of the points I hit on is the fact that, by definition, you can't really be "in love with" someone alone. That's because the word "in" literally means "in or into some place, position, state, relation, etc." while "with" means "accompanied by; accompanying". So yeah, for two people to be in an "in love" situation, both parties have to be on the same page.
That doesn't mean you can't love someone on your own, though. And sometimes, that love can cause us to think that we're in love; especially if the person we're with feels stronger about us than we do. Case in point. A wife that I know has been struggling in her marriage, shoot, since day one. When I asked her why she isn't more aggressive about requiring that her husband get help (there's no abuse; he's just someone in need of some therapy to get some real emotional intelligence going), she said, "I don't know. I do know that I'm in love with him, though." I challenged that by asking, "If the two of you didn't have kids together, would you stay?" and when she said, "Probably not," I said, "Most of the people I know who are in love are, come hell or high water. So, are you in love? Are you really?" She was silent after that.
I should've said in the intro of this that this article is mostly for singles (meaning if your current tax records reflect that as being your relational status) because the advice that I have for married folks on a subject like this is very different because I see that kind of relationship very differently (check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?"). What I will say, for now, is "love" is not the same as "in love" and if you have to tell yourself otherwise, you are someone who should read this article all the way through.
You know, a wife once told me that the night before her wedding, to her second husband (who is now an ex-husband), she knew she wasn't in love with him. When she told him that, he said, "I've got enough love for the both of us." Only people who are hooked on romance novels and Hallmark movies think that's romantic. The rest of us know that is a red flag like a mug. No one can make up for the love someone else doesn't have. So, if you've been trying to "fake the funk" in this lane…one way or another, a crash is up ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're either loving or in love. Which is it?
SIGN #3: You Defend the Relationship More than Praise It
Some of y'all are in a ridiculous pattern and you know it. On one hand, you want your friends to totally have your back as you constantly complain about your partner and the issues within your relationship. Then, when you're over it (or you've at least convinced yourself to be that way), you want them to act like they didn't hear all of what you just said. And while you're now trying to convince them, for the umpteenth time, that things really are better than what you said that they were, just a few days ago, your homies are like, "Yeah. OK, girl."
A part of what comes with being a good friend is supporting your tribe. No doubt. A part of what comes with being a mature human being is truly getting that relationships have ups and downs, no doubt about it. Still, if your peeps are really paying attention, they are going to take note of how much you are complaining and then defending your relationship as opposed to singing the praises of your guy and how things are going. And listen, if the split tends to consistently be 60/40 in the favor of complaining and defending, you already know that I'm gonna say that that ain't good. In fact, the defending that you're doing is alerting you to the fact that you're not as fulfilled as should be. Please don't ignore that.
SIGN #4: You’re Turning into a “Time Fighter”
A movie that I've watched, Lawd, who knows how many times isPrime (Meryl Streep, Uma Thurman, Bryan Greenberg). Anyway, when the main guy character's best friend finds out that he's dating a significantly older woman, he calls her a "time fighter." Now, before some of y'all get triggered to high hell, his reference has some validity to it. Sometimes, when an older woman is dating a younger man, the challenge can be that they are in two very different seasons of life. Because of that, she can end up trying to push him, manipulate him, or CONVINCE HIM to move into marriage or children before he is ready. Why? Because she doesn't have the same kind of time that he does to play around.
Another example of "time-fighting" is you have a one-, two- or five-year plan that causes you to treat your partner like an "add water and stir" type of thing. What I mean by that is, it's not so much that you think "he's" the best match for you…you simply don't want to start over and so you decide to make — and by "make", I mean force — it to work, so that you can avoid the fear of having to start all over again.
If there's one thing that you should definitely avoid, it's trying to rush time. Whether it's a marriage timeline, your biological clock (check out "Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock"), an upcoming opportunity that could require you to move out of state, or anything else that's got you feeling like you're in a race against the clock, time flying by is not a good enough reason to stay with someone or pressure them because there are many married people who will vouch for the fact that rushing to the altar can sometimes result in time standing completely still, miserably so, after saying "I do" (check out "7 Men & 7 Women Tell Me Why They Think Their Marriage Ended").
SIGN #5: You Continually Overlook That “Gut Feeling”
Gut instincts. Yes, there is something to be said for their accuracy. There is also something to be said for people who mistake "their gut" for actual projecting based on past experiences or unresolved issues (check out "When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't" and "So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy"). With that being said, I once had a boyfriend who I definitely convinced myself to be with. I wasn't attracted to him. He didn't have any money. We were good as friends yet didn't really gel so well beyond that. Yet I stayed for years because I ignored my gut saying, "He's a good guy just not my good guy" and tried to make it work because of the first part of that sentence. Then, as the whispers in my mind kept getting ignored, one day someone in my family said, "There are two things I know about [insert name here]. One, he's a really nice guy. The other is he's not for you."
I don't know what it is that causes us to want to tell our conscience or gut that it doesn't know what it's talking about because if everything was copacetic, neither would have much to say. You know, I once heard a mental health expert define our gut instinct as "having an immediate understanding of something". If you know that you've been arguing with your understanding of what you need vs. what you're settling for or what is doable vs. what is best, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? Your gut is trying to get you to realize what would be a better option. Respect it enough to silence your "pushback" and actually listen.
SIGN #6: Deep Down, You Know You’re Making Too Many Concessions
Something else that I'm a firm believer of is if a person is selfish, stubborn, unforgiving, controlling, or inflexible, they are far better off not being in a serious dynamic because, if there's one thing that a relationship requires, it's a semi-constant compromise — and sometimes, that compromise requires making some concessions. At the end of the day, all a concession means is you're willing to yield and all yielding is about is giving in…being flexible. While on the surface, this is all well and good, what you have to stay on top of is a quote by the late philanthropist Howard Hughes — "Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are."
As it applies to this particular topic, if you keep yielding either 1) without your partner doing the same on some level or 2) beyond your better judgment, you could find yourself bending to the point of literally breaking down. Because, after all, making concessions should be about doing what is needed in order to benefit the relationship overall — not damn near killing yourself, just so your partner can be happy.
I don't know any better way to close this out than with this point. If you are making so many concessions that you are losing yourself, you aren't even really at peace in your relationship or you can't remember your own wants anymore, that's another pretty telltale sign that you are convincing yourself to remain with him — and when you are losing yourself or your needs in order to keep a man, how is that possibly worth it? Like…ever? Helpful hint: IT AIN'T.
Yeah. All of that energy that you're putting yourself into convincing yourself to stay with ole' boy? How about redirecting it towards convincing yourself that you shouldn't have to do all of that. Relationships require an effort but it shouldn't be to constantly talk yourself to stay with someone. So, why are you doing it? Straight up, sis.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."