Tell me something. Whenever you hear the word “rest,” what immediately comes to mind? If you’re gonna say sleep, while that is indeed one definition, I want to encourage you to look well beyond that. By literal definition, rest is super multifaceted. It means things like “refreshing ease,” “a period of solitude or tranquility,” “mental and/or spiritual calm” and “absence of motion.” To rest is to take a breather, to get in some intentional downtime, and to relax so that you can get some well-earned relief.
People who know how to rest know how to stop long enough to be still. If that means taking a nap, so be it. If that requires disconnecting from the world for a moment, they are all about it. In short, individuals who are intentional about getting the rest that they need (and we all need it by the way) are those who tend to be very focused on living a life that is full of serenity and peace.
Okay, so keeping all of this in mind — do you get enough rest? I’ll go deeper. When you hear quotes like “Love turns work into rest” (Teresa of Avila), “Everything needs a break” (Toby Beta), and “Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you,” what goes through your mind? What do you do to make these sayings actually come to life?
If rest is something that you know you could stand to get a lot more of yet you’re not really sure how to go about doing it beyond getting 6-8 hours of sleep in, here are 10 hacks that can help to get you into the place of pause, comfort and even leisure (all of which are synonyms of the word “rest”) that you are beyond deserving of.
1. Treat Yourself
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Although it is my personal opinion that more research should be done on the benefits that come from self-pampering, I did happen upon a study that said that when working women make a point and purpose to indulge themselves, it can reduce depression symptoms. And what does self-pampering look like? Whenever I’m asked this question, I make sure to say that I think it goes beyond basic self-care (like taking a bubble bath); pampering should be about doing things that you almost feel guilty for like booking a hotel room for the weekend do nothing but finish a favorite book or scheduling a spa day that is more than just a couple of hours long (like literally the entire day).
When you decide to treat yourself, not only are you saying that you deserve to invest some time and resources into nurturing yourself on a 2.0 level, but you are also choosing to do something that helps you to get off of life’s busy train for a moment so that you can actually relax and rest. That said, when’s the last time that you’ve done it?
2. Set Firm Boundaries
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If there’s one thing that my circle knows about me, it’s that I’m gonna set and state some boundaries. Because I grew up around so many people who would completely railroad my needs and feelings, I’m sure that’s part of the reason why I’m damn near hyper-intentional about having limits now. Take my phone number, for instance. It’s pretty common knowledge that not a ton of people have it, that I would rather video chat with those who don’t (because I can Google Chat or Skype them), and if someone who does happen to have it gives it out without my permission, I will change my number and not give it to them (because…lesson learned).
Hey, see it how you want yet my life is peaceful because when my phone rings, I know it’s someone who I have invited to be in that close of proximity to me and, because I am highly selective of my world, I know that some sort of laughter, insight or reciprocity (instead of constant negativity, drama or someone draining me) is on the other end. And for me, that puts my mind, body, and spirit at rest.
That’s one of my boundaries. Yours may be something totally different. All I’m saying with this tip is make sure that you have some. As one of the quotes in the signature of one of my email accounts says, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to.” (Nick Chellsen) You’ll be amazed by how peaceful your life is when you unapologetically decide who has the character to bring peace into your life vs. who…doesn’t.
3. Take (More) Power Naps
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I’ve actually shared in other articles that, reportedly, 1 in 3 people do not get enough sleep on a regular basis. That’s not good (at all) because (for starters) when you’re sleep-deprived, you absolutely are robbing yourself of the opportunity to be calm, relaxed, and peaceful. In fact, sleep deprivation is tied to things like anxiety, moodiness, poor judgment, not being able to read others’ emotions well, and just an overall sucky quality of life.
What can you do to help yourself out in this area? Take some power naps. Making the time to nap for 10-30 minutes (no more or less than that if you want to get the best results of one), can give your system a recharge that is beneficial in all kinds of ways. Power naps help to improve your mood, make it easier for you to concentrate, and boost your memory — they simply make it easier for you to function overall (especially if you need some additional “oomph” to get through the end of your workday).
And how does all of this help you to ultimately get more rest? Think about it: when you’re in a good headspace, you are able to perform better; this means that you aren’t stressed out while you work and that you can complete tasks in such a thorough way that it’s easier for, not just your body to leave the office, but your mind as well.
4. Do the “4-7-8 Exercise”
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Not too long ago, while reading an article about how to breathe correctly on the American Lung Association’s website, I took special note of how it is not just important to breathe through the nose; we should also take a good amount of air in through our stomach too. That got me thinking about when I first got introduced to what is known as the 4-7-8 exercise.
If you’re not familiar, basically what you do is take in new air for 4 seconds before holding it for 7 seconds and then slowly releasing it for 8 seconds. Why would you do this? Well, if you’re someone who struggles with feeling nervous or anxious, it can help with that. Another benefit is it’s a wise move to make before turning in at night because it calms your senses, lowers your blood pressure, and stimulates your body to produce more melatonin within your system. An additional perk is that some health professionals say that it’s an all-natural way to decrease migraine-related discomfort (if that’s something you struggle with).
You can’t rest if you can’t relax and you can’t fully relax without knowing how to breathe properly. Try this hack out and see if it doesn’t improve things for you, physically, on a few different levels.
5. Put Some Sandalwood on Your Pressure Points
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If you like scents that are reminiscent of wood or amber with a hint of sweetness, sandalwood is gonna be right up your alley. And here’s the thing about it — there are physical and mental benefits that directly come from applying it to your body. From a resting standpoint, sandalwood helps to decrease anxiety levels. If it’s mixed with lavender oil, it can lower your cortisol levels as well. Since sandalwood also contains some pretty impressive anti-inflammatory properties, it can help you to sleep better (because inflammation and sleep deprivation are actually linked). Not to mention that if a part of what keeps you from being in a peaceful state is you’ve got some skin irritation or a skin-related issue like eczema or psoriasis going on, sandalwood is able to soothe that too.
And here’s the thing: if you apply some sandalwood to a pressure point like the top of your inner ear, the middle of your forehead, or the spot at the base of your thumb and gentle press, that can relax you even quicker because those are points on the body that help to relieve anxiety. Yep. Sandalwood for the win, everyone.
6. Play Board Games
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While more and more folks are out here giving younger and younger kids phones so that they can "fit in," studies reveal that longer screen time only increases a child’s chances of experiencing anxiety and depression. And while we’re on the topic of “unplugging” — when’s the last time that you played a board game? Aside from the fact that they increase your confidence levels while also being a lot of fun, board games can also help improve your mental health and reduce stress too. So, if you and your bae are a little tense these days or everyone in your house could stand to take a chill pill, pull a board game out. You might be surprised by how much more relaxed you will feel after doing so.
7. Have Sex in the Afternoon
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Listen, I’ve been writing about the benefits of sex for quite some time now and I promise you that the more that I learn, the more it baffles me that more folks don’t highly prioritize sex far more often than they tend to do. SMDH. I mean, just the mere fact that science backs that sex produces “feel good hormones” like endorphins and oxytocin, drops stress hormones (like cortisol) and directly promotes rest and relaxation — -these points alone should be enough of a reason to get some in, just as much as you possibly can!
And why am I shouting out the afternoon as opposed to the common go-to (at night) or even morning sex? Well, not only do people tend to be more energetic and mindful during coitus if it happens in the middle of the day, but sex during that intensifies your senses, complements a man’s surge of estrogen (which will make him want to cuddle more) and it makes things more spontaneous as well.
And just what time of day should you be trying to make all of this happen? Somewhere around 3 p.m. is good. I guess based on whatever time zone you’re in. #Elmoshrug
8. Drink Some Coconut Water
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If you’re like me and you think that water tastes like wet air, have you ever tried hydrating yourself with the help of some coconut water? Since it’s a good source of potassium and antioxidants, coconut water can do wonders if you’re looking for something that will help to settle your nerves, if you’re feeling a little frazzled, or if you need a bit of help with concentrating.
So, sip on some coconut water straight or treat yourself to a mocktail that contains it as a main ingredient. You can try out some delicious recipes by click here, here, and here.
9. Massage Your Feet (with an Essential Oil)
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While reading an article about if feet are as sensitive as hands, it reminded me to share yet another resting hack for all who are curious. Since many reports state that there are as many as 200,000 nerve endings in our feet alone, it would make all the sense in the world that reflexology (a type of massage that focuses on hands, ears, and feet especially) would be hella effective.
One of the reasons why I’m personally a fan of foot massages (even if it means that I have to give my own self one) is because it provides holistic benefits on a lot of levels. A foot massage helps reduce pain, ease digestion, and decrease eye strain — and yes, it also helps you to relax more and sleep much better.
The only thing better than a “plain” foot massage? Applying a warm carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to your feet after you’ve mixed it with an essential oil that is proven to reduce stress like lavender, bergamot, lemongrass, neroli, and ylang-ylang will significantly increase your quality of rest in record time. How? Well, when oils are applied to your feet, you are able to absorb them into your system faster.
10. Take a Full Day Off
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Personally, I’m a biblical Seventh-Day Sabbath observer. I was born into that practice and even though, I identify of a disciple (John 8:31-32) now, I still do it with not one single regret (even at the expense of losing certain job offers, etc.). Taking a full day off (Friday sunset through Saturday sunset) helps me to rest, recalibrate, and reenergize in a way that is incomparable to anything else!
Even if Scripture/Hebrew culture isn’t your thing, I still encourage you to take a full 24-hour day off to do nothing but REST. If you live alone, of course, it’s easier than if you have a family. However, having a day when you can sleep in, eat late, walk in nature, have more than one round of quickie sex — do things that are associated with ease, tranquility, and calm…that makes it so much easier to handle the demands that are outside of your sanctuary (your home).
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An author by the name of Daniel W. Josselyn once said, “Rest is not a matter of doing absolutely nothing. Rest is repair.”
The next time you need some rest, you know it and a part of you tries to talk you out of it, tell “it” to shut all the way up. You are doing no one any good if you’re not actively repairing yourself by resting.
Words to (always) live by.
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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