So, as I’m in the process of finishing up my next book, there is a good amount of content on what I used to think a friend was vs. how I define friendship now. As I was walking down memory lane of some, “What the hell was that?!” relational dynamics, I thought about how a few folks have told me, over the past year or so, that some of the friendships they thought they would be old and gray with are either nonexistent or not anywhere close to what it used to be.
Geeze. Ain’t it wild how some of the folks who you thought would be in your world for the rest of your life end up not even functioning in the same universe as you? And when you stop and look back on it, although there were probably a few things that you kept overlooking for the sake of keeping them around, there is probably one main thing that had you be like, “You know what? Enough is enough at this point.”
Why Do Friendships End?
Today, 12 women are going to share what their own final straw is. My motive for even bringing this up is because life is all about choices (did you know that we typically make between 33,000-35,000 decisions every single day?!), and one of the most potentially life-altering ones that you will ever make is who you choose to share your life with and influence your world by.
That said, you’ve got someone very close to you who you’re unsure about; maybe one (or more) of these experiences will provide you with the clarity that you seek — because time is precious…with relationships, we must use it very wisely.
*Middle names are always used in this type of content so that people can speak freely.*
12 Women Reflect On Why Their Friendships Ended
1. Reneé. 31. Friendship Ended After 10 Years.
Giphy“You ever had a friend who is just a lot of work? They’re fun, they’re funny and you have a good time with them. But you’re always their emergency contact — and it has nothing to do with their physical health. I just got tired of her always being in a crisis and never wanting advice about how to get out of her BS.
"She thinks that being a real friend means that you cosign on whatever she does and then that you bail her out whenever she does it. When you’re in college, it’s funny. Get past that age, and it’s draining.”
2. Angeleeya. 36. Friendship Ended After 20 Years.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, ‘no person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence or denies your right to grow’ by Alice Walker. My friend hates accountability, so she demands my silence. She’s always making poor decisions, which keeps me in a headspace that I don’t like to be in, which is denying my right to grow. I look back and think about how much time I wasted thinking that I was helping her when it was more like I was enabling her life.
"Now that she’s gone, I have more time to pour into me and my own needs. I miss her but not enough to give up what I got because I let her go — myself.”
3. Waverly. 28. Friendship Ended After Three Years.
Giphy“When I was single, my friend and I were fine. I can’t think of one fight that we ever had. When I got with my [now] husband, it was a little awkward; I thought we just needed to adjust things a bit. When that girl paid for her bridesmaid dress at the last minute, was a no-show at the rehearsal dinner, and came late to the wedding, and then was passive-aggressive the entire day — she didn’t wish me well, and I knew it. I waited until a few months to see if things would get better, but she barely called and had an attitude when she did.
"My husband said, ‘We can’t have people around who aren’t happy for us’ and I agreed. I tried to talk to her about it, and she kept saying we could talk later. Later turned into never. My number has changed, and I am fine with that.”
4. Mycah. 40. Friendship Ended After 9 Years.
“Have you ever had a friend who refuses to apologize but they want you to do it all of the time? They can do big s-it, and you should overlook it, but if you accidentally hang up on them while they’re in mid-sentence, they’re going to hold a grudge until you acknowledge it? That’s what my former best friend was like. Your best friend shouldn’t be so emotionally high-maintenance that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace.
"Pretty much all of my other friendships are way easier and, at 40, if it’s going to be more difficult than it needs to be, I don’t want it — especially when it comes to dealing with other people.”
5. Chell. 26. Friendship Ended After Five Years.
Giphy“Don’t date a friend unless you both are on the same page about it. I lost my best guy friend because I developed feelings for him, and he was physically attracted to me. We decided to see if we could date, but I was emotionally ‘ahead’ of him. So when things turned sexual, I started to want something more, and he just wanted us to remain friends who had sex.
"I began to resent him, and that made him pull back. About six months in, our friendship became a weight. We’re still cordial — even a step up from that. We’ll never be what we were. It wasn’t worth it.”
6. Brayleigh. 43. Friendship Ended After 10 Years.
“I once had a very close girlfriend who just doesn’t take initiative. As long as I’m doing the calling, the planning of hanging out or taking girlfriend trips, she’s all about it — but if I am quiet and still, she can easily go weeks without us speaking. I know some people say that they can do friendship that way, but it annoys me; not just to do most of the work but that you think we should be each other’s closest reliable source and you’ll only connect with me if I put in the effort to connect with you.
"When I brought it up to her, what ‘took it there’ was her telling me that I was ‘a lot’ and ‘insecure.’ I think another thing that your closest friend should be is a place where you can be your most vulnerable. If I have to chase you down and get attacked when I share my feelings or something that you don’t want to hear about yourself, why are we even friends? She couldn’t answer that question. That was my sign.”
7. Isha. 23. Friendship Ended After Four Years.
Giphy“My closest guy friend started dating my closest girlfriend. Neither one of them told me about it until my guy friend found out that my girlfriend cheated on him — then, all of a sudden, he wanted me to do something about it. Long story short, he caught feelings, and she didn’t, and he tried to pull some ‘birds of a feather’ psycho-babble on me and act like her decisions reflect on my character. So, he said that he didn’t trust her or really even me anymore, and that put tension on the entire dynamic.
"He didn’t take accountability for hiding it from me either. We found ourselves not having much to talk about other than her, and that got on my nerves. We’re friends. We’re not best friends anymore, though. I side-eye her a bit for not telling me, too. She’s not off of the hook either.”
8. Daphne. 31. Friendship Ended After Seven Years.
“Back when I told Shellie that I thought she was petty for not liking her friends to be friends, she just said, ‘Keep living.’ I hate that she was right because the reason why my BFF and I are no longer is because she started to become like a clone, [a] parasite, something in my other relationships. Over the last couple of years of our friendship is when my career started to soar, and the folks who I was meeting, she would insert herself into my connections and try and get as much out of them as she could.
"Not only was it selfish and shady but it had those people looking at me crazy, too. When I confronted her about it, she took it as me being jealous and threatened. I thought it was gaslighting, and we had a big fallout over it. Keeping worlds separate isn’t a bad thing. The world is big enough that people don’t have to constantly be on your coattail to get what they want in life.”
Shellie here: The article that she’s referring to is “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other.”
9. Evelyn. 30. Friendship Ended After 11 Years.
Giphy“My former friend was a liar. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like she had four or five different lives going on. She would play holier-than-thou with me and literally be in these streets with other folks. It got to the point that I couldn’t trust her because the other sides of her were so different than who she portrayed herself to be with me. I think what hurt me more than anything was her thinking that I couldn’t handle us having different values. I still think she believes that we’re not friends anymore because of that when really it’s just because she’s not a genuine person.”
10. Deelah. 29. Friendship Ended After Seven Years.
“Shellie used to tell me that if you’ve got to keep tabs on your relationships, that’s your first sign that reciprocity is lacking. I love my [former] friend and there are times when I really do miss her. I just know that if I were to ever reach out to try and fix us, nothing is going to change. I’m going to do most of the calling unless she needs something, she’s always going to find an excuse for why she dropped the ball on my birthday, and I will eventually get sick of trying to get her to listen to my problems without her making them about herself. Even when I told her that I didn’t think we could stay close friends, she played the victim role. Friendships shouldn’t be harder than a relationship. Damn.”
11. Josephine. 33. Friendship Ended After 11 Years.
Giphy“My former BFF was never that great of a communicator. When you’re friends with someone, you try and take the good with the bad. Here’s what we’re not gonna do, though: You’re not gonna be on some ‘hey girl’ when you’re in my face and then taking shots at me on social media and acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about whenever I ask you about it. That’s how she handled all of our issues — not handling them and then putting our business out on front street.
"It started to feel like I couldn’t trust her, then it started to feel like she was out to get me and ruin how people see me but play innocent the whole time. I asked her to stop handling things like that and she was like, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Since she didn’t want to respect my feelings, I had to get out of the friendship. It feels safer without her.”
12. Myla. 46. Friendship Ended After 39 Years.
“You know how they say that people are breaking up for half of the time before they get a divorce? I think the same thing about friendships. My former best friend has been in my life, most of my life, but I think we’ve been friends in name only since our late 20s. Sometimes, it’s the memories and what used to be that makes you think that you’re still bonded, but your lives don’t really mesh anymore. The final straw for me was looking at how she was as a wife and mom and it being so different from me.
"We found ourselves arguing more than taking each other’s advice or even just listening, and the more that happened, the more I realized that we had nowhere to go. Our kids are friends, and so we don’t get in the way of that, but now, it’s more like we do play dates than friendship bonding. I can’t really say it’s hard for me because I think I let her go a long time ago. The wasted time is what bothers me most because it should’ve happened before it did.”
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I know, right? All of these stories are confirmation that if anything has layers, levels, and complexities, it’s friendship — and when it comes to close friendships, if anything can impact your life in a way that nothing else can, those would be it.
That’s why I think this type of content (check out “Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?”) is important because, while ending a friendship can be hard, sometimes it really is necessary…sometimes it’s what you need to do to get to the next better thing for you.
An author by the name of Sylvester McNutt III once said, “Closure happens right after you accept that letting go is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.” If that resonates with you, maybe it’s time to end a friend chapter and begin a new narrative.
If it is, take it from me and the 12 women I spoke with — that’s okay. Beneficial even…if you both are preventing each other from having better friends and, more importantly, being the best kind of friend to yourself. If it’s time, sis — break free and get free. Ultimately, it’s worth it.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Some other beautiful things that can come from staying in the present?
1. You Can Take the Pressure Off
GiphyThere is a Scripture in the Bible that is a great way to open up the points of today’s article: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34 — NKJV)
Y’all, after the summer that I’ve had this year (check out “I've Been Estranged From My Mom For Years. She Died Last Week.” and “I Was Hired To Be An Online Life Coach. Then Got Scammed For $4K. Here's How To Avoid This.”), verses like this one have been a breath of fresh air because, although it is wise to plan for the future (of course, it is), it’s also great wisdom to choose to rest in the fact that, no matter what may be going on, all that you can do is your best from day to day.
When you really learn to embrace that reality, it really does make life far less stressful.
Which brings me to my next point.
2. You Stop Trying to Control…What Is Out of Your Control
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that back when my house burned down, three days before Christmas, back in 2021, that was a life-changing moment for me. As I watched all of the firefighters cutting into the roof, after asking the fire marshal what the cause was, I told everyone that I had a pedicure appointment and I would be back. The fire wasn’t my fault. What wasn’t destroyed by flames was jacked up by the foam and water that was used to put the fire out. And hell, I couldn’t control any of that. What I could control, though, was doing some self-care, so that I could remain as calm and focused as possible.
Y’all, obesity, heart disease, headaches, depression, anxiety, accelerated aging, premature death — all of these health-related issues are linked to stress and one of the things that stresses people out is trying to control what is literally out of their control. And honestly, that’s what makes the Serenity Prayer so impactful: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Wanna know if you’re walking in true discernment and emotional maturity? You are out here only controlling what is in your power. Straight up.
3. You Are Able to Be More Peaceful and Less Frazzled
GiphyTo be frazzled is to be worn out — and something that can absolutely wear you out is thinking about too many things at once or trying to do too many things at one time (more on the latter in a second). However, the beauty that comes with both of these things is knowing that you absolutely have the power to avoid both pitfalls by choosing to remain in the moment.
If you are having lunch with a friend, don’t worry about the conversation that you need to have with your boss tomorrow; you aren’t there yet. If you are in the process of paying your tax bill, don’t stress about rent (yet); be glad about the provision that you have to take care of the matter at hand. Why be worried about how Christmas or New Year’s at your in-laws is going to go if you’re days or weeks out from it? Focus on what you’ve got going on and how to make it pleasurable.
I’m telling you, one of the best things about living in the moment is it reminds you that if you keep your mind, body, and spirit in the present, you are able to remain so much more at peace. Where peace is, calm is. Where calm is, tranquility is. And that is an absolutely wonderful space to be (and remain) in.
4. You Can Concentrate on One Thing at a Time
GiphySomething that I know that people (especially women) like to brag about is the ability to multitask. If you’re one of those individuals, it’s time to do a bit of myth debunking. Although some studies say that people can accomplish doing a couple of things at a time fairly well, semi-recent intel is revealing that trying to accomplish more than three things at a time will typically cause you to not be as efficient or excellent at your tasks as you might think.
In fact, I recently read an article on the topic which said that when office workers are interrupted, it can take them almost 30 minutes to actually get back on track. That’s because the brain is not designed to complete more than one comprehensive task at a time.
So, you know what that means, right? By attempting to do more than one thing at a time, you’re probably not going to be as thorough, and that could result in you actually wasting time because you’ll have to go back over “it.” Yeah, I’d rather just stay in the moment and concentrate on the one thing that is before me. That way, it can be done well, and when I move on from “it,” I can move on…fully.
5. You Become More Appreciative
GiphyWhen you get a chance, check out the article, “Screen time and emotional problems in kids: A vicious circle?” from the American Psychological Association. One of the things the article said is “The study revealed that the more children engaged with electronic screens, the more likely they were to develop socioemotional problems… Conversely, children experiencing socioemotional problems were found to be more likely to turn to screens as a coping mechanism.”
Know what else is unfortunate about being too attached to technology? It can train your mind to seek out instant gratification from things (since you are able to gain instant access to so much information and entertainment) — and that can teach you to be supremely entitled and very ungrateful.
This is why I will forever-and-a-day side with interior designers who say that bedrooms are for sex and sleep ONLY. What is the tie-in? Well, if you use that room in your house for two things only, that teaches you to honor and respect those two things more. You know that when you are walking into your bedroom, there is copulation, rest, or both that is going to happen — no more, no less. And that can make you want to decorate the room with this in mind, be intentional about the kind of attitude and energy that you bring into that space — and cause you to treat your partner in a way that welcomes real and lasting intimacy for you both.
Yeah, if all that is on your mind is sex and sleep, you will choose to cultivate those moments only in there…and that can make you even more grateful, not just to the sleep and sex…but your bedroom overall, since you haven’t also turned it into an office, fun room and second sleep room for your kids and pets and another spot to be surfing the web all night long. Just sayin’.
Nothing about social media or the internet as a whole encourages you to “stay in the moment,” it beckons you to absorb as much as you possibly can in record time. And that is just one more way to drain yourself instead of relaxing and taking each moment as it comes. Prove me wrong.
6. You Can Keep Things in (Better) Perspective
GiphyThe late comedian George Carlin once said, “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.” I really like that quote because it’s a reminder that, at the end of the day, some things aren’t right or wrong; they are simply your perspective. And that’s why I encourage a lot of my clients, whenever they are discussing, debating or disagreeing with their spouse to not say, “That’s not true” but to instead reply with, “I see it differently.” It takes the ego out, and people can always hear and receive differently when humility walks into the room.
And yes, when you are determined to remain in the moment, it can help you to fine-tune your perspective. For instance, say that you are having a conversation with someone who hurt your feelings, and they are apologizing. If you stay in the past (which isn’t in the moment), you will trigger those same emotions that may make it difficult to forgive them. If you jump too far into the future, you might create problems (via hypothetical scenarios) that don’t exist by worrying about what could happen if the same thing happens again. If you remain in the present, though, you can honor how you feel in the here and now of it all and move based on that energy alone.
You’d be amazed at how much your perspective shifts based on whether or not you remain in the moment. If you don’t believe me, try it out. Hop in the comments and let me know how it played out.
7. Life Becomes More Complete
GiphyHmph. It’s kind of wild how my first comment included a Scripture, and this last one is about to as well. Hebrews 13:5(NKJV) says, “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.” Being content means being “satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.”
Now, does this mean that it’s wrong to want a new car, or a different job, or a spouse and kids someday? Of course, not. Yet as we wrap this up, it is a verse that speaks to — yep, you guessed it — staying in the moment because if you’re so caught up in “the next thing,” it can cause you to miss out on what you already have going on right now.
I promise you that if you really concentrate on being satisfied with what you already have, that can make you see all that you’ve got — and it’s probably a lot more than you realize. And when you’re in that mindset, it tends to make life feel more complete. You’ve got provision. You’ve got some good friends. You’re in your right mind. There are areas of your life that are “lacking nothing,” which is what complete means. You can also be at peace — and guess what one definition of the Hebrew word for peace (which is shalom) is? COMPLETE. Full circle.
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Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” Author Marianne Williamson once said, “The present moment, if you think about it, is the only time there is. No matter what time it is, it is always now.” Author Eckhart Tolle once said, “Always say 'yes' to the present moment... Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life — and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.”
All of these are spot-on because, at the end of the day, the gift of the present is all that you have.
By remaining in the moment, that is how to make the absolute most of it.
Please make sure that you do.
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