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6 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ending Your Marriage
It's been forever since I've had a boyfriend. Whenever people ask me when I'll get another one, my running statement is "I'm too old for a BOY anything."
There's one thing that both experience and observation have taught me, it's the fact that when you're in the pattern of getting with someone, giving your all, breaking up and then getting with someone else—it can desensitize you to the sacredness of commitment on so many levels. Then, when you actually do decide to jump the broom, whether it's consciously or subconsciously, you tend to process your husband like you would a boyfriend. If things don't work out, no problem—I'll just break up with him too.
Legally, it's not that easy. If you have children, it complicates their present as well as their future (check out "Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships"). According to statistics, while approximately half of all marriages end in divorce, 67 percent of second marriages and a whopping 73 percent of third ones do. Biblically? I'll just say check out I Corinthians 7:10-11; it tends to get overlooked quite a bit.
For all of these reasons and more, once I chose to become a marriage life coach, I made sure that my emphasis was on reconciling divorced couples. It is indeed possible and, whenever it happens, it's so beautiful to see. I believe it's a lot like what Alec Baldwin's character said in the movie It's Complicated (paraphrased): "A lot of divorced people should get back together 10 years later. They were already committed and knew each other so well, but the time apart can help them to mature and grow, which will make the marriage so much better." Just something to think about.
Anyway, as a child of more-than-one-divorce and also as someone who works with divorced individuals, because I know that it can wreak havoc in ways that oftentimes aren't experienced until months or years up the pike, if you're currently married and contemplating getting a divorce yourself, I just want to encourage you to ask yourself the following six questions—first.
Have I Had Unrealistic Expectations All Along?
Ask any marriage therapist or relationship counselor and they'll tell you that one of the leading causes of divorce isn't that two people don't love each other anymore, it's that they had unrealistic expectations for their marriage to begin with.
I'll give you an example. There's a married couple that I've been working with for years now. They got married, got divorced and married each other again. For the most part, they're doing well but what I've noticed is that there are certain problems that have never gone away. The wife wishes her husband communicated more like she did (she's super-engaging while he's very direct and to the point). Meanwhile, he wishes that she were as frugal with money as he tends to be.
I've heard these issues so much that I recently said to them, "So, basically you're mad because you want your spouse to be more like you and they're not. You're trying to change them rather than accepting the differences." They agreed.
You'd be amazed how many people wanted to marry a carbon copy of themselves. Not only is that super unrealistic, it's typically counterproductive too. How do you grow by being in a relationship with someone who is just like you? How do you get stretched without any challenges along the way?
So yeah, if you're currently contemplating divorce, please ask yourself if your expectations—whether it was wanting your spouse to be your Siamese twin, that marriage was gonna be like your favorite love story or something else—not being what you wanted is the real reason why you want to end your union.
Was I Ill-Prepared for the Different Seasons of Marriage?
A book that I recommend every married couple have in their possession isThe Four Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage (if you're already separated,Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by the same author is also good). It's a reminder that like everything in life, there are seasons in marriage. It's not always gonna be sunny and it's not only gonna be rainy either. When a season approaches that's unpleasant, sometimes all we can do is prepare and wait it out.
For the record, I'm not saying this applies to abuse. I'm speaking to the folks who thought that marriage was supposed to be happy feelings times 10, all day, every day. And yes, there are people who are just like this. I can't tell you how many times a person has told me that they are leaving their marriage because it doesn't make them as happy as they want to be. Meanwhile, their job doesn't make them happy all of the time but they still go to work and their kids don't make them happy all of the time but no one is putting anyone up for adoption. When it comes to those things, somehow, they find a way to make it work.
When marriage has an uncomfortable season, why isn't it received with this same kind of commitment and tenacity?
What Could I Personally Stand to Improve?
A wise man once said that if you really want to see yourself, look inside the mirror of marriage. There is some powerful wisdom within those words. That said, I know some of y'all aren't gonna wanna hear this but sometimes the hardest part about staying married is it reveals to you YOUR flaws. It's easier to live alone and have a biased perspective of yourself than to stick things out with your spouse and let them and your marriage refine and improve you in areas where you wouldn't have any other way.
To tell you the truth, I think this is part of the reason why divorce statistics only go up with each remarriage. Far too many people are thinking about what their ex needed to change about themselves rather than looking within to see what they could stand to improve, where they went wrong. As a result, they take their same selves into marriage 2, 4 and 10, which usually results in them having some of the same relational issues they've always had. Yeah, that's not good.
No joke, when I ask about 80 percent of the couples who are on the brink of divorce about what's wrong in their marriage, they always say what the other person needs to do differently. Very few are self-aware (and humble) enough to do some self-introspection. Be honest—what side of the fence are you standing on?
Am I Listening to the Right (or Wrong) People?
I am a marriage life coach who's never been married before. We live in a world full of on-10-skepticism, so you already know there are folks who question whether or not I'm qualified. One, I'm a child of divorce; you'd be amazed the kind of insight we have. Two, the divorce rate is pretty high; I'm not so sure half of all married people are automatically insightful themselves. Three, I have heard some of the most toxic advice on marriage given by married people—everything from telling single people to never do it to advising their married friends to manipulate, lie, control…even cheat.
I recently read that Spike Lee, Michael B. Jordan and COACH are working together on a short film project about the power of our words. It's a reminder that words can make or break us. While positive ones trigger the hormone oxytocin and make us feel strong, safe and secure, negative ones encourage us to have a fight-or-flight response to situations.
As you're processing what to do about your relationship, what kinds of words are fueling you? Are you listening to people who support marriage (whether they are single, married, divorced or widowed)? Are you paying attention to couples who are willing to share how they made it through their own hard times? Or are you constantly on the phone with individuals who are gassing you up to believe that divorce is your best option?
Be careful. Words influence us. Very much so. This brings me to the next question.
Have We Tried Marriage Counseling?
We get our oil changed every 3,000 miles. But for the life of me, I can't put together why people wait until they are 48 hours out from filing for divorce before they decide to see a marriage counselor. Marriage counseling isn't something you should do only when something is going horribly wrong; it should be a proactive measure that's taken to keep everything going right. If nothing else, choose to look at a counselor as an advocate for your marriage; someone who has the insight, tools and expertise to help you with things like communication, intimacy and getting through the rough times.
How effective is counseling? One study found that 48 percent of couples in trouble admitted that their marriage significantly improved, thanks to seeing a therapist or counselor on a regular basis (which is why engaged couples should go to premarital counseling; it decreases the chances of wanting to get a divorce). Those are some pretty good results, so if this counseling isn't an approach to your relationship that you've tried, try not to make any final decisions until you do.
What Will Divorce Actually Make Better?
One more question—and please be really candid with yourself on this one. If you end your marriage, how will that make your life better? Not easier…better. If you're a parent, I've already touched on how it can affect your child in some not-so-great ways (you can read more about that here), but it can also cause problems for you emotionally, financially, physically—the list goes on and on.
Bottom line, divorce is it's not a quick fix for anything, really. So please, before doing it, really process what you're doing. All marriages have peaks and valleys. At the same time, all divorces have unforeseen challenges and consequences. Whatever you do, please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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