

In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
It's true what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and after being in a three-year long-distance relationship the love between Ijeoma and Jonathan Kola is absolutely adoring! These love birds crossed paths during freshmen year on the campus of Harvard University. Both bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the two were eager to jumpstart their college careers and take on the world. But, as fate would have it, cupid interfered and redirected their sights.
"He gave me very 'fresh off the boat' vibes. I'm from Nigeria. I was born in Nigeria, but I grew up in America and Jonathan was born in Kenya and grew up in Kenya. He came to college from Kenya. To me, he was very African," recalled a hysterical Ijeoma. Jonathan's Prince Akeem in Coming to America persona didn't scream husband material to Ijeoma right away, but Ijeoma's bubbly personality and positive spirit intrigued Jonathan instantly.
During the couple's senior year, their friendship blossomed into a full-blown relationship. After graduation, Jonathan moved across the globe to Nigeria and Ijeoma moved to New York to pursue a second degree. She admitted she wasn't thinking about marriage then, but being in a long-distance relationship really forced them to really get to know each other on an emotional level. Two years later, Jonathan moved back to the U.S. to attend graduate school in California. By the second year of their long-distance romance, Ijeoma knew she could spend eternity with Jonathan. "I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I also knew I didn't want to be long-distance," said Ijeoma. She spiced things up when she presented Jonathan with the ultimate ultimatum.
Read carefully ladies, Ijeoma told Jonathan, "If you don't propose by my birthday, we got to keep it moving." Keep it moving was clearly the last thing Jonathan wanted to do. A few days before her 25th birthday, Jonathan popped the question and the rest was history. In this installment of Our First Year, Ijeoma and Jonathan sat down with xoNecole and gave us all the details on their struggle with communication, loosening family ties, and the best advice they received during their first year of marriage. Here's what they had to say:
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
The One
Ijeoma: I don't know if there was an exact moment [when I knew he was the one]. Maybe after the second year of being long-distance. I was living in New York, and I had other options. I kind of felt like if I was willing to do this long-distance with this guy who's so far away in Nigeria at the time, then I must really care for him. I think that's when I knew he was the one. It was during that long-distance process.
Jonathan: When we started dating in college, marriage wasn't really on my radar. As we continued dating and things were working out well, it was pretty natural just to fall deeper into the relationship. Until Ijeoma said, "If you don't propose by my birthday we have to keep it moving." I was just about to graduate. I was trying to picture myself down the road. I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well."
Meet Me At The Altar
Ijeoma: After his first year of business school, which I think was the summer of 2015, he was in school in California. We were doing long-distance. He did an internship in New York, so we lived together for that summer. In general, I am not comfortable living together before marriage, but we decided to do it because of financial reasons. That process of living together made me feel I wasn't going to shack up with somebody who wasn't trying to marry me. So, I think us living together in that summer, at least from a time perspective, made me feel like marriage was the next thing that we needed to do if we wanted to spend so much time together. If we wanted to be together all day and create a shared space together, then we should get married. Emotionally, I was probably there before then, but I think from a practical perspective it was after that summer. I was like, oh no, we need to get married if you trying to be with me all day.
Jonathan: I think for me knowing that I could spend the rest of my life with Ijeoma in a relationship was one thing, but taking the steps to get married and formalizing that was a different thing. You can feel one way toward somebody, but still feel like in your mind this isn't the right moment to get married. It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one."
Overcoming Fears In Marriage
Ijeoma: Before getting married, I would talk to my mom about everything. So, something I believed would have to change if I wanted my marriage to be successful [was that there would have to be] things that I talk about with my husband that I don't share with the outside world because it's just between us. I have to train my mind to remember he is my family now. Sharing goods new with him is sufficient, and I don't need to go talk to my mom. Even when I'm looking for advice, it's okay for things just to be between him and I. I think that is what I was most worried about--whether I would be able to keep my mouth shut and not reveal all our business to my parents and to my other friends. I'm doing an okay job.
Jonathan: My biggest fear going into marriage was probably my biggest default--that was my trajectory. In my mind, from day one when I left Kenya, I thought I was going to move back and get a job. When you meet someone and make a commitment, all that stuff kind of goes out the window. In my mind, all those things that I wanted to do, I had to reevaluate. That was scary. Then I realized, marriage is two people coming together and being able to bring different goals and perspectives and trying to make it workable for both. I think it's something we are still working on, and we are taking short-term steps to see how we work. I think it is one of those challenges you face in marriage to become one.
Conflict Resolution
Ijeoma: For me, similarly, it's communication but on the opposite side of the spectrum. Growing up, I saw from my mom interestingly, not even from my dad, but my mom's style of communication to anyone was pretty abrasive when she is upset. Early on, I would raise my voice. Which would only be exaggerated when he would close the door, and go somewhere and not talk to me for three hours. I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Although that might work for me and make me feel good, that might not be what the other person is ready to hear. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication.
Jonathan: Whenever I'm pissed off, my initial reaction is not to tell her why I am pissed off. I just like to scowl at her for a couple of hours. It's not a good thing and I recognize that. That's one area where I'm trying to be better. Getting over things more quickly.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication."
Important Lessons In Marriage
Ijeoma: I actually learned a lot about myself. Loving him has taught me that I am capable of doing things I didn't think I was capable of doing. He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way. The only reason I was able to finish is because I was able to let go of the traditional understanding of getting a Ph.D., going to conferences, and writing papers. He encouraged me to look beyond the typical traditional task and forge my own path, and do it in a way that would make me happy and fulfill my needs. That was the only way I was able to get it done. His support showed me that I am really, really strong and I can do a lot of things.
Jonathan: For me, [I've learned] everything is a choice. The way you respond to things is a choice. Sometimes I'm just stubborn. The sun will shine the next day and life will go on. Bad behaviors that build up over time can become very toxic. Just in the state of giving good vibes and good energy, it's the little small choices that can bring the right energy. It's healthier, and you grow from it.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way."
Love Language
Ijeoma: With me, it's about trying all the love languages and seeing what sticks that day. Jonathan is pretty simple when it comes to love language. For him, acts of service and quality time are the top two. We spend a lot of time together. We are very fortunate to spend a lot of time together. I'm quite messy, so I try to do things I know will make him happy or will take a load off him. I will often take on things I know he has to do or forgot to do. We took the test before we got married which definitely helped us.
Jonathan: Some people switch up their love language. They'll tell you it's one thing, but it's another. Sometimes you just have to do all five.
Common Goals
Ijeoma: A couple of weeks before we got married, we took a weekend trip and wrote out our marriage mission statement and our marriage values. It was Jonathan's idea. I don't know where he got it from. It was actually really good! It helped set a foundation for us. Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people.
Jonathan: I wouldn't change anything she said. I want to amplify one point. It's really about making sure both of us are fulfilled and happy. As for goals, it just has to fit in the context of our marriage. If my individual goals don't fit into the context of our marriage, then I can't do it. At the end of the day, that's what's important.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people."
Favorite Advice
Ijeoma: There was a time where I was on the phone with my mom, I was cooking and Jonathan had just come home from work. I had her on speakerphone, she asked, "Is that your husband?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Okay then, bye." I told her it's okay Jonathan doesn't mind, we can keep on talking. She said, "No, your husband is home. It's now time for you to be with him and spend time with him. You and I can talk some other time." That was a super-powerful moment because as I said earlier, that was something I had to work on--prioritizing my relationship with my husband as my first earthly relationship. Once we are back in the same space, it doesn't matter who you are on the phone with, what you're doing, stop and take time for each other and spend a little bit of time together.
Jonathan: The most memorable piece of advice I got was from a cousin who said, "Whenever I travel somewhere, I should bring back something small for my wife." Whether it's a hat or makeup bag, just something random. It's such a small gesture but it goes a long way.
For more of Ijeoma and Jonathan, follow her on Instagram and read her lifestyle blog here.
Update:
Soon they'll will have to make time and space for their first bundle of joy. Congratulations are in order as Ijeoma and Jonathan welcome their first child! To learn how Ijeoma broke the news to Jonathan, watch the video below. Stay up to date as they navigate marriage and parenthood by subscribing to Ijeoma's YouTube channel.
The Kola Family Is Expanding! Pregnancy Q&Awww.youtube.com
- We Got Married Five Days After He Proposed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Dr. Carjie and Dr. Kerwin Scott - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Ray & Roslyn Singleton, Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Self-Validation, No Meals After 5 P.M. & The Wellness Rituals That Helped Lizzo Take Her Power Back
Don't let the "weight release" fool you, Lizzo's transformation wasn't just physical. It was spiritual, emotional, and deeply personal. In her Women's Health cover story, the "Good As Hell" artist opened up about the low point that became the catalyst for radical change in her life, inside and out.
In the summer of 2023, Lizzo found herself at the center of what she calls painful allegations when some of her former dancers filed a lawsuit against her. The 37-year-old singer has denied their claims, and though she has experienced "backlash my entire career," going through such legal woes coupled with public scrutiny proved to be detrimental to her mental health, leading her to one of the darkest periods of her life.
She told Women's Health, "I got very paranoid and isolated. I wasn’t even talking to my therapist. I wasn’t present. I wasn’t open. I wasn’t myself anymore."
After spending months in isolation, Lizzo, whose real name is Melissa Viviane Jefferson, decided to go to a tour stop on the Renaissance World Tour. She was nervous that the public would shun her, boo her, or reject her, but instead, she was embraced. It shifted something in her and after feeling so in the dark, she saw the light again. "It made me feel like, wow, maybe I don’t want to die," she shared with Women's Health.
"That was the kick-starter to me being like, ‘Okay, Melissa, get your ass in gear and take your f*cking life back.’"
Her first step in Operation Get Your Life Back? Cutting out the external noise. She gave her team total control of her social media and stopped looking at comments. "My validation was from external sources, people telling me they loved me, or that I look good, and accepting me," she explained. "But if that’s all I’m getting my validation from, when it changes—and it will, because people are not always going to like you—what happens? Where are you going to get your love from?"
Lizzo continued, "I can convince myself that I’m beautiful, my body fine, no matter how big or small. But reminding myself that you can’t let others tell you who you are—that was hard work."
Lizzo started going to therapy again, she started practicing quigong meditation, reading books, journaling, and doing sound baths. She released unhealthy relationships, drank echinacea tea, and began incorporating Pilates as a means to "feel sacred" and "be gentle" with herself.
But what many have interpreted as a "weight loss transformation" after she popped out sharing she met her "weight release" goal earlier this year, Lizzo has clarified that it has been something deeper for her than the aesthetic of a smaller body. "I wanted to be big-girl skinny," she told the mag. "Every big girl knows what I’m talking about. Big-girl skinny is 250 pounds." According to her, it was her back issues that inspired her to take the physical part of her wellness journey seriously.
I DID IT! #weightrelease
@lizzo I DID IT! #weightrelease
Through her friend Kelly Rowland, she linked up with her now-trainer Marvin Telp and developed a fitness regimen that prioritized strength and intention. Her weekly schedule now includes moves like single-leg deadlifts, reverse flies, and lateral lunges, along with infrared sauna sessions and cardio. Add to that a change in eating habits after realizing her vegan diet no longer served her (to be fair, she wasn't doing the vegan thing the "healthiest" way).
All the meat substitutes, bread, cashew cheese, and soy left her bloated and lightheaded, so now she's switched things up a bit to fill the nutritional gaps. When it comes to diet, it's heavy on the protein and vegetables for Lizzo. A typical day eating looks like scrambled eggs and cauliflower hash browns for breakfast, Thai chicken salad or lettuce wraps for lunch, and turkey meatloaf with greens for dinner.
She also has a strict cutoff of no meals after 5 p.m. to support her GERD and give her body the time it needs before bed to digest her food sans the acid reflux. Of her relationship with food and wellness, she told Women's Health, "There's a balance. I think that's what true health is."
Read Lizzo's full cover story with Women's Health here.
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