Why You'll Never See Kerry Washington's Kid(s) Or Relationship Status On Social Media
You want to know what I’ve learned about being a blogger on the Internet? Keep your relationship to yourself. That whole “less is more” approach? It’s true.
It’s no secret that we’re in an age of all things oversharing and social media. We share our style choices on Snapchat and our “private” dates on Instagram. We allow people that we’ve never met, yet call “friends,” into our lives daily through our words on Facebook. We’re constantly giving to others in some form on Twitter through the conversations we have with anyone who can relate to us via retweets. But what do we keep for ourselves? What do we hold sacred and is privacy valued?
As a creative, my means of an outlet is found in writing, helping me with acceptance of a situation and healing through words. A few years ago, I shared personal stories of the status of my relationship and while the intent was never for a mass following for my platform, my readership grew because of the shift in content. People found a connection to the words, but did I also give others an opportunity to connect their thoughts to my experiences?
In retrospect, I gave readers work they, too, could relate to and others, a source of entertainment, a chance to offer unwarranted insight, and a sense of entitlement. Once I stopped writing about the events happening behind closed doors, I received emails on what happened thereafter, the status of my partner and I, and inquiries on advice I had no answers to. I gave the world a way in and people felt comfort in staying in my business–a door I ultimately opened myself. I had to live with the decision to expose a troubling point in my relationship, although I could always delete the words as if it never happened. I kept the posts up, but for a while, I had a hard time coming to terms with finding closure in my words and people having access to reopen wounds at their convenience.
So, it’s no surprise to me that more people are finding a need to not fall into the hype of documenting every moment for the world to witness. Not only does disclosing it for a myriad of reasons, but the underlying message is one of “keeping something for yourself,” a sort of rare doing for millennials. Kerry Washington is no stranger to living a life of privacy despite being the star of one of modern-day television’s biggest primetime shows. Her two-and-a-half-year marriage came as a surprise when her marriage certificate was obtained by E! News in a hush-hush ceremony after only a year of dating her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha.
Before their first anniversary, Kerry welcomed baby Isabelle, the couple’s first child together (the birth certificate was obtained by TMZ) and the second child at the end of 2016. Instead of releasing photos to People magazine for a slot on the first cover and a hefty check on the side, the actress has yet to show children to the world.
Related: Kerry Washington: ‘I Didn’t Grow Up Thinking I Was Pretty’
The root of Washington’s desire to separate her private life from her professional one stems from a 2013 interview with Glamour where the star pinpoints the exact moment she deviated from the norm of opening up about her relationship.
Glamour: “OK, so relationships. In interview after interview, you always use the same phrase: ‘I don’t talk about my personal life.’ I’m curious about the discipline that it requires to be so tight-lipped.”KW: “I learned through experience that it doesn’t work for me to talk about my personal life. I’ve had earlier times in my career when I did talk about it. I was on the cover of a bridal magazine [InStyle Weddings, in 2005, when Washington was engaged to actor David Moscow]. But I couldn’t just turn around and say, “I only want to talk about the good stuff, but not the bad stuff.” So I just thought, OK, no more.”
Glamour: “You even managed to get married in June without anyone knowing.”
KW: “Absolutely! I’m walking around in the world with my ring. And when people say congratulations, I say thank you. But I’m going to continue to not talk about it and just let it unfold.”
Glamour: “It must have been satisfying to pull off a wedding with no press around.”
KW: [Laughs.] “I don’t want to sound smug about it…but the point is to do what’s best for me. I have girlfriends in this business who talk about their personal lives, and it works for them, and I love it. But not for me.”
Maybe it’s a fear of failure in the public eye or maybe it’s not wanting your child to grow up reading salacious headlines in tabloids on affairs that should have never left the four corners of your home. Either way, Washington’s personal decision to let the masses play the guessing game on her union to Asomugha is the epitome of mastering the art of discretion for all of the right reasons. She is barely photographed with him.
Read: Don’t Share Your ‘New Bae’ with Social Media for 180 Days
At an SXSW appearance earlier this year, Kerry sort of addressed the year-long rumor that her marriage is on the rocks by reiterating her stance on keeping mum.
“I think—and this is something Reese Witherspoon has talked about a lot—it’s a little different for me because I don’t talk about my personal life. Social media has actually been great for [other celebrities’] relationships with the weeklies or the gossip sites because people say things and they say, ‘That’s not true! Just so you know, that’s BS!’...So I’m thinking in some ways, it’s been great because people are able to maintain their voice. If I don’t talk about my personal life, it means I don't talk about my personal life. That means not only did I not tell you when I was getting married, it also means if somebody has rumors about what's going on in my marriage, I don’t refute them, because I don't talk about my personal life.”
It’s a lesson learned for anyone who has joined the wave of oversharing in today’s world, but that’s not to say that the desire to upload a photo or two doesn’t create a huge pressure for celebrities in particular who feel permitted to share with the very people that support their work, eventually sharing the intimate portions of their everyday lives–hey, Beyoncé. Bey was always known as a mysterious force in the entertainment biz once she began her relationship with Jay-Z and the addition of Blue Ivy heightened the media’s need to get the inside scoop on Beyoncé’s life.
Hearing Baby Blue for the first time on “Glory” and seeing her on the singer’s Tumblr page (where the Carters shared the message, “We welcome to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy during this beautiful time in our lives.”) introduced us to a never-seen-before Bey. Fortunately for fans, the world has watched Blue grow up through personal photography shared by her mother and auntie on social media. But while sharing her greatest accomplishment with a harsh world has introduced us to Beyoncé shedding more layers and exposing who she is outside of the performance realm, some mothers like Kerry Washington find a hard time allowing the world into that private part of their lives.
Related: Are Celebrity Children Safe From Cyber Bullying?
On that same panel discussion for SXSW, Mrs. Washington tackled the importance of her child being able to make decisions of her own and I had to agree with her perspective behind her why.
“It’s like I have these itchy fingers where I want to just show my daughter because she’s so cute and instead I like, send it to my shrink or send it to my mother. I’m like, ‘Look at this picture! Look how cute, look at this picture!’ Get it out of my phone into the world, but not on social. So I get the desire to do that, but I want her to make her own decisions in her time and I feel like she already has a lot to navigate in life being the daughter of an actor and a former football player that she has a lot going on, so she should be able to enter this world when it feels right for her and not make that decision for her. Who knows that the next generation of Snapchat will be when she’s allowed to have a phone, you know? Who knows?”
As a parent, I can appreciate KW’s decision to hold out on showing off her daughter and passing that power off in Isabelle’s hands. How many of us are making decisions for ourselves and not for others who will, in turn, feel obliged in weighing in on the intricate and intimate moments of our lives?
Whether you’re a personal blogger like myself, an average Joe and Jane simply uploading random snapshots of your life online, or a celebrity seeking to prove a normal life like the rest of us, the truth is there is always room for judgment when divvying parts of your life up for an audience. Everyone’s a critic and sometimes allowing the unknown in causes us to feel like something’s bound to go wrong at some point. Truth be told, some people are actually banking on it.
Just keep your business out of it.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images