Listen.
If you frequently read my posts, you know that I am first-in-line-here for Black people, with Black families, being unapologetically and openly Black for the world to see. And a family that wears this cape so beautifully, is none other than the Native Borne Family—expat social influencers, John and Safiyyah Christian and their 5 kids—all embarking on a relocation journey to live their best lives abroad. They encourage holistic living while boastfully being true advocates of down-to-earth lifestyles.
From traveling as a family of seven, to creating and sharing a relocation blueprint, this family is all about helping us find our passions, and showing us that we can live and travel while simultaneously being immersed in them too.
Well, recently, they grabbed my attention by detailing their painfully honest list of key, or what they described as dumb, mistakes made when moving internationally. And with many of us considering moving overseas, this list could be even more valuable to international cautionary tales.
Their mistakes consisted of:
Not Rooting in a Secure Place
Like with any move, but especially internationally, home should be safe—that's a given. Obviously, John and Safiyyah did their due diligence in ensuring their new home was safe, their new residence even had 24/7 security. But as time went on, they learned that their security was too lax and wasn't as thorough as promised. This caused them to be robbed while sleeping one night, all of their belongings being stolen.
They later found out that although Ghana is an overall safe country, known expats and tourists are targeted at a much higher rate than locals.
Their advice:
- Be mindful. Pay the price for peace of mind.
- Get advice from locals about locals. Get to know people.
- Take your time in choosing where you want to live.
- Look for clean grounds and security performing thorough inspections.
Shipping Everything
Native Borne
When the NB fam officially decided to move to Ghana, they were so excited to relocate, that they chose to ship all of their belongings to the country. Beds, mattresses, dishes. Even unnecessary paperwork.
Huge mistake. Why? Because it was expensiiiiiveeeee. They soon found out, that not only are there shipping costs, there's also Customs fees, which they estimated to be about $2,000 USD. Ouch.
Their advice:
- Less is more. If you don't need it, don't bring it.
- Find a shipper who is able to explain the full process in detail.
- Adopt a minimalist mindset.
- If you want to bring particular items, just pay the additional bag fees to bring your items on the plane. Whatever that cost is, it is much cheaper than having them shipped.
Not Having Residual Income
Like many expats, they saved up money and moved with their faith in tow. They had a nice-sized cushion to sustain them for a while, but it dwindled quickly. Their ultimate goal was to always become digital nomads, so that they could travel the world, but they learned that they had to set themselves up properly in order to continue to do so, thus monetizing their journey and providing insight and guidance to those of us interested in doing the same.
Their advice:
- Savings is great, but have residual income.
- Take part in business that's proven to bring you revenue.
- Start the business now, and then relocate.
- Be able to show yourself results on paper. Confirm that “this is what this business is making, and if I move, I'll be OK.“
Sending Money Ahead Of Time
Prior to arriving, the NB family made connections with locals in the country. They ended up sending money to people that they trusted to secure their home. Once they arrived, communication changed, the story changed, and the place they were supposed to be living in, also changed. They were supposed to save money through this connection, but it ended up costing them more due to..."fees." *side eye*
Their advice:
- When dealing with professionals, conduct business in person.
- Have written agreements and contracts to protect both parties.
- Stay at an Airbnb or hotel until you are acclimated with the area.
- Find a reputable real estate agent show you around. There's plenty where you want to relocate, but it's one of those things that you must do on-site.
- Be patient and stay in control.
- Don't send your money.
- Don't send your money.
- Don't send your money.
Rushing To Purchase Land
Native Borne
Like with any country, buying land is a highly in-demand interest across the board. The NB family had many conversations with people who have lived in the country for decades, who all told them to take their time. Unfortunately, they soon learned they were taken advantage of by people whom they trusted. To make a purchase of that caliber, takes time, so their process ended up being quite difficult.
Their advice:
- Before you make any decisions, rent. Don't allow excitement to cloud judgement.
- Build your team. Hire a reputable surveyor, real estate agent, and the like.
- Always protect your interest and don't be afraid to walk away from a seemingly great deal.
- Again, conduct your deals in person, guys. Nothing less.
- Take your time in signing the dotted line.
Ultimately, the NB family found their stride and perfected what they sought out to do. In addition to living in Ghana, they frequent various countries, masterfully traveling as only they know how: black and beautiful.
To learn more about the Native Borne Family, visit their YouTube channel here. Also, for anyone interested in their relocation blueprint or current projects, visit their website.
Feature image courtesy of The Native Borne Family
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In a way, it makes me think of a quote by one of my favorite poets, Rumi: “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” Lamps shed light. Lifeboats save lives (and/or transition people from one spot to another). Ladders help to lift people up. And y’all, if it’s not our life’s mission to want to do one or more of these things for at least one individual on a daily basis — what the heck are we doing out here? Truly.
And yet, spend just one hour on social media and you will see more folks yapping about how to get something out of someone than to “be a shepherd” to someone else — and when all a person wants to do is take…how absolutely draining is that?
So yeah, let’s take a moment to more thoroughly explore the concept of what a human “charger” vs. a “drainer” is — not just as a gut check to make sure that you are where you should be when it comes to how you prioritize your interactions with others but also to confirm whether or not you are surrounding yourself with — pardon the pun — positive charges or…negative ones.
Energy Is a Very Real Thing
GiphyIt really is purely fascinating, the things that you can discover, if you choose to intentionally look for information. Take something that I recently learned: Did you know there are certain types of transmitters that, when they are placed on top of human skin, they send a frequency of 40 MHz into a person’s system? As a result, their body becomes conductors of energy that can actually be transferred to other devices (so long as they have the kind of receiver that can process human energy in this way).
My greatest takeaway from this? Human energy is a very real thing. Not only does it provide us with the ability and power to do various things, it’s also what can be exchanged between two individuals. In fact, many mental health experts believe that it is more than possible for people to exchange energy via things like their attraction to one either, sharing thoughts and emotions and even through one another’s body language.
And since that is indeed the case, this is just one more reason why I will forever stand 10 toes down that sex shouldn’t be handled flippantly or dismissively — because if someone has a body part of theirs inside of yours…how much energy is being exchanged from that? Geeze. And so, since you need energy in order to literally function (and to be mentally and emotionally functional) — let’s look at how a human battery charger moves and then how a human battery drainer does as well.
Ready?
5 Signs That You “Fuel” People
GiphyFuel your fueler. It’s something that I am known for saying to some of my clients whenever someone in the relationship feels like the other isn’t meeting their needs. Basically, what it means is, if an individual is giving you some of what you need in order to function and even thrive, why wouldn’t you want that same type of energy to be reciprocated to them in return? Fueling your fueler helps to equip them to keep providing what you need from them. Simple math.
And here are five ways you can do it:
1. Bring positive insights and/or wisdom. One of my favorite quotes is always going to be by the writer Jorge Luis Borges. He once said, “Don’t speak unless you can improve upon the silence” — and that is a solid gold resolve to have. In a world that is filled with so much…noise, a fueler/battery charger is someone who radiates positivity and/or offers up insights that help you to see things from another perspective and/or gives you the kind of wisdom that challenges you to grow. How often do people say that you do at least one of these things for them?
2. Create more calm than chaos. Confusion is chaos — by definition. You know some of the things that cause confusion? Unclear communication. Passive aggressiveness. Inconsistency. Gossip. Being unnecessarily dramatic. And all of this is just for starters. Meanwhile, a calm individual? They bring peace and tranquility with their words and even simply their presence — and a big cause of this is that they are at peace within themselves. This is why I think it’s a red flag whenever someone is triggered by hearing “Be my peace.”
It is actually HIGH PRAISE when someone can say that when you come around, they feel relaxed instead of…stressed out. Not wanting peace to be associated with your name? Problematic, my dear.
3. You allow “Shalom” to define you. I say often that Hebrew culture is totally my thing — and this includes the Hebrew language. And although most people know that shalom means peace, the word is far more vast than that. Shalom also means to be whole and complete. It’s also a word that speaks to things like health and prosperity. Keeping this in mind, if you are someone who “charges instead of drains,” this means that when you come to mind to other individuals, they think of how much of a blessing that you are in their lives — and you know this because they tell you so. You have a spirit of “shalom” on you and it doesn’t get much better than that.
4. You choose to be a spiritual light. Oh, please believe that when it comes to this one, I am not speaking of church folks — some of them can be the most draining (and I wrote an entire book about it!). At the end of the day, being spiritual is about knowing that there is something out here that is bigger than you (which means you act like you know that life isn’t all about you).
Being spiritual is about fulfilling purpose. Being spiritual is about focusing on the immaterial rather than the material. And when you are a fueler and charger, you do this by motivating others to become more spiritual too.
For me, I have a friend who calls me her “idea doula” and I adore everything about that. She is saying that I help her to come up with ways to grow her business and brand and that ultimately helps her to manifest her own purpose. When it comes to what people can say about what you bring into their world…how do you spiritually benefit them?
5. You are also a muse or inspiration. Pretty much, a muse is a source of inspiration for a creative (check out “10 Habits Of Successful Creatives”) and when you inspire someone, it means that you produce or arouse something within them. It could be to try something new. It could be to finish something they started. It could be to look at a person, place, thing or idea from a different perspective. Or it could be that you inspire them to be a better version of themselves — and it might just be simply by them watching how you move. Remember that a battery charge provides power. When you are around others, what do your words and actions empower them to do — and are those things for the better?
5 Signs That You Actually Wear People Out
GiphyOkay, so it would appear that singer-songwriter Peter Hammill once said that a violinist friend by the name of Graham Smith came up with the term “energy vampire” back in the 70s. Apparently it was in reference to some of Hammill’s over the top fans (the more you know). These days, energy vampires are quite simply individuals who are draining to be around because they require so much of your mental and emotional energy whenever they are in your space.
And what are five ways that these types of people can wear you all the way out?
1. They take more than they give. I’ve been known to say it often: “Where there is no reciprocity, someone is out here being a liability.” Listen, when you’re in a relationship with a person, because you both are individuals, you may not (always) need the same things (especially at the same time) and/or your requirements and expectations may be different. That’s fine. However, don’t find yourself out here being the only one who is proactive and intentional — because if you are important to someone, they should want to give and not just take. Drainers don’t care about this. Chargers absolutely do.
2. They speak in monologues more than dialogues. Something else that I have told clients before is that a lot of people don’t want a PARTNER; they want an AUDIENCE. What I mean by that is, they just want someone to give them attention, to be engrossed in what they have to say, to put them on some sort of pedestal. That’s why they don’t know how to clap for others, they suck at listening, and they may even seem more envious than excited when others win. Back in the day, I used to have relationships where I barely couldn’t get a word in edgewise; it’s because all they really wanted to do, consistently so, is wax poetic in the forms of endless streams of consciousness. LOL.
Sometimes folks need an ear to get things off of their chest; understood — yet if that is ALL that someone is doing…they aren’t wanting to connect with you…they just want some attention from you.
3. Their problems/issues are redundant and cyclic. One of my favorite people on the planet is the poster child for this point. She dates the same kinds of men, she never listens to the 50-11 folks who tell her that they are the same kind of men and then — surprise, surprise — things end up the same way…over and over…and over with these same kinds of men. We’re talking decades’ worth of this nonsense too. And as much as I love her, over the past couple of years, we’ve had to have some hard conversations about how it can be challenging dealing with her sometimes because she stays in the hamster wheel of bullshishery.
Listen, that “we listen and don’t judge” nonsense that was all over the internet several months back (or was that last year? Time is moving weird right through here)? That is some of the dumbest ish that I’ve ever heard! Discernment literally means “acute judgment” and, as my mom used to say, “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher.” Use discernment when deciding how deeply you should get involved with people’s stuff. Also, use discernment to decide when it’s time to shift your energy. Before they drain it all.
4. They compete instead of congratulate. I don’t know about y’all but, over the course of my life, I’ve had some real doozies of narcissists in my world — and one way that they tend to show up is low-key competing with me whenever I accomplish certain things instead of rather than just sitting back and congratulating my efforts. I’ve had people look at me crazy about becoming a doula and life coach — only to become one later. When my first book came out, someone literally said, OUT LOUD, “If you can do it, I know I can then.” DRAIN.ING.
A part of the reason why science says that GOOD FRIENDSHIPS keep us healthy is because support and encouragement help to keep our stress and anxiety levels down. Competing is (typically) stressful. Being celebrated isn’t. ‘Nuf said.
5. They are full of negativity. Constantly complaining. Always looking at things through a dark/negative lens. Never seeming to be in a good mood (or expecting you to get them out of their moods). Acting apathetic instead of/more than empathetic. Being hypercritical. Playing the victim. These are just some examples of what it means to be a negative type of person. The reason why research says that these kinds of folks can drain us is, since we already are prone to act on our natural negativity bias, whenever we’re surrounded with someone who is already caught up in theirs…that energy can be quite contagious.
And since negativity is bad for your cognitive function, immune system, emotional stability and so much more — the less negativity, the better. Yep, spend as little time with this kind of “drainer” as you possibly can.
Giphy____
Like I said earlier, our batteries are basically our energy — and when it comes to wise words on energy:
“Energy is contagious: either you affect people or you infect people.” (T. Harv Eker)
“Energy speaks what you don’t.” (Drishti Bablani)
“When the energy in the room doesn't feel right, probably, it's not right. But sometimes it's also because of you.” (Mitta Xinindlu)
And when it comes to that last quote, specifically — umm, well, …see how I presented the chargers part of the article with a “you” and the drainers with a “they”? LOL. Yeah, that was so you would take the medicine down easier — oh, but definitely take in ALL of this piece, just to make sure that you don’t only have “wear me outs” in your world but that others aren’t actually thinking or saying this about you too.
Being a battery charger or a battery drainer. At least once a week, this is something that we should self-evaluate because energy is precious — and so is what we choose to do with it.
You can fuel or wear people out, y’all.
Please, for the sake of your energy levels as well as theirs…choose wisely.
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