If there's one thing I love to do when traveling anywhere, it's finding out about the black culture or communities of that region. Even in places where one might be apt to ask, "Are black people even living here?" I'm always curious to find out about the African diaspora and its history all over the world. And trust me, our footprint is everywhere---whether through ex-pats or our cultural and political influences. Since it's indeed Black History Month, here are a few must-see global destinations on my list to get beyond the usual museums and landmarks.
Italy: Rome and Tuscany
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Rome is a top-of-mind spot for travel to Italy considering it is indeed the capital, but let's veer off a bit from the usual gelato, pizza, and wine joints and get into a little history. Take a visit to the Arch of Septimius Severus, which was built in 203 A.D. in celebration of one of the emperor's triumphant battles. Septimus Severus was born in the Roman province of Africa and is described as a nomadic moor by several historians. Though his ethnicity in today's terms might be in question among some circles, it's still worth a trip (and a bit of research) while visiting the northwest end of the ancient Roman Square.
On another note, Rome is also the place where Berry Gordy, Billy Dee Williams, and Diana Ross filmed cult classic Mahogany. The theme song for the movie was a No. 1 hit in 1976, and was nominated for a "Best Song" Oscar that same year. Add a little glam to that suitcase and retrace some of the sites that Tracy, the lead character played by Ross, visited in that legendary photo shoot montage.
You can also take a trip to Tuscany, a hilltop city that includes Barga and the small village of Sommocolonia, where the legendary Buffalo Soldiers played a pivotal role in World War II. (See, Spike Lee's Miracle of St. Anna for a bit of dramatized back-story.) The town is full of beautiful cathedrals and restored castles, and local villages host antiques and food festivals.
Mexico: Veracruz and Mexico City
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Mexico has had its moments of issues with acknowledging citizens of African heritage as well as the African contribution to the country, but with a bit more understanding, more tourism support through travel, I think this can change. Veracruz, a port city has a large population of Afro-Mexicans, has a history impacted by Caribbean culture and foods brought by slaves from island nations. The first free slave community in the Americas was actually founded here and is called Yanga, named after Gasper Yanga who led the revolt for freedom. His statue stands in the city not far from Veracruz's other beautiful beaches, historic chapels, and San Juan de Ulúa, which was once a major fortress, prison and palace where slaves were traded.
Mexico City is where actress Lupita Nyong'o, a Mexican citizen of Kenyan heritage, was born. The Oscar-winning actress who won Best Supporting Actress for 12 Years A Slave (a film that made history as the first film directed by an African American to win Best Picture) spent time in a small Mexican town in her teens and told one publication she had to take a bus more than two hours away back to Mexico City just to find someone to braid her hair. In the city, you can visit the statue of Vicente Guerrero, the first (and only known or widely publicized) black president of Mexico, as well as enjoy their beach resorts (like the super-exclusive Nima Local House Hotel), Afro-Caribbean fusion restaurants, and street food spots in the Coyoacán or Michoacan markets.
Africa: Cairo and Ethiopia
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Everyone knows about Accra, Ghana, which hosts the return of thousands of African Americans to trace their roots, visit the slave castles, and be welcomed back to the native home of their ancestors. But there are other African locales that have a link to African-American history as well. Cairo, the capital of Egypt, has a metropolitan area that's the largest in Africa and was the place where Maya Angelou worked as an editor for the Arab Observer. While there, she counted as friends luminaries like David Du Bois (the stepson of W.E.B Du Bois), and she describes this experience in her book, The Heart of a Woman.
Also, many researchers and historians stand behind the premise that the ancient royalty of the country were indeed black, so when you're visiting the typical hot spots in Cairo like Tahrir Square and the massive Egyptian Museum, think on that. Stop by Khan El Khalili, a massive souk (or street market), for artisan goods, plan a luxe day trip through the desert, or drive just a couple hours away to enjoy nearby 5-star hotels like the Oberoi Sahl Hasheesh.
Ethiopia was once named the world's best destination for tourists---with its beautiful Simien Mountains National Park, majestic Blue Nile Falls, and widely visited Ethnological Museum within Emperor Haile Selassie's former palace---and it has a few historical ties to black Americans. Mignon Lorraine Inniss was a Caribbean-American scholar and educator who traveled with a delegation of African-Americans to the East African country to help with development efforts in the 1920s. She founded the first private co-ed boarding school there. Her husband, Arnold Josia Ford, who founded a black synagogue in Harlem, also helmed the development of a community of African Americans who left the U.S. and the racial discrimination of the time to settle on 100 acres of land gifted to them by Selassie. The historic Abyssinia Baptist Church in Harlem also has links to Ethiopia: The church was founded in conjunction with Ethiopian seaman in 1808.
More African Americans would travel to Ethiopia to relocate, and the emperor was a popular figure during the Harlem Renaissance. He had ties to key black American figures including Duke Ellington, Adam Clayton Powell, Jr., and legendary pilots John Robinson, who served in the Imperial Ethiopian Airforce, and Hubert Julian.
A few more things to try on a trip here---to add to visits to the aforementioned tourist spots---is to stay at the luxury Kuriftu Resorts or enjoy a camel walk with a registered tour group.
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As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY Means
GiphySo, let's do first things first — let's define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of "What does platonic mean?", the first thing that you're (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of "of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex" (Merriam-Webster), "designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity" (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, "purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes" (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I'll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word "platonic" actually come from? From what I've researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled "Symposium." In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire, one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: "Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry." A write-up on Merriam-Webster's site stated that "The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships." Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that's another article for another time, though (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term' Casual Sex'").
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word "platonic" is kind of used in "broad strokes" these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be "just friends," I'm going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
You ready?
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…
GiphyAt this stage in my life, I'm pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I'll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He's super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often, and some have told us that they assume that we've had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: "I told him, 'He's my brother. We would never mess around.'"
My Friend: "Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it."
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: "Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives." (That reminds me: check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?" when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: "Girl, yeah. If I didn't want to keep you in my life long-term, I would've tried to holla a long time ago!" And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these "for real?!" exchanges is even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn't mean there isn't a "dormant seed" lying around somewhere…whether it's one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life; we've had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren't exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you're not sure about "his"…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?
GiphyNow that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you, yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other, and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article, yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship, yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC Friendships
GiphyBefore I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you've got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you've never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he's someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it's one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who's been together for more than five years and I'll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out "Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?").
Yeah, just because you've filed someone in the "I see him as a good guy" category, that doesn't automatically mean that y'all's friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels, yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don't get it twisted — I've considered him because, on so many levels, we "fit." So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are "good friends," yet it's not exactly platonic.
I'm not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would've been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn't make you want to throw up in your mouth, there's a pretty good chance that it's not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there's a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All Costs
GiphyLet me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive, yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic, and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way, too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
______
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
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