Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage
If you are a diehard fan of the movieLove Jones, I'm sure you can quickly recall the scene when Darius said that when people say that the romance is dead, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities. Agreed. That's why, whenever someone tells me that their sex life has hit a wall, I basically think the same thing. If the attraction and connection are still intact (and yes, those two things are key), I firmly believe that a couple can maintain the kind of sex life that is as fresh and exciting as the first year that they started gettin' it in. The key is to make passion a priority, to state your sexual needs (and wants), and to not be afraid to try new things—not just at Christmas or for birthdays either. Do it as much as possible.
As far as trying something new goes, boy, do I have something for y'all. Well, for him. Actually, if you do it right, it will ultimately be for the both of you. It's called a lingam massage and, with the pun totally intended here, it's one of the easiest and sexiest ways to get—and keep—your man hard. And happy. And from being anything but bored in your sexual relationship.
What Exactly Is a Lingam Massage?
Ah, the lingam massage. So, let's start with what lingam even means. I wouldn't be shocked in the least if you've heard the word "yoni", at least once this week already.
You probably know that it's referring to your vagina, but did you know the origin of the word itself? It's actually a Sanskirt word, and just like vagina has its own term, so does the penis. A penis is a lingam which also means "wand of light".
In the world of tantra, a man is encouraged to see his member as a literal wand of light that is able to perform supernatural acts (sounds pretty reasonable to me). Well, when it comes to massaging a light wand, the ultimate objective is to relax, then stimulate, then encourage intense multiple orgasms from your male partner. Some sex experts refer to this as a form of foreplay while others see it as an edging technique. Either way, it's great when it comes to you becoming (even more) comfortable and familiar with your partner's lingam. It's also really effective if you want him to feel treasured, pampered, esteemed and desired. I'd venture to say that all good lovers want this for their partner, right?
First, a Refresher Course on (a Part of) a Man’s Anatomy
As far as we, the actual massagers go, performing a lingam massage can be an excellent way to refamiliarize ourselves with the lower part of a man's anatomy. Why is this necessary? In order to give the best kind of lingam massage, all parts of "the wand" need to be catered to. This includes the base of a man's penis, his shaft, the head and, if he is uncircumcised, his foreskin (which is considered to be highly-sensitive). His testicles are important too, although they tend not be the main focal point for this particular kind of massage. They have their own kind of massage. We'll get into that at another time.
The base is what's closest to a man's pubic bone and perineum (the front area of his anus which is closest to his scrotum which holds his testicles). If a man is circumcised, he will have something that is known as the corona; it's the small ridge that separates his shaft from the head of his penis (if a man is uncircumcised, this ridge will be covered up). A man's head (or glans) is the tip of his penis; it's also where his urethral opening is (where urine and also sperm come out). If you want to give your man a stellar lingam massage, all of these parts must be tended to.
How to Prep for a Lingam Massage
I think that all of us can agree that in order for mind-blowing sex to transpire, there needs to be trust between both individuals.
With that in mind, before hitting your man up with a "How 'bout a lingam massage?" text, it's important to never forget how vulnerable this type of massage can make a man feel; especially if he lets you explore his perineum. That's why it's essential to set the right kind of atmosphere on the front end.
In other words, asking him to strip in your brightly lit living room in the middle of a television show is probably not the best approach.
Instead, take him to the bedroom. Dim the lights or, even better, light some scented soy candles (some smells that are both calming as well as relaxing include lavender, bergamot, clary sage and jasmine). Put on some music that is soothing and/or sensual to him (there's nothing wrong with asking him what playlist he'd prefer). Put on something that he loves to see you in, even if that is absolutely nothing at all (the skin-to-skin approach can make things even more erotic). Make sure that he places his head on a comfortable pillow; one that you might want to sprinkle with a little lavender essential oil so that he's able to relax even more. And finally, make sure that you have some water-based lube and some warm massage oil—both are what will take a lingam massage to the very next level. If you'd prefer to make both (just so you can feel good about all of the ingredients you are using), click here for some DIY lube recipes and here, here and here for some DIY massage oil ones.
How to Perform a Lingam Massage
Now that the mood has been properly set, let's get into the steps of how to perform a successful lingam massage:
- Have your partner sit in an upright position on the side of the bed. Then kneel down in front of him.
- Pour some of the lubricant into your hand. Warm it up a bit by rubbing your hands together for about 30 seconds or so.
- Gently take hold of his penis with one hand and apply the lubricant down his shaft with the other.
- As you get closer to his actual pubic bone, make small circular motions.
As you both become more comfortable, you can:
- Use one of your hands to caress the base of his penis and you use the other to stroke his shaft, up to his head and back down to the base again.
- Massage the tip of his penis with your thumb and index finger.
- Interlock your fingers (similar to when you're about to say a prayer) and stroke his shaft up and down.
- Use your thumb and fingers to massage his frenulum which is the part of the penis that is right underneath the head.
- Throughout all of these techniques, encourage your partner to take slow and deep breaths; this will help to intensify the sensations that he feels.
- As he becomes even more comfortable and relaxed, ask if you can give him a gentle and surface perineal massage. All you need to do is use the tip of your fingers to very gently caress his perineum (make sure to keep your nails out of the way).
- Either continue the massage until he climaxes or "edge him on" (bring him to that point) and then transition into intercourse.
Do these things while sharing with your partner what you find to be special and appealing about him as a whole. As you're speaking, make sure that you not only concentrate on his shaft, but all of the parts that we discussed earlier. It will remind you that a lingam massage is not about "jacking him off"; it's about celebrating him and his penis. It's about making him feel safe, desired and honored. How could a man not have, at least a couple of orgasms, in this type of setting?
The more research that I do on lingam massages, the more I see that it truly is an act that reminds partners of how sex is not just a sexual but a spiritual act as well; that our genitalia is sacred in every way—and should be treated as such.
Hmph. Something tells me that a few fellas are gonna be some happy campers tonight. No need to thank us. When it comes to making sure your sex life stays on-point, we've got you covered, sis. Always.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
I Asked 10 Men What Turned Them On. This Is What They Said.
Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm
More Single Men Are "Pulling Out" Than Ever. That's Why You Should Read This.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
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III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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