If you are a diehard fan of the movieLove Jones, I'm sure you can quickly recall the scene when Darius said that when people say that the romance is dead, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities. Agreed. That's why, whenever someone tells me that their sex life has hit a wall, I basically think the same thing. If the attraction and connection are still intact (and yes, those two things are key), I firmly believe that a couple can maintain the kind of sex life that is as fresh and exciting as the first year that they started gettin' it in. The key is to make passion a priority, to state your sexual needs (and wants), and to not be afraid to try new things—not just at Christmas or for birthdays either. Do it as much as possible.
As far as trying something new goes, boy, do I have something for y'all. Well, for him. Actually, if you do it right, it will ultimately be for the both of you. It's called a lingam massage and, with the pun totally intended here, it's one of the easiest and sexiest ways to get—and keep—your man hard. And happy. And from being anything but bored in your sexual relationship.
What Exactly Is a Lingam Massage?
Ah, the lingam massage. So, let's start with what lingam even means. I wouldn't be shocked in the least if you've heard the word "yoni", at least once this week already.
You probably know that it's referring to your vagina, but did you know the origin of the word itself? It's actually a Sanskirt word, and just like vagina has its own term, so does the penis. A penis is a lingam which also means "wand of light".
In the world of tantra, a man is encouraged to see his member as a literal wand of light that is able to perform supernatural acts (sounds pretty reasonable to me). Well, when it comes to massaging a light wand, the ultimate objective is to relax, then stimulate, then encourage intense multiple orgasms from your male partner. Some sex experts refer to this as a form of foreplay while others see it as an edging technique. Either way, it's great when it comes to you becoming (even more) comfortable and familiar with your partner's lingam. It's also really effective if you want him to feel treasured, pampered, esteemed and desired. I'd venture to say that all good lovers want this for their partner, right?
First, a Refresher Course on (a Part of) a Man’s Anatomy
As far as we, the actual massagers go, performing a lingam massage can be an excellent way to refamiliarize ourselves with the lower part of a man's anatomy. Why is this necessary? In order to give the best kind of lingam massage, all parts of "the wand" need to be catered to. This includes the base of a man's penis, his shaft, the head and, if he is uncircumcised, his foreskin (which is considered to be highly-sensitive). His testicles are important too, although they tend not be the main focal point for this particular kind of massage. They have their own kind of massage. We'll get into that at another time.
The base is what's closest to a man's pubic bone and perineum (the front area of his anus which is closest to his scrotum which holds his testicles). If a man is circumcised, he will have something that is known as the corona; it's the small ridge that separates his shaft from the head of his penis (if a man is uncircumcised, this ridge will be covered up). A man's head (or glans) is the tip of his penis; it's also where his urethral opening is (where urine and also sperm come out). If you want to give your man a stellar lingam massage, all of these parts must be tended to.
How to Prep for a Lingam Massage
I think that all of us can agree that in order for mind-blowing sex to transpire, there needs to be trust between both individuals.
With that in mind, before hitting your man up with a "How 'bout a lingam massage?" text, it's important to never forget how vulnerable this type of massage can make a man feel; especially if he lets you explore his perineum. That's why it's essential to set the right kind of atmosphere on the front end.
In other words, asking him to strip in your brightly lit living room in the middle of a television show is probably not the best approach.
Instead, take him to the bedroom. Dim the lights or, even better, light some scented soy candles (some smells that are both calming as well as relaxing include lavender, bergamot, clary sage and jasmine). Put on some music that is soothing and/or sensual to him (there's nothing wrong with asking him what playlist he'd prefer). Put on something that he loves to see you in, even if that is absolutely nothing at all (the skin-to-skin approach can make things even more erotic). Make sure that he places his head on a comfortable pillow; one that you might want to sprinkle with a little lavender essential oil so that he's able to relax even more. And finally, make sure that you have some water-based lube and some warm massage oil—both are what will take a lingam massage to the very next level. If you'd prefer to make both (just so you can feel good about all of the ingredients you are using), click here for some DIY lube recipes and here, here and here for some DIY massage oil ones.
How to Perform a Lingam Massage
Now that the mood has been properly set, let's get into the steps of how to perform a successful lingam massage:
- Have your partner sit in an upright position on the side of the bed. Then kneel down in front of him.
- Pour some of the lubricant into your hand. Warm it up a bit by rubbing your hands together for about 30 seconds or so.
- Gently take hold of his penis with one hand and apply the lubricant down his shaft with the other.
- As you get closer to his actual pubic bone, make small circular motions.
As you both become more comfortable, you can:
- Use one of your hands to caress the base of his penis and you use the other to stroke his shaft, up to his head and back down to the base again.
- Massage the tip of his penis with your thumb and index finger.
- Interlock your fingers (similar to when you're about to say a prayer) and stroke his shaft up and down.
- Use your thumb and fingers to massage his frenulum which is the part of the penis that is right underneath the head.
- Throughout all of these techniques, encourage your partner to take slow and deep breaths; this will help to intensify the sensations that he feels.
- As he becomes even more comfortable and relaxed, ask if you can give him a gentle and surface perineal massage. All you need to do is use the tip of your fingers to very gently caress his perineum (make sure to keep your nails out of the way).
- Either continue the massage until he climaxes or "edge him on" (bring him to that point) and then transition into intercourse.
Do these things while sharing with your partner what you find to be special and appealing about him as a whole. As you're speaking, make sure that you not only concentrate on his shaft, but all of the parts that we discussed earlier. It will remind you that a lingam massage is not about "jacking him off"; it's about celebrating him and his penis. It's about making him feel safe, desired and honored. How could a man not have, at least a couple of orgasms, in this type of setting?
The more research that I do on lingam massages, the more I see that it truly is an act that reminds partners of how sex is not just a sexual but a spiritual act as well; that our genitalia is sacred in every way—and should be treated as such.
Hmph. Something tells me that a few fellas are gonna be some happy campers tonight. No need to thank us. When it comes to making sure your sex life stays on-point, we've got you covered, sis. Always.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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