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3 Keys To Knowing (And Getting) EXACTLY What You Want
I'll admit it: I've been getting a little annoyed by all of the memes, statuses and reminders that 2020 is right around the corner. Partly because I consider my birthday as my own personal New Year, but also because many times, our Instagram feeds look like a buffet of other peoples' accomplishments and manifestations.
We watch in awe as women we know (or know of) harness their power. They inspire us to do, be and have more. And that inspiration feels amazing--especially when we know that their accolades, recognition and rewards are well-deserved and long overdue.
But.
As a truly empathetic person and chronic people-watcher, I sometimes consider those of who are still out on the fringes. Y'know, the ones who feel like they're floating.
Women who know they potential, and have a vague idea of who they would like to be, but aren't sure how to make it happen. Because, let's face it: the motivational memes and abstract advice are only useful if you know EXACTLY what you want and how you'll get it.
As I've gotten further along the path to achieving my own goals, I've realized something: to even get started, there was some really BASIC shit that I just...didn't know I needed to do.
There are also things that helped me, that I didn't even realize I was doing. In the last year, I've left (a couple) of "friendships" and situationshipsthat no longer served me. I intentionally manifested a position in a field that I wanted within days, and have built some serious momentum in establishing my own brand. These steps may sound small, but it's all 100% more than I was doing this same time last year, and they're all 100% moving me toward what I want for my life.
I have a long way to go, but I hope this serves you as a starting guide to knowing and GETTING exactly what you want. First things first:
Know That You Are Inherently Worthy
They key word here is "inherently". You don't have to earn your worthiness. Believing this is the very first, most important step (and sometimes the most foreign). It's much easier said than done. Work on making worthiness a part of your being.
If you find women (famous or not) who are happy, inspired and finding peace in their lives, read their books. Watch their interviews. Examine their thought processes and how they carry themselves. Begin to create new thought patterns that support this basic truth: YOU ARE INHERENTLY WORTHY AND DESERVING OF A PURPOSEFUL AND ENJOYABLE LIFE. Even if you believe this on a surface level, exposing yourself to these women continuously will reprogram your subconscious mind.
The second step is the most fun:
CLEARLY Establish Your Desires
Some may get overwhelmed with this one, or even defensive. So in my Obama voice, "Let me be clear."
Establishing desires or goals is not always about money. With no map, you go nowhere.
No one can judge you, so decide what you want. If you have no idea what you want, great! You now have a desire...to establish a desire. You can begin researching different professions or businesses, and looking for new opportunities.
If you're feeling stuck, just pick one or two things that make you say, "It would be amazing to accomplish that in my lifetime." Or in one year, or five years. Ignore the skeptic in your mind and don't pressure yourself too much—most desires, life paths or intentions change dramatically on their way to physical manifestation. Breathe, spend time alone and really get clear on what you want your future to look like.
While we're talking about getting clear, on to the next step:
Choose The Best Vehicle For Your Desires
I struggled with this one for a long time, because I always wanted the solution that would get me to my desires "faster". So until I found a vehicle that made me happy on the way, I had what some would call "shiny object syndrome".
Here's a secret: there are no shortcuts.
If your desire is a certain income level, or accolade, that's great. Consider these questions: What makes you happy outside of work? You're probably very good at something how can you teach or expand on that, or give the experience to others?
I personally don't agree when people say, "Find your passion, and you'll never work a day in your life."
However, I do believe that being passionate WHILE you're in pursuit of your goal will empower you, even when the journey towards your desires gets difficult, as it definitely will.
It's worth saying again, that success has little to do with income or status. The money will definitely follow, but a successful woman is the one who is happy with where she is, where she's going and where she's been.
But to pursue something, you will deeply serve yourself. And in serving yourself deeply, you serve the world. Whether you're starting a restaurant, taking care of foster dogs, singing or writing or doing nails...whatever the vehicle to your desire(s) is. Find what you desire to do, learn how to improve the lives of others while you do.
Don't forget that in the process of achieving your desires, you will give to the world, just by being you. It's a win-win.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Regina King Offers The Secret To Gaining True Power & Success
This Is What's Blocking You From Manifesting
How To Manifest The Life Of Your Dreams In 5 Steps
Meagan Good Believes This Is How You Get What You What You Want In Life
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How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
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Featured image courtesy
It’s funny how a breakup can be the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to you. It has the power to completely change your life, whether it knocks you down or empowers you to evolve. Either way, whatever happens next is up to you. That can feel like a lot of pressure when you don’t even want to get out of bed. But sometimes, all it takes is a moment of encouragement, inspiration, and motivation that you’re not crazy for wanting to send that drunk text or stalk your ex on social media.
But in those heartbreaking moments, you can tap into your inner resilience and strength, knowing that there’s a reason the relationship came to an end. Whatever that is, please trust that whatever is meant for you will be so much better, including the you that comes out on the other side.
This is the perfect time to heal, rediscover you, and open yourself up to love again. Here are 12 books to help you do that and more.
Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force
Whether you were the initiator or the receiver of a breakup, the end of a relationship can be traumatic. But it can also help you find the confidence you might have lost in the aftermath. Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force reminds you that your true self is worth loving and pulls you out of the status quo that you might have fallen into in your relationship. It lets you know that it’s more than okay to clap for yourself and the growth you’ve accomplished while unleashing your boldness. Tap in!
Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away
Amazon
Nobody wins when the relationship ends. But if we’re honest, many of us want the other person to at least regret the parting of ways. Like, did we matter at all? Natasha Adamo’s Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away talks us off the ledge of trying to prove that we have the upper hand (and quoting Beyoncè’s “She ain’t no divaaa” under anyone’s post that your ex appears to be moving on with).
Instead, Adamo motivates us to focus on our own journey after the breakup because it will be tough enough without being preoccupied with what our exes are doing. You have a whole life after this, and your best days are ahead of you, not behind. You truly win when you decide to walk away from whatever negativity came with the breakup and focus on you. ‘Cause we’re not looking back, sis.
Emotional Self-Care for Black Women
Amazon
One of the best things you can do in this moment is be selfish and think about you. If self-care is a priority in your healing journey, think about diving intoEmotional Self-Care for Black Womenby Alicia Magoro. It takes you through the process of improving your self-esteem, getting rid of negative thoughts, and truly healing from past traumas, each of which is crucial after a breakup. No matter how crazy life is as you try to put the pieces back together, taking moments to truly uncover the reality of your feelings and emotions is essential to your healing.
Break Up With What Broke You
Amazon
I feel like a key step in getting through a heartbreak is cookie dough ice cream, any Shonda Rhimes show, and a box of tissues. But unfortunately *sigh* that can’t last forever. When it’s time to push through, Break Up With What Broke You by Christian Bevere is waiting for you. When you’re ready to overcome the comfort of who you’ve always been, this book helps you evolve into who you’ve been meant to be all along. If you need a book that provides steps with compassion and grace instead of a no-nonsense approach, this is for you (cause who’s trying to get their feelings hurt?)
How To Get Over A Boy
Amazon
‘Cause that’s all we’re trying to do, right? I love the theory of How To Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue because it reminds us that men, or any partner we have, do not belong on a pedestal. As amazing as they may be, you’re just as dope! Eggerue isn’t having you tap into your inner fineness to help you find a man or get a text back with outdated tactics. No, sis. This book is all about reminding you that you are the true prize, and there’s nothing wrong with carrying yourself as such. Yes, wanting to be in a relationship again is natural and inevitable. But for now, it’s also okay to find satisfaction with yourself.
Didn’t See That Coming: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart
Amazon
All of the signs may have been there, but a breakup can still be shocking. We’ve tried to see the best in our now-ex, and it may have left us holding the bag. Any breakup can be devastating, but if you’re trying to get through a traumatic one, add Didn’t See That Coming by Rachel Hollis to your list. The title alone is funny because it’s ironic and true. And in all seriousness, it pulls you out of being stuck in your pain and trauma and encourages you to be a better you when all is said and done. Your breakup doesn’t have to be detrimental to your life. It can be a turning point to help you transition into the woman you never thought you could.
I Almost Forgot About You
Amazon
Isn’t it crazy how after a breakup, almost everything reminds you of that person? From a song that’s shuffled into your playlist and inside jokes to a hilarious viral video on social media, it feels like you can’t escape. Thankfully, our good sis Terry McMillan did her good work with her novel I Almost Forgot About You. No, it’s not a non-fiction book that gives you ways to get through your heartbreak, but it tells the story of a woman named Dr. Georgia Young, who’s going through a transformation of her own to find her inner shero after quitting her job and relocating. The relatable ups and downs she experiences as she bravely takes on unexpected risks can inspire and let you escape for a while.
Sis, Don’t Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart
Amazon
Following our hearts is all fun and games until it leaves us in an agonizing situation. Sis, Don’t Settle by Faith Jenkins gives us a much-needed reminder not to give in to the desire to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone. Whether your ex checked every box on your list or you compromised because you saw potential in what it could be (we’ve all been there, love), let’s decide to not let our hearts or emotions cause us to settle for less. I love this book because it drops the fluff and gives relatable ways to be smart about love, have healthy and loving relationships, and not rush the process.
The Art of Letting Go
Amazon
I read a meme that said, “If overthinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist.” And I felt seen. After a breakup, it’s so easy to replay those final moments in your head over and over again, especially if you were blindsided. The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm) by Nick Trenton walks you through doing exactly that.
No matter what happened, the brutal reality is we can’t do anything to change it, and mentally running it on a loop does more harm than good, sis. This book lets your mind be a safe place full of peace and tranquility instead of a battle zone. It inspires you to embrace the present without yearning for the past or being afraid of the future.
The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
Amazon
Like many books on this list, The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce empowers you to channel your inner power, rediscover your worth, and flourish like you’ve always wanted. If you’re like me, you might not know where to start after a major (and possibly unexpected) life transition. How do you even begin to move on without sitting in the aftermath for too long?
This book, penned by Rachen A. Sussman, serves as a guide for you to truly heal from the devastation one step at a time. Because it’s okay to take things slow. It features three phases of recovery — healing, understanding, and transformation — providing a clear road map to not just surviving a breakup, but coming out whole on the other side.
I love this version of myself that you brought out: a memoir of a broken heart
Amazon
Can we just take a second to salute the power of a breakup? Whether it sparks your international solo eat, pray, love journey or makes you truly consider what you want in life for you, as horrible as it can be, good things can come out of the parting of ways. I love this version of myself that you brought outby Jaymen Chang gets real about the good, bad, and the ugly, from wishing you could unsend that vulnerable text message, to waking up one day feeling different and ready to move on. Pick this one up when you’re ready to cry it out, process, and enter your season of becoming.
When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal
Amazon
When the dust settles, how are you for real? You may be excited about the idea of using your breakup as an excuse to glow up, or you may be heartbroken and just aren’t in the space to think beyond turning on Mary J. Blige and drinking wine in a bathrobe. And that’s okay. When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest encourages you to embrace the true work of your healing journey. It can be soul-crushing, yet rewarding. With dozens of essays geared toward your process, this book realizes that it doesn’t take one day or one thing to heal.
It’s an ongoing life moment as you recover from the person (or people) who just wasn’t the best for you. As you find yourself again and welcome the things and people who truly love you, you’ll flourish even through the pain.
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