As a professional writer, I actually got my start in the entertainment industry. Between that and being somewhat of a music industry child as well (kind of a long story), I learned a long time ago not to get up in the hype of celebrity culture or to fall victim to celebrity worship. That’s why, I am very intentional about not speaking on famous people as if I know them. Whenever I do speak on them, I prefer to use what they’ve said or something that was actual news as a teachable moment — for the most part, no more, no less.
So, when it comes to Kelly Rowland, specifically, I don’t know her and won’t speak on her as if I do. What I will say is based on how she moves and interviews that I’ve caught her in, I appreciate her — and her marriage — on a few levels.
I Turn My Camera On with Lance Gross | Kelly Rowland | L/Studio created be Lexuswww.youtube.com
As a marriage life coach for close to 20 years at this point, I find her relationship with her husband, Tim Witherspoon, to be… “refreshing” is the word that comes to mind. I think that’s why I took extra special note when she said in a fairly recent interview that she considers herself, sexually, to be a sensualist. Since I deal with bedroom issues quite a bit with couples, I like how she broke the word down. I also thought that by sharing it with y’all, it might help some of you figure out how to get more of what you want from your own partner…since you might actually be a sensualist, too. Whether you know it or…not (yet).
What Is a Sensualist? Across the Board.
Talk that talk, sis. Okay, so you heard Kelly’s definition of a sensualist. That said, if you’ve ever read even a few of my pieces before, you know that I like to unpack layers of things — because most things have them. A sensualist. What Kelly said, on many levels, is right on the mark. However, let’s go a bit deeper.
By (dictionary) definition, a sensualist is someone who really enjoys pleasure and typically uses all of their senses in order to experience it. When it comes to intimacy, sensuality is a part of the reason why I write articles like “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” because if there is one act where, if you bring in sight, touch, hearing, smell and taste into the dynamic, you’re almost guaranteed that it’s not going to disappoint, it’s coitus.
Still, in order to understand what it means to be a sensualist in a sexual way, I think it’s super important to explain that it applies to your being, even before you step into the bedroom.
For instance, while reading a blog post entitled “The Hard Work of Being a Sensualist,” I really appreciated how the author said that a main mantra for true sensualists is to “live in the moment” and that you must be willing to put in the intentionality and effort to figure out who you are and what you like — and that requires a continuous level of curiosity and exploration.
Why is that so essential when it comes to sex? Because, unfortunately, we live in a culture where a lot of people think that someone is automatically “bad in bed” if they don’t know how to satisfy their partner when, the irony to all of that is, you can’t expect someone to “get you there” when you don’t even know what your foundational and innermost sexual needs are. Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why I’m such a fan of things like sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) and vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”), it’s because they are practices that encourage you to become a sex student of your own self.
And here’s the thing: when you learn to slow down, be more gracious, and remain open to figuring out all of what makes you sexually tick, it causes you to extend that same kind of energy to your partner, which makes the experience so much richer — and more real. This is how a sensualist thinks.
Oh, and the “living in the moment” part? That is simply all about being present. You’re not worrying about the past (which means that, sexually, you aren’t comparing your current partner to anyone else — eh hem), nor are you preoccupied with or obsessing over the future — and that includes not worrying about if you’re gonna orgasm or not because yes, technically, even 10 minutes from now is the future. Being present is simply taking every moment that you are in IN and letting things flow naturally. This, too, is the mind of a sensualist.
And what makes it easier to be this type of individual? Kelly covered it. When it comes to sex, begin by cultivating the type of atmosphere where all of your senses are in a state of tranquility so that you’re not stressing, overthinking, or lacking self-sexual confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem” and “These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More”).
This means asking yourself, “When it comes to sex, what do I like to look at? How do I prefer to be touched? What sounds do I like to hear, and how do I want to be spoken to? What scents arouse me? Do I like sexual condiments like honey, whipped cream, and fudge, or do I prefer the taste of my partner?” True sensualists make the time to ask themselves these things, figure out the answers, and then convey them to their partner. Know what else? They also make the time to ask their partner what would turn them into a sensualist as well because, remember, sensualists are curious…sensualists explore.
Now that you know what comes with being a sensualist, do you get why Kelly said that she is able to fully surrender during the act of sex because she’s a sensualist? Honestly, it speaks more to who she is as a woman than what is happening outside of her. She knows who she is, and what brings her pleasure, and she’s able to articulate that so that her sexual needs can be fully met. Excellent.
5 Ways That You Can Become a (Better) Sensualist
GiphySo, what if you’re new to the whole sensualist thing, and you’d like to get to the point and place where you can confidently profess that you actually are one? If that is indeed the case... here are five tips.
1. Learn the difference between sensual and sexy. Sexy is about something or one being sexually exciting. Being sensual is about pleasing the senses. It’s important to keep this point in mind because, even on the days when you might not feel your sexiest (or your partner might not appear his sexiest), you can still be sensual. There are always things that a sensualist can do to get into the mood — because more than just sight is involved when it comes to them. That’s a part of what makes them so dope.
2. Have “sex meetings” with your partner. Y’all be all up in your bed talking about bills and work (I really wish y’all would stop doing that, too; bedrooms should be for sex and sleep only). Why not pillow talk about sex instead? Google articles on sex and (verbally) share them with your partner. Talk about something that you recently discovered turns you on. Express what you’d like to explore more, sexually, together. A lot of us have heard that sex is the ultimate form of communication. The interesting thing about that is when it comes to their partner, so few people clearly and concisely discuss sex with them.
3. Be okay with planning sex sometimes. I promise you, I don’t get why so many folks frown on sex that’s on a schedule. Life is not a soap opera, and planning simply means that you are prioritizing. And when you prioritize, you can create the setting that you want to get all five of your senses going. You know, just recently, someone reminded me of an article that I wrote for the platform a while back entitled, “What Is 'Comfy Sex'? How Can You Get More Of It?” Yeah, to get all of what you need, sometimes you’ve got to put some forethought and execution into it. Like they say, “If you build it, they will come” — or y’all will cum (in this instance).
4. Choose to not take the joy and delight out of sex. Is this a “wild card” tip? Eh. Perhaps. It’s still relevant, though, because pleasure is defined by “joy” and “delight” and honestly, a lot of people have a ho-hum sex life because they go into it without a sense of humor, without emotionally connecting to their partner, without wanting to simply CHILL OUT to see how things go. If you’re inflexible (I mean mentally), if you’re tense, if you only have one end goal in mind all of the time (orgasm) — true sexual pleasure is going to be quite difficult for you.
5. Learn how to “be present,” in general. You can’t be all over the place in every other facet of your world and then up and think that you can be present in the bedroom on a whim. Being in the moment requires doing so all of the time. This means that you should be open to meditation, reducing screen time, deep breathing, being gentle with yourself (and others), and making peace that if you did your best, in the moment, that’s all you can do; let the chips fall where they may, chile.
See? When you take a moment to take it all in, being a sensualist is more than just a notion, and Kelly said more than just a mouthful. If you want to become a master of it in the bedroom, become a student of it in life.
So…are you a sensualist or not?
If not, when it comes to sex, imagine all of the possibilities, if you were.
Lawd…LAWD.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Don Arnold/WireImage
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock