While I think she would prefer to not have her name mentioned in this piece, it's actually a 36-year-old woman who inspired me to write this. After telling me that she doesn't trust men because none of them know how to be with just one woman—whew, these gross generalizations do NOTHING for the Black community—I decided to do a little digging around to see if that was indeed the case. Not because I believed her (I absolutely disagree); it's because I wanted some Black men to be able to speak up for themselves on the topic.
The combination of being a relationships writer and marriage coach means that it's pretty easy for me to outsource men on various issues. Usually, the only thing that they ask is for some sort of anonymity. Not because they are "scared" to reveal themselves but because they like to keep the drama levels down and would prefer to speak their mind without folks looking them up on social media (or whatever) afterwards. Granted. So, here are 10 men, who are going by their middle name, who are currently only having sex with one woman. Most of them have been doing so for a while now. The reasons vary. Some might surprise you a bit. Yet hopefully, they all will give you a little more insight into how a man thinks about exclusive sexual dynamics and why it's not as taboo as some would prefer to think (or is it assume?).
Damon. 34. Single.
"I know you probably want me to say something all romantic 'n s—t but that's not where I'm coming from on this. Back when I was out here, I was out here. I had a lot of fun. But anyone who thinks that sleeping with lots of different people is safe is crazy. I can name at least five of my boys who have herpes and they didn't get it in college. It happened when they were in their 30s. The variety that comes from being with different women can be cool. The older you get, it's even better to find someone who satisfies you sexually and just be with them. You know what you're dealing with and there are no surprises. That's what I'm with these days."
Aric. 29. Single.
"You just said 'serial monogamy'. That's hilarious. I guess, sexually, that's the kind of guy that I am because I'm not in a serious relationship. Don't want to be. I do have sex with only one woman at a time. When we're done, I move on to someone else. I don't double back either. I like it because it keeps all of the drama and confusion down. We both take STD tests. We both know what kind of birth control works for our relationship. Most of the ladies, I even keep up with their cycle with them, so I'm not getting any 'baby daddy' calls. I'm almost 30.
"To me, great sex means no drama. One woman at a time makes that possible."
Devaughn. 25. Engaged.
"You're using my middle name, right? Good, because my mama would kill me. She still wants to see me as a good ole' church boy. Anyway, when I met my fiancée, I knew that she had the potential to become my wife. She made me wait to have sex for about 7-8 months and I'm gonna be real with you—it wasn't until after we had sex that it sealed the deal as far as knowing for sure that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Women need to get that sex is a legitimate need in a relationship when it comes to men and we don't 'age out' of that. Good sex, consistent sex, is a big deal. When that sex is happenin', though? You can keep us focused on you more than you might think. It can keep us faithful more than we ever get credit for."
Parnell. 26. Married.
"Contrary to what a lot of women think about men, we're not afraid of marriage or only being with one woman. What does terrify us is signing up to marry someone who presented themselves to be one way before marriage and then they totally flip the script after. It happens all the time. How is it that when we're dating you, there's a ton of sex and after the wedding, about a year in, you act like sex is some sort of chore? Uh-uh. My wife? She's nothing like that. The sex is amazin', every time. We have it about 3-4 times a week and we've been together for seven years, married for four of them. She brings it so hard that I can't tell you the last time I thought about another woman. I see beautiful ones all of the time. But the sex that I have with my wife? Trust me, I'm good."
King. 40. Divorced.
"My situation isn't common. I know that. I am only with one woman and she happens to be my ex-wife. So, why aren't we still married? We only gel well when it comes to the bedroom. Since we've been divorced, we've actually become good friends and since the sex is totally off the charts—why give that up? I'm not sure what either one of us will do if we happen to meet someone new. But we've been divorced for three years now and that hasn't been an issue. I actually like the sex better now than when we were married. Don't try this at home, folks. But hey, it works for me."
Lionel. 39. Single.
"When I was in my 20s, I didn't think this way. Now that I'm almost 40, I do. I like to know a woman. I mean, really know her. I want to learn her body. I want to find different ways to make her cum. I want to help her tap into some sexual portals that she may have never known about before. That takes time and it's easier to do when you're focused on just one woman. When you're young and immature, you're all about variety and, because a lot of the sex is more about you than 'her', you don't care about how many partners you rack up. As you get wiser, you want more of a sexual experience. S—t, you already know how to nut. You want sex to be bigger and better than that.
"The woman I've been having sex with, solely, we've been doing this for a couple of years and it just keeps getting better and better. I'm not sure if I want to do the marriage thing, but finding another partner? Nah. I'm completely satisfied."
Christian. 42. Married.
"I'm really glad that I waited until I was 39 to get married. I did my thing. I dated a lot. I experienced my fair share of women. So, when I met my wife, I knew that I was choosing her from a clear headspace. If there's a guy reading this, don't let anyone tell you that married sex isn't some really good sex. Marriage doesn't end the sexy. It's all about marrying the right person. My wife is freaky. FREAKY. It's not just about that, though. I trust her. I like her. She really wants to please me and I really want to please her. I used to wonder if marriage would make sex boring but it really hasn't because we have sex on a totally different level than I had as a single man. I see fine women all of the time, but my wife is so good to me. Chicks out here are just background noise. I'm good where I'm at."
Ronnie. 47. Divorced.
"I'm too old for the bulls—t. I don't know what else to tell you. The more women you sleep with, the more headaches you've got. I know we're not supposed to talk about R. Kelly anymore, but a homie-lover-friend is just what I've got and I wish I had signed up for this a long time ago. My marriage was a headache. My divorce was a migraine. I'm not sure I'll ever jump another broom. I do like having one person to chill with and have sex with, though. We've been like this for, hell, almost seven years now.
"We both just want the space to be and to have sex with someone we trust. The s—t is dope. One of the best decisions I've ever made."
Tony. 24. Single.
"I've never been the kind of guy who just wanted to be 'out here'. So, I'm not. I started having sex my sophomore year in college and accumulated a few partners by the time I graduated. Since I've been out, I've been with one woman. She's not my girlfriend. We're actually best friends. I think because neither one of us are ready to get married any time soon, our arrangement works for us. I trust her. The sex is really good. I dunno. I met a lot of women in college who were crazy. I like being with one woman because of the sanity and stability of it all. That beats out having randoms every other night."
Warren. 31. Engaged.
"I'm a virgin. Believe it or not, I'm not the only male virgin that I know. I was raised to wait until marriage. I'm glad that I did. I know I'm not married yet, but I can already tell you that I'm glad I waited for my future wife because there's no baggage, no comparing, no other images of other women in my mind, no thinking that someone else does something better. It's just…us. I can't totally predict what the future will hold. I can say that I'm excited about seeing breasts and hips and what's in between for the first time with a woman who is committed to me and I am committed to her. It makes me see sex differently than a lot of people I know. I don't think monogamy will be a problem because we waited. If we can wait, we can stay faithful. We both believe that. Can't wait!"
There you have it. 10 men who are only have sex with one woman. Not all for the same reasons yet still all in the same boat when it comes to two commonalities—they're doing it on purpose and with absolutely no regrets. I told you that these kinds of men aren't unicorns. It's all about asking men where they stand. NOT ASSUMING.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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In 2024, there’s tons of thought and strategy that can go into dating online. While dating apps offer a convenient space to find potential partners, it’s become more complicated by the day to know just how to land a worthwhile match at all. With paywalls, roses, and Super Likes to push past while using dating apps, a common sentiment among singles is: do these apps really want us to find love at all?
Dating hopefuls are taking time to reevaluate their approach to dating as many discussions surrounding online dating are significantly influencing user behavior, particularly among Black singles. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing for BLK, these conversations shape the thoughts, expectations, and actions of singles and how they engage with dating platforms.
“The Black conversation shapes up the online dating world big time. We’ve seen how discussions around inclusivity, authenticity, and cultural relevance have driven more users to [dating] platforms, where they feel represented and understood,” Kirkland tells xoNecole. “But hey, it's all about personal vibes. Instead of buying into the hype, we're all about our community creating their own stories and shifting the narrative.”
How Online Dating Discourse Shapes Gen Z and Millennial Dating Preferences and Behaviors
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Across different age groups, distinct shifts in dating preferences and behaviors have been observed. Kirkland tells us that Gen Z prioritizes authenticity, social awareness, and online connectivity, while Millennials are focused on sharing values, pursuing their aspirations, and authentically representing their cultural identity.
These changes are not only shifting how singles are approaching the app, they’re influencing the flexibility in what was once seen as “non-negotiables" in long-term desires that are now becoming plausible considerations.
In a recent survey conducted by BLK, 100% of Gen Z and Millennials who participated in the study said they'd be open to starting a family with a friend. “It’s like, life's throwing them curveballs, and they're flipping the script on what family means,” Kirkland explains.
“Gen Z sees this whole platonic co-parenting thing as a game-changer for how we do families, making things more flexible and diverse. Millennials say it's all about building up your chosen family and locking down those intentional connections. Times are definitely changing.”
As culture evolves and social norms shift, these findings show that daters across generations are embodying a sense of adaptability in order to create the life they desire and love they deserve. That’s why we’ve tapped BLK’s Johnathan Kirkland to put us onto the 2024 dating trends that will help you win at love.
On the top trends singles can look forward to in the 2024 online dating space:
“One trend is ‘dawn dating,’ where you squeeze in dates before your workday kicks off. This offers a new level of convenience and efficiency,” he explains.
“And since it's an election year, get ready for 'partisan dating.' That's where singles prefer connecting with someone who's vibing on the same political wavelength. And with so many young voters more into the issues rather than the candidates, expect some real deep convos over policy matters.”
“Plus, we’re going to see more of a focus on looking after your mental health while you're dating. Platforms are rolling out initiatives to help you build solid relationships, while also prioritizing your own wellbeing,” he adds.
On the best icebreakers to hit a conversational flow with new matches:
Kirkland says that while breaking the ice can be difficult, one way to break the ice is to throw out questions that show your genuine interest. “Ask about their passions, where they love to travel, or maybe something cool they've experienced culturally lately.”
“It’s also nice to toss in a fun pop culture question, like, ‘So, are you #TeamMegan or #TeamNicki?’ It's all about getting that convo flowing.” he suggests. "BLK recently rolled out new profile prompts in our app last year to help spark these conversations. They're little conversation starters you can display on your profile, written or even voiced, so people can slide into your DMs without any awkwardness.”
On the best practices for users looking to connect with men who have aligned dating goals and avoid hookup culture:
“Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious, too. Look for hints in their profiles, like if they're talking about their future goals or if your interests and values seem to click. But it's not all about what's written down. When you start chatting, keep it real and open. Lay it all out on the table early on—no beating around the bush.”
"Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious too."
He continues, “Whether it's long-term love, a casual vibe, or just making new pals. No more wasting time on matches that aren't on the same page as you.”
On the advice he’d give to users who want to give dating apps another try, but are discouraged to do so:
“Let’s be honest. Dating apps are like any other technology —they're constantly evolving. So that app you checked out last year may have added new features, cool filters, and better ways to connect,” Kirkland says.
“If you're feeling a bit anxious about diving back into the dating app world, remember this: every swipe, chat, and date is a chance to learn something new about yourself. It's all about growth and discovery. Keep an open mind, but don't forget to set some boundaries and stay true to yourself. And if it all gets a bit overwhelming, take a breather.”
He adds, “Focus on some self-care, hit up your friends for a pep talk, or even chat with a pro if you need to. Because hey, who knows? The perfect match might just be a swipe away — so keep swiping.”
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