It's so easy to take our friends for granted; even the really good ones. In the back of our minds, we might be thinking they're doing what they're supposed to do as friends, so there is no need to acknowledge their consistency. At the same time, we can be so quick to communicate when they do something that doesn't sit right with us.
Sometimes we don't realize the efforts our good friends really go through to show they have our back. And it doesn't have to be as dramatic as it might sound. There are actually seemingly small yet meaningful ways we can show our good friends we see their efforts and appreciate them.
Ask Her How She's Really Doing
…And be ready to listen to the full answer without waiting for your turn to respond. This one can be difficult for all of us. I mean, as friends, it's clear that we can relate to each other on so many levels. So when she's telling her story, it only makes sense that you've gone through something similar and want to chime in; whether it's to reassure her she's not alone or to let her know it's not that bad. But at times it can be helpful to let her get her full story out, especially if she's venting. Because it can also be just as easy to start explaining how we "get it" and then make the conversation all about us. We're all human, so it's not the end of the world. But taking time to check on a friend and see how she's truly doing can show your appreciation in more ways than one.
Send A Thoughtful Text
GiphyA GIF goes a long way. You've probably already discovered that you and your BFF can have entire conversations with GIFs. Sending your friend a good morning GIF, an inspiring quote or scripture via text is something really small, but can truly help her know how much she's appreciated. I feel like this can be effective in a one-on-one text or even a lit group chat. I think we can all agree that we don't only appreciate good morning texts and thoughtful texts when it comes from our significant other. It might be a different type of feeling but getting a thoughtful text from a close friend can make one's day just the same.
Shout Her Out On Social Media
And it's not even her birthday. Have you ever had a friend gas you up on social media just because? Unless she's not on social media, this can be a really pleasant surprise. You never know when a good friend might need a little boost of confidence publicly and dedicating a Facebook status to her or a precious Instagram post can have her feeling herself in a way you didn't know meant so much to her. I'm in no way saying that your entire friendship has to be broadcast on social media for other people. But a simple shout out is a small but amazing way to let her know you see her, support her and most importantly appreciate her.
Support Her
Look, all of us are doing our thing, okay sis? Whether we're starting our own blog, just landed a new job, became a mom, broke up with a jerk, we deserve some type of celebration on the regular just for making it through another season of life. And showing our friends support during all of their ups and downs can express our appreciation. It's not looking for anything in return and saying, "Well since I was there for you on this, you need to be here for me." I think we can all agree that many good friendships are also reciprocal. But supporting her in everything from her tough decisions to new endeavors is more than a basic way to display your appreciation.
Send Her A Thank-You Card
There's never a bad time for a thank-you card. Especially if it's for someone you consider a good friend. She could have been there for you at a time that wasn't necessarily convenient for her, supported you, or done anything on this list. Sending a thank-you card is so genuine because it goes beyond the efforts of a simple text message. It shows that you went out of your way to show your appreciation. Plus, it's something she can hang on to that will last much longer than a text. We often send thank-you cards after interviews, after getting married, so why not send one out of simple appreciation for a good friend?
Give Her "Me" Time
Whether you're a self-proclaimed, proud clingy friend, or your friend has a lot going on from kids to work, being an outlet for her is such a great way to show you are grateful for her. You can offer to babysit her children (for the free), or just give her space if she's expressed she needs it, and just let her know you'll be there when she's ready to press play again. I think we all know that being all things to all people can get a little tiring. So give your friend a break to show how much of a difference she's made in your life. It not only reassures her that she doesn't have to be perfect, but it also lets her know she's allowed to take time to woo-sah if needed, so she can recharge and continue being a great friend.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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RELATED
There is quite a bit of science to back this up too. For instance, physical touch can lower stress and boost immunity. Physical touch makes us calmer and more compassionate. Physical touch reduces pain and anxiety. Physical touch helps to cultivate emotional intimacy with other people. Physical touch creates comfort and pleasure. Bottom line, physical touch does so much for us which is why we should learn as much about it as we possibly can.
That’s not to say that all of us desire to be touched in the same fashion, though. For example, did you know that there is quite a bit of research to support the fact that men and women (overall) long to be touched in different ways?
In the effort that we all become more “fluently effective” when it comes to how we “speak” the language of physical touch to those around us (especially when it comes to our partner), let’s explore how a man wants to be touched vs. how a woman prefers to be.
Men and Women Are Different. Even When It Comes to Touch. Why, Though?
GiphyBefore I get into some things that I discovered about men and women when it comes to where they prefer to be touched and how those places differ from one another, first let’s — pardon the pun — touch on why there is even a difference in the first place. Apparently, because women’s fingers are naturally softer, they are better when it comes to touch discrimination. What is that? Touch discrimination is basically having the ability to tell the difference between different types of touch sensations. And this is probably a big part of the reason why research also says that when compassion, anger, or happiness is conveyed through touch, men and women tend to respond/react a bit differently as well.
Case in point: One study stated that when two men try to convey compassion through touch, it doesn’t really resonate well, although men can detect anger, even through the slightest touch, extraordinarily well. And happiness? Well, when two women are sharing that feeling through touch, it is clearly conveyed — meanwhile, between a man and a woman or two men? Yeah, not so much.
The thought process for these three emotions is, when it comes to compassion because women have been the prominent caregivers throughout history, they have “mastered” the ability to express it. Anger? Remember, men are good at detecting it — studies say that it’s because they tend to feel and express anger more often; I’d venture to say that being protectors and providers requires being aware of that emotion far more often as well. Happiness? Reportedly, women tend to be happier more often than men are and they also convey their emotions, openly, more than men do too.
How Men Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphyOkay, so when it comes to unique things about men and women as it relates to touch, let’s start with the fellas, out the gate. I wanna do that because, when I was doing my research on all of this, I immediately came across something that proved what I just said in the intro. What part in particular? Did you know that, even when it comes to truly platonic friendships, men still wish that their female friends would engage in physical touch more than women do (via their male friends)?
That’s because, even when it comes to intimacy among friends, physical touch displays trust and a feeling of closeness — and research says that men find that to be valuable. And so yes, this does amplify the point that physical touch and the need for it go well beyond sexual intimacy.
Still, I’m sure that it comes as absolutely no surprise that if you were to ask a group of men and women who prefer the love language of physical touch more, it’s going to be men (especially if they are over the age of 45). And while there are many theories for why this is the case, mine is that, since men are traditionally known and expected to be providers and protectors and that is hard work, I think they feel safe, reassured, seen, validated and deeply cared for through physical touch. It’s a way for them to get “off of the clock” from using touch to take care of others to being touched in a nurturing way.
Some other interesting things about men and touch is, although women seem to be more at ease with being touched overall, guys are more comfortable with being touched by strangers, especially in a flirty way (in part, because they process it as a potential for “opportunity” — read between the lines there), they prefer women touching them over being touched by men and they are known to initiate touch more if who they are touching is a woman.
And what about touch as it relates to sexual intimacy? Well, according to science, while both men and women enjoy their genital region, lips, ears, shoulders, and inner thighs to be caressed, men also respond to the back of their legs to be touched while women barely even acknowledge that part of their body (in this way). Men also consider their hands to be an erogenous zone far more than women do. It should also be noted that men are more aroused by touching their partner than being touched by them.
How Women Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphySo, what about women and touch? Well, something that is associated with women quite a bit is affective touch. If you’re not familiar with what that is, affective touch is all about having the ability to touch in a way that cultivates feeling and emotion. Not only do women tend to be better at doing it, but they also find it to be a more pleasurable experience than men do. Research says that this is because of the fact that, overall, women have had more positive experiences, as it related to touch than men.
Something else that is interesting about affective touch is women who express themselves through touch are typically considered to be more affectionate and trusting as opposed to men who touch a lot. And so, since women like to give affective touch, they are also highly responsive to it — and that could explain why women like to touch and be touched (like reaching out to touch someone’s hand) when someone is sharing their thoughts and feelings with them.
Another thing to note about women and touch is because their pain perception is a lot more sensitive than men’s, even slight adjustments in touch (pressure, temperature shifts in body parts, etc.) will affect them in a way that won’t affect men. When it comes to sexual intimacy, specifically, this could explain why even a slight shift in touch can bring a woman into or take a woman out of the mood far easier and quicker than it would a guy’s.
Something else that should go on record here is how women respond to touch based on their menstrual cycle. For instance, when a woman is ovulating, she tends to be more sensitive to touch; plus, she also finds kissing to be more of a priority. Meanwhile, the drastic shifts in hormones during menopause and postmenopause can make women less sensitive to touch.
As far as sex and sexual stimulation go, women reportedly like to be touched more than to touch. Also, when a man looks into a woman’s eyes while touching her, that increases her arousal levels significantly (men prefer women to gaze at their genitalia; not sure if anyone is shocked there — LOL). Places where they prefer to be touched include their breasts, neck, and butt; some even say that they can orgasm just from being stimulated in those spots (along with their lips and ears). As far as the type of touch that is most effective for women during copulation, oral reigns.
And what about how men feel about oral sex? Well, I once read an article that said that 27 percent of the male participants in their study would rather get some fellatio tonight than receive a raise, so…you do the math. LOL (while we’re on the topic of oral sex, a little over 50 percent of men and women find it to be more intimate than intercourse and consider refusal to engage to be a relationship deal-breaker. Agreed).
GiphyOkay, so with all of this intel on how men and women differ in the touch department, what does all of this even mean? To me, it’s a blaring reminder that even something as simple as touching has billions of layers to it — that even though touch is something that we all need, the art of it is something that must be studied and mastered; especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex and even more so when that person is our partner.
And yet, we shouldn’t take this information lightly because, when you (again) factor in all of the ways that touch is holistically beneficial…just imagine how much better intimacy would be, on all levels, if we respected how people prefer to be touched more often.
A poet by the name of John Keats once said, “Touch has a memory.” Think about that the next time you reach out to touch someone — and they reach out to touch you. Then ask yourself: what memories do you want them to have? What memories do you want to keep?
How can all of this data help to make that happen?
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Featured image by Giphy