Cynthia Bailey Reveals She Started Popping The Pill Before Popping Her Cherry
I remember the exact moment I was asked about the advice that my mother figure gave me about sex that stuck with me and I staggered to give a response. The truth was, between being told repeatedly not to get pregnant (while not being remotely sexually active), then getting in trouble after bringing home a condom from sex-ed, to being told that having too many male friends made me "loose"...chile. I'm tired from just writing that sentence.
Real Housewives of Atlanta star Cynthia Bailey shares that in her childhood, her mother could never quite find the verbiage, and perhaps the nerve, to talk to her young daughter about sex. However, her mom did something very radical: gave her resources so that she could enjoy sex when she well and ready without having the risk of bringing a child into the world unintentionally. What she did instead was put her on birth control as soon as her period started. Cynthia shares:
"[I] grew up in the South, my mom didn't really talk to us a lot about sex. We didn't have the bird and the bees talk. Literally, once we were old enough to start our menstrual cycle, she put us on the pill... It was like no real explanation. It was like 'Oh you can have a baby now, so you take this every day.'"
This approach is liberating yet a bit sad, depending on the way you look at it. On one end of the spectrum, it can be seen as a mother protecting her daughter from unwanted responsibility and restriction of being a teen mom. On the other end, you can see the missed opportunity for a young woman to be educated about things like consent, pleasure, and unwanted sexual advances. One thing is for certain: sometimes it is impossible for someone to teach you what they themselves don't know how to confront and that doesn't make them inadequate, just perhaps ill-equipped. Cynthia shares:
"I think it was her way of saying 'I don't want you guys to get pregnant.' Had we not gotten on the pill, because we didn't have a lot of information, I probably would have three or four kids now and my life would have been very different."
In the end, I think her transparency really draws to attention how important it is to be intentional about the messages we give the little girls in our lives about sex. Whether we are a young woman's mother, sister, auntie, big cousin, or mentor, we have to remember that not talking about sex in a culture saturated by sex does a disservice to her development. It is just as much about what you don't say, as it is about giving negative information. The message given can either be empowering and informative or something she will have to spend years unlearning and healing from.
As for Cynthia, she is incredibly happy that she was given the tools to silently explore her sexuality:
"I'm just trying to live my best life and making up for the things my mom was not allowed to do. So, I kind of feel like I'm living a double life. I'm living for me, I'm living for her and in a lot of ways she's living through me."
Featured image by Jamie Lamor Thompson / Shutterstock.com
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
