Listen, don’t even get me started on all of the sheer creative geniuses that the Gemini season produces (you can check out a mere handful of them via an ESSENCE article from a few years backhere); however, when it comes to my DNA and some members of my tribe, we’re Gemini deep too. My paternal grandparents are both Geminis. My mother, her late brother, and my own brother are Geminis. My mother’s husband is a Gemini. Both of my goddaughters are Geminis. Two of my closest male friends are Geminis. And yes, I am a very proud Gemini as well.
And although I “don’t do holidays,” virtually everyone in my world knows that if there’s a time of the year when I’m gonna be close-to-obnoxious, without any type of reservation or apology, it’s June 17, especially when it’s a milestone year (read between the lines there, chile…LOL). And so, when my peeps asked what I wanted to do this year, especially when one of them suggested a party, all I did was roll my eyes as far back into my head as I could.
As an also proud ambivert (check out “What Exactly Is An Ambivert? How Can You Tell If You Are One?”) and someone who likes to keep my circles…separate (check out “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other”), the absolute last thing I want to do is pay to celebrate myself (ain’t it wild how most folks end up bankrolling their own birthday parties only for folks to eat up all of their food and oftentimes not even bring a gift?!) with a room full of folks. Nah, I prefer to go all out, even on “big” years, in a different kind of way.
If you just read all of that and thought to yourself, “FINALLY. Someone who gets where I’m coming from!” — whether you’re a Gemini too (and if so, Happy Birthday! We are so bomb!) or you consider yourself to be an introvert or ambivert and you have a birthday coming up over the next few months, here are seven ways that I have honored my own special day in the past and will be commemorating this year. It has worked hella well for me. Maybe it can be for you, too, sis.
1. One-on-One Dinners with Friends
GiphyHands down, one of my favorite ways to celebrate my birthday is to go out to eat with friends; however, I prefer to take the one-on-one approach. For one thing, y’all know that Geminis have different sides (that really is true), and so, since my circle is rather eclectic, I like to bond with each person individually.
Plus, when you go out with one person at a time, think of how many brunches, lunches, or dinners you can have (based on how large your circle is) that you don’t have to pick the tab up on.
For instance, this year, I am literally going out for three weeks straight, at least five days out of each of those weeks — and each friend has told me that I can go wherever I want to go. And chile, if there’s one thing that Music City’s got, it’s an abundance of restaurants and cuisines! Yep — a very celebratory approach that is also intimate and pretty non-stressful is to set up dinner dates with each friend instead of going out with a room full of folks. I’ve done it for years. I have not one regret.
2. Do an Annual Collection of Something
GiphyFor about the past decade, at least three people in my world will ask me, about a month out from my birthday, what I will be collecting for the year. For instance, this year, I’m all about a particular stone that symbolizes things like rejuvenated energy, spiritual evolution, and divine wisdom. It never fails that, right around April or so, there will be something that I am drawn to — whether it’s a certain color, a stone or crystal, or a certain type of jewelry…hell, one time it was Pumas (because the actual animal represents things like power and patience).
It’s cool to get a lot of things in a “theme” because it’s empowering and a confirmation to remain in that type of head and heart space until another year rolls around. If you’ve never done something like this before, consider it. It’s fun to see what people come up with once you put them in a general direction of something — something that you know you don’t only want, but you want to be emphasized in your life for the next 12 months.
3. Host a Virtual Party
GiphyWhen it comes to introverts, you’ve probably heard thatthere is so much going on within them that large groups can be quite draining (as opposed to extroverts who enjoy getting energy from outside sources). That’s why large parties, even when they are for them, oftentimes feel more like work than fun. Okay, but what if you’re having a milestone year and you want to find a way to merge a traditional party with your own personality type? Something that you might want to do is hold a virtual birthday party.
You can stagger out your guests by giving them different times to log in to something like a Zoom call; that way, you can control how many people you are dealing with at any given time and sign off when you know that your bandwidth is going low (it's also cost-effective as all get out!). Something else that’s cute about this idea is you can have different themes to each set of “callers.”
For instance, with your low-key friends, you can keep it casual on the appearance tip, and then, with your bougie friends, everyone can dress up. If this piques your interest and you’d like to get some planning tips, clickhere andhere for a few ideas.
4. Create a 'Date Yourself' Calendar
GiphyUh-huh. While social media is out here debating over $200 dates, what I want to know is how many folks who say others are “broke” make it a point to spend that much on themselves. Yeah…EXACTLY. LOL. There are so many benefits that come from “dating yourself.” It reminds you to prioritize yourself. It builds/boosts self-confidence. It helps you to learn more about your interests, passions, likes, and dislikes. It can encourage you to learn how to try new things. It’s a wonderful form of self-love.
And here’s the thing about birthdays — while God willing, you will have many more years to come, what you won’t ever see again is the age you will be on your next birthday…so, the more that you can prioritize to make it your best year yet, the better. In walks creating a calendar where you can plan dates ahead for yourself; ideally, no less than two of them a month. It can be a staycation, a day trip, or even just trying out a new restaurant. Starting off a new age with some pre-planned dates will always give you something to look forward to. Try it. I’d be shocked if you didn’t like it. A LOT.
5. Rock a New Lipstick, Crystal, Scent and Color
GiphyIf there’s one saying that irks the mess outta me, it’s “People can’t change.” Ain’t it funny how the folks who usually say something like that believe that no one else is capable — oh, but they can? Now, what kind of nonsense is that? The reality is thatthere are plenty of studies to back up the fact that most of us go through personality changes, more than once, over the course of our lives. One article that I read said that we tend to shift the most in the areas of neuroticism, conscientiousness, openness, extroversion, and agreeableness. For example, we might be “less neurotic about conforming to the group, less open to trying new things in order to savor the classics, less conscientious as they become more selfish, and less extroverted as they keep more to themselves” as we age.
A line that I particularly liked in the piece is we must accept that people are clay, not plaster. That said, since each year brings forth a new number, as you’re exploring what else may be different (or shifting), treat yourself to a new color of lipstick, a new crystal or gemstone to wear, a new scent to put on and a new “favorite color.” You’d be amazed by how much simple adjustments like this can have a pretty big impact on how you move in each new year of your life.
6. Get a 'Reward Yourself' Jar
GiphyThose of you who are day one Sex and the City fans will probably recall the episode when Carrie went to a child’s birthday party, someone stole her shoes and she registered herself to get the pair back from the couple. If you didn’t see it (you can watch a clip for contexthere), her bottom line point was singles are always supporting couples and parents with their stuff (ain’t that the truth, chile?), so they should be able to get some love, too. She’s right. Somewhat along these same lines, regardless of what your relational status may be at the turn of your next birthday, you should celebrate and reward yourself as often as possible.
If you agree in theory, yet your budget is rolling its eyes at you — get yourself a big ass jar to “reward yourself” with. Every time that you reach a goal, do something that you’re proud of or shoot, restrain yourself in a way that you wouldn’t have in the past, and put some money into it. It can be a quarter or five bucks. Along the same line of a sex jar that I recommend for long-term couples (check out “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar”), commit to not taking any money out of the jar until your next birthday rolls around; then splurge however you wish. It’s a totally debt-free way to prioritize celebrating you…year-round.
7. Find a 'Theme Word' for the Year
GiphyFinal one. You know, it never fails that right around my birthday and then around the time of year that I observe as the new one (Rosh Hashanah), I will pray and ask God to give me a new word to focus on for that season of my life. It also never fails that he will give me one. Like the year that my house literally blew up three days before Christmas (check out “My House Burned Up. Three Days Before Christmas. What It Taught Me.”)? 2022 was ROUGH. However, around my birthday that year, “replenish” was the word that came to me, and it gave me the strength to keep pushing to come up with a new normal for my life.
The word for my birthday this year? I’m going to keep to myself; at least for now. As for you and your own word(s), just remember that the Scripture says that death and life are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21), and so, it's important to respect the words that you use. As far as theme words go, they can really help you to orchestrate your life with clarity and direction. I can certainly attest to that.
___
Aight, like I said, this is my own birthday month, and with my own special day steadily approaching, let me get off of this thing so that I can go on another dinner date.
Ah, the life of an ambivert. Wouldn’t have it any other way. #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by mapodile/Getty Images
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
I’m not saying that your vagina doesn’t like it. I’m simply saying that it goes through a lot during those moments of copulation — and sometimes, it’s without the pre- (check out “15 Pre-Sex Rituals That Could Make Sex A LOT More Pleasurable”) and post-care that it not only needs but truly deserves.
So, in honor of all that our vagina’s go through during coitus, I wanted to shout out four things that you should do for “her” before you have sex and four other things that you should do once the get down is over — things that will make her (and ultimately you) feel so much better about what transpires…during.
Before Sex Tip #1: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Shave
Unsplash
My waxer and I are going to come to low-key blows in a minute if she doesn’t keep trying to take more and more hair away from my pubic mound. LOL. Me? I’m someone who likes my bikini line to be cleaned up; however, I prefer to not go completely bald. If you’re someone who is on the fence, something that may sway you over to my side of things is the fact that there is plenty of data out here that says pubic hair can help to decrease your chances of contracting an STI/STD.
One reason is that hair (everywhere) helps to protect you. Another is because, if you happen to shave or wax and then have sex 12-24 hours later, and your partner does have an STI/STD, there could be mild abrasions or cuts that could make it easier for what they have to be transmitted to you.
Listen, I’m all about a well-manicured treasure box happening — just make sure that you “handle that” a couple of days before sex…not mere hours before.
Before Sex Tip #2: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Avoid Washing Your Hands
Unsplash
It’s kind of hard to have sex without using your hands. That said, if fingers are gonna be all up and around “her,” they need to be as clean as possible, so that bacteria doesn’t end up pissing her off. This means that if your nails are long, you need to use a nail brush to dig up underneath them. This means that if he goes to the bathroom right before coming into the bedroom, he should wash his hands.
This also means that if you like to be on the adventurous side and bring “sex condiments” into the picture during foreplay (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), and there is stuff all over your fingers, hands should be washed then too. The main reason for the last one is food has a way of throwing off your vagina’s pH balance — and, whenever that happens, it can lead to an infection. And who the hell wants that, chile?
Before Sex Tip #3: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Drink Too Much
Unsplash
When you get a chance, do your vagina a favor and check out “Turns Out Sober Sex Might Be The Underrated Secret To Better Orgasms.” When you’ve got too much alcohol in your system, not only could it potentially cloud your judgment, but it can also tank your libido, decrease how much natural lubricant your body produces, and it can make it harder for you to climax as well.
As far as the lube part goes, the issue with that is alcohol dehydrates you, and let me tell you, there are few things worse than trying to have great sex with a dry va-jay-jay. All of that friction damn near feels like broken glass (not exactly but…close). Ugh. So, a glass of wine or a shot of Casamigos? Cool. Throwin’ back an entire bottle? Yeah, let’s not.
Before Sex Tip #4: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t "Forget" to Use Condoms
Unsplash
If you want to significantly decrease your chances of experiencing an unwanted pregnancy or an STI/STD, you need to use a condom — not sometimes, not partly during sex…each and every time and from start to finish when it comes to copulation. To this day, when used flawlessly, condoms continue to be 98 percent effective (around 87 percent effective otherwise). Not only that but if you are having sex with a new partner for the first time, his sperm/semen has the potential to throw your vagina’s pH off and that could lead to itchiness, irritation and/or some type of infection.
Look, I don’t know one person on this planet who thinks that wearing a condom feels better than “going raw.” Still, unless you want to get pregnant or you want to do a crap shoot with your health (at a time when STIs/STDs are on the rise, by the way), do you and your vagina a favor and bring condoms into the mix. Speaking of condoms (and your vagina), check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer,” so that using them can be as pleasant of an experience as possible.
Getty Images
After Sex Tip #1: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t “Mingle” with Sex Toys
Unsplash
Okay, so when it comes to “after sex,” I think that pretty much all of us can vouch for the fact that sometimes sex doesn’t stop so much as it…pauses. And during that refractory period, it can be common for one or both partners to do things that will help to keep the juices flowing (umm, so to speak). Thing is, if your sex toys have been moving around from place to place, this means that bacteria, fungi, or even viruses can be transmitted.
So, after the first sex romp, please wash your sex toys before inserting them, umm, elsewhere. Then, once you’re completely done, thoroughly clean and dry them and put them away. For tips on how to do this, based on the material that they are made out of, check out Self’s “How to Clean Your Sex Toys So You Can Use Them Safely.”
After Sex Tip #2: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Hold Your Pee In
Unsplash
Although I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor, when I stepped onto my college’s campus for the first time, I was pretty green about a lot of things when it came to sex. That’s why it threw me off when my freshman year suite mates were trying to convince me that holding urine in during sex intensifies orgasms. Chile…if y’all are out here doing that, that explains why there seems to be an uptick in squirting (some of y’all will catch that later — LOL).
Anyway, what I do know, as far as pee goes, is you should definitely release it after intercourse. According to science, making sure to use the bathroom after sex can help to push out germs and bacteria that may try to get caught up in your urethra, ones that could ultimately lead to a urinary tract infection (UTI).
After Sex Tip #3: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Use Harsh Cleansing Products
Getty Images
It can never be said enough that vaginas are self-cleaning — this means that, even after sex, yours does not need the assistance of douching or you attempting to “clean it out” with some sort of over-the-top body wash or heavily fragranced soap. All that will do is disrupt the pH of your vagina. As far as your vulva — the outer part of your vagina — goes, even that doesn’t need you to go overboard.
Some warm water and a mild, unscented soap are really all that you need, especially since you may have some mild abrasions due to the friction of the sexual experience. Oh, and if you are doing the most, thinking that you can get sperm/semen out of you — that’s not how it works. Once it enters your body, it’s gotta leave in its own time (which tends to be no longer than 5-7 days).
After Sex Tip #4: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Put Panties (Back) On
Getty Images
Even though men have told me that they feel more comfortable with putting a pair of drawers on after having sex, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically follow suit. I mean, unless you plan on getting right into the shower (and fully drying off afterwards), there is probably sweat and other fluids that could be a breeding ground for an infection if you decide to immediately put on panties, lingerie, or some other type of tight-fitting clothing on.
So, stay naked — at least from the bottom down. It’ll give your vagina (and vulva) some time to catch its breath and actually breathe. Yes, literally.
___
Without your vagina, sex would suck. LOL. And so, the least you could do is implement these eight tips as a way to show your appreciation. They’re simple things that can make a big difference in how your vagina feels — about sex and you before, during and after it. #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy