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Black Women On The Soft Life Routines They're Unapologetically Cultivating
Ease. Peace. Restoration. Preservation. Most of us have probably seen the #softlife hashtag trending or the caption “soft life era” making its way to our feeds on various social media platforms. But what does having a soft life really mean? Despite the way that struggle and hardship are sometimes placed on a pedestal, the soft life trend is about journeying along the path of least resistance, embodying softness, and sensuality, and therefore walking into the fullness of your most authentic self. It is unapologetic feminine energy, and by that I mean, a prioritization of being in a world that places value on doing, achieving, and accomplishing. Your quality of life is no longer about how hard you work, how much you do, and constant sacrificing and compromising.
Instead, the quality of your life is about vibrating higher and knowing who you are beyond those things that society feeds to you as a qualifier of your worth. You rest in your self. You are at peace with your self. You are at one with the nature of ease and the freedom of being. And therefore, you are at one with your self. And no a soft life era doesn’t mean you have to quit your job in order to enjoy the fruits of solitude. Instead, it is about no longer working yourself to the bone or operating from a place of burnout and low self-worth. It’s the antithesis of burnout because you enforce boundaries and limit the energy drainers that have access to you in place of the energy givers.
How can one do this? Alexandra Karlyn, a neuroscientist who is passionate about sharing her soft life journey to others through TikTok and Instagram, explains to xoNecole, "The key to soft living is to acknowledge that you are already worthy. You have nothing to prove to anyone and you don't need to fill a void, because you're already whole, you are already 'that girl.' Your value is not caught up in how productive you are or how well you fit into a capitalist model."
In order to start your own soft life journey, content creator Jaz Turner offers this advice to women, "Practice boundaries, first, with yourself. Do you dread going to the gym? Try a workout class. If that doesn’t feel right, try an at-home online program. Stay authentic, always. Choose the path of least resistance. Listen to yourself, and to your body. Date yourself, and get to know yourself again. Hype yourself up. Let people take care of you. Rest. Relax. Pour into yourself. Do things for yourself that bring the biggest smile to your face. Forgive yourself. Be soft and be gentle with yourself."
For more inspiration to start your soft life era, Alexandra, Jaz, and Anne-Marie O. share their transition from hustle culture to a soft life, what a soft life means to them, and their soft life routines. Here's what they had to say.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
I've started to realize that in order to be my best self I have to take breaks and take care of myself. Working 24/7 can get you jaded and obsessed about minuscule things, essentially leading to a whole lot of stress. It sounds bad, but it's simply not worth it. It's not worth it to compromise your physical health as well as your mental health for the sake of hustling and grinding.
As Black women, I often find that we go the extra mile to prove ourselves which often leads to us overworking ourselves. We feel that we have to be there and show up for everyone. My stance is that for now, I'm being here for myself first. I'm looking after myself first. If I am at my happiest, relaxed, and content, I will be my best version. I will be a better girlfriend, daughter, friend, acquaintance, etc. to you.
What is a soft life?
To me, a soft life isn’t lounging around lavishly or brunching to no end. For me, it’s simply avoiding stresses that can lead to burnout, both professionally and privately. It also means recognizing potential stresses and choosing not to invite those into my life. I always say a quiet and abundant life is a happy life!
What does a soft life look like for you?
Although I am a freelancer, I pretty much work 24/7 five times a week. I make it a priority not to be bound to my phone or my laptop after 5:00 p.m. on most days. I celebrate new clients, new skills, and new contracts - regardless of how big or small and often reward myself, whether it is something I've had my eye on for a while or making my favorite breakfast on the weekends. Traveling is also a great way to unwind and nourish your mind and body.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm a perfectionist so I used to get very stressed and bothered to complete all my tasks, even if that meant working until late hours. I'm now more likely to close my laptop because I recognize that in the grand scheme of things, it can wait until tomorrow.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
If my mind is right, my body is right. In the morning, I tend to listen to a meditation on what I currently want to focus on. The internet is great, there's a vast amount of free materials to listen to. Having a healthy breakfast also sets the tone for the day and even sets the tone to decide, “You know what? For dinner, I'm having my favorite takeaway meal.” Also saying yes more can open a whole new horizon of possibilities. Being flexible and open to being spontaneous can completely change the trajectory of your life. In good measure, of course.
For more self-care and soft life from Anne, follow her on TikTok @annemarie_akin.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
For me, my hustle culture came in the form of school. From college to law school, to business school, everyone around me was “hustling.” Staying up all night, working hard, grinding, was seen as a badge of honor. The more “stressed” you appeared, the smarter people assumed you were. This hustle mentality had worked for most of my academic career until it did not. My body started to negatively respond to the energy drinks, all-nighters, and law school stress. I realized hustle culture was actually affecting my mental and physical health.
It wasn’t until I left law school, went to business school, and started pursuing TikTok that I started to live in my authenticity. I saw other women on TikTok live in their softness and authenticity. I quickly began to be motivated and inspired to go slower. I saw they were not hustling, were achieving more, and were more purpose-driven than those who prized “hustle culture.”
From the morning routines I saw on TikTok I began to take my mornings slower. I implemented routines and nurtured my passions. I started to pour into myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to choose myself and resisted uncomfortability. I was soft with myself. And I noticed once I made this change, I started to achieve even more than I ever had through “hustling.” I was purpose-driven, intentional, and feminine, and started to achieve all my dreams through softness.
What is a soft life?
Soft life means different things to different people. I believe TikTok has a habit of confusing “soft life” with “luxury.” It can tend to over-romanticize this idea of soft life and pigeonhole it into neutral colors, Pilates, and green juice. This is not the case. At least for me, it isn’t. Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey.
"Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey."
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
Life has done a complete 180. I have actually accomplished more, achieved more, and have been a million times less stressed ever since entering my soft life era. Showing my healing journey, my soft life era, my femininity, on TikTok and IG has garnered a community of women who are like-minded, supportive, and authentic. I have built an income and a lifestyle from being soft with myself and motivating and inspiring others to live in this softness.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
For me, soft life comes in its most pronounced form in the morning. I start every morning prioritizing myself. From choosing an alarm of birds chirping to wake up to, to my silk PJs that make me feel like “that girl,” to my cute Pilates/yoga set. To going to yoga or Pilates or any low-impact workout that makes my body feel good. To coming home to drink my green juice and my favorite avocado toast. To journaling and meditating before engaging with my TikTok community. I do this routine every morning, and prioritize myself before anyone else. I do this so that I can give people my all throughout the day, but not before myself.
My soft life can also come in the form of setting boundaries. With myself, my personal relationships, and professional relationships. It means listening to myself and noticing how I am feeling, and what that feeling is signifying. I am consistently authentic with myself. I live in and nurture my femininity, and lean into what brings me joy and passion.
Soft life can also mean if I wake up in the morning and don't want to work out, then that is how I am feeling, I honor that feeling, and I proceed as such. If I don't work out, I may spend a few extra minutes meditating or doing something else “good” for myself that morning.
For more soft life motivation and inspiration from Jaz, follow her on TikTok @jazturner16.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
Several burnouts during lockdown led to my transition away from hustle culture. Before making the switch, I was staying up late dreading the next day, and was constantly exhausted by the balancing act that I had come to call life. Time was just moving too fast. My journey to living a "soft life" began with a list of things that I would rather be doing with my time. Subsequently, I began looking for ways to create a life around that list.
What is a soft life?
A soft life means no longer feeling guilty about prioritizing a life that makes you feel happy. We work to live, not live to work, and that is something that we often overlook.
What does a soft life look like for you?
My soft life currently reflects three aspects: time with my kids and spouse, time doing things that I enjoy, and time to just be. This often means sitting out in the sun, rereading my favorite childhood novels to my kids, morning bicycle rides to the bakery, and things that I used to do as a child (roller skating, swinging at the park, painting, etc.) Why should we stop doing the activities that made us happy as children? I think it's important to make time for those things into adulthood.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm happier. Now I have very clear boundaries when it comes to work and play. In addition, I've found that I procrastinate less and don't feel badly about not being productive every day. Ultimately, life no longer feels like a hamster wheel, one long work day with naps in between.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
It's important that we acknowledge that a soft life looks different for everyone. Some people have to work more hours, whereas others have more flexibility. At the moment, I have "on days" and "off days." My "on days" are structured and productive from a work perspective, those days are when the bulk of my responsibilities are met. In contrast, "off days" are mostly doing what I feel like doing. Typically that involves doing something I enjoyed as a child: going for a bike ride while eating ice cream, creating a home DIY, watching my favorite movie, taking myself to breakfast, or just laying in the sun doing absolutely nothing.
The best part about it is it's guilt-free because I've set boundaries on when I work and when I relax.
For more soft life living inspo from Alexandra, follow her on TikTok @lexakarlyn.
Featured image courtesy of Anne-Marie O.
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These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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Feature image by FotosbyFola
Common Says He May Be Ready To Put A Ring On Jennifer Hudson: 'If I’m Going To Get Married, It's To Her'
Rapper and actor Common stirred speculation about his future with Jennifer Hudson during a revealing TheBreakfast Club interview to promote his new album.
The couple, who sparked dating rumors in 2022, confirmed their relationship years later on The Jennifer Hudson Show. Since then, both have offered occasional glimpses into their romance during interviews and social media posts.
Common opened up about his relationship with Jennifer during his recent The Breakfast Club appearance. The 52-year-old discussed managing their high-profile romance, how the actress and singer has reconnected him with his roots, and hinted at what the future might hold for the couple.
Common On How He Handles Their High-Profile Relationship
When asked about his relationship playing out in the media, Common acknowledged the couple's celebrity status and the public's intrigue. "The Light" emcee revealed that he solely focused on building a solid foundation for their relationship to withstand external pressures.
“I just try to make sure we stay as sacred as possible with us. I try to make sure we build our foundation because once people start talking, they can distract you, can get you off, it can discourage you,“ he said.
Common On How Jennifer Helped Him Get Back To His Chicago Roots
Further into the conversation, Common shared how the daytime television host helped him reconnect with his Chicago roots - a shared background, as both were born and raised in the Windy City.
While discussing his new track "Chi-Town Do It" from The Auditorium Vol. 1 album, the rapper expresses his appreciation for Chicago and his love for Jennifer. Common elaborated that his relationship with the EGOT winner has led to frequent visits to Chicago, allowing him to spend extended time with loved ones and stay rooted in his community.
“I’m going to be real with you. Having a lady that’s from Chicago allowed me to go home and just be home,” he stated.”I hadn’t did that in a while. Where I was just like going home and being around my loved ones and didn’t have no work to do… So me going back just for regular shit, it just helped me stay rooted in what I do and who I am.”
Common On Possibly Marrying Jennifer Hudson
When asked about taking the next step with Jennifer, Common expressed optimism, citing that their healthy and loving relationship could lead to wedding bells.
"With all due respect to all the women I've dated, it's all love, but this is a really healthy and beautiful relationship…If I’m going to get married, it's to her,” he said.
This revelation suggests marriage may be on the horizon for Common and Jennifer. It's not the first time the Fool's Paradise actor has hinted at tying the knot, lending more weight to the possibility.
Earlier this year, Common revealed in an interview that personal growth and lessons from past relationships have transformed his perspective on marriage. The star sees himself ready for commitment, stating he'll propose when the timing feels right.
Although wedding bells aren't ringing yet, it's beautiful to see Black love flourishing.
Common & Pete Rock On Respect For Hip Hop, LL Cool J, Kendrick, Jennifer Hudson, New Album + More
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Feature image by Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images