I’m Not Saying She’s A Gold Digger.
The most ironic part about Black women being called Gold Diggers is that if that's the truth, then we aren't doing a very good job at it. Either we don't know how to dig for this gold or we've confused fool's gold for the real thing.
Despite leading the way in advanced degrees, college-educated Black women still make less money than other groups, including college-educated Black men, suffer from having disproportionate rates of poverty, access to quality healthcare, sexual assault, and sexually transmitted diseases (even though Black women are NOT any more likely to be promiscuous than any other woman).
So where is this pot of gold that we seem to be digging for?
A woman's desire to seek out the best provider for herself and her offspring is deeply embedded in our genetic coding. It is our feminine instinct to want a man with resources. It's one of the things that makes us feel secure in a relationship. However, Black women are continuously told that seeking out such a man makes her a despicable user.
Truthfully, most educated Black women do marry men less educated than them (mostly because the pool of college-educated Black men is small), and many of these marriages end in divorce.
"Degree-holding Black wives put their education to use. In Black families, college-educated wives often assume the conventional economic role of the husband. According to one study, married, college-educated Black women earn more than 60 percent of their household income, approximately the same percentage earned by the average White husband. College-educated Black women are sometimes the sole earners in their family, as more than one out of ten married, college-educated Black women have a husband who is unemployed." (Is Marriage for White People? Ralph Richard Banks, pg.85).
So, again I ask, where is this pot of gold we are supposedly digging from?
The Black community has done a good job at gaslighting Black women into going against their own feminine instincts by encouraging them to carry on the legacy of helping Black men out to fight against White "Supremacy," as though Black men are so impotent that they cannot do what men from other communities have done and are doing for their women, and that is BUILD! Building sustainable communities in which women and children can truly thrive.
The other irony is that nearly every other group of women on our planet practices hypergamy (the practice of marrying up to improve one's financial and/or social status) in some way, shape, or form, but simultaneously look to Black women to be the poster children for the "Strong Independent" woman who doesn't need a man to accomplish anything in life. These women will "Go Girl" you into making relationship choices they themselves would never make or encourage their daughters to make.
Related: Why Are Women Accepting Bare Minimum As Bae Material?
Take Peggy Drexler for example, who recently wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal entitled "Single Ladies, It's Time to Pony Up When the Check Comes" encouraging women to split and pay for the check on dates. After some digging, I found out that Peggy Drexler was married (last time I checked) to a man worth over two hundred million dollars. She is a NYC Research Psychologist, and I highly suspect she doesn't foot half the bills for her current lifestyle, but she wants you to.
What Peggy Drexler, and many other men and women, fail to understand is that the entire purpose for a man paying for dates on most of the dates during the courtship period is to demonstrate that he is both willing and capable of financially providing for a woman and any children should the courtship lead to marriage. So, men who cannot meet the bare minimum of affording dates (and they needn't be very expensive dates) should be eliminated from the pool of potential suitors altogether.
I strongly encourage Black women to raise the bar for overall standard of treatment in both courtship/dating and marriage and require men to build a table for you to bring something to.
Related: I Have A Perfect Response To "What Do You Bring To The Table?"
Men will live up to the standards we set. The same man who will bash women about being gold diggers, split bills on dates, and present himself as a mediocre package, will get himself together for the woman whose culture requires him to man up and be at a certain level to marry her. It's mating psychology, and our hardwired genetic mating psychology doesn't care about the latest new age dating trends.
Before I close, I'll leave you with a word about men and potentiality. There is nothing wrong with being with a man who is going places and has the potential to be very successful in the future.
The difference between a man with potential and a pipe dreamer is that a man with potential will be actively making moves to realize his set goals. He will also NOT require you to foot the bills for him to reach his goals during this time.
Black women desiring a man that will help her financially is a natural one (even if you can make your own money), and Black women wanting to practice hypergamy shouldn't feel ashamed.
Wanting a partner who can elevate your life in every possible way is so important, and it's not Gold Digging when the woman in question is kind, loving, nurturing, intelligent, and focused on building a family legacy.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Candice Adewole is a feminine arts educator, and certified life/relationship coach. She is passionate about helping Black women tap into the power of their authentic feminine essence in order to live truly magical lives. In addition to writing The Black Girl's Guide to being Blissfully Feminine, she has also authored A Girl's Guide to being a Lady in Waiting.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage