
I can't remember the first time that I heard this particular quote by a man named Don Schrader but, ever since I did, it has been something that I have brought up to church folks (especially the super churchy ones) whenever the topic of sex comes up. He once said, "To hear many religious people talk, one would think that God created the torso, head, legs, and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." Whew and I'm sayin'.
I get so tired of so many religious folks acting like sex is something that shouldn't be discussed when one, we are sexual beings (our sexuality is a part of our spirituality), and two, the Bible has plenty to say on the topic. And, when it comes to the Word, if there is a recurring point and theme, it's that husbands and wives should be having lots and lots of sex. Period.
As far as the Scriptural basis for marital sex, probably the automatic go-to verse is Hebrews 13:4 (NKJV). It says, "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." There are layers to all of this, so let's just focus on what comes before the semicolon for now; even then, one word is in it: undefiled. It's important that undefiled is taken into context. It doesn't mean that just because two people are married that they can just do…whatever. It means that the marriage bed is pure and pure means "free from anything of a different, inferior, or contaminating kind."
So y'all, if you are married, it's important to always keep in mind that, when it comes to whatever you and your partner decide to do, it needs to be something that won't contaminate (harm) your relationship. This biblical instruction is not something that any one person can decide on their own; both parties have to come to a mutual decision on what those acts are.
Yet once you did come to some common sexual ground, your sex life really should be on and poppin' on a regular and consistent basis. If you'd like a few extra Scriptures to support why I emphatically say that, I've got five for you to ponder.
Bible Verses About Sex In Marriage
1. Genesis 2:24-25 (AMPC)

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other’s presence.”—Genesis 2:24-25 (AMPC)
There's a reason why I chose to go with the word "erotic" over something that might seem more subdued like, perhaps, sensual in the title of this piece. Sensual speaks of being carnal, fleshly, and having a "lack moral restraints".
Quite frankly, I think that is a big problem with Bible followers and how they process the topic of sex; they see it through the eyes of being sensual rather than being erotic—"arousing or satisfying sexual desire" and "sexual love". Personally, that's why I also think a lot of people who grew up in the Church struggle with the very clear instruction that is found in Genesis 2; they feel naked and ashamed because the Church has a tendency to focus more on sexual sin than the beauty of the gift of sex for married people.
If you add that to the fact that a lot of folks struggle with their body image…it's no wonder that many husbands and wives are biblically disobedient. Disobedient how? Well, the Word clearly states that a husband and his wife, whenever they are naked in each other's presence, they are not to be embarrassed (be uncomfortably self-conscious) or ashamed (unwilling or restrained because of fear of shame, ridicule, or disapproval).
Man, imagine how much the sex lives of couples all over the world would change for the better, if spouses got this point down alone? If they realized that God never intended for a husband and wife to be naked and ashamed when it comes to how they feel in each other's presence or when it comes to the act of sex itself. Talk about gettin'—and stayin'—free.
2. Proverbs 5:15-20 (AMPC)

“Drink waters out of your own cistern [of a pure marriage relationship], and fresh running waters out of your own well. Should your offspring be dispersed abroad as water brooks in the streets? [Confine yourself to your own wife] let your children be for you alone, and not the children of strangers with you. Let your fountain [of human life] be blessed [with the rewards of fidelity], and rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant doe [tender, gentle, attractive]—let her bosom satisfy you at all times, and always be transported with delight in her love. Why should you, my son, be infatuated with a loose woman, embrace the bosom of an outsider, and go astray?”—Proverbs 5:15-20 (AMPC)
I've shared the story before about a pastor and his wife who once got on the pulpit to talk about how they don't participate in oral sex while also sharing that they don't really get why anyone else would want to either. It was hilarious what the first lady's mother said in response, "Well, that's you and your house." Indeed. Not to get super deep into theology or anything, but there are some religions (and Christian denominations) that denounce oral pleasure because they believe that sex is solely for the purpose of procreation (you know, thanks to the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing—Genesis 1:26-28).
Yeah, I don't get that, since Adam and Eve were given sexual instructions in the Garden of Eden but didn't conceive kids until after they were out of it (Genesis 4). And what about couples who don't want children or, for whatever the reason, can't have any?
Besides, I'm assuming that church leadership knows what a cistern is. But, just for safe measure, it's defined as being "a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid" and "a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body". I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who is married to an Aquafina water bottle, so that leaves vaginas. And when it comes to the "let her bosom satisfy you" part? I also don't know any man who has gotten a woman pregnant by rubbing on her breasts and Scripture is clearly all about husbands enjoying their wife's breasts too (check out Live Science's "New Theory on Why Men Love Breasts" sometime).
Finally, if you add to all of this the fact that there are all sorts of benefits that come from fellatio and cunnilingus—you get why I write articles on here like "What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain't So.", "Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This." and "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm" without reservation, hesitation or apology.
Oral sex is a blessing. The Bible says so. Married folks, don't miss out.
3. Song of Solomon 1:16 (NKJV)

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“Behold, you are handsome, my beloved! Yes, pleasant! Also, our bed is green.”—Song of Solomon 1:16 (NKJV)
This, hands down, is one of my favorite verses in the Bible when it comes to cultivating sexual intimacy. While on the surface, it might not seem like much, take a moment to look deeper. First of all, the Bible was translated out of the Hebrew language and the Hebrew word for beloved is "yadid" (or yedid). It also means favorite and desired.
While many of us aren't—or won't be—virgins on our wedding night, something that we can definitely strive to be with our spouse is their sexual favorite. Something else that we can—and should—do is want to make them feel like we desire them. That we crave them. That we long for them. That they are able to ignite sexual urges within us that no one on this planet can.
There's more, though. Our bed is green. Green is a dope color. It's not just the color of nature (which is where Adam and Eve were created in), it also symbolizes health, harmony, safety, growth, and fertility. The very first time that I read this verse, I was like, "If I ever get married, I'm getting some green bedding, fa sho." So married people, even if you only decide to go with a plant, consider also putting something green in your bedroom. It can serve as a reminder that your marriage bed is holistically healthy—emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and otherwise.
4. Song of Solomon 2:6 (NKJV)

“His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.”—Song of Solomon 2:6 (NKJV)
I don't know how many times and, on how many platforms, I have shared that, when it comes to the problems that husbands and wives bring to me, 90 percent of them are directly connected to sexual dissatisfaction on some level. Some are not having sex as much as they would like (see "Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight."). Others say that they never have time for sex (sex is not something you really have time for; you make time for it—see "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex").
Others don't realize that things like boredom, not emotionally connecting throughout the day, and a lack of "landscaping" is doing all sorts of damage to their sexual relationship (see "7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It"). The reasons are endless. Yet, the one thing that all of the explanations have in common is, that when a husband and wife are physically able to have sex and aren't, it's not healthy for a relationship. Not only that but, more times than not, the "unhealthiness" is going to manifest in other areas of the marriage too.
That's why I think that this verse of the Bible is important. It's mostly due to the word "embrace".
Embracing your spouse is not just about giving them a hug. It's also about receiving them gladly and eagerly, accepting them willingly, and making yourself available to them. This one simple sentence speaks volumes to the fact that when you're married, it's important to make your spouse a top priority and to want them to feel desired in a physical and sexual way.
It's also a reminder that if this doesn't resonate with you, it's a good idea to do some deep soul-searching as to why…because embracing your partner should be a given, not a special occasion occurrence in a marital union.
5. I Corinthians 7:3&5 (AMPC)

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and likewise the wife to her husband...Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.”—I Corinthians 7:3&5 (AMPC)
There are a lot of great things about this particular Scripture. The very first sentence is a reminder that God expects married people to have sex; that it is a marital responsibility, of both a husband and a wife. From there, peep how the Bible states that not having sex (except for mutual reasons) is an act of deprivation and even defrauding your partner. To deprive is "to remove or withhold something from the enjoyment" and to defraud is "to cheat."
According to the Word itself, consciously going without sex is a form of withholding enjoyment and cheating your partner out of something that they are supposed to get out of their marital relationship. Not only that but, when someone decides to do that, the Bible says that it gives Satan (dark forces), the ability to tempt you and/or your partner. Tempt means "to entice or allure to do something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral."
I can't tell you how many times someone (usually it's a wife) has told me that they are ready to end their marriage either because their spouse had an emotional or physical affair. When I ask how long it's been since they've had sex and I get something like, "It's not a priority to me" or "I haven't been in the mood", and that's been the case for months on end, and then I refer the person to these verses in the Word, it's kind of crazy how they immediately get triggered. Again, sex is not just a want in a marriage; it's a need. It's a staple. As the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16 states, "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'"
Sex is an act that spiritually makes two people one and, remember that in Genesis 2, the Bible says that a husband and wife are to embark upon the lifelong journey of "becoming one." So yes, every time that a married couple has sex, "oneness" transpires. Oneness means "a strong feeling of closeness or affinity; union" and "unity of thought, feeling, belief, aim, etc.; agreement; concord" and "sameness." No wonder, even God's Word not only recommends but instructs that married couples get it in as often as possible!
It's not just about physical pleasure (although that is indeed a part of it). It's also about doing what reminds them that they are to have a strong feeling of closeness to each other, that they are to get into a state of unity and agreement, and that they are to get onto the same page, as much as possible. And sex? It's an act that helps to make all of this possible.
These are just five verses. Trust me, if there was more time and space, I could go on (and on and on and on). But I'm hoping that you take these verses extremely seriously if you are a married Bible follower. And, if you're not, maybe you'll see the Bible, as it relates to sex between a husband and wife, in a different light.
As the Message Version of Hebrews 13:4 says, "Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband." Marital intimacy is beyond dope. Make sure that you do.
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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'Constant Reassurance' Is The Relational Orange Flag No One Wants To Address
Read more than scroll. Boy, if there is a motto that I would encourage people to implement, now more than ever in their life, it would be how important it is to read (actual books, researched data and fact-based information) over merely scrolling via social media. Because boy — every time I look out on apps to see what folks are talking about, I don’t know if I’m impressed with or appalled by how many nothing-more-than-emotionalized opinions are so boldly stated when, after five minutes on Google, it’s clear that there are virtually zero facts to back them up.
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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