xoNecole's Moms Who Inspire series highlights modern day moms mastering all the tasks on their plate, from day to day responsibilities to ensuring their children are kind, educated and well-rounded human beings. Each mother describes their inspiration, what motherhood means to them, and how they maintain their sense of selves while being the superwoman we all know and love.
Ayana Gibbs is a mom who believes women should continue to be authentically themselves and accomplish the goals they had before becoming a mother.
Ayana was always very curious about people and storytelling, and because of this, she gravitated towards journalism in undergrad, and strategic communications in grad school. She was 22 years old when she became a mother fresh out of college. Like most young black women on a mission, motherhood wasn't part of her plan. Especially since she'd just left a broken relationship. But once she became a mother and rekindled her love for self, she refused to let statistics to cripple her.
Ayana and her daughter Ayo@ayanaiman
Related: He Pursued Her On Twitter, Now She's The Love Of His Life
Ayana believes she set herself free to be a damn good mother, and uses her platform to share her story. Today, the public speaker, certified professional life coach, and chief communications officer helps other women transition through pain and heartache.
As a Mom Who Inspires us by helping other women put their best foot forward, Ayana discusses her life as a mother and how being truly good to her daughter means to be good to herself first.
On her happiest memory as a first-time parent:
Just watching her smile in her sleep. She was unmoved by the troubles of the world or what she did or didn't have, she existed in pure harmony. I loved that, and when I was with her, I experienced the same. There wasn't a moment I would look at her and did not smile.
On the moment in her career that tested her determination:
I was working in higher education as an executive assistant and felt like I had lost my way. It was a field I had no interest in and my time at work extended after hours and before I clocked-in, which had adverse reactions to my health.
At the time, I was determined to find stability financially and provide a home for my child, but I knew staying wasn't an option.
I diligently worked to secure my goals in less than four months and committed to being a full time grad student, while I started my speaking career. I learned you can't always force yourself to exist in all situations and that you have to make a decision before one is made for you.
On how her mother has influenced her parenting style:
I would describe my mother as one word: Interesting. We share a lot in common - we're empaths, charismatic, fiery, new age thinkers, natural chefs, and can light up any room. My mother raised us to be expressive, so free speech and affection were essential to our family dynamic. In many ways, it shaped my ideas of parenthood.
I've continued to express my love and support of my daughter by giving her the tools to empower herself.
My mom allowed me to make my own decisions because she knew what I was capable of and I continue those same tactics. I want my daughter Ayo to know the weight of her decisions and feel confident in decision making, while I guide her to a possible outcome.
On the power of pivoting in your career:
I firmly believe in the power of pivoting, which allows you to be flexible in all situations, even the uncomfortable ones. Learning to pivot allowed me to go seek "my cheese" elsewhere and not be attached to where it used to be. I move with intention. When your account is in negative and it feels like the world is on your shoulders, you need faith to see your way through, while taking action to bring your goals to fruition.
On what a typical day in her household looks like:
On a good day, I'm up by 6 am to work out and take a shower before Ayo wakes up so we can eat breakfast together. She comes out her room and tells me to put on her favorite show while she takes a seat at the table in perfect view of the television. She has cereal, while I enjoy [an] egg white and spinach omelet. We get dressed and head out the door to drop her to school while she asks a million questions. Depending on my workflow, I head to an office or go back home to work until it's time to get her. I ask about her day where she faithfully responds "good," as we head home to unwind. Me catching up on emails, her on the iPad (writing her letters before any shows - issa rule), then dinner whenever I get to it (trying to be better), bath time, and bed by 8:30 pm. Again, on a good day.
On the unexpected life lesson her daughter is teaching her:
I'm an affectionate parent and there's no shortage of "I love you" in my house, however, Ayo is teaching me the power of a hug. Hugs can be healing and necessary for soothing pain. This lesson reminds me to surround myself with people that make me feel safe and seek them out when I need to be uplifted.
Strong women need love too.
On the life advice she'd give her daughter:
I want Ayo to learn from me that action is a prerequisite for greatness. Life can be tough and there will always be uncertainty and the only way to change the narrative is to take control and take action. We always have that choice.
On how she practices self-care:
My ultimate self-care practice includes prayer and meditation, it's the way I release stress while aligning with gratitude.
I make time to be present and get quiet, alone. But sleep is my favorite thing to do when my daughter is not around (laughs).
On the unique ways she shows her daughter she cares:
I become the tickle monster and chase her around the house for tickles. Like me, she can't handle it. It's always fun to laugh it up. I also practice affirmations with Ayo so we repeat these mantras daily. Our favorite ones include: I am love, I am forgiving, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am wise, and I am amazing.
On who inspires her to be a better mother:
Mothers who are innovators inspire me as they embark on new territories in their perspective careers, like, Bozoma Saint John, J.K. Rowling, Wendy Williams, and the countless mamas that I meet in person or see on my timeline that are taking on motherhood on their terms.
For more Ayana, follow her on Instagram. Also be sure to check out her inclusive dialogue chats with Authentic Convos.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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