Dwayne & Whitley Were Never Relationship Goals
It's one of the most iconic, more memorable and arguably one of the most talked about moments on Black television.
Everyone remembers how they felt the first time or hell even the 100th time they watched Dwayne run up the aisle, confess his love for Whitley and run off into the sunset with his new bride. It's every girls dream. But it shouldn't be.
I've literally watched the entire series of A Different World at least 60 times throughout my life but this time, season five (the season Whitley gets married) burned me to my core.
At 16, this scene was a classic example of a man who was truly in love and put his pride aside to go after the woman he loves. He realized that he would never find another woman like her and got his "shit" together to win back the love of his life. Why wouldn't anyone WANT a man like Dwayne?
Sure, he wasn't the type of man she was attracted to. And okay, maybe he didn't have even a third of the qualities on her checklist. But at least he treated her nice. At least he liked her. At least he…at least, at least, at least. I was only 16 but I knew this much, if my man didn't fight for me like Dwayne "fought" for Whitley, it wasn't real love.
But at 32, this scene has an entirely different message. I'm ashamed to admit that I once thought this was the ideal relationship. As I sat here and watched the season play out, I realized why I was so annoyed and bothered. It hit me.
I've met Dwaynes before and Dwayne was, is, and will forever be trash.
To put this into perspective, let's travel down memory lane:
The first season of A Different World centered around Denise Huxtable. This was the first woman he was infatuated with who, as to be expected, did not return the interest. Denise, much like Whitley, was completely out of his league, something he already knew but that did not stop him from constantly and often inappropriately, forcing himself on to Denise. It is important to remember that initially Dwayne did not want Whitley. In fact, he couldn't stand Whitley. He thought she was a stuck up, rich kid who only got into Hilman because her family had money. He didn't even respect Whitley as a person.
Going back as far as the very first season, Dwayne was constantly making fun of, harassing, and belittling Whitley for how she talked, the way she dressed, and often poked fun at her making reference to what he assumed to be her "lack of intellectual capacity." Denise leaves, crushing his dream for Einstein babies with hippy style, so now he's left with no one to fancy. In enters Whitley.
The woman he once considered to be an annoyance has become less repulsive and more like a challenge.
He accepts.
He knew that she was out of his league and that she wanted a certain type man, and made it a point to constantly berate her and the standards she had for herself, guilting her into thinking that wanting more was a problem. She finally falls in love with him. She loves this man so much, that even the threat of losing her inheritance wasn't enough to make her end it.
She was completely gone. He had her. Over the course of their relationship, Dwayne the Nerd transforms into Dwayne the Stud. He dresses better. He walks differently. He talks with more confidence. People listen to him when he speaks. They take him more seriously. And while no one will say it out loud, that respect comes partially (or primarily) from the fact that he is dating Whitley. He was always smart. This goes without saying. But he wasn't respected. He had it all.
Then, Dwayne screws up.
The night before Whitley is set to leave for her summer job, she overhears Dwayne talking on the fire escape with Ron about the doubts he was having about them separating for the summer.
Ron challenges him, stating that if he really wanted Whitley, he wouldn't be giving up so easily. This challenge attacks Dwayne's ego sending him into a mini man-tantrum, all of which is heard by Whitley. On the night of her departure, Whitley tells Dwayne that she has also been thinking, and she doesn't think that a relationship is something that they need at the moment.
Uncertain of what just happened, and with his pride on the ground, Dwayne does the unimaginable. As she disappears into the dark, Dwayne in one last desperate attempt to reclaim himself, screams after her, asking her to marry him. The season ends with Whitley stopping in her tracks, turning to face him and the episode ends.
The following season opens with Dwayne and Whitney now living together in their new quarters on campus. Whitley is chasing Dwayne around the apartment, demanding that he give her the ring she had been waiting for all summer. That's right. She accepted the impromptu proposal sans ring and it appears that the couple is "happy". Everyone is getting along. Everyone is looking forward to the wedding. Dwayne is still the "man". Life is good. And then, Dwayne screws up again.
Feeling as if he is missing something, he makes the decision to entertain another woman hours before his engagement party. Whitley, feeling hurt and betrayed by Dwayne calls off the engagement. When you think about it, Dwayne is the definition of the "nice guy/nerd" who just wants to be your friend but he really is just silently waiting for the right vulnerable moment to make his move.
He went from being her annoying bothersome headache to being her "goofy, dorky friend" to the man she fell in love with. Sounds romantic, right?
He watched her moves. He watched who she dated. He listened to her problems and made sure that he was the first ear to listen when she needed one. On the surface, it sounds sweet but when you snap back and think about it, considering how it all played out, it's a little disturbing.
Whitley then happens to meet a dashing young aspiring Senator who is completely in awe of her. They immediately hit it off and quickly land into a relationship. Byron wants nothing more from her than her. She doesn't have to change who she is. She doesn't have to pretend to be "humble". She doesn't have to settle or go without. It's the relationship she has always dreamed of, and before Dwayne, the kind of thing her dreams were made of. Soon after, Whitley gets engaged and Dwayne finds out. He is enraged.
How dare she get engaged? This was supposed to be a phase. She wasn't supposed to really get serious with this man. She was supposed to wait.
Dwayne waits until the night before the wedding to make his move. He makes his way into Whitley's presence by arriving unannounced to her home, and makes this announcement of remorse and regret for all the things he has done. He must really love her, right? Because only a man truly in love would wait until the night before your marriage to another man to show up and apologize for hurting you all those months ago.
He tells her that the pressure she was putting on him before to "do better" was exactly the type of "pressure" he needed to "get his act together". And suddenly, on the eve of her marriage to man who doesn't "need" her to pressure him, he's had this epiphany. Whitley's eyes begin to tear up as she is now forced to once again remember what she was trying to forget. He then turns to her and asks her if they were all of that to each other, why didn't their relationship work? He watches Whitley choke.
Before she can answer, he jumps up in a "welp, that was fun" manner, stating that he didn't know why either. Being sure to leave no corner unturned, he grabs a flower from the garden, kneels down on one knee, hands the flower to Whitley and says, "I always knew you would make a beautiful bride, Whitley Gilbert."
He leaves, stopping only for a second to catch one more glimpse of a now emotionally distraught bride sitting in the garden crying.
Now, she's confused.
She was already having doubts but now what? She decides to go through with getting married, or at least try to. She should be happy, but she's torn and she doesn't know what to do. Everyone around her is excited and beaming with joy and she is struggling to keep a smile on her face. Then, the iconic scene begins to take place.
Everyone at the altar has taken their place. Whitley has successfully been walked down the aisle. Her family and friends looking on in awe of how beautiful she looks. And then, Dwayne makes his move. He had her cornered. It was now or never. If he was going to be successful in his plan, he had to put on extra. He had to do something, anything, to prove that he was the better man, because his ego would not let him lose. So, he did the unthinkable.
He crashed her wedding, coming in proclaiming his love in front of her, her family, all of their friends, Byron and all of his constituents.
DON'T MARRY HIM, WHITLEY. MARRY ME. BE MY WIFE. LOVE ME NOT HIM.
He cried. He screamed. He begged. He fought. He was hoping that this public display of sincerity would win him the prize of having Whitley Gilbert as his wife, and it worked. No woman wants to see the man she loves cry. With that said, Whitley looked at the man who had done nothing wrong but love her, apologized for wasting his time, and then ran off to hug the man who fought for her love. But he didn't fight for her love. He fought for the right to call her "his". He fought for his ego.
Whitley made the decision that a lot of black women tend to make when dating and picking partners:
We allow our emotions and our need to see the "potential" in a person to cloud our judgment.
We hear a good word from a slick tongue and see a glimmer in the eye that looks like a tear, and we are ready to throw away all of our common sense and all of the lessons that history has taught us, in hopes that this time around it will be different. Certain opportunities only come around once in a lifetime and we will throw all caution to the wind for love.
Love is beautiful when it is healthy and productive. Love is a beautiful thing when it is grounded on mutual respect and growth.
Who knows who, what, or where Whitley would have been if Dwayne hadn't seen her as a conquest that needed to be conquered. Would she have ever met Byron? Would she have married someone else like him? Would she have ever gotten her dream of being the "trophy wife" she always dreamt of being? Regardless of whether you agree with that type of lifestyle, it was her dream and she was allowed to want that for herself.
Whitley was a challenge. She was difficult. Her demanding nature, her refusal to settle, her ambition, her firmness...all of which made the chase that much more exciting. He completely stripped Whitley of all that she was, and she became a mirror of him. This is how most Dwaynes operate.
Dwayne and Whitley's storyline was a toxic tale of a male's ego and the damage it can cause to a woman if she's not careful and diligent in protecting herself.
Don't be Whitley. Marry Byron.
This article was originally published by https://www.jenniferrenee.co.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Monolith. If you’re blessed enough to get several decades under your belt while remaining in your (relatively) right mind, if there’s one word that you will find yourself using more and more often, it’s "monolith." The reality is, that very few things fall into the category of being “something having a uniform, massive, redoubtable, or inflexible quality or character” — sex included.
That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “8 Kinds Of Sex Every Couple Should Have In Their Rotation” because, as you’re about to see in a moment, sex is too grand to be limited and, like I tell some of the couples that I work with, sometimes having intimacy issues in their relationship is because they haven’t explored and then discussed the type of sex that they enjoy most.
And, as you’re about to see, there are more than just a few.
1. Oral Sex
Oral GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyFellatio. Cunnilingus. Anilingus (also known as rimming). All of these fall under the definition of oral sex because oral sex is all about using one’s mouth to stimulate their partner’s genitalia. It’s funny because I recently saw an Instagram post where a woman was asking if folks could only get oral sex or intercourse for the rest of their lives, which one would they choose? And y’all, when I tell you that the answers were polarizing as hell. No side really won by a landslide. Interesting.
What I did notice is that when it came to orgasms, specifically, many of the women went with oral sex; which makes sense considering an overwhelming amount of women climax with the help of clitoral stimulation (only about 18 percent can cum from intercourse alone) — and oral sex is one of the best ways to make that happen. If you add to that the fact that you can receive peak sexual pleasure without the risk of pregnancy — yeah, oral sex is a win for many people whether it’s seen as an act of foreplay or the…main event.
2. Vanilla Sex
GiphyYou know what I saw that was actually pretty good (other than Drew Sidora’s character perpetually playing a victim when she was doing the very stuff that she was accusing her man of): Todd Tucker (you know, Kandi Burruss’s husband) movie, The Pass. If you haven’t seen it (yet), the main married couple are Maurice (Rob Riley) and Nina (Drew Sidora). Nina was already on a slippery slope, off top, because consistent sex in their relationship was not something that she was prioritizing (check out “What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage”). However, when she did “fit it into her schedule,” vanilla sex was something that she was super fond of.
For the record, if there is a sexual position that is the mascot for vanilla sex, it would have to be the traditional take on the missionary. It’s considered to be traditional, conservative — the kind of sex that people who think that intimacy is for procreation more than anything and kinks should be avoided as much as possibly typically go for. In short, super-religious folks are gonna always revert to vanilla sex.
Now even though I didn’t just present vanilla sex to be fireworks central, I don’t think that anything is wrong with it any more than I think that something is wrong with preferring vanilla bean (which is always better than French vanilla, in my opinion) ice cream; especially since science says that missionary is what gets women the most consistent orgasms. Just make sure not to take the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach to it. Although missionary can be effective, if it’s all you ever do, it can end up becoming somewhat…boring.
This brings me to the next kind of sex.
3. Adventurous Sex
GiphyFolks who have the “I’ll try anything at least once” approach to life are usually all about adventurous sex. These are the kinds of people who aren’t afraid — or even hesitant — to try out certain kinks. They are the ones who you will hear had sex in a strange location and all you’ll do is shake your head or Elmo shrug. They are the people who will videotape themselves more than once (check out “Before You Make A DIY Sex Tape, Read This.”) and create bucket lists (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”), seemingly on a quarterly basis because that’s how intentional they are about trying new things.
Probably the best way to describe those who like adventurous sex is they’re adrenaline junkies which can be cool — so long that they aren’t so “on the hunt” for the next “high” that they don’t realize that intimacy, connecting, and not having to hang off of the chandeliers each and over time are good things too.
4. Morning Sex
GiphyI’ve been working with married couples for close to two decades now and when it comes to the healthiest ones in the bunch, one thing that they have in common is they prioritize sex (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?” and “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). Even if they can’t do it the 90s R&B way (you know, all night long, chile), they will fit in a quickie or some morning sex — and good for them.
Morning sex gives you a good dose of “feel good” hormones at the start of your day, helps to strengthen your immune system, makes it easier for you to be productive through the day, helps you to feel closer to your partner until you can be in each other’s space again and, some studies even say that it can give you stronger orgasms too.
You know, I once read that almost 65 percent of women never engage in morning sex — that is absolutely insane to me. Now that you see all of the ways that it can benefit you (and your relationship), if you happen to fall into that tally, maybe give morning sex a shot to see if it can become your new favorite type of sex.
5. Spontaneous Sex
GiphyNatural. Impulsive. Without premeditation. These are some of the words that are typically used to define the word “spontaneous.” When it comes to sex, specifically, what I like about it (especially when it comes to couples who have been in long-term relationships) is that it reveals what happens when people are so into each other that they simply can’t hold back; they’ve got to have each other NOW. Spontaneous people send each other nasty texts just because. Spontaneous people meet up at home at lunch (and not to eat…well, traditionally so…LOL).
Spontaneous people book hotel reservations on a whim. Spontaneous people have sex in the middle of the night. Spontaneous people are oftentimes very vocal about how they feel and what they want when it comes to copulation. One of the best things about being a spontaneous individual — and definitely liking spontaneous sex — is everything doesn’t revolve around a plan. Spontaneous sex is very lust-driven and since lust means things like “intense sexual appetite” and “uncontrolled desire” — in context, what could possibly be wrong with that?
6. Synchrony Sex
GiphySynchrony is all about something happening simultaneously. So, when you apply this word to sex, it’s when you and your partner feel totally in sync with one another on a physiological level. For instance, some studies say that a blind date is a win or an epic failure based on how much physiological synchrony comes into play because it’s all about things like heart rates beating at a similar pace and even skin conductance (which is literally like an electrical current that is exchanged) aligning. And just how in the world can you create this if it doesn’t come automatically?
Engaging in things like orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”), spending time holding hands and cuddling, being intentional about spending quality time together — all of this can create physiological synchrony which can, in turn, intensify intimacy. Something else that’s cool about synchrony sex is when your bodies are on the same wavelength and you’re able to “breathe together,” it can increase your chances of experiencing an orgasm at the same time as well.
7. Solace Sex
GiphyIf you or your partner is someone who struggles with some level of anxiety, some or more solace sex may be what is needed. Solace sex is basically all about providing someone with reassurance. That said, I do think it’s important to go on record that this shouldn’t be used as a crutch.
What I mean by that is, if you are constantly participating in solace sex because someone has a crippling level of low self-esteem or they are extremely insecure, having sex with them to make them feel better about themselves is ultimately going to be counterproductive and, quite frankly, could end up turning into something toxic.
A lot of people engage in solace sex, whether they realize it or not; and that’s how sex ends up being misused instead of fully enjoyed (some of y’all will catch that later).
8. Make-Up Sex
GiphyHow many times have you heard someone (whether in media or in real life) say something along the lines of “Make-up sex is the best sex”? Any time I do, the characters Marcus and Angela from Tyler Perry’s movie Why Did I Get Married? almost instantly come to mind because remember how toxic they were and yet Marcus said that he didn’t mind fighting a lot because “the make-up sex was insane”? Yeah, it’s unfortunate how many people mistake craziness for passion which is a big part of the reason why I once penned, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” for the platform.
Reconnecting with your partner via sex after a disagreement is fine. Being so poor at communicating that the two of you rely on sex to “gloss things over”? Eh…not so good. At the end of the day, make-up sex should be about celebrating reaching a resolve — not doing whatever you can to deflect from or avoid doing the work that it takes to actually find one.
9. Casual Sex
GiphyIf you’ve ever read my article, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'” before, you already know it’s something that I’m not personally fond of; mostly because I know that casual means things like “careless” and “apathetic.” Luckily, I’m not the only one who feels this way because more and more mental health and relationship experts are saying that our so-called hook-up culture has more “side effects” than a lot of people want to admit. Take the article, “The Problem with Hooking Up” which I once checked out on Boston University’s website. A part of what it said is this:
“Hooking up can be risky because the relationship is not typically monogamous, and when it’s labeled as a friends-with-benefits relationship or other similar pseudo-commitment, it can lead to a false sense of security that might make people be less cautious.”
Are there any pros to casual sex? I mean, if what you’re after is purely recreational sex and you’re being safe (both physically and emotionally), I could see why it’s a “plus” in some people’s books. I’ll just say that as someone who used to be notorious for having sex with friends back in my sexually active days if you signed up for someone to have no real plans for/with you beyond getting off, you can’t get mad when they stick to their end of the deal. Just sayin’.
10. Mindful Sex
Giphy“Mindful” is one of those buzzwords that pops up a lot on the internet these days yet have you ever wondered exactly what it means to be that kind of person? To be mindful is to be fully present. To be mindful is to have a heightened level of awareness. To be mindful is to be intentional about not overthinking. To be mindful is to be super thoughtful and considerate towards others. And if you translate all of this into the act of sex — can you see how mindful sex can be extremely powerful and intimate? There’s no way you can rush through foreplay and consider yourself a mindful sex participant.
There’s no way you cannot know your partner’s needs and consider yourself a mindful sex participant. There’s no way that you can always have quickies only and consider yourself to be a mindful sex participant. Out of all of these, mindful sex is the kind of sex that all couples in long-term relationships should aspire to have the most often because mindful sex truly is some of the best sex (check out “Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels” and “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”). If you’re planning on having sex tonight, try and be mindful about it; watch how it takes things to a completely different level.
11. Solo Sex
GiphySolo sex is basically masturbation. Aside from the fact that it’s probably the safest way to enjoy sexual stimulation without the risk of pregnancy or contracting an STI/STD, there’s also no way around the fact that it provides some of the same health benefits as sex with another person does include a decrease of stress levels, reducing the intensity of period cramps, making it easier to fall and stay asleep, strengthening your pelvic floor and, as some experts say, it can help to reduce some of the symptoms that come with perimenopause/menopause as well. Just one (main) word of caution here: if your solo sex consists of sex toys, “too much of a good thing” could affect how you feel about sex with actual people — and not in a good way.
There are plenty of articles out in cyberspace that (fore)warn individuals that sex toys can make it so easy to orgasm that you find yourself either faking orgasms with your partner (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”) or disconnecting on some level with them because you’re so climax-focused that you’re not connection-driven. Solo sex can also make you a selfish (self-consumed) sex partner if you do it excessively too because, if you have mastered how to get your own self off, doesn’t it make sense that being patient enough to show someone else might feel like a complete waste of time? Balance is key with solo sex; that’s for sure.
12. Foreplay
GiphyForeplay is the appetizer before the meal. It’s what sexually arouses us to the point where we want to have sex and, from a physical standpoint, since lubrication makes sex more pleasurable for women, foreplay tends to be very necessary too. And why am I closing out with this one? It’s because some people are so into foreplay that they barely even “show up” for sex. Because they get a lot of what they need from foreplay alone, the act of sex doesn’t seem very necessary for them — which can cause real issues if their partner doesn’t feel the same way.
Bottom line with foreplay is it’s beautiful and essential, more times than not. It’s also something that you shouldn’t get in a rut about (meaning, just like sex shouldn’t always be routine, foreplay shouldn’t be either). Just make sure that you see it in the way that it was intended — warming up the engine before actually driving the car (so to speak).
___
There you have it, y’all — 12 types of sex. Now that they’ve been broken down a bit, which one is your automatic go-to (it always works), which one is your favorite (your preference), and which one should you try out more? Because just like you can have a type of man, you can have a type of sex. AND just like your guy type can keep you stuck if you’re not careful…your type of sex can too.
Learn and explore. Rinse and repeat. Enjoy over and over. In that order too, sis.
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Featured image by Giphy