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Why Black Women Aren't Allowed To Be Socially Anxious
A few years ago, I had dinner with my family, and some extended friends were invited. We had a great evening, and at the end of the night, someone at the table who has known me since I was a child said to me, "This is the most I've heard you speak since I met you." My response was, "When I'm with my family, I'm quite chatty." I think that was her way of saying I was much more social in this environment than she'd ever seen me at other events, and I understand why.
I've been a shy girl almost my entire life. Many people who know me intimately now as an adult would probably be shocked to hear this, but I was such a reserved kid growing up. I hated public speaking. I cried from nervousness after my first solo in church, and I was either extremely comfortable in settings or I’d shut down. As I got older, I realized that it wasn't just me being naturally shy or reserved; in some settings, my inability to feel comfortable was due to social anxiety.
@raquelmartinphd #anxiety #blackgirltiktok #tipsandtricks #drmartinhere
According to The National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder is a common type of anxiety disorder. A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering a question in class, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.
Doing everyday things, such as eating or drinking in front of others or using a public restroom, may also cause anxiety or fear due to concerns about being humiliated, judged, and rejected.
@itslerap Don’t feel alone in your struggles.. it’s more common than you think🥹 #fyp #foryou #socialanxiety #socialanxietytips #socialanxietyawareness #mentalhealth #blackgirlmentalhealth #allerapadgettandco #PostitAffirmations
How Social Anxiety Symptoms Can Show Up
- Blushing, sweating, or trembling;
- Having a rapid heart rate;
- Feeling their "mind going blank," or feeling sick to their stomach;
- Having a rigid body posture, or speaking with an overly soft voice;
- Finding it difficult to make eye contact, be around people they don't know, or talk to people in social situations, even when they want to;
- Feeling self-consciousness or fear that people will judge them negatively;
- Avoiding places where there are other people.
What Can Cause Social Anxiety Disorder
@ohmylawdthecableturnedff Like girl, leave me alone, I have social anxiety 😂
The risk for social anxiety disorder may run in families, but there isn't a specific reason to prove why some family members can experience symptoms of the disorder and others don't. Research has found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety and that genetics influences how these areas function in tandem with stress and environment and how that plays a role in social anxiety.
As a kid, I often had many girls assume that I was stuck up, and it made me wonder for years if something was wrong with me. I found myself many times and even still now wondering how this woman who loves to be social in certain environments can, in others, clam up and not feel comfortable. Without having the language for my anxiety, I was labeled by many girls as "stuck up" or "the girl who thought I was better."
There are many layers to why that was the assumption, one being a suburban Black girl who was well dressed, so comments were quickly made if I wasn’t a social butterfly like “You think you better because you got on xyx, etc.”
It made it extremely difficult to be social in certain settings, and it wasn't until I got older and found community on social media with other girls who experienced social anxiety that I realized I wasn't stuck up or an introvert (as testing confirmed I was actually an ambivert), I was socially anxious. This realization made me feel comforted and helped me understand that as an entrepreneur and creative, I did have to network, but I could go about it in a way that made me feel comfortable.
I could research who would be in the room, practice my greetings, bring a friend to an event with me when I could, and overall remind myself that that shy little girl doesn't have to speak louder than the woman I am now. This realization and developing coping skills made me wonder why Black women aren't allowed to be socially anxious. Why do we always have to show up as the life of the party or ready to be the center of attention?
"There are many stereotypical biases that we have to go up against or manage, so we're taught that we don't have the room to be quiet or perceived as standoffish," licensed psychologist Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart explains. "There's this stigma and pressure to have to show up as a Black woman in the space. We don't have the right to be, sort of like the quiet, shy white girl in the back room. Like no, we have to go above and beyond. And there's a lot of pressure to have to do that in a lot of different spaces, and I can see how a lot of Black girls and women feel relieved when they find that they aren't alone in that feeling.
"There are many stereotypical biases that we have to go up against or manage, so we're taught that we don't have the room to be quiet or perceived as standoffish. There's this stigma and pressure to have to show up as a Black woman in the space."
"Even in our families and communities, there can often be a lot of pressure, even where you find a Black parent saying to a shy child, 'You better speak up,' and that creates a lot of anxiety. Parents are a bit more conscious now, not raising their children to believe they don't have room to be quiet or shy. Many of us weren't raised to have room to be shy; much of how we were socialized [were] with things such as speaking when spoken to, like when you were in the room, making eye contact as it pertains to socialization relationships."
How Social Anxiety Can Show Up in Black Women
The quiet Black woman who is socially anxious can easily get mistaken for being stuck up, "bougie," or even mean. "With my clients who are Black women that experience social anxiety, they're met with comments like 'Your face looks mean' or 'When I met you I thought you were mean but once I got to know you I realized you were nice,'" Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart says. "That sort of narrative happens a lot, especially in the workplace, which also contributes to how they're viewed in the workplace and where it can be assumed that they're not really a team player."
In addition to this perception having a negative impact on Black women in their work environment, this extends to how they are viewed in friendships and other forms of socialization. "You can receive comments like, 'Why are you so quiet? Why are you so standoffish? Why are you so bougie acting?'" she adds. "It really does create a barrier socially and even romantically.”
How Can Black Women and Girls Overcome Social Anxiety
In order to overcome social anxiety, Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart says that you must first understand what's happening to you in social settings. Understand that the anxiety you feel is a result of your nervous system becoming heightened when you're in large groups of people, at parties, etc. She also suggests therapy in order to find better coping skills to navigate certain situations as well as how to limit your social battery and situations with ease, although she notes that it might not be necessary in every case.
"If you're a Black woman dealing with anxiety, I see you, and I understand. Don't pick apart the anxiousness that you feel when you walk into rooms and instead focus on what you can control. How you look, your greeting, who you connect with, and how long you stay. Give yourself grace as you navigate social settings, and if you're someone who has passed judgment or assumed that someone was stuck up, ask yourself if they had an attitude or if it was anxiety. Extend kindness, and if you see a shy person, don't be afraid to speak first; it might just make their day and help them open up."
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Dubbed one of the "21 Black Women Wellness Influencers You Should Follow" by Black + Well, Yasmine Jameelah continues to leave her digital footprint across platforms ranging from Forever 21 Plus, Vaseline, and R29 Unbothered discussing all things healing and body positivity. As a journalist, her writing can be found on sites such as Blavity, Blacklove.com, and xoNecole. Jameelah is also known for her work shattering unconventional stigmas surrounding wellness through her various mediums, including her company Transparent Black Girl. Find Yasmine @YasmineJameelah across all platforms.
Skylar Marshai Talks Hair Reset With SheaMoisture Bond Repair 'Revive & Thrive' Campaign
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
Skylar Marshai is known for her extravagant style, and her hair is no exception. But now, she’s giving her hair a break and focusing on hair care with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection. “I feel like my hair has always been an extension of my storytelling because I know it's so innately linked to my self-expression that I've been thinking a lot about how my love for crafting my hair into these different forms and shapes has honestly never given it a chance to just be,” Skylar explains.
“So for the next few weeks, I will be wearing my natural hair out.” The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is infused with AminoBlend and HydroPlex technology, scientifically proven to make hair 6x stronger with 84% less breakage by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds (vs. non-conditioning shampoo). That’s why it's the perfect hair reset for Skylar.
“It's been a long, long time since I've worn my natural curls. I haven’t nurtured it in its natural form so I’m scared of breakage, of it being dry, of it being damaged,” she admits. “I do feel like my hair is in good hands because I will be using the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection and it’s known for repairing damaged hair making it smoother, making it stronger like all of these very real concerns I have.”
Thanks to the unique blend of Amino Blend Complex (fortifying amino acids), Amla oil, and fair-trade shea butter used in each product, the hair will become visibly healthier after just one use. That’s because the collection focuses on repairing and reviving dry, damaged hair due to color, protective styles, heat, and more. This 4-step system, which includes Bond Repair Shampoo, Bond Repair Conditioner, Bond Repair Masque, and Bond Repair Leave-in, also enhances weakened hair bonds to reduce future breakage.
Skylar shows us how she uses the collection and it’s giving big, beautiful, healthy hair. “So I think it's gonna be some beauty to allowing my hair to rest,” she says. When it comes to styling, the influencer is “just gonna let Mother Nature do her thing.” Learn more about the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection below.
Step One: Bond Repair Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are infused with the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, Shea Moisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Conditionerdeeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Feature image by @skylarmarshai/ Instagram
A Look At Kehlani’s Love Life: From Musicians to Basketball Stars
Kehlani is the epitome of authenticity as the singer and songwriter use their talents and platform to address real-life situations, particularly in their music regarding relationships.
They first gained recognition as a member of the group Poplyfe on America's Got Talent in 2011. Following this, Kehlani embarked on a successful solo career, releasing mixtapes like You Should Be Here and their debut album SweetSexySavage. SweetSexySavage reached number 3 on the Billboard Hot 200 chart and earned Kehlani a Grammy nomination for the hit song "Distraction."
Throughout their career, Kehlani has continued to release music, including mixtapes and albums. Recently, the star has been gearing up for the release of their fourth studio album, Crash, set to drop on June 21.
Aside from their musical achievements, the 29-year-old has been open about their personal life, discussing their identity, sexuality, and past relationships. Prior to publicly identifying as a lesbian in 2021, they had dated individuals of various genders within the entertainment industry.
In this piece, xoNecole looks back at Kehlani's romantic relationships and the lessons they've learned.
PARTYNEXTDOOR
One of Kehlani's high-profile relationships was with singer and producer PARTYNEXTDOOR.
Although there are conflicting timelines regarding when the pair began dating, it was reported that their romance started as early as 2013. Throughout their union, Kehlani and PARTYNEXTDOOR remained relatively private. One instance where the "Recognize" singer hinted at the duo's relationship was in 2015, the same year they allegedly called it quits.
After their breakup, PARTYNEXTDOOR released a song titled "Kehlani's Freestyle," which would ultimately be renamed "Things & Such." The drama between the exes didn't stop there. In 2016, when Kehlani was reportedly dating NBA star Kyrie Irving, PARTYNEXTDOOR notoriously uploaded a photo of him and the "Honey" vocalist holding hands with a subliminal message.
"After all her shenanigans, still got the R&B singer back in my bed," he wrote in the caption.
While the exact timeline of when the photos were taken is unclear, it didn't stop Kehlani from facing backlash due to cheating allegations. Despite denying the cheating rumors, the online pressure and torment took a toll on Kehlani when they were hospitalized in March 2016 for attempting to commit suicide.
In a now-deleted Instagram post, Kehlani explained their mindset and stood firm on their previous remarks about their union with Kyrie. The "Distraction" songstress added that they rekindled their relationship with PARTYNEXTDOOR after both parties realized it wasn't working out.
Kehlani and PARTYNEXTDOOR's reignited romance didn't last long because the pair would split for good that same year.
Kyrie Irving
Shortly following their first breakup with PARTYNEXTDOOR, Kehlani began dating Kyrie Iriving in 2016.
The former couple paraded their relationship publicly by sharing various posts online and providing insight about why the pair was a good match. In an interview with ILY magazine, Kehlani revealed that their union was special because their foundation was solely built on friendship.
"I think this is the first time that I've ever been able to really be myself at all times," they said. "In the sense of being incredibly goofy with someone and being based on a best friendship."
Sadly, Kehlani's romance with the Dallas Mavericks guard would be short-lived. The duo would go their separate ways before PARTYNEXTDOOR's social media post. Despite their breakup and the alleged cheating scandal, Kyrie came to Kehlani's defense after they were harassed on social media, which resulted in their hospitalization.
In a series of tweets, Kyrie wished the star well and confirmed that he and Kehlani weren't dating when the snapshot was released.
"I do not justify the picture or what dude did to try and spark all of this nonsense that could have been avoided, but me and Kehlani were not dating when the picture came out," he said.
Years after their break up in 2018, Kyrie issued an apology to Kehlani on social media for not speaking up sooner.
Shania Negron
Kehlani and Shania Negron
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for BET
Kehlani and tattoo artist Shania Negron were romantically linked in 2017.
Although there aren't many details regarding the pair's union, including how they met and when they started dating, Kehlani and Shania shared fragments of their life by making joint appearances at various events. That same year, the duo's relationship would come to an end.
In a 2018 interview with Queen Radio, Kehlani disclosed that the exes have remained friends despite the split.
"We've been just friends since then," they said. "That relationship actually wasn't very long, but me and her are super cool now."
Javaughn Young-White
In 2018, Kehlani made headlines when they posted on their social media platforms that they were expecting their first child, sparking attention to the father's identity. Although the "Nunya" songstress didn't release the person's name at the time of the announcement, it was later revealed that the child's father was a guitarist and long-time collaborator, Javaughn Young-White.
In an interview with Queen Radio, Kehlani opened up about their relationship with Javaughn and their planned pregnancy.
"When I found out that I can get a break from touring because I've been primarily a touring artist, that's when I planned for it for this time," they said. "It was planned so we had a short time frame of having to actually have sex every day. And we were excited that it didn't start feeling like a chore."
Further into the conversation, the "Can I" singer disclosed why Javaughn was an ideal match.
"I started dating women before I ever dated men," they said. "Then, I was lucky to find a partner who was a bisexual male. And he really understands my queerness and my fluidity, and I really understand his. It's very awesome to be understood."
A few months later, in March 2019, Kehlani and Javaughn welcomed their daughter, Adeya Nomi. Despite their daughter's arrival, the pair would ultimately call it quits. Since then, Kehlani and Javaughn have remained close friends and co-parents.
YG
Kehlani and YG
Photo by TM/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images
Kehlani's dating status made headlines once again in September 2019 after they revealed in a now-deleted Instagram post that they were dating YG. This news came after the pair attended New York Fashion Week together.
Despite the grand announcement about their relationship, Kehlani and YG's union would be plagued by numerous splits and allegations of infidelity on the rapper's part. The former couple's final breakup would occur on Valentine's Day 2020, around the same time they would release a joint song titled "Konclusions."
Days later, in response to the record, Kehlani released "Valentine's Day (Shameful)," which highlighted the painful experience they endured finding out that their partner was unfaithful.
Since that time, Kehlani and YG have remained on friendly terms.
Victoria Monét
In a jaw-dropping revelation during a 2023 interview, Victoria Monét finally ended years of speculation by confirming her brief romance with Kehlani. While appearing on the High Low podcast, the "On My Mama" vocalist revealed that the pair were seeing each other in 2020. This subject arose when Victoria was asked how her significant other, John Gaines, handles jealousy.
"While pregnant, I did a 'Touch Me' remix with Kehlani, and the song is about her. We went in the studio, [and] there was no jealousy," she said.
The mother of one also added that although the pair didn't work out, they are still friends.
070 Shake
Kehlani and 070 Shake sparked romance rumors in early 2021 when they were caught engaging in public displays of affection. Before taking their relationship to the next level, the pair had been friends for six years.
Shortly after the rumors began circulating online, Kehlani and 070 Shake confirmed they were an item. 070 Shake even appeared in the singer’s music video for “Melt.” However, in 2022, they wiped all shared photos of each other from their respective social media pages and unfollowed one another, sparking breakup allegations. The “Gangsta” songstress verified the split by sharing a cryptic post on their Instagram story.
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes," they wrote.
Kiara Russell
In December 2022, Kehlani publicly debuted their relationship with basketball player Kiara Russell in a now-removed TikTok video. In the clip, the pair were seen lounging on the couch and exchanging kisses.
Kiara followed suit by uploading a colossal of photos, one of which included the pair out on date. The basketball star captioned the post, "love n happiness dump."
Since then, the status of the duo's relationship has remained unclear because most of Kehlani's posts featuring Kiara have been removed from their social media platforms.
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