Boundaries are like salt––sprinkle a little of those in almost any situation and you're bound to come up with a more satisfying result, and this is especially true when it comes to relationships. Whether it's friends, family, or romantic partnerships, it's important that you protect your time, space, and energy, and that's exactly why Kehlani says that she is currently living single.
The It Was Good Until It Wasn't singer recently sat down with The Breakfast Club and opened up about her controversial split with West Coast rapper, YG, and revealed that although the duo had mutually decided to be in an open relationship, their breakup was ultimately caused by infidelity and a lack of communication:
"I think that's what the big deal was about the situation that had happened was because I did give the space for communication in it to be open. It wasn't kind of honored, which kind of made it worse when you're like, 'Hey I low-key I am saying any, you know sh*t can go down um as long as everything [is] communicated and everyone's adults.'"
Kehlani explained that although she and YG, who was seen kissing another woman outside of a nightclub in a viral photo, had agreed to see other people as long as they remained honest with one another, she later learned that her former partner wasn't keeping up his end of the deal:
"It was a lot of lies and a lot of covering up... It was deep and it was like, intricate. It wasn't a simple––I found out the basics of something. It was deep and it was intricate and it was weaving of something that turned into something else. That's why I never spoke up on the outside the club thing because that wasn't a rule-breaking situation. I just don't feel like getting online and deeply explaining that that's not a situation that matters to me. Then I got to deal with everyone coming at me about my mentality about an open relationship."
The singer says that although she's received some backlash about her perspective on romance and open relationships, she stands behind her belief that when two people are grown (and honest) AF, they should be free to live their best lives. When asked how she defines an open relationship, Kehlani explained that although she and the "F*ck Donald Trump" rapper were unable to come to an agreement that worked for them both, couples should be aware that there are different strokes for different folks:
"It's really like each one of those relationships has to be set by each little rule with the two people. It's not like a formula for an open relationship. It's like, does this sex matter to me with somebody else? Does dating someone, just seeing someone, hanging out with someone matter to me? Does texting someone matter to me? You have to go through each individual step with those things. I personally can't define an open relationship for anybody else."
Despite a romantic apology featuring dozens of roses, Kehlani said that creating healthy boundaries has allowed her to move forward and find peace in their breakup:
"No. I think you get to a certain point where if you set certain boundaries for your relationship, that's the boundaries you should hold yourself to. If we had set the rules to be, 'If there's communication, you can live your best life.' Then there's that. If there's 'You can live your best life but don't communicate,' then there's that. If the rules and the boundaries get broken, at some point I have to hold that standard to myself and honor myself and dip out."
To watch Kehlani's full interview, click below!
Kehlani Talks New Album, Mental Health, YG, Keyshia Cole + Morewww.youtube.com
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
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From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
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