Have you ever thought about just how far we've come as a society when it comes to sex? You can log onto just about any website and see some form of porn, whether you want it or not. Yet, for some reason, women are still not comfortable talking about "taboo" subjects, including but not limited to threesomes.
Everything about our sexual experience as women is geared towards a man and his pleasure. It's as though our sexual liberation is only okay under the approval of male standards. That's a problem for me. It makes me wonder: Do people think that women are incapable of being sexually attracted to another woman without the approval of a man?
And I'm not speaking in terms of lesbians; I'm speaking in terms of women who are bisexual, women who want to experience sex with both sexes, because it's just something she wants to do. If you're considering having a threesome, but still feel a little skeptical, here's a few words of advice that will help you through your first time:
Have No Shame
I'm on a mission to live my life for me, this was a part of that. I didn't have to tell my Mom this information. I've been in a committed hetero-relationship for seven years. I felt that it was important to reveal this information, because my Mom, like many other older women of color, has a problem with the gays (and has no problem vocalizing it.) This was part of my reasoning for coming out to her this summer.
I felt like a hypocrite, allowing her to speak about that community when I'm secretly a part of it. It's so easy as a "bisexual" woman to live a life completely in the closet and under the radar. I could have kept this fantasy to be with women to myself and end up pulling a Glennon Doyle. But why deny a part of myself? Why build shame inside of myself? So, in my office on-call room, I told my Mom that I was bisexual.
If you're thinking about indulging in a three-way, make sure it's something you're not ashamed of to avoid a sea of regret from flooding in later on.
Ask Yourself If This Is Something You Want
Threesomes, like all sexual activities, are best when everyone involved wants to be there. If there is an issue of cheating or trust, you shouldn't be thinking about having a threesome. Sis, the threesome is not an experience you can give to your man to "make him stay". Or to keep him happy. If you don't trust him, then you damn sure won't trust him with another party involved. So why purposely put yourself through that? You don't want to be the only one in the room, counting the number of times he had sex with her versus you. (That's not fun for anyone).
When considering a threesome, the last thing you should be thinking about is pleasing him. This is about you! Do you want to know what it's like to have another woman down there? Maybe, you want to know what it would be like to be with two men at the same time (no judgment here). This is all about who you want to bring inside of your bedroom. You are the one who has to sit through it, don't you want to be enjoying it, and not watching the clock?
Be Specific In Your Choices
When you think about who you want to bring into your bedroom, it should be someone who fits into your couple style. If you can, you should be the one to pick the girl (or guy). If you don't, at least have a conversation with the person. Remember, this is your bedroom your opening up. It shouldn't be something done lightly. It shouldn't just be something you do to check off a box. A threesome is still a form of sex, which means it's still an exchange of energy, so why not make it count?
One day, I was watching Claws and Uncle Daddy was getting ready to celebrate his 30th anniversary with his wife. He said the key to a happy marriage, is to marry the right woman. He kissed his wife and then his boyfriend walked up next to him. As ridiculous as that scene was, it's true. When you're picking your mate, it must go beyond the surface level sh*t. Your relationship should be the ultimate safe zone, you shouldn't be "hiding" parts of yourself from your mate, so if you want a girlfriend or boyfriend, you shouldn't be afraid to bring up that subject.
The Ball(s) Are In Your Court
It's your bedroom, your man, your vagina, you get to make the rules. Only you can decide if a threesome is good company or a crowd. When you make the decision, do it from a place of curiosity, not out fear or from "the disease to please". YOU make the choice (or not).
I want us as black women to embrace our sexual complexities. To know that our body is not just for male consumption, gaze, or approval. We should feel confident in not only telling our partners what we want, but demanding that all our sexual needs are met. If that can only be done with more than one partner, then sis, it just is what it is! That doesn't make you a "freak" or a "hoe", it just makes you a fully realized woman, who knows what the f*ck she wants!
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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