There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.
In our minds, searching social media for hints and clues into a man's life history is the logical next step after we get his name and number.
We carry this thought that it's a waste to do a first date with a guy who doesn't have a squeaky-clean reputation, or that the smart thing to do is to run for our lives if someone else dare mentions a prior bad act (even if it was decades ago).
Truthfully, I get it. And I fully endorse the idea of being cautious with your heart. Nonetheless, a man's past isn't always as telling as it may seem. Here are 5 reasons why:
1. Almost everyone is talking to somebody before they decide to become exclusive.
Without a commitment, we are single. This is the perfect time to vet options, and it is unfair to classify a guy as a bad person for doing so. In fact, I strongly encourage women to do the same thing.
When I met my husband, I was casually dating. It was a great opportunity for me to learn what I liked and didn't like. He came along and made his intentions squeaky clear, so I stopped having outside conversations.
Try to date without expectations prior to the conversation about commitment. It takes the pressure off and can actually make the experience more fun.
2. Men treat different women different ways.
Another woman's experience won't always be yours. There are lots of factors that go into how a man treats a woman. These factors vary on a case by case basis. The reactions from friends, family, and other women were all the same when they saw or heard how my husband catered to me. "Wow, I've never seen him be this sweet to anybody!" or "I've never seen him in love like this." No one is you, and that's your power. Base your decision about a guy on how you are treated rather than on someone else's experiences. If it's not a good fit based on your own interactions with the guy, move on knowing that your perfect match will come in due time.
3. There are always three sides to every story.
Tall tales aren't always law. When I first started dating my husband, I refused to listen to any, "I heard about him" stories or "Let me tell you what he did" information gathered from 1992. I wanted to know him for myself and develop my own perspective. Anything alarming that you should know will always come out in the wash. The key is to be attentive to the signs. Learn the guy by the actions you witness, not by stories passed down from girl to girl. The story might of got twisted somewhere along the way.
4. Let's not forget your own pasts.
In a world where we are all about no longer being held captive to "numbers" or judged by living freely, don't men deserve the same? We often justify our actions while refusing to show grace to others. Don't be that girl. Judge not, lest you be judged.
5. People evolve.
Little known fact: even men evolve and elevate over time. I am not the same person I was last month or last year. I am constantly growing, learning, and changing. I don't want to be known as the woman I was five years ago, I want the freedom to be seen as who I am now. We all deserve that. So he has a past. We all do. Take people for where they are now, not where they've been or what they've done. You might just find yourself in the midst of dopeness you would've otherwise missed out on.
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Hot Girl Moms: How These Black Celebrities Are Breaking Motherhood Stereotypes
Lately, I have really been in awe of Black moms — from my friends to celebrities. It's both beautifully surprising and thought-provoking to see your people navigating parenthood. Beyond this, it's truly inspiring to witness these Black women redefine motherhood, challenge societal norms, and pave the way for future generations.
One thing that has stood out is the way they choose to mother while also honoring themselves in every way. For one, motherhood doesn’t mean trading in your style, confidence, or ambition. There are powerhouse Black women who effortlessly balance being moms while keeping their hot-girl energy intact. From rocking stages to slaying red carpets, we decided to round up some celebs who redefine what it means to have it all.
These women are living proof that you don’t have to trade in your hot girl card when you become a mom. They’ve shown the world that you can be a caregiver and still exude the confidence, ambition, and style that makes you, you. Who says you can’t have it all?
Beyoncé
(L-R) Beyoncé and Blue Ivy Carter
Amy Sussman/WireImage
When you’re Queen Bey, there’s no dimming your light—ever. As a mom to Blue Ivy and twins Rumi and Sir, Beyoncé continues to dominate the music industry, embodying grace, power, and unmatched work ethic. From headlining Coachella to dropping jaw-dropping visuals for Renaissance, she proves motherhood only enhances the glow. In 2013, Beyonce told Vogue, that becoming a mother helped her to really understand the power of her body:
“I just feel my body means something completely different. I feel a lot more confident about it. Even being heavier, thinner, whatever. I feel a lot more like a woman. More feminine, more sensual. And no shame.”
Victoria Monét
Victoria Monét is the epitome of "cool mom energy." With her adorable daughter Hazel as her muse, she’s kept us grooving with tracks like "On My Mama." Balancing new motherhood and a skyrocketing career, she’s proof that you can have it all—and look flawless doing it.
During an interview with Self, Victoria shared, "After I had Hazel, I went into a full depression. I was very hard on myself, and just judging so much and worrying about what I used to look like and what I used to have. It’s just all living in the past, which is the setup [for feeling like a failure]," she says. "[But] you have to think forward. It’s been a battle to be okay with whatever size I am at the time. So if I go to Disneyland with Hazel, I’m not going to be worrying about the churro, because we’re only at Disney one day."
Jhené Aiko
Jhené Aiko keeps her ethereal energy strong as a mom to two kids, Namiko Love and Noah Hasani. From creating soulful, healing music to co-parenting like a pro, Jhené’s free-spirited essence shows you can nurture both your kids and your inner goddess.
This year, The Purple Agency honored a select group of prominent mothers for their inaugural Mom Honors and the "Stay Ready" singer was among the honorees. Aiko delivered a moving keynote address to conclude the event, sharing her lifelong aspiration of being a mom:
“I always knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything. That was my dream. This is great and I love to do this, but this is not my dream […] It’s fun, but nothing fulfills me more than being a mom."
Ciara
Ciara is serving hot girl mom with no signs of slowing down. From slaying the red carpet with Russell Wilson to inspiring moms everywhere with her fitness and dance routines, Ciara makes sure motherhood doesn’t put a pause on her glow-up. It’s clear that motherhood drives this Atlanta girly. CiCi told Yahoo Music:
“For me, I can speak for myself: Being a mom gave me a bit more of sexy confidence. And it's not about what I'm wearing, it's just more of an internal feeling. I feel there's something very cool about being able to deliver a child, and being able to work hard to get yourself back to that place before you had that child. It's a rewarding feeling… If anything, I think the sexy gets turned up even more!”
Serena Williams
Serena might have retired from professional tennis, but her "hot girl mom" era is still thriving. As a mom to Olympia and a new baby girl, Adira River, Serena continues to serve Black excellence, whether she’s owning the boardroom or slaying on social media. Speaking about how she became to be such a fearless woman toAllure, Serena said:
"I think my mom instilled in us to be confident women, to really believe in ourselves, be proud of our heritage, our hair, and our bodies. That was something that was really important for her to teach us. I’m definitely teaching it to my daughter.”
Rihanna
The billionaire beauty mogul, music icon, and now mother of two, Rihanna is redefining motherhood with unapologetic confidence. From rocking her baby bump at the Super Bowl to running her Fenty empire, Rih proves being a mom only amplifies the bad gal energy.
When asked about how motherhood initially felt for her, she told British Vogue, “Oh, my God, it’s legendary.” Rihanna also affirmed, "Women just need a little bit of validation," she said to The Associated Press. Adding, "You are beautiful. Your body's beautiful. Your body is sexy and you deserve to feel that way."
Cardi B
Cardi’s personality remains larger than life—even as a mom of two. Between her jaw-dropping fashion moments and hilarious, unfiltered parenting takes, she proves motherhood doesn’t stop you from being the life of the party. The Bronx native has had no problems sharing that she has so much compassion—and love and appreciation— for all mothers in the world.
“There is no excuse, we have to do it. I have compassion for good mothers who get up and hustle and work, or even not work—having kids is work. Raising a kid is work.”
And what a feat to work and werk at the same time!
Teyana Taylor
Teyana Taylor is the queen of doing it all. As a mom of two daughters, Iman Jr. and Rue, she balances a multifaceted career as a singer, director, and actress, all while keeping her edgy, hot-girl aesthetic on lock. Teyana Taylor's exceptionally toned physique, showcased in Kanye West's "Fade" music video just eight months after giving birth, ignited widespread admiration and inspired many women to prioritize their fitness goals.
“I love that I can inspire women to feel that way,” she told The FADER. “This video was to do just that. To inspire women and to let them know that we are super women, each and every one of us.”
Kelly Rowland
As a mom to Titan and Noah, Kelly Rowland stays killing the game with her elegance and star power. From her music to her dedication to fitness and fashion, she’s proof you can slay in both the boardroom and the playroom. When it comes to finding the balance of doing it all, she told Scary Mommy:
“I think [that’s] the hardest thing about being a mom. How can I be the best mom, wife, friend, and version of myself all at once? It can be overwhelming at times, but I’ve learned to become more patient with both others and myself, and remind myself it’s okay not to be everything for everyone all of the time.”
Flo Milli
Flo Milli
Taylor Hill/Getty Images
While the “Never Lose Me” singer just announced her pregnancy on Nov. 25, we just know she’s gonna give hot mom vibes. The rapper took to social media sharing, “Flo mommy s— i can’t even see my coochie nomore that’s crazy.” She proudly displayed her baby bump in a series of photos, wearing a white crop top and orange shorts, reminding us that Flo Milli will always remain true to herself.
In an interview with Elle, Flo Milli shared she was raised in a nurturing environment with strong female role models, and she was inspired by neo-soul artists who emphasized self-love and empowerment. These influences instilled in her a strong sense of self-worth, which she actively promotes, particularly for dark-skinned Black women who often face challenges in the music industry. Flo Milli believes that self-perception is paramount, regardless of external opinions.
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