Checking A Man’s “Heauxfax” Isn’t Always As Telling As It May Seem

Checking A Man’s “Heauxfax” Isn’t Always As Telling As It May Seem

There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.


There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.

In our minds, searching social media for hints and clues into a man's life history is the logical next step after we get his name and number.

We carry this thought that it's a waste to do a first date with a guy who doesn't have a squeaky-clean reputation, or that the smart thing to do is to run for our lives if someone else dare mentions a prior bad act (even if it was decades ago).

Truthfully, I get it. And I fully endorse the idea of being cautious with your heart. Nonetheless, a man's past isn't always as telling as it may seem. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Almost everyone is talking to somebody before they decide to become exclusive.

Without a commitment, we are single. This is the perfect time to vet options, and it is unfair to classify a guy as a bad person for doing so. In fact, I strongly encourage women to do the same thing.

When I met my husband, I was casually dating. It was a great opportunity for me to learn what I liked and didn't like. He came along and made his intentions squeaky clear, so I stopped having outside conversations.

Try to date without expectations prior to the conversation about commitment. It takes the pressure off and can actually make the experience more fun.

2. Men treat different women different ways.

Another woman's experience won't always be yours. There are lots of factors that go into how a man treats a woman. These factors vary on a case by case basis. The reactions from friends, family, and other women were all the same when they saw or heard how my husband catered to me. "Wow, I've never seen him be this sweet to anybody!" or "I've never seen him in love like this." No one is you, and that's your power. Base your decision about a guy on how you are treated rather than on someone else's experiences. If it's not a good fit based on your own interactions with the guy, move on knowing that your perfect match will come in due time.

3. There are always three sides to every story.

Tall tales aren't always law. When I first started dating my husband, I refused to listen to any, "I heard about him" stories or "Let me tell you what he did" information gathered from 1992. I wanted to know him for myself and develop my own perspective. Anything alarming that you should know will always come out in the wash. The key is to be attentive to the signs. Learn the guy by the actions you witness, not by stories passed down from girl to girl. The story might of got twisted somewhere along the way.

4. Let's not forget your own pasts.

In a world where we are all about no longer being held captive to "numbers" or judged by living freely, don't men deserve the same? We often justify our actions while refusing to show grace to others. Don't be that girl. Judge not, lest you be judged.

5. People evolve.

Little known fact: even men evolve and elevate over time. I am not the same person I was last month or last year. I am constantly growing, learning, and changing. I don't want to be known as the woman I was five years ago, I want the freedom to be seen as who I am now. We all deserve that. So he has a past. We all do. Take people for where they are now, not where they've been or what they've done. You might just find yourself in the midst of dopeness you would've otherwise missed out on.

Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:

Iman Shumpert Says He Gave Teyana Taylor a "Hit List": Should Your Man Share His Sexual History?

Sexual Inventory: Why I Stopped Answering The Body Count Question

The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams

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