Checking A Man’s “Heauxfax” Isn’t Always As Telling As It May Seem

There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.


There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.

In our minds, searching social media for hints and clues into a man's life history is the logical next step after we get his name and number.

We carry this thought that it's a waste to do a first date with a guy who doesn't have a squeaky-clean reputation, or that the smart thing to do is to run for our lives if someone else dare mentions a prior bad act (even if it was decades ago).

Truthfully, I get it. And I fully endorse the idea of being cautious with your heart. Nonetheless, a man's past isn't always as telling as it may seem. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Almost everyone is talking to somebody before they decide to become exclusive.

Without a commitment, we are single. This is the perfect time to vet options, and it is unfair to classify a guy as a bad person for doing so. In fact, I strongly encourage women to do the same thing.

When I met my husband, I was casually dating. It was a great opportunity for me to learn what I liked and didn't like. He came along and made his intentions squeaky clear, so I stopped having outside conversations.

Try to date without expectations prior to the conversation about commitment. It takes the pressure off and can actually make the experience more fun.

2. Men treat different women different ways.

Another woman's experience won't always be yours. There are lots of factors that go into how a man treats a woman. These factors vary on a case by case basis. The reactions from friends, family, and other women were all the same when they saw or heard how my husband catered to me. "Wow, I've never seen him be this sweet to anybody!" or "I've never seen him in love like this." No one is you, and that's your power. Base your decision about a guy on how you are treated rather than on someone else's experiences. If it's not a good fit based on your own interactions with the guy, move on knowing that your perfect match will come in due time.

3. There are always three sides to every story.

Tall tales aren't always law. When I first started dating my husband, I refused to listen to any, "I heard about him" stories or "Let me tell you what he did" information gathered from 1992. I wanted to know him for myself and develop my own perspective. Anything alarming that you should know will always come out in the wash. The key is to be attentive to the signs. Learn the guy by the actions you witness, not by stories passed down from girl to girl. The story might of got twisted somewhere along the way.

4. Let's not forget your own pasts.

In a world where we are all about no longer being held captive to "numbers" or judged by living freely, don't men deserve the same? We often justify our actions while refusing to show grace to others. Don't be that girl. Judge not, lest you be judged.

5. People evolve.

Little known fact: even men evolve and elevate over time. I am not the same person I was last month or last year. I am constantly growing, learning, and changing. I don't want to be known as the woman I was five years ago, I want the freedom to be seen as who I am now. We all deserve that. So he has a past. We all do. Take people for where they are now, not where they've been or what they've done. You might just find yourself in the midst of dopeness you would've otherwise missed out on.

Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:

Iman Shumpert Says He Gave Teyana Taylor a "Hit List": Should Your Man Share His Sexual History?

Sexual Inventory: Why I Stopped Answering The Body Count Question

The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams

Featured image by Getty Images

You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who once told me that they had an annual week-long summer rendezvous that lasted for over 15 years with someone else. Yep — this individual would meet up with another person who lived in a different state, solely to have sex for a week straight, and then return to their city as if nothing ever happened. According to them, the only reason why this ritual romp eventually came to an end is because the other person decided to get serious about someone else; however, it wasn't until it ended that the person who told me the story realized how attached they actually had become to their sex partner (a cautionary tale). After I completed my lil' tale, my friend simply said, "Oh, I do that s — t every cuffing season. There are some people who I only talk to around this time of year, we f — k around and then that's that until the season comes around again."

Keep reading... Show less

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks about love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

When it comes to sexuality, there have always been societal limitations centered on what is "acceptable." However, with more honest conversations about how fluid sexuality and sexual expression can be, now there are so many more opportunities for self-exploration and taking back ownership of our identities again. One couple that is living their truth and being sexual beings unapologetically while living and loving their lives are Jasmine Johnson and King Noire.

Keep reading... Show less

I'm so excited because one of my favorite unscripted shows is back. OWN's Ready to Love is a dating series that follows professionals over 30, looking for long-lasting relationships. Hosted by Nephew Tommy, it follows singles who desire true connections and are grouped together to find them.

Keep reading... Show less

Social media influencer and actress Tabitha Brown has garnered viral fame through her inspirational and vegan videos on Instagram, thanks to her cheerful personality and infectious smile. Now, she is entering a new phase in her life as an author. The 42-year-old released Feeding the Soul on Sept. 28 and recently shared an emotional video of herself after finding out her book was number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Jill Scott Talks Balance, 'Highway To Heaven' & Not Burning Herself Out To Produce

In this exclusive, the actress dishes on executive producing the reboot, and balancing business and motherhood.

Latest Posts