Checking A Man’s “Heauxfax” Isn’t Always As Telling As It May Seem

There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.


There is no detective cleverer than a woman trying to gather info on a man.

In our minds, searching social media for hints and clues into a man's life history is the logical next step after we get his name and number.

We carry this thought that it's a waste to do a first date with a guy who doesn't have a squeaky-clean reputation, or that the smart thing to do is to run for our lives if someone else dare mentions a prior bad act (even if it was decades ago).

Truthfully, I get it. And I fully endorse the idea of being cautious with your heart. Nonetheless, a man's past isn't always as telling as it may seem. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Almost everyone is talking to somebody before they decide to become exclusive.

Without a commitment, we are single. This is the perfect time to vet options, and it is unfair to classify a guy as a bad person for doing so. In fact, I strongly encourage women to do the same thing.

When I met my husband, I was casually dating. It was a great opportunity for me to learn what I liked and didn't like. He came along and made his intentions squeaky clear, so I stopped having outside conversations.

Try to date without expectations prior to the conversation about commitment. It takes the pressure off and can actually make the experience more fun.

2. Men treat different women different ways.

Another woman's experience won't always be yours. There are lots of factors that go into how a man treats a woman. These factors vary on a case by case basis. The reactions from friends, family, and other women were all the same when they saw or heard how my husband catered to me. "Wow, I've never seen him be this sweet to anybody!" or "I've never seen him in love like this." No one is you, and that's your power. Base your decision about a guy on how you are treated rather than on someone else's experiences. If it's not a good fit based on your own interactions with the guy, move on knowing that your perfect match will come in due time.

3. There are always three sides to every story.

Tall tales aren't always law. When I first started dating my husband, I refused to listen to any, "I heard about him" stories or "Let me tell you what he did" information gathered from 1992. I wanted to know him for myself and develop my own perspective. Anything alarming that you should know will always come out in the wash. The key is to be attentive to the signs. Learn the guy by the actions you witness, not by stories passed down from girl to girl. The story might of got twisted somewhere along the way.

4. Let's not forget your own pasts.

In a world where we are all about no longer being held captive to "numbers" or judged by living freely, don't men deserve the same? We often justify our actions while refusing to show grace to others. Don't be that girl. Judge not, lest you be judged.

5. People evolve.

Little known fact: even men evolve and elevate over time. I am not the same person I was last month or last year. I am constantly growing, learning, and changing. I don't want to be known as the woman I was five years ago, I want the freedom to be seen as who I am now. We all deserve that. So he has a past. We all do. Take people for where they are now, not where they've been or what they've done. You might just find yourself in the midst of dopeness you would've otherwise missed out on.

Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:

Iman Shumpert Says He Gave Teyana Taylor a "Hit List": Should Your Man Share His Sexual History?

Sexual Inventory: Why I Stopped Answering The Body Count Question

The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams

Featured image by Getty Images

Brooke Obie is xoNecole’s new editor-in-chief, and this sister has the career receipts that prove that she’s set to take the platform to the next level. Let’s start with the proof of real skin in the media game: She is an award-winning journalist, whose work has been featured in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Guardian, Essence, Marie Claire, Teen Vogue, and many more.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Over the weekend, xoNecole held a Twitter Spaces conversation with the cast of Harlem which included the show’s stars Meagan Good, Grace Byers, and Shoniqua Shandai. Host Gia Peppers facilitated the conversation as the ladies dished on topics such as goal-setting, love, and of course unforgettable moments from the hit Amazon Prime show.

Keep reading... Show less

I’m pretty sure that we’ve all heard the saying, “opinions are like buttholes” (yeah, I cleaned that up a bit) and everyone has one. Well, when it comes to the topic of advice, if we’re gonna be real about it, a lot of times all it is, is an opinion too. So, does this mean that we’re never supposed to ask for advice or take any when it’s offered? I mean, I get that since I’m a marriage life coach, it comes off as completely on-brand that I would say that receiving advice can actually be quite beneficial.

Keep reading... Show less

Vivica A. Fox kicked off the new year just right with a solo vacation. The veteran actress visited The Real to dish on her booked and busy career, but during the conversation, she also revealed that she “took a 10-day vacation all by myself.” After spending Thanksgiving with her family in Indianapolis and Christmas with her godchildren, the Two Can Play That Game star jetted off to somewhere tropical for some me-time.

Keep reading... Show less

On a Tuesday evening, I am waiting for an interview that I know will be full of gems and will surely change a Black woman’s life. But I’m also full of nerves and anxiety. Friends and family members all around are testing positive and it's like Omarion took his hit song, "Touch" to a new level. My anxiety is on 1,000. Then, E! News host Francesca Amiker joins the Zoom call. Full of joy and light, I can’t lie, she brightened my day as soon as she turned on her camera, flashed that bright smile, and greeted me the only way a Southern belle would.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Boris Kodjoe And Nicole Ari Parker Know “When To Bring Work Home” For Their New Film 'Safe Room'

The husband-and-wife dream team have found their sweet spot.

Latest Posts